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Thought I would give this a whirl. It seems a little wordy in places, but I think gets the feel of the character of the army I am putting together. Any thoughts/feelings/whatnot would be great.
Suffering, despair and death have been constant companions in the life of Mother Superior Svetlana Serapha. No one knows what name she was born under, for she was rescued from a colonized world that was attacked by the Dark Eldar where she was held as a slave at the young age of 10, by the Ordo Hereticus. Of the planet full of colonist she was the only one that survived the rescue mission. From there she was taken into the care of the Ordo Hereticus, and placed on one of the secret Chapel worlds near the Eye of Terror. There she was indoctrinated into the service of the Lord Emperor and began her pious training, which was made difficult by her apparent inablility to speak. Three years into her time on this planet, while the bulk of the forces where off world cleansing the taint of evil, marked the invasion of Chaos. Followers of Slaanesh laid siege to the planet for days before the forces could be called back. Again one of the few survivors was Seraphra, who was found in the chapel standing over the body of the Blessed Martyr Svetlana Gregorivich as well as many dead Chaos Marines. Amazingly for her size she was weilding the evisorator and bolt pistol belonging to the now deceased Martyr Gregorivich. Seeing such love and passion in her eyes the Inquisitor Lord Fyodor Karamazov proclaimed that from this point for she would take the name of the one she guarded over as an angel and christened her by her new name.
She quickly rose through the ranks of the Ordo Hereticus, and in time was named Canoness and given her own army to lead.
Serapha takes her duties with the utmost seriousness. Under her command the Emperor's Flame cleanses the galaxy of all who deny the Emperors divine word. Seldom speaking, unless quoting chapter and verse, she leads her troops with complete conviction and faith. Though many Sisters of Battle try to join her ranks, few can pass the rigorous training that is required by Serapha, and only by total discipline can they continue to serve under her banner. Believing that through suffering can there truly be hope for forgiveness she will pushes her troops from world to world, inducting troops as needed and punishing heretics and sinners through Penitence and Flagellantion. And those Sisters who fail to live up to her standards feel the lash as well.
Woe to any who come under the pious eye of Serapha and her cleansing Emperor's Flame, for she will bring suffering, despair and death unto all who are deemed unworthy.
It's good fluff, the Mother Superior character could do with a little more fleshing out, as she's pretty much integral to your fluff. Also, does your army have any other characters in it, and how does she interact with them? At the moment, your force is pretty much an extention of her, which is fine, but more background on the army can only add depth.
The other thing is the training. SoB aren't generally trained on chapel worlds to begin with, they begin as progenia in the scholae progenium (the religious schools and orphanages which produce stormtroopers and commisars.) I'd make her a bit younger when she's rescued as well. I think Progenia intended for combat or inspriational roles usually start very young so they're properly indoctrinated, but I can't find a source so don't quote me on that..
The other thing is that you imply she's small and/or physically weak (the comment on the eviscerator), if so, why did she become a battle sister? The adepta sororitas has many non-combat branches as well..
Finally.. Chaos marines. Yes, in game they're fairly pathetic, but try running engagements through in Inquisitor (which is more of a fluff based game.) Fluffwise, a single space marine (let alone a 10,000 year old chaos marine) should be a match for a whole squad of mundane humans. When in doubt, I'd recommend using cultists and mutants, and save a chaos marine or two for the big bad boss battles when you need some awesome mega-drama, because it should be the fight of any mundane human's life to go up against one.
I wasn't trying to give the impression that she was weak, but still young at the time. While those older wouldn't have a problem wielding it, someone her age would. It also added to the aura of her being able to overcome seemingly insurmountable odds.
But thanks for the input. I haven't read most of the fluff books out, and was just giving this a whirl.