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Yes! Your fluff deserves rep and should be repeated!
NO! You SUCK at writing fiction
You should continue, but should also improve the quality of your fluff.
Dawn came like a veil being lifted from a charred and blackened landscape. The traitors had been shelling the 4th Company of the 101st Corhan for days, however the solid dugouts remained undefeated.
Filthy, Cassius and the rest of platoon 3 worked to repair the damage of the bombardment the previous night. Cassius and Lukas, and the rest of fireteam were placing flakboard against the trench walls, and the rest of the platoon were laying more mines and barbed wire obstacles.Terenopod-drawn carts carried the corpses of the men who had been killed during the night. The men shared what minute rations they had left in their packs that the Quartermaster felt fit not to hoard. Leiutenant Vash pulled off a tarpaulin of a heavy bolter, and Cassius Fixed Cammo netting above the emplacement.
Suddenly, a fresh shell came screaming through the sky like how only an earthshaker would. The artillery battalion had fallen to the traitors."TAKE COVER!!!" screamed Lieutenant Vash. The men of platoon 3, and all of 4th company manning the line fell back into the underground dugouts. The company numbered only about 87 men and assorted support personnel. The fighting had taken its toll, and the 101st Corhan was hard pressed to defend the capital city of Konigs Lutien on the agri-world of Fenthia. The 101st had been defending the city for a month, together with the Fenthian PDF regiments, and the 77th Cadian Airborne and the recently recalled Fenthian 1st Light Foot Regiment. The rebellion had been swift and brutal. Two-thirds of the planet had fallen to the traitors, along with 70% of the PDF forces, and if the Captial fell, the whole world would surely follow on its heels.
The reserve artillery behind the trenches opened up against the traitors to the shouts of joy from the men. After 15 minutes the enemy's shells fell silent. "We're shelling them but they arent shelling us..." said Cassius. "Thats because they are getting ready to attack!!! GET TO YOUR TRENCHES!" Screamed Lieutenant Vash. Lasguns at the ready, the guardsmen reached their trenches just before the hoard of mutants, traitors, and horrific spawn passed the kill zone. Then came the traitor's few leman russes and battered chimeras. "Hold your fire... don't waste your ammo!" said leiutenant Vash. The Corhan mortars opened up whooshing through the air, landing through the midst of the traitors shrapnel bursting everywhere. The lascannons and frag missiles then opened up on the traitor's tanks and spawn respectively. Finally, with a great cry, Lord General Herius Screamed through the the vox link in his command bunker to each indvidual's com-bead; "Men of Corhan, You are Corhan's finest. The immortal emperor is with us and together we are invincible. Alone, we are nothing. This is your chance for glory! Together to Victory! Fire!" The heavy bolters and lasguns opened fire tearing traitors apart in a firestorm of explosive shells and a firestorm of las-beams. The traitors fell by hundreds to this unrelenting firestorm. The chimeras dug into the trenches also opened up, multilasers adding to the firestorm. Heavy stubbers, mortars, grenade launchers, plasma guns, missile launchers, heavy bolters, and the humble lasguns, 4th Company opened fire with every thing they had. But the men knew it would not be enough.
The traitors soon reached the Corhanian's lines. The grotesque spawn sliced apart guardsmen, and traitors were impaled on the end of a lasgun's bayonet. Herius moved to the heart of the line with his faithful Sanctioned Pysker Hera Augustus, and Commisar Uriel Ventris. His power sword sliced through the traitors mere flak armour, and he showed no respite. Uriel Ventris smashed swathes of traitor guardsman and several Chaos Spawn with his mighty powerfist. Hera Augustus sent a demon on a one-way journey to the warp with a well placed thrust of her force staff. She shot lightning bolts out of her hands and the traitors attempting to climb over the mass of bodies towards the trenches, mentally splitting open their arteries and making them fall flat with blood flowing from their eyes, mouths, and ears. But all along the line the sheer numbers of the enemy were taking their toll on the men. All the chimeras had been destroyed either by a grenade through a hatch, or a hit by a traitorous battle cannon. Scores of men had been sliced apart by Chaos Spawn or crude weapons made by the traitors. The 101st Corhan were being pushed back to Regimental Headquarters on the horse-shoe shaped hill behind the lines. Only Herius, Hera, Uriel and 20 men were left, and were fighting for their lives in the command bunker. They were felling traitors by a 10 : 1 ratio, but that was still not enough. The men were blasting away the mutated faces of the Fenthian Traitors with lasguns at point blank range. hope drained from the men as they fell one by one. Then, through the smoke and steam of the battle, The rest of the Regiment arrived. 14300 imperial guardsmen, along with an armoured spearhead of 3 baneblade superheavy tanks and a full column of 100 Leman Russes charged the traitors. Herius Leapt up from the Bunker, Joined his Regiment, and charged down the hill weapons blazing, cutting down thousands of traitros with a remorseless hale of fire. The regimental priests and commisars ignited a fury of fire in the hearts of the men, and together, as Herius said, they met the enemy with courage and honor, and slaughtered the legion of heretics that lay before them until they were all blasted into oblivion.
This broke the backbone of the traitors on Fenthia, and with fresh reinforcemnts arrving off-world, the 101st Corhan reclaimed Fenthia for the glory fo the god emperor!
Last edited by Imperator100; October 29th, 2007 at 10:16.
It's not bad fluff. In fact, overall it's pretty well written, and I didn't catch any big grammatical errors (always a plus).
There were only a few places that seemed off. For example, don't say that the loyalists were killing the traitors on a ten to one ratio. It's not a very poetic way of desribing a battle. Instead, I'd just talk about how it was a massacre and how the loyalists struck hard against the faultering traitors.
The only other thing is try and think about what makes your fluff unique. Some guardsman defeat some traitors and save a planet. Okay... so what? This is in the 41st Millineum! What makes this world important? What makes the guard ineresting? Do they have a terrible weapon or secret behind their training that allows them to defeat the traitors so easily? Are the traitors former allies or friends? Is Herius battle worn and questioning his faith to the Emporer? Does he uncover some strange artefact from the enemy and think about whther he should use it against them?
I guess what I'm trying to say is... do more to your fluff. Details and plot twists!
I am heading off to the Peace Corps. It is bery likely I will not be back. Good luck to all of you endeavors.
I chose option 3 because there is always room for improvement. If I'd posted a poll on any of my own fluff like this I'd say the same.
Well written, no doubt. Daelrog brings up some good points. One thing:
[quote/]The immortal emperor is with us and together we are invincible. Alone, we are nothing.[/quote]
I think these sentences should be altered as follows:
"The immortal emperor is with us. Alone, we are nothing. With Him we are invincible."
I think it has less effect the other way.
Ok, this is actually pretty bad. It is poorly thought out, poorly written, and not very interesting. However with work this could be made into something worth reading.
You use the word Firestorm, five times in one paragraph, thesaurus.
10 : 1 ratio. Show don't tell give some description, how the tentacles keep twitching after they are severed, the crunching sound the powerfist makes shattering the mutants chitinous exo-skeleton, etc.
If the majority of the artillery is in enemy hands then its over, they would keep shelling until nothing was left.
Im sure you can find other bits you could polish, work on it, refine it, show us a new version in the future.
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Is it possible for someone to write fluff about an Imperial Guard regiment and NOT use the numbers 101 or 81?
I think you need to spend more time on your floor.
2500 Black Templars
Thanx for the constructive critisism.@ simulated snow man- I have had this regimental name for years... I also think that i really should add more detail.. (thanx again) But i was also afraid to bore the reader with too much info. @ imperialis dominatus, i agree that the new phrasing would work better. I will work on a new version with your help. thanx!
more comments are appreciated
One quick quetion wasn't Uriel Ventris the name of an ultramarine in the ultra marines omnibus?
all in all i enjoyed reading your fluff and I agree with the other keep working hard and pretty soon this will all polished up