Welcome to Librarium Online!
Join our community of 80,000+ members and take part in the number one resource for Warhammer and Warhammer 40K discussion!
Registering gives you full access to take part in discussions, upload pictures, contact other members and search everything!
Much better than last time
Great fluff worthy of rep
Terrible, sucky fluff
still the same standard
Dawn came like a veil being lifted from a charred and blackened landscape of Fenthia. The traitors who had turned from the light of the emperor many long years ago, had been shelling the 4th Company of the 101st Corhan for days, however the solid dugouts and bunkersremained undefeated. The bitter cold seemed at odds with the explosions of the bombardment.
Filthy, Cassius and the rest of platoon 3 worked to repair the damage of the bombardment the previous night. Jeverus and Lukas, and the rest of fireteam were placing flakboard against the trench walls, and the rest of the platoon were laying more mines and barbed wire obstacles.Terenopod( 6 legged, 7 foot high amphibian beast native to Fenthia)-drawn carts carried the corpses of the men who had been killed during the night. The men shared what minute rations they had left in their packs that the Quartermaster felt fit not to hoard. Lieutenant Vash pulled off a tarpaulin of a heavy bolter, and Cassius Fixed Cammo netting above the emplacement to aid in the concealment of their positions..
Suddenly, a fresh shell came screaming through the sky like how only an earthshaker would. The artillery battalion had fallen to the traitors."TAKE COVER!!!" screamed Lieutenant Vash. The men of platoon 3, and all of 4th company manning the line fell back into the underground dugouts. The company numbered only a few score men and assorted support personnel. The fighting had taken its toll, and the 101st Corhan was hard pressed to defend the capital city of Konigs Lutien on the agri-world of Fenthia. The 101st had been defending the city for a month, together with the Fenthian PDF regiments, and the 76th Cadian Airborne and the recently recalled Fenthian 1st Light Foot Regiment. The rebellion had been swift and brutal. The corruption of chaos had infected the planetary monarch Constantine, and the the majority of the people sided with the monarch rather than the governer.Two-thirds of the planet had fallen to the traitors, along with 70% of the PDF forces, and if the Captial fell, the whole world would surely follow on its heels.
The reserve artillery behind the trenches opened up against the traitors to the shouts of joy from the men. After minutes of bombardment, the enemy's guns fell silent. "We're shelling them but they arent shelling us..." said Cassius. "Thats because they are getting ready to attack!!! GET TO YOUR TRENCHES!" screamed Lieutenant Vash. Lasguns at the ready, the guardsmen reached their trenches just before the hoard of mutants, traitors, and horrific spawn passed the kill zone. Then came the traitor's few leman russes and battered chimeras. "Hold your fire... don't waste your ammo!" said leiutenant Vash. The Corhan mortars opened up whooshing through the air, landing through the midst of the traitors shrapnel bursting everywhere. The lascannons and frag missiles then opened up on the traitor's tanks and spawn respectively, the spawn falling to the ground in an oozing display of gore. Finally, with a great cry, Lord General Herius, Commander of the 101st, Screamed through the the vox link in his command bunker to each indvidual's com-bead; "Men of Corhan, You are Corhan's finest. The immortal emperor is with us. Alone, we are nothing. With Him we are invincible! This is your chance for glory! Together to Victory! Fire!" The heavy bolters and lasguns opened fire tearing traitors apart in a firestorm of explosive shells and volleys of las-beams. Lasbeams blew the limbs of traitors and mutant alike. The traitors fell in a glorious slaughter to this unrelenting firestorm. The chimeras dug into the trenches also opened up, multilasers slcing apart even more of the enemy, adding to the inferno already present. Heavy stubbers, mortars, grenade launchers, plasma guns, missile launchers, heavy bolters, and the humble lasguns, 4th Company opened fire with every thing they had. But the men knew, with sinking hearts at the sight of more of the vile hoard, it would not be enough. But the priests walked among the men, and they knew that they would have the courage to face their end with nobility, honor, and the stoicism of the Imperil Guard.
The traitors soon reached the Corhanian's lines. The grotesque spawn sliced apart guardsmen, spraying guts and blood everywhere and traitors jumping into the trenches, were imediatley impaled on the end of a lasgun's bayonet. A furious melee erupted. Herius moved to the heart of the battle line with his faithful Sanctioned Pysker Hera Augustus, and Commisarl Mendoza Ventris. His power sword sliced through the traitors mere flak armour with lethal cracks of pure energy, and he showed no respite, but only contempt for the traitorous scum. Commisar Mendoza Ventris smashed swathes of traitor guardsman and several Chaos Spawn with his mighty powerfist sending them back to the warp with righteous fury. Hera Augustus sent a demon screaming on a one-way journey to the warp with a well placed thrust of her force staff. She shot lightning bolts out of her hands and the traitors attempting to climb over the mass of bodies towards the trenches, mentally splitting open their arteries and making them fall flat with blood gushing from their eyes, mouths, and ears. But all along the line the sheer numbers of the enemy were taking their toll on the men. All the chimeras had been destroyed either by a grenade through a hatch, or a hit by a traitorous battle cannon. Scores of men had been sliced apart by Chaos Spawn or crude weapons made by the traitors. The 101st Corhan were being pushed back to Regimental Headquarters on the horse-shoe shaped hill behind the lines. Only Herius, Hera, Uriel and a few dozen men were left, and were fighting for their lives in the command bunker. They were felling traitors by a great ratio, but that was still not enough. The men were blasting away the mutated faces of the Fenthian Traitors with lasguns at point blank range burning away their features. Hope drained from the men as they fell one by one. Then, through the smoke and steam of the battle, The rest of the Regiment arrived. Thousands of imperial guardsmen, along with an armoured spearhead of baneblade superheavy tanks, Vulture Gunships for air-support and a full column of dozens Leman Russes charged the traitors. Herius Leapt up from the Bunker, joined his Regiment, and they charged down the hill with their weapons blazing, cutting down countless traitros with a remorseless hale of fire. The regimental priests and commisars ignited a fury of fire in the hearts of the men, and together, as Herius said, they met the enemy with courage and honor and the faith of the Imperial Cause, and slaughtered the legion of heretics that lay before them until they were all blasted into oblivion to whatever hellish realm that awaited them.
This broke the backbone of the traitors on Fenthia, and with fresh reinforcemnts arrving off-world, the 101st Corhan reclaimed Fenthia for the glory fo the god emperor. The final moment of the rebellion was the storming of the Imperial Palace on Fenthia. Corhanian troops surrounded the palace, snipers picking off all remaining traitors. Stormtroopers eventually stormed the throne room and blew away the Corrupt Monarch Constantine's bodyguards. With a lasbolt through Constantine's head by Mendoza Ventris, the rebellion was over. The 101st Corhan would remain on Fenthia for a pacification period of several months, and then moved offworld to the next battlezone.
Last edited by Imperator100; November 3rd, 2007 at 02:56. Reason: mistake in sotryline
No, because you changed nothing. It’s the same story all over again, just as bland and triumphalist, just as unrealistic. If this is all the better you can do, just stop now.
(><) This is Dead Bunny.
MyArmys: Points: W/L/D
Imperial Guard: 2250: In Progress.
Necron: 500: 2/1/1
Join the Imperium today!
You made your story more detailed, and made the words flow better, but the Ghost is right in that it is the same story.
Now, if you're going to stick with this story, I suggest you follow three questions that your readers will ask when your write. I picked it up from a great book I got as a birthday present. Take this into serious consideration.
1. So what?
This is your biggest issue with your story. So what if this regiment beat some traitors? So what if they survived being shelled by the enemy? So what if Cassius and Vash, and all the others are tough soldiers? Your story needs to catch people's attention. Your story needs to make people care. Make some dynamic characters and a plot. What you have is a decent battle report, not fluff.
2. Oh yeah?
Basically, you need to make your fluff believable (well, 40k believable). Oh yeah, the traitors wouldn't charge straight in. They were sitting pretty shelling the loyalists. Oh yeah, I don't think the planet is rid of Chaos yet. Oh yeah, like the planet is now safe from Chaos because of one battle. Oh yeah, I think those spawn would have decimated the guardsmen. Oh yeah, I don't think that is how Imperial Guardsmen would act. Support what you say. This isn't as big of a deal as the first question, as your story is pretty short, but seriously, the 40k Universe is not so peachy keen as you made it out to be. Chaos gets a foothold on a planet, you know what is going to hit the fan. This whole, planet is saved business is just too nice and neat. All I see is "the day is saved, until the Tyranids/ Eldar/ more Chaos/ pissed of Inquisitor comes!"
Well, the last question is for longer stories. It basically means that the reader will want to know what's going on. Your story is pretty straight forward (too straightforward), so I don't think they are any issues with confusion.
To repeat what I said last time though... DETAIL and PLOT TWISTS! You worked on the details some, which was good. However, there are no plot twists, or hooks, or anything to entertain the reader. Make the story interesting.
I am heading off to the Peace Corps. It is bery likely I will not be back. Good luck to all of you endeavors.
Thanx daelrog for the constructive critisism. @ The_Ghost - this is my first attempt at writing fluff, and more often than not this is the general quality of fluff that I seem to find on the net. It is not the best I can do, I just took suggestions from the feedback, and was curious to see if it was any better.