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this is how it starts
"Master Coda some space marines have landed on are homeland are planetary decoys must have failed."
"We can'not allow them to discover are homeland, jam all radio traffic and send out the Primary Iadar, and the Top tree guns"
"Yes Master I will accompany them myself"
"Very Well Kenai"
in the marine ship
"Squad Catanna to Squad Marshuua. Come in, Marshuua."
"Reading you loud and clear, C. What's up?"
"Perimeter secure. We're reading no life-forms around."
"Good. Establish a kill zone."
Sergeant Jakus of the High Mordian Iron Guard put his hands on his hips and called out to his men.
"Let's get those flamers up here on the double!" Two men wearing flame-retardant suits and fuel packs saluted. Jakus indicated the jungle. "We're to establish a kill zone as per standard procedure. Get to it."
The rest of the squad and Jakus stood back as the two men fired up their packs, expertly burning down the foliage. A kill zone was an area where all of the vegetation and obstructions had been cleared away- any enemy wanting to advance on the lines would have to cross a two-mile wide crater with no terrain cover. Jakus smiled. The foul Necrons had expressed an interest in this world, and so the Mordian Iron Guard had been sent to Investigate why. Jakus didn't expect any real resistance- No real intrest had been shown in this small planet by anyone and there have been reports of eldar ships landing her, but their nearest fleet was several days away. Suddenly, he heard a noise- or rather, the end of a noise so pervasive he had stopped consciously hearing it. One of the flamers had stopped its burn with the sight of a shuriken sticking out of a tree. Jakus turned and saw the horror in the other flamer's eyes. Time seemed to slow down as he drew his plasma pistol. Shurikens whipped out of the flaming jungle, cutting into his men as they pulled out their lasguns. They returned fire, but it was slow and uncoordinated. Eldar boiled out of the jungle, orange,black and yellow, firing sniper rifles from deep within the forest cut down all the generals and . Then falling from the sky fell Banshees swinging there punishers of death looking like wraiths, emerging from a burning hell to wreak terrible destruction on the defilers of their homeland. His men rallied as Jakus felled one with a plasma shot, but then a shuriken ripped through his flak armor and buried itself in his stomach. Hope died there with him, as the Eldar piled out, wild and savage, but Eldar to the bone.
As we ran away we could see one standing out from the rest with a little difrent walk more confident and powerfull strides hold his hand up and then threw it down. Not 2 seconds later we were shot down. this will probably be the last thing I will ever Write so good ...
Back in Camp
"They have been removed completly and only managed to burn 50 yards of the forest. what will happen when they turn up missing at their command central"
"I don't know all we can do is hope The Mangy Marines don't show back up"
This is my first try at fluff any suggestions or remarks willl help.
I basically play aliaotic.
OH and deciever gave me the idea for this like a year ago so i have to give him the credit for the idea.
people are looking but not responding if u read it just tell me what u think. what seems shaky, what doesn't make since ect...
could u explain what this means? the story is good and solid, but u talk about marines, when they are Mordian Guards. Also, why are the guards making a kill zone there? whats so important about it? make your story a little clearerOriginally posted by sevenblind@Apr 3 2004, 139
wild and savage, but Eldar to the bone.
Punctuation is your friend! Periods, commas, something! Also, like cybugger said, Modians are guardsmen, not marines. The Eldar can tell the difference....
You spend more time setting up the battle than actually describing it....Exact text copied from what you wrote... WHAT DOES THIS MEAN!?Eldar boiled out of the jungle, orange,black and yellow, firing sniper rifles from deep within the forest cut down all the generals and .
Cut down all the generals? Why would there be more than one general on such a useless world? There probably wouldn't even be a general, at most a Major or something.
Sorry, but this is pretty bad.
Also, even though this doesn't make sense, don't double post or triple post etc. Just edit the last post to include it. And if no-one is reading your post, then just be patient. And read the rules on posting please, you can't spell you properly.
I'm surprised no one else has picked this up yet, but Master Coda?! Cough star wars ripoff cough.
Again, as has been noted, continuity problems concerning marines and Guard have arisen.Random punctuation, spelling and grammar all make an appearance as well. Plural of shuriken is still shuriken (it is a shuriken, there are shuriken).
Eldar, wild and savage? Sure...
In my view its a barely salvageable write-off. I'll rewrite it for you later.
"It fits like clothes made out of wasps!"
sorry as i said it was my first try, second i don't know that much about star wars was that a name from it i am sorry. actually i got the names from the movie brother bear. kenai is the main character and coda is the little bear. i just liked the names. i know i need to eleberate more on why the planet is important and stuff but i don't really have any ideas. and im sure from the marines point of view they did look wild and savage. i guess you think of eldar as elequent(sp) and fine diners. hmm okay phobos i guess im a falior and have to wait for u to do it
just a nitpick...when you are saying something is yours, use "our" not "are", it makes it read a tid bit better...if you have Word or something put it in and run a spell and grammar check...works wonders
"Master Coda?" Warlock Kenai was loathe to disturb the venerable farseer from his meditations in the Dome of Crystal Seers, but a dire circumstance had arisen that needed his personal attention. Master Coda himself sat on the floor, his eyes closed as thirty runes danced around him in complicated synchronisation.
Kenai gulped. "A contingent of Imperial Guard have fallen into orbit, and have already deployed a beachead garrison. Our warp storm decoys have failed."
The runes sped up in their orbits.
"We cannot allow them to discover our exodite colony. Jam their vox traffic and send out the Primary Iadar."
Kenai bowed deeply at the waist. "I shall lead them personally, master. We will destroy the mon-keigh."
"See to it that you do...."
Sergeant Jakus of the 9th Mordian Rifles bellowed at his men. "Lets get those flamers up here on the double!" with a expansive sweep of his arm, he indicated the forest ahead of the formation. "Establish a kill zone, SOP style."
Two flamer-wielding troopers saluted, the fuel audibly sloshing about in the large tanks on their backs. Someone somewhere had the bright idea of bringing up a Hellhound, and the three units immediately started playing the foliage with extensive gouts of prometheum-fueled flame. The flames spread quickly, and soon the valley they were in had thick clouds of black smoke trailing skywards like a huge beacon.
Jakus, sitting against a tree trunk, inhaled deeply on a cigar wedged in the corner of his mouth. This was looking to be an easy deployment, he thought. A scouting mission, really, to see why the dark eldar and necrons were so interested in this world. Probably some kind of heathen brothel, he thought to himself. A background noise stopped, and Jakus refocussed from his musings. The flamer guardsmen had stopped, and men were starting to scramble around him for cover as shuriken starting whistling through the air, scything down the flamer troops, and then the guardsmen in the rear.
Guardians started to pour out of the forest. Jakus withdrew his bolt pistol and snapped the safety off, unleashing a brief salvo of shots at the rapidly moving shapes. The defender's fire started to pick up, now, more suppressive fire than anything serious. Jakus watched as two guardians caught his shots, their midriffs exploding in a bloody display as they dropped like rag-dolls to the earth.
Behind him, a series of screams tore through the gunfire. Looking around, Jakus realised with horror that they were trapped in the valley, with Eldar approaching from both ends. Banshees tore through the mainly conscript guardsmen with ease.
Jakus paid for this moment of distraction, as several shuriken discs tore into his torso and stomach. Even as the blood welled up his throat and out of his mouth, he fired the remaining rounds in his bolt pistol, watching through fading eyes as the shots found Eldar flesh.
"We slaughtered them to a man, who will almost certainly perish. Well, unless he turns to cannibalism. What will happen if they fail to report in to their ships?"
"Contact the nearest fleet. Let them destroy them in orbit."
"As wish, honoured one.."
"It fits like clothes made out of wasps!"