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I will be posting this in the following manner: One chapter per post, one post per chapter. I hope you enjoy this, and take it as what it is meant to be: A humour piece.
Note: This is still intended to be as fluffily accurate as possible in every other was than the actual existence to the guide below, which would likely get the authors declared heretics, and anything relating to the Commoragh tourist agency. It is meant to give a view of Commoragh through an unreliable observer.
Coping with Commoragh:
An Imperial Traveler's Guide to the Dark City
Commoragh - the Dark City, hidden in the mysterious Webways for millenia unknown. To most observers a blanchly horrid locale, to the connoisseur of the exotic and unusual its air of gothic mysticism and charme-noire makes it abundantly rewarding a destination. It is said that in this city, stalking shadows tear apart the unwary. This is not quite accurate. In fact, the stalking shadows rarely discriminate between unwary and wary. And, to scholars of skill and diligence such as our fair readership, the very knowledge that this is the sanctuary and domain of the notorious raider-corsair Eldar faction should provide ample premonition that it may prove hazardous to the ignorant and foolish. Therefore, our experienced Commoran travellers will dispense of their knowledge to you, gentle reader, that you may get the most out of your stay in Commoragh, and live to tell the tale.
Last edited by Tutankhankh; September 4th, 2008 at 10:28.
Commoragh is a geographically and geometrically unusual city. Situated, as it is, on the border between the Empyrean and the Materium, normal architectural and mathematical rules of construction, city layout and certain other areas of construction as of yet unnamed by the mundane-minded masses of the Materium tend to operate on principles somewhat fuzzier than expected. It is not a given, in Commoragh, that an equation will remain consistent in answer. Therefore, providing a city map of this quaint and charming town would prove a daunting task, best left to the scholar-wardens of the infamous Black Library of Chaos and the vile servants of Chaos itself. Nevertheless, we shall attempt to provide a basic roadmap, as it were, to some of the more striking vistas and locae of import.
Upon entering Commoragh through the Port of Lost Souls, your first impression will likely be "Help! I think I wanna go home!" Never despair, though. They can smell it. Instead, look up to your right. Appearing to hang diagonally down from an outcropping of a shape best not considered by a mortal mind will be a jagged, spiked and cruel-looking tower reminding one of one's deepest, darkest nightmares.
This is the Commoragh Welcome Centre and Tourist Information Agency. You should attempt at least one visit there during your first day, but not unarmed. There is a weapons store located in the perfectly circular spike-covered pyramid in the middle of the small square - to use a generous term - right in front of you. Make this your first visit in Commoragh if you carry no guns. Purchase for yourself at least the following:
- splinter rifle, for long-range arguments with the locals
- splinter pistol, for self-defence
- and an agonizer, for those times you will be forced to pressure your will through, such as standing in line in the local grocery stores, here also using generous terms for the concepts of 'standing in line' and 'grocery store'
You should also book a room with one of the more disreputable and neglected hotels, on the basis that less money means less chance of sophisticated surveillance or dastardly traps and torture devices in the room or common areas. Beware of the bathrooms always, though, and never use a tap without first exposing a suitable and valueless object to the fluid emerging. Also, carefully inspect your bed before use.
Last edited by Tutankhankh; September 4th, 2008 at 10:29.
History, Language and Culture:
Commoragh was founded by Eldar refugees from the event known as the Fall ten millenia ago, and rapidly expanded to become the largest city in the Webway. Comprising of near to five million inhabitants - last census lead to the deaths of thousands of citizens as well as the censurers - Commoragh is today the single largest exporter of metal shreds and that rare, exotic and particular brand of entertainment labeled "Extreme Sensuous Experience" to the entire galaxy. Visited for centuries by members of all races, voluntary or not, it has a great selection of cultural and sports arrangements to offer. First and foremost in the realm of the fine arts are the acclaimed Harlequin Troupes, performing various plays of spiritual and historical nature in the streets. There are also plenty of Haemonculus Scream Choirs - unusual, in that it is not the choir members that provide the music but rather their house guests -, a form of entertainment which is considered a bit of an acquired taste by most foreign travelers, and the critically acclaimed performances of Asdrubael Vect's Unfinished Tales, told by the eponymous Vect himself from his Dais of Destruction. For fans of stage magic, however, Commoragh is a decidedly disappointing visit, as anybody remotely smacking of magic are considered playthings in Commoragh.
Famous sports arrangements include the Wych Arena Combats, fierce gladiatorial fights between expert Eldar fighter, sometimes between one another, sometimes against slaves of captured beasts, and sometime, just for the heck of it, against the audience; also, the annual Reaver Jetbike Tour de Commoragh takes place at irregular intervals at any place. Should this happen near you, we advice you to enjoy the spectacle from the relative safety of the inside of a building, preferably from such a vantage point that you are also out of sight of the competitors and their fans.
The Commoran language is a rare and unusual beast, being a mixture of the High Eldar family with a heavy touch of Chaotisch, with a little bit of Mala Pura mixed in. It is a high irregular language, the correct grammatical constructs for instance being defined as "whatever the Archon of the local Kabal uses".
Fortunately, most Commoran citizens would never deign to speak with anybody outside their Kabal unless to threaten or jeer, which requires no linguistic comprehension to understand. All others generally use translator devices, rendering their sentences in what fluent Commoran speakers have referred to as: "A merciful monotone, without the local connotations."
The Commoran culture, as far as that term is applicable, basically consists of killing your higher-ups in such a fashion that they don't retract their protection from you, and otherwise making yourself useful enough that your leaders would rather have you alive and well than torture or kill you. It is worth noting that the people of Commoragh, due to their history, have an unfortunate craving for the living sould of other creatures, which they consume in ever-growing quantities as they age. The reason for this is unclear, except that Commoragh-Eldar who are deprived of this sustenance go, after a while, into hysterics and tend to plead a lot. Clearly, being unable to consume souls is one of the most terrifying fates the Raider-Kabalites can imagine.
In stead of our regular column here, we will provide you with actions that may serve to get your point across to the indigenous people.
As such, if you wish to communicate:
"Where is the nearest bank/ATM? I need to make a withdrawal." - Kill the first random passer-by and steal their wallet.
"Excuse me, I'd like to pay now, please." - Kill the waiter/clerk/cashier and run off.
"Sorry, I appear to be lost. Could you please direct me to [xxx]?" - Pull a knife to a random passer-by's throat, and make threatening sounds while interspersing with the name of your destination.
"Excuse me, may I have that [xxx]/how much is that [xxx] in the window/on that shelf [etc.]?" - Kill the shopkeeper and steal the item in question.
"I'd like a job, please." - Kill the person doing the job you want, and then start performing their tasks without any further ado - but remember to watch your back.
Here is a basic guide to how you ought to behave in order to fit in in various social settings.
If you experience a situation where:
A Commoran frowns at you - Either kill them or run away.
A Commoran yells at you - Either kill them or run away.
A Commoran attacks you - Either kill them or run away.
A Commoran smiles at you - Either kill them or run away.
A Commoran laughs at you - Either kill them or run away.
A Commoran offers you a drink - Either kill them or run away.
A Commoran attempts to get you to do something - Either kill them or run away.
A Commoran looks at you - Either kill them or run away.
A Commoran talks to you - Either kill them or run away.
A group of Commorans does any of the above - Run away.
Crime and Punishment:
The government of Commoragh prides itself on keeping an eminently secure city. In fact, in the entirety of M40, there was no murder or other death from unnatural causes at all recorded in the city.
A breakdown of the main causes of death that millennium:
Death by attempted inhalation of large amount of metal splinters using unconventional consumption methods - 58%
Death by accidental loss of molecular coherence - 31%
Death by accidental loss of coherence of organs, non-microscopic - 6%
Death by medical mishap - 4%
Miscellaneous - 1%
The final category consists of such tragic coincidences as "Fall from the height of 1+ kilometer while swimming", "Medical condition - spontaneous development of corporeal imperfection", "Death by 38 consecutive accidental falls onto knife of innocent passer-by" and "monomolecular-edged metallic cancer". Therefore, crime is clearly not a concern for either the tourist or the native inhabitant.
Rumours of rampant drug abuse have been denied by the local authorities.
Remember - if the Commoran tourist agency attempts to contact you, either avoid them or be heavily armed. And never accept an invitation from a Haemonculus for any kind of occasion, festive or otherwise. And, above all: Enjoy your stay.
All printed below are materials to be incorporated into the next edition, provided free of charge to our loyal customers. You may make up to one (1) copy of this for your own use only. The Imperial Traveler's Guide, A Taste of Terra, Enjoy the Eye of Terror, Coping with Commoragh, Ulthwé Uncovered and The Gorkamorka Guide-Manual are (c) the Imperial Travelers' Association, Inc.
Food and Delicacies:
The best word to describe Eldar raider cuisine might be unusual. The term zesty also springs to mind, although referring less to the taste of the food than the effects. At first glimpse, the colour and arrangement of the food might seem radical, or even uninviting, but rest assured, once you get part the blood reds and other colours generally reserved for major disasters, the Commoran cuisine will cater to your every taste bud. Your first taste of the food cooked in this strange, charming place is likely to never leave you. The importance granted hedonism and sensual experience in this town means that no two meals will ever be alike; no meal ever bland. Do not worry yourself overly after the meal, either. Stomach discomfort, a certain degree of nausea and other such symptoms, normally worrisome, are simply a furthering of the sensual experience credo.
If you see any food that looks particularly inviting or appetizing, don't eat it. If you have already done so upon reading this, we offer our condolences.
Last edited by Tutankhankh; September 4th, 2008 at 21:29.
I hope you don't mind me posting in here (don't want to interrupt your guide or anything) but I'd just like to say that this is awesome.
Not having a proper tourist guide is all that's kept me from visiting Commoragh so far, and now that that's out of the way, I'm packing my bags for sure!
I should be back in a week or so. And I'm sure nothing will go wrong!
Thank you. And, actually, I don't mind you posting, 'cause it's finished now.
And good luck on your journey. I know all of us who have visited Commoragh before you have enjoyed it. Be sure to put spikes on your suitcase, though. Wouldn't do to stick out.
If anybody wants me to write up a piece on some aspect of visiting fair Commoragh that I've forgotten, just say so.
Well I used the guide when I went with the wife and kids, and I just got back today (as for the wife and kids....well there were incidents....).
I found this guide very useful indeed!
Overall 4/5. I think more could have been said about local cuisine, but generally the social hints and local phrases helped us resolve any issues.
"God is dead" Nietzsche- 1886
"Nietzsche is dead" God- 1900
Why are there scams? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q71FLDIMBc8
Cuisine. Right. I shall endeavour to expound upon this fascinating subject.
AN ANNOUNCEMENT: As of 17:25 hours, GMT+1, on the 4th of September 2008, fully half my rep power and more than that ratio of rep has been generated by this thread. That is what I call 'cool'.
I have updated the final post of the above with a short section on Commoran cuisine. Any future additions will be added here, as well.
Last edited by Tutankhankh; September 4th, 2008 at 21:31.