Hive Fleet Ophidian

[Elric of the void]

This is the first pre-segment of my fluff for my new army, this is the teaser prior to the story, the not so fluffy variant can be found in the Tyranid forum under "Creating a new Broodlord", but, I wouldn't read it. I intend to change it a lot. I'll post my revision in chapter segments as time permits.

Date: 0734032.M41
Priority: Code 65.2 ; Imminent danger to Terra
Cross ref to: Dark Templar Chapter Fleet; Warmarshal
Subject: Final transmission of Warmarshal Lorca of the Dark Templar 1st chapter.

<<Begin Transmission>>
I hear by relinquish my command of the 1st chapter of the Dark Templar on garrison patrol on the inner ring of Ultima Segmentum to the new Warmarshal Julian Arco.
Command Authorization: 0000-9201-2345-AX09-V1R2 encryption:FFFF8245b
Supplicants Authorization: 9999-7201-B2A4-VEXX-N071 encryption: 000010CAB
After today I will step down and relinquish command of my flagship the Isolocus and all her crew to the new Warmarshal.
-Warmarshal Lorca
<<End Transmission>>

Due to extenuating circumstances this message and all subsequent messages have been redirected to a new source.
Cross ref to: Inquisitor Kryptman; Inquisitor
Forward all further details directly to the Inquisitor.
All information pertaining to this incident should not be discussed, new priority
Code has been issued.

Priority Upgrade: Code 002 ; Inquisitorial Review

[Leech]

That's a start, I already read your Broodlord fluff. I think you should build on it with more details of size of your Hive fleet and how it gets or got it's name. Such as mine is called Scorpio for all my scorpion-like critters. Also Inquisitor Kryptmann was fired, declared 'Tratoris extremis' or something like that and he is now on the run. I don't think the Imperium will send him any data if he is viewed as a loathesome traitor/radical/heretic/deviant etc.