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i was thimking, we should all get together and make a story like each one of us come's up with an idea! so to star off, it will be about space marine's the 5th and sixth doom eagle's company's, in a system called luciyum(loo-see-umm) during the 3rd heretical crusade, over half the planets in the system have been taken over by, cultist gaurdsmen, led by the whole thousand son's legion. the main character is captain, jull of 5th company and his sqaud of 9 vetrens that he leads! gimme some idea's once we have enough we will put it all together!
or just post you're on story about anything warhammer 40k related. hope to see some up soon!
Last edited by zac_the_god; October 16th, 2008 at 04:25.
seargent zane stood at the front of his sqaud"charge!". everyone ran down the slope into the mouth of the fortress gate's.when the 3 heretics saw the ten marines chargeing the fortress so they screame and charged also. the first heretics skull was burst apart in bit's of blood and gore, by the hilt of the seargents power sword, another was torn apart from a short blast of bolter shell's to the chest. the third slowed, stopped, then turn and ran but was blown to oblivion by a heavy bolter. in the chaos lord qaurter's. "my lord, we are under attack!" yelled a heretic with a distorted face and ugly feature's. the choa's marine looked out the window"ha, they think they can take over a base just then ten of them? there's at least 3,000 of us!" the marine was waving a finger at the sky. they lord looked up to see the last thing he ever will, as hundreds of orbitatl bomb's dropped on the fortress. explosion after explosion, the bombs tore the base apart. "so they decided to bommbard after all!? stupid bastard's could have killed us!" shouted zane angrily. the 10 marine's spread out in search for any who might have survived the destruction." die emperor scum!" yelled a heretic who jumped out from behind a peice of rubble. unlike all te other's he was dressed in full armor, he un sheathed a chainsword and went after drak. drack pulled out his knife, the two weapons clshed with much force, then the heretic pushed drak's blade of the chainsword and did a sweeping move for drak's legs. drak jumped over the attack as the heretic became disorientated from the miss of the powerfull swind, drak pounced on the heretic slidng his knife in between two of his enemy's ribbs and punctureing the lungs. the heretic gasped, and grabbed at the air then fell silent." what a day!" drak said stretching his arm's and walking off to the bunkroom. zane walked inn "everyone get some sleep for tomorow, we again do the emperor's bidding. may the emperor protect!"
end of part 2
thx for reading. tips or corrections welcomed.
Last edited by zac_the_god; October 16th, 2008 at 23:47.
My suggestion would be to capitalize words to emphasize emotion, eg "my lord, we are under attack!" yelled a heretic with a distorted face should in really be "MY LORD, WE ARE UNDER ATTACK".
The same goes with names.
Also try to add spaces between paragraphs, making it easier to distinguish between who is talking.
Last edited by World eater; October 17th, 2008 at 01:41.
Rule 37: There is no 'overkill'. There is only 'open fire' and 'I need to reload'.
Poor, inconsistent and jarring sentence construction. The style doent feel mature enough for me.
TONS of spelling errors - have you edited for effect?
Just some suggestions
ya righ now im in process of editing. that was just my rough draft basically.
(thanks for tip's)
veteran seargent 3rd company
weapons: power sword, bolter
armor: artificer power armor
relics: iron halo