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"Send down Lieutenant Carpfied and his men to investigate, let him make use of a sentinel squad, but no more do you hear boy, can't be letting him think that we're getting soft, now, can we? Off you pop." This is what Colonel Segenslam orded his second-in-command Lieutenant-Commander Markons to do about the odd reports coming in from the forests just a bit north-west of the trenches. The men of the 123rd Ruskar regiment had been locke in a gruelling battl of arritition with the traiters of the 34th and 35th regiments of the same world for several days now, and were still awaiting reinforcments. As Carpfield looked on at the forests that he was to enter as of tomorrow morning, he wondered what the hell the was in there. The reports were very strange, claiming of "red skeletons, who rise even after a hundered las-shots." It scared and intriuged Carpfield at the same time. His men were just scared. His men carried to war: 2 motars, 1 missle launcher, 4 flamers, 2 melta guns, 1 plasma gun, 2 bolters ("re-claimd" from two dead marines serving with the regiment at the time) and 45 lasguns. He had 55 men (including himself) to led into the unknown. He held his plasma pistol tightly in his hand.
Just before dawn Carpfield roused his men. They readied themselves for the coming scouting mission. At 0600 hours they left for the forest. By 0800 hours Carofield had lost 49 of his men, including two of the sentinels, and all of their drivers. The enemy ambushed them so quickly, sparing no-one. Their weapons fired green rods of light, stripping away armour, clothing, skin and then bone. Carpfield had barely reported in on the attack, when they were gone, back into the forest, ready to strike again.
"Emporer protect" said carpfield as he shot another badly bleeding man, this one had just his head, neck and chest left. It was a blood bath. The Leuitenant gathred his remaining men. They all had lasguns, apart from one, who carried a melta gun. He was the only one who felled one of the red skeletons. As they carried on, eyes were watching them. They beloged to their other enemy. The Boyz of the Blood axe clan watched the men leave. Then they followed...
So what do you all think of my first two paragraphs of my little story (which I will be expanding) c and c welcome!
Necrons-Currently building, finished by feb with any luck.
looks ok, but could do with more description of events, and your action is broken up. By this, i mean you use a new sentence for everything, when the parts should link to form a sequence.
I.E. They all had lasguns, apart from one, who carried a melta gun. He was the only one who felled one of the red skeletons.
would be better written in terms of flow as:
All of the remaining men had lasguns, except for one trooper, who carried a melta gun, and was the only man to have felled one of the red skeletons.
you really have little description of the terrain and men, and how they look and act. There is no description of Carpfeild, is he fat, short, tall, heroic, cowardly? Also, the forest. All we know is it's a forest. Are the trees alien, brooding and dense, or normal, spacious and small?
Your next problem is action sequences. You tell us what has happened, without telling us how.
"As Carpfield looked on at the forests that he was to enter as of tomorrow morning," When was he told this? how did he look at them and from where? a cosy bunker, a mud-soaked trench, a hilltop bathed in the sun's dying rays?
then there's the list of men. It's not a good way of doing it. Try, in the action sequences (which you need to put in more) naming certain peces of wargear. "Carpfeild saw his flamer squad ripped apart by the green light." However, it is good to have an idea of the forces beforehand, but try to come up with a clearer reason why the list pops up. Of course, of all these special weapons, the first action involving them is being informed of their deaths, so did this detail matter to the story?
A better structure of the story (and longer too) would be the commader getting and reading the reports, then issuing the order, then showing carpfeild getting told them, then how he comes to be looking at the forest, then setting off, then his men getting killed in an action scene, then after that it works. (this bit's just an idea.)
Basically, you have good ideas, but you need more description, more linking of sentences, more characterisation (this is a tricky one), more action as opposed to what happened after the action (yes, that does make sense) With refining, there's a good story here
Fluff goes in the fluff section.
Use a dictionary and spell checker. While this is generally very important, it's even more important on fluff - which is essentially fiction.
Emperor. NOT Emporer.
LO RulesOriginally Posted by AnonymousOriginally Posted by Cyric
Looks like a decent start. Needs a bit of cleaning up grammar wise. Slow down a little bit, you packed almost a chapter's worth of action into two paragraphs. Use more description, add some suspense, fill out characters more. If you're going to be continuing further, giving the characters a face is VERY important to draw in the readers.