Welcome to Librarium Online!
Join our community of 80,000+ members and take part in the number one resource for Warhammer and Warhammer 40K discussion!
Registering gives you full access to take part in discussions, upload pictures, contact other members and search everything!
So the following is a little section of a short story I have been writing. I am very open to comments and criticism. Mainly I want to know, does it hold your attention? Does it make you want to read more? Hopefully it will. I hope you enjoy.
“Get in da trukk you maggots!” yelled ‘Eadkrumpa. He was in an especially foul mood. The Imperial Guard were raining on his parade or “Waaagh” as it were.
“Dem stoopid ‘umies. Always gettin’ in da way. I’ll make ‘em pay. Deys gonna pay good,” ‘Eadkrumpa muttered to himself.
It wasn’t easy being an Ork Warboss. You always had to look over your shoulder to make sure some Nob wasn’t about to stab you in the back and take your place. The paranoia really got in the way of making an effective battle plan. Not that he ever really worried about plans. ‘Eadkrumpa’s plans were always, “Run at the enemy as fast as you can, screamin’ yer ‘ead off, get stuck in and start krumpin’ ‘eads.” It really was a good plan. It worked every time… eventually. And that was why he was in such a bad mood. The Imperial Guard had caught on to his plan and were defeating his boys with ease. But like the Mad Dok always said, “If you want somfin krumped, krump it yerself.” And that was exactly what ‘Eadkrumpa planned to do. He grinned as he thought about the devastation he was about to wreak on the Imperial Guard. He was feeling better already.
Colonel Rennik looked through his magnoculars. “Stupid xenos scum. No tactics what-so-ever,” he thought to himself. “They always do the same thing,” Rennik said to Color Sergeant Bourne. “They never learn and that is why they are inferior and must be removed from the universe.”
“Yes sir,” replied Bourne.
Bourne was a quiet man. He never spoke much, but when he did, the soldiers listened. Bourne had served as the regiment’s standard bearer for as long as Rennik could remember. He was a good soldier, a fierce fighter, and loyal to the Emperor.
“Get Lieutenant Carth on the vox. Tell him to press the advantage. Drive those foul xenos from the field,” Rennik said.
“Yes, colonel,” replied the vox operator.
Colonel Rennik looked through his magnoculars at Carth’s position on the left flank. Carth’s platoon and several tanks as well as a Sentinel walker slowly started to move forward. The Orks broke like waves against rocks, so intense was the Guard’s firepower. Soon Carth’s platoon had pushed the Orks back over a ridge and went out of sight.
“Raise Carth on the vox. I don’t want him out of sight. Tell him to reposition on the ridge,” Rennik said calmly.
Before the vox operator could speak, Carth’s frantic voice came through the vox.
“…trap. They have trucks...,” Carth reported.
And then there was only static.
Rennik looked through his magnoculars and saw dustclouds behind the ridge. Over the ridge swarmed dozens of Ork vehicles, their black and steel armor glistening in the faint sunlight. A single bright red truck led the way.
“Emperor help us,” Rennik whispered.
Pretty good read, some of the sentences were a bit choppy. This is a great pre-setting to an epic fight scene. The first paragraph holds the attention, but the second paragraph is a little "blah" if you understand me. Maybe if you played the xenophobic ideals of Colonel Rennik stronger, it will hold the attention.