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The Fall Of Mellonni.
Written By Matthew Morosoli
Mellonni gazed across the dull stone room at the distressed faces of the ruminants of Craftworld Fah’Que. She slowly strode across the room towards Mehtani. She put her mouth to his ear and she whispered. “How...how did this happen?” The Autatch’s ice cold stare told the entire story. He didn’t reply, he simply gazed out of the stone room. The floor was lined with dirt and moss and the warriors stood at attention, calm and collected on the outside and on the inside, wishing they were anywhere but in that room.
Mellonni turned away from Mehtani and scanned the room until she found Dur’ah. She pointed at him and beckoned him forward. Durah did as he was instructed by his farseer. He silently walked along the room, his dark pathfinder cloak sweeping along the floor as he walked. Mellonni spoke to him in a cold voice. “You will take your pathfinders and you will scout the area, search for any threats…and…any survivors” Dur’ah bowed and then left the room, the rest of the pathfinders scurrying out behind him. Mellonni closed her eyes to meditate, the rest of the room completely silent, the only noise, a steady dripping of water from a crack in the roof.
Mellonni was no stranger to danger, you could say in fact that her exposure to it at a young age was what helped her to develop as a successful seer. It was the time of 9949.M41 when Craftworld Biel Tan landed on the planet Kasyr Lutein in response to an attack on a webway gate by a large band of orks. Mellonni was a howling banshee exarch at the time and her squad was given the task of taking out a large squad of nobs lead by warboss Gazkhull Thraka. Mellonni lead her squad through the horde of orks, mirror swords held out in butterfly fashion slicing orks left right and centre. Every single warrior in her squad survived to this point. It was then when she spied her prize, the warlord was much larger than she initially thought and was surrounded by the mightiest looking orks she had ever seen. Everything she knew told her to leave it alone and return, but she was pumped up on adrenalin, she wasn’t thinking straight, she sent the order to her squad to attack and aspect warriors don’t disobey their Exarchs. The bloody fight between ork and banshee was epic and despite the expert training of the howling banshee squad and the razor sharp power swords they held, the orks fought back. They were outnumbered, 2,3,4 to one and slowly the squad was worn down. Only Mellonni survived, she was chased by Ghazkull away from the main fight and into a surrounding forest. Lush, green and browns didn’t hide bright bone coloured armour well and, although a skilled exarch, Mellonni didn’t have the skill to hide, only the speed to run.
The fight between Biel Tan and the Goff orks was over in a matter of days, When the elder rallied their survivors they noticed a full detatchment of howling banshees had been eliminated. Including Exarch Mellonni who was nowhere to bee seen. You could see the distress in the eyes of the Exarchs and Farseers of Biel Tan, Mellonni was the kind of person which everyone knew and liked. Although, nobody liked her more than the Exarch of the Shining Spears, Exarch Mehtani.
Mehtani was the silent type. He spoke to nobody but his Shining Spears, the Autarchs and Farseers, and perculiarly, Exarch Mellonni. There were no two elder closer than Mellonni and Mehtani on Craftworld Biel Tan in its early days, the two of them spent all their time together, they spoke about their plans for the future and exchanged stories of their pasts. They spent most of their time together in the observatory, looking at the stars and other planets that they passed by, wondering what war was raging there, wondering how many people were dying for no reason, wondering how many people jumping out of a tank or dropping in from the sky would never return home. Although extremely rare, it came as no surprise when Exarch Mellonni fell pregnant and eventually gave birth to a baby daughter named Cien. It was during the time of celebration on Craftworld Biel Tan that the ork force began attacking the webway gate. Mellonni was forced to leave Cien in the care of the Warlocks of her Craftworld and don the gear of the howling banshee once more.
At the news of Mellonni’s Disappearance Exarch Mehtani pled his case to the Farseers. “She has to be alive! She has to, please…please let me look for her!” the Farseers announced that he, and anyone leaving to search for Mellonni would have exactly 10 hours before the Craftworld would leave the planet, and never return. Mehtani waited not a second before jumping on a jetbike and engaging the search. He was followed by his shining spears and a squad of pathfinders lead by Dur’ah.
Mellonni was walking through the dense forrest, trying to find her way back. Ghazkull had not been defeated he simply returned to the fight and left Mellonni on her own and at bay of the harsh environment. She walked cautiously over leaves and bark. It was eerily silent, only the noise of her feet crunching leaves. There were no birds singing, no insects chirping. Only the sound of silence.
Mehtani sped over the barren landscape in search of Mellonni, faster and faster. Past more and more corpses and bloodstained land. Eventually, Mehtani saw something that seemed odd, he had senced a life form through his jetbikes inbuilt scanner, coming from the right. His heart skipped a beat. He turned and the shining spears followed. He looked, nervously towards his target. Is it her? He kept asking himself. Seconds felt like hours and it seemed like it took him a milenia to reach the “life form” that showed up on his radar.
Mellonni looked up, she could hear something. Like the sound of wind. Jetbikes. She clasped her cape and quickly made her way behind a tree out of sight. She looked up again, and what she saw brought a huge smile to her face. It was Exarch Mehtani. He arrived and had the biggest smile that she had seen. She ran over to him and hugged him tight. Suddenly Durah’s pathfinders emerged through the shadows, followed closely by a squad of striking scorpions. Finally Dire avengers and Howling Banshees emerged from a landing wave serpent.
“what is this?” Mellonni asked
“This is you” Mehtani replied “they gave us an hour to return. These are the people who have given up life on the Craftworld, to be a part of you”
Mellonni looked at the warriors who had assembled in front of her/
“Thank you, Thank you all!” she cheered.
Mehtani held her by the waist, “were gonna be alright, you know that” he whispered in her ear.
Suddenly there was a ruffled noise coming from the right of them.
“Everyone! To the cave on the right” mellonni cried.
“Oh, Its go time!” howled Mehtani.
Well I've seen this story remain without comments so I thought I'd throw in my two cents.
I have to admit I know little about the Eldar, what I know amounts only to what I've read here every now and then on the forums, and so I'll focus my comments on the writing instead. The first thing I have to say jumps to mind is that, while it's structured in paragraphs, you might want to take out the dialogue from them, to add a bit more readability to it. As an example from the first paragraph:Also in the line " she sent the order to her squad to attack and aspect warriors don’t disobey their Exarchs." feels like there should be a pause to separate the moment she sends the order, and maybe a semicolon to add that aspect warriors don't disobey. Just a thought of course.Mellonni gazed across the dull stone room at the distressed faces of the ruminants of Craftworld Fah’Que. She slowly strode across the room towards Mehtani.
She put her mouth to his ear and she whispered, “how...how did this happen?”
The Autatch’s ice cold stare told the entire story. He didn’t reply, he simply gazed out of the stone room. The floor was lined with dirt and moss and the warriors stood at attention, calm and collected on the outside and on the inside, wishing they were anywhere but in that room.
I don't know what level of involvement you want to bring the reader, as an afterthought, you might consider using 'one' rather than 'you'. But only if you want to give it a more detached, though still personal feel to it.
There's a bit where you say "Mellonni was the kind of person which everyone knew and liked" I think 'that' would have been a much better replacement for which. I know which sounds infinitely more interesting than 'that' and I fall into the trap of using it way too often, and then have to rethink it.
"Ghazkull had not been defeated he simply returned to the fight and left Mellonni on her own and at bay of the harsh environment." Something about that sentence just doesn't sound right... I understand what you mean to say, but maybe... "Ghazkull returned to the fight undefeated, abandoning his persuit of Mellonni and leaving her fate to the harsh environment." might work better.
The story is good, the loyalty is there - but for the last bit, I just can't picture an eldar saying it's go time .
Anyway I hope my comments were helpful, feel free to disregard them, don't think I'm correcting you, just trying to give my input on how the the writing might be improved to make the story flow better.