Hey Guys! I really hoped to post this around April Fool's Day, but I didnt get a chance. I decided that we should make a post all about funny skits and jokes about Warhammer! Here are some examples of Warhammer Comedy I have collected (not made, found) for everyone's enjoyment. If anyone wishes to post jokes, go ahead! I made none of these jokes, and if anyone recognizes their own work and wishes for me to remove it, I will.
Warhammer Home Improvement
+++LOADING "HOME IMPROVEMENT"+++
The intro for HIWMC plays. Marneus is seen sawing, hammering in nails, and hugging small children.
The camera makes a swooping move, ending in a garden, outside what appears to be a Eldar house. Marneus Calgar and four other Marines are standing outside the door. They are not wearing any helmets, instead they are wearing yellow hard-hats.
Marneus: Hi everybody, and welcome the my new show, "Home Improvement" with me, Marneus Calgar. To kick of our very first episode, we have a very special guest, whose house is going to get a make over! It´s none other that farseer extrordinare, and all round alien scum, Eldrad Ulthran!
Marneus knocks rather hard on the door. Afte a good while, Eldrad opens it. He´s wearing his night-clothes, covered in litte pictures of Khaine. He gets a look of extreme suspicion in his eyes when he sees Calgar.
Marneus: Congratulations Eldrad! You have been selected to get a free house makeover, on galaxywide T.V!
Eldrad: I didn´t sign up for this.
Marneus: Nobody does.
Two of the Marines manhandle Eldrad out of the house and he disspears from view. Marneus enters the house.
Marneus: Let´s see. We will as always start with the hallway.
The camera makes a sweep over the hallway. It´s white, and there´s a small sofa and a table with a lamp..
Marneus: As we all know, a mans home is his fortress. Now, what would happen if a slvering Carnifex broke into Eldrads hallway? What would he do? Beat him of with a lamp?
Marneus makes a imitation of Eldrad trying to fend of a carnifex with a lamp. The marines roll on the floor with laughter.
Marneus: But fear not! We will help Eldrad! Get to work my brothers!
The Marines beging erecting steel bulkheads along the walls. In the centre, they mount a huge multimelta on a tripod.
Marneus: There, much better. Now on to the living room.
They enter Eldrads living room. It´s a spacious room, filled with exquisite whraithbone ornaments, and spiritstones decorating the walls. Marneus frowns.
Marneus: While Eldrads room might be chique in certain circles, it´s so M.35:ish.... We can do better than that. First though, we have to clear the room.
The marines begin to rip apart the room with the aid of chainswords and powerfists. You can almost hear the faint screams of the eldar spirits when Marneus powerfists smash into the wraithbone covered wall. After a good 30 minutes of wanton destruction, the room is barren. Marneus wipes the sweat from his brow.
Marneus: There, now we can begin decorating. While my brothers are doing that, we can look at the garden.
The camera once again shows Eldrads beautiful garden.
Marneus: Nice, but not wartorn enough for my taste. Brother Altus?
Brother Altus hops on a Marine-bike and begins revving around the garden, leaving deep deep trackmarsk everywhere. Marnues nods, satisfied.
Marneus: Now, for the most important room in the house. The bedroom!
Eldrads bedroom is a sombre place, with a simple cot to sleep on. The room is however dominated by a big mural on one wall, depicting the Eldar gods in one of their wars. It´s magnificent.
Marneus: Today, is the annual of the day when the Emperor defeated the traitor warlord Horus! And what better way to celebrate it, than with a HUGE wallpainting depicting this glorious victory?!
With those words, he begins to paint over the mural. A while later the Marines gather in the livingroom, wich is now dominated by a huge gold Imperial Eagle hanging from the ceiling. Small statues of the Emperor has also been placed everywhere.
Marneus: Now, for the final touches! An new entrance into the kitchen into the living room...
He smashes through the wall with his powerfist. A crude doorway into the kitchen is formed.
Marneus: Some new literature for Eldrad to read, including a SIGNED copy of my new biography, "Marneus, the man behind the armour"!
One of the marines takes up a flamer and roasts Eldrads old books, lying in a pile on the floor. Another marine erects a crude bookshelf and fills it with Empire-approved books.
Marneus: Now, it´s time for Eldrad to see what we have accomplished. I´m sure he´ll be overjoyed!
Eldrad steps in. The camera is so close to Eldrad that you can actually see the vein in his forehead burst.
Eldrad: What in the name of Khaine´s seven body orifices have you done to my house!?!?
Marneus (looking truly hurt): You don´t like it?
The singing spear targeted at his heart is answer enough. As the camera slowly fades out, we see Eldrad and Marneus wrestling on the floor, shouting curses at each other.
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(Dark Angels at the Movie theatre skit)
(Movie theater. Various normal people sitting around, waiting for the
movie to begin. Doors open, and Azrael, Ezekiel and Asmodai of the
Dark Angels enter. They make their way to an empty row)
AZRAEL- Brothers, come! We shall sit here, in a row that is free of heretics and accursed alien filth!
EZEKIEL- Thou art correct, Brother. I sense no tainted mind of Chaos within this row!
ASMODAI- Come Brothers! Let us be seated!
(They all sit down. Their massive power-armoured forms block the view
of seven people behind them)
ASMODAI- Brother, what is thy concern?
AZRAEL- In our foolish rush, we have forgotten to purchase
ASMODAI- Dost thou wish to repent and seek forgiveness, Brother
EZEKIEL- Come Brothers, calm thyselves! There is still time!
AZRAEL- I shall take a squad of Marines to the refreshment area,
where we will purchase food and drink, which we shall consume for the
duration of this motion picture!
ASMODAI- Wait Brother! We still require local currency!
AZRAEL- Blessed be thy quick mind Asmodai! I shall empty my pockets
for local currency!
(Azrael empties his robe pockets)
AZRAEL- Emperor's blood... I have only enough to purchase strong
monkish ale for but one of us!
EZEKIEL- Fear not Brother, for we too shall empty our pockets!
(They all empty their pockets)
ASMODAI- Praise be Him on Terra! We have enough of this crude local
currency to purchase strong monkish ale for us all!
EZEKIEL- But wait! What about nourishment?
AZRAEL- Aye, in the form of heavily salted popped corn!
ASMODAI- We have not enough to purchase such decandant luxuries!
AZRAEL- Thou art correct Asmodai. But enough idle prattle! I go now
to purchase strong monkish ale!
(Azrael stands up, but begins to struggle)
EZEKIEL- Brother Azrael, what is wrong?
AZRAEL- Uuurgh... c-can't move... feet stuck... to f-floor! Urgh!
ASMODAI- Alas, he is being held by arcane and blasphemeous Chaos
AZRAEL- Some sort of... urrgh... strange adhesive... coating m-my
EZEKIEL- Brother, arm thyself! We must free our beloved Chapter
Master from this foul embrace of Chaos!
(Ezekiel and Asmodai arm their bolters. Azrael suddenly breaks free
on the chewing gum that had stuck to the soles of his boots)
AZRAEL- Hold thy fire Brothers! I have broken free!
ASMODAI- Truly our Chapter Master is blessed by the Lion and the
Emperor of Terra, may His light never die!
AZRAEL- We shall have time to rejoice later Brother, for I still
EZEKIEL- Brother Azrael! The motion picture has started!
AZRAEL- Curses! Then I must make haste, immediately! Our parched
gullets depend on my swiftness!
ASMODAI- Then hurry Brother! With all haste! Emperor be with you!
AZRAEL- Many thanks Brother! I go now... TO PURCHASE STRONG MONKISH
ALL- UNTIL THE SWORD IS REFORGED!!!
(People in the back row begin to throw popcorn at them)
EZEKIEL- Brothers, take cover! We are under fire!
ASMODAI- Arm thyselves! Prepare to return fire! We shall cleanse
their souls with righteous bolter fire!
AZRAEL- Die heretic filth!!!
(They open fire and massacre the people in the back row. In the row
in front of them, CYPHER and LUTHER)
LUTHER- (points back over shoulder) See? THAT'S why I turned to Chaos...
CYPHER- My sentiments exactly... (turns to face the three Dark
Angels) WILL YOU THREE SHUT UP!!!
AZRAEL, EZEKIEL AND ASMODAI- Emperor's bones! Cypher, the Fallen One!
REPENT, FOR TOMORROW YOU...
CYPHER- yeah, yeah, blah blah blah...
(A WATCHER pops up from nowhere, steals Cypher's popcorn and runs off)
CYPHER- Why you little-!
(WATCHER giggles sadistically and runs out of the cinema)
CYPHER- Curse you, you damn Jawa-wannabe!!!
(CYPHER pulls out plasma pistol and bolt pistol and sprays fire
around randomly, slaughtering people)
LUTHER- Cypher, jeez, it's just popcorn, and besides, the damn things
(Azrael whips out combi-plasma and places it point-blank to Cypher's
AZRAEL- Die, Fallen One!
CYPHER- You do realise I'll only truly die if the divine power that
protects me rolls three ones...
(Azrael fires. Cypher is blown apart. Luther looks on, amused)
LUTHER- Well, whaddya know? Guess Cypher wasn't so lucky after all...
(Ezekiel and Asmodai pull out force sword and crozius respectively
and loom over Luther)
EZEKIEL AND ASMODAI- REPENT, TRAITOR!!! FOR TOMORROW YOU DIE!!!
LUTHER- ... Wait a minute.
AZRAEL, ASMODAI AND EZEKIEL- WHAT IS IT, FOUL ONE SPEAK SWIFTLY, FOR
YOUR TIME IS...
LUTHER- Shut it. I was wondering, about that "Repent for tomorrow you
AZRAEL- It is our sacred battlecry!
LUTHER- Yes, but technically, if you are to adhere to your battlecry,
you should come back tomorrow and kill me tomorrow, which is kinda
silly really, since you've just sort of warned me and given me some
sort of advantage, as I can stay out your way tomorrow.
AZRAEL- Shut up! Shut up!
LUTHER- Furthermore, if you shout that battlecry EVERY TIME you are
about to do battle with someone, doesn't that mean that you can never
kill anyone? I mean, take now for instance. You say, "Repent, for
tomorrow you die", correct? Now, if you do track me down tomorrow,
you would have to shout your battlecry again; "Repent, for tomorrow
you die", so you couldn't attack me then either. And so on and so on
and so on.
EZEKIEL- (downcast) You've just mutilated the battlecry we've been
happily using for ten millennia...
ASMODAI- That's soooo meeeean!!!
LUTHER- And what's up with the dresses!? The old Dark Angels never
AZRAEL- They are our holy robes...
LUTHER- Damn it, I don't even want to be the Great Fallen One of a
damn transvestite chapter!
I wonder if the Ultramarines could recruit me as some sort of arch-
enemy of old? At least they don't wear dressing gowns into battle!
EZEKIEL- If I can just make a point...
LUTHER- Just get out of my sight. You're scum. I don't even want to
look at you.
ASMODAI- But Sir...
LUTHER- SPEAK WHEN YOU'RE SPOKEN TO, MONK BOY!!! Now, get out.
(Azrael, Asmodai and Ezekiel shuffle out of the cinema. Luther
settles back in his seat and rests his feet on a Watcher in the Dark)
LUTHER- Thank Chaos for that.
TWO WEEKS LATER, THE EMPEROR'S THRONEROOM...
ADEPTUS CUSTODES- Lord God Imperator?
THE BIG GUY- Yeeeeeeeesss...?
ADEPTUS CUSTODES- (hands the Throne Geezer a piece of paper) The Dark
Angels wish to hand in their letter of resignation...
THE BIG GUY- WTF!!?
ADEPTUS CUSTODES- Apparently they've had rather a strict talking-to
and they've just had enough of being bullied really. They want to
THE BIG GUY- BY MY GOLDEN TOILET, THEY CANNOT SIMPLY QUIT!!!
ADEPTUS CUSTODES- Oh, they did kill Cypher though...
THE BIG GUY- Ah well, guess no rebirth for me... and I really wanted
to be the Star Child too...
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MTV Cribs with Khorne
Today on MTV Cribs! We've got the God himself, Khorne!
Khorne: 'Sup MTV, I hope you don't mind but Im in the middle of redecorating right now. Anyway, lemme show you around.
*walk away, go into room with 5 people cowering in the corner*
Khorne: Check it! This is my bedroom, I'm about to paint it, right now. Don't worry man, this'll only take two secs. *pulls out chain axe* BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD!! Whoops, I meant BLOOD FOR MYSELF!!! *slaughters every one in room, and blood splatters the wall* That takes care of that. To the kitchen!!
Khorne: Check it out, MTV, it's my main man, Tzeentch!*does intricate handshake with one of Tzeentch's tentacles* And Slaanesh.... man, put down my papaya!!
*Slaanesh drops papaya and walks away slumped over*
Khorne: Anyway... *figure shuffles into room* Nurgle, don't tell me you were in the bathroom again!!
*tears into stove with chain axe, and screams in anger before leaving the room*
Nurgle: Man, what's his problem?
Tzeentch: No idea, I really should send him to my therapist.
*cuts back to Khorne, now in living room*
Khorne: Well, now that I've calmed down, here's my living room. This is my 300 inch TV, and over here is... That's right, you've guessed it! My throne of skulls!! No one 'cept the king *points at himself* sits on this baby! That's right, I pity the fool that touches my throne!
*Camera shows Slaanesh picking up a skull, causing the whole thing to fall apart*
Khorne: WRAAAAAGH!!! That took 38,000 years to make!!! DIE!!!! *camera cuts out under massive warp energy*
*camera turns back on to show Khorne standing in his living room*
Khorne: Well, that took care of him. Plus, he made a nice trophy. *Khorne moves to show Slaanesh's head mounted on wall. Well, that's all for now, MTV. Now get out of my house... *rears chainaxe*
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Imperial Guard Jokes
How many guarsdmen does it take to paint a Leman Russ?
It depends on how hard you throw them...
What do you call a 1,000,000 Imperial Guardsmen doing battle against a company of Space Marines?
What kind of jokes do Chaos Worshippers like?
What do you call Space Wolves who've fallen to Chaos?
"No shouting in the Demolisher, the driver doesn't like loud noises"
Beware the alien, the mutant, the hairy-tick.
How do you make an ork look pretty?
Vaporise his head!!!
Things you don't wanna hear when you're in the Imperial Guard:
"We're outta ammo?"
"Khorne Berserkers good fighters? Us Cadians can handle them!"
"You mean you FORGOT the Leman Russes?"
"Why are the Dark Angels surrounding us?"
"Welcome to the Cata- PRIVATE!!!! THERE'S A WRINKLE IN YOUR BANDANA!!!! IRON IT OUT, THEN GIVE ME 500 LAPS AROUND THE BASE!!"
"Funny, the Ogryns don't smell as bad when dead."
"Hey, a grenade without a pin!"
"You just had to forget the gas for the chimera, didn't you?"
"You know, guys...Chaos isn't SO bad"
"Whaddya mean orbital bombardment?"
"We missed our shooting phase?"
"Hey, Sarge, this thing just fell out of the sky, it's all fleshy and squishy, and there are scratching noises inside."
"Hehe, that's a good practical joke, plugging the tank's guns... let's stay really close to it so we can see the looks on their faces!"
"Our regiment has been assigned to fight in the Third Armageddon War? Sounds fun!"
"Sweet! And I get to be one of them? Man, this is so cool! I can't wait! Hey, what are the Last Chancers anyway?"
"Boy, I hope those artillery guys got the right coordinates..."
"Hah! Those Chaos dopes spelled 'surrender' with only one R!"
"I'm your new commanding officer. Now, this is my first command, so go easy on me, okay?"
"See? Lasguns can take anything. Drop it, throw it in the swamp, use it as a club, and it still...uh oh."
"Well, we're low on ammo, our radio's busted, and we've got genestealers coming in on all sides. Let's charge them!"
A very bad thing to hear is the Sergeant shouting "WAKE UP!" and then you realise that you are in the Imperial Guard.
This is the captain speaking, I am proud to say we have been ordered to the Gothic sector to get a Blackstone something or whatever....anyways should be an easy gig.
....By the way we will be there in 5 minutes...
This is you servant of the Machine god.......the Geller field is down for repairs....all of you standing near a window are advised to run.......quickly...but don’t be worried....that is all......Oh and whomever took my tools please put them back where you got them.........that is all.
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Iron Chef: 40K Editions.
Welcome to Iron Chef 40K!!
Today we have two of the universes finest chefs competing against each other for the title of Iron Chef 40K!!
I’m your host for today Eldrad Utharan. We have seen some pretty strange ingredients in our time here on Iron Chef, but today our main ingredient that will be used in 3 separate dishes by our Chefs has to take the cake of cakes. But we will get to that in a moment. Let’s meet out warriors for today’s battle of the kitchen.
First up is the challenger hailing from the icy cold tundra of Fenris, It’s the newly returned Leman Russ! He has been missing for who knows how long, but after seeing our show from wherever he was; He knew he had to be here.
Welcome to the show Mr. Russ
Leman: Thanks Eldrad, it’s a pleasure to be here today.
Were glad to have you Russ.
Leman: I caught your talk show the other night Eldrad, love you band man, they ROCK!
Well, I did pick them myself, so ya…..they would.
Now lets meet the Iron Chef putting his title on the line today. It’s none other than the spunky little guardsmen from the Cadian Corner restaurant, Private Samuel L. Jackson.!
Sam: Who the **** you calling spunky you *********. You don’t think I’ll come over there and **** your ******* head with a ***** fork made out of ****? Huh? That’s what I thought. M************
Well you’re just as nice as we remember you.
Leman: How is he here?
Sam is in everything.
Sam: How the **** are you here *********k.? Hairy, Chewbacca looking mu*********. I bet they can smell you all the way in the warp.
Leman: *starts to get angry but then tries to meditate* Cha cha cha cha….cha cha cah cah…I am beyond the use of force. I am a tamed wolf, I am ….
Sam: You are a ******
Leman: Must not reach for axe………..
ENOUGH!! This is a show about cooking; if you guys wanna fight then wait till after we fin the show.
And let us film it…..
All right as I stated we have seen some crazy main ingredients on this show. Ranging from the foul smelling but tasty squigs, to that thing that we found growing under the seats here. Which if you remember was also the episode that saw Typhus elevated to demon hood for his flaming pile of flies 4 layer cake. His dish was so good; people actually were trampling over each other to get away from its powerful taste. That’s good cooking there folks.
But today we have a truly special gift for our battling chefs. I give you today’s main ingredient.
FRESH LIVE CARNIFEX!!!
*two cages are raised into the center of the stage, struggling in rage within each is a towering carnifex*
I thought that you guys would like it! Without further ado, you may both began, remember you need to make at least THREE different dishes! Lets see what you got!
Leman: Right I’m on it! *takes a deep drink of a mug that mysteriously appears next to him*
Sam: *********************** (drinks some water) **********************K!
Now for those of you who have noticed the change in Mr. Russ here. He told us here that he would try his best to refrain from any killing as he has taken a vow of pacifism during his long time away. Why? We dont know, but it did help us pick out an interesting ingrediant for today.
We will see how long this peaceful way last…..
*Leman starts to walk up to the first cage and tries to soothe the carnifex inside with song and dance*
*Sam walks up to the 2cd cage and then makes a phone call*
Leman: Please!! Just let me have an arm or some plates….. I promise I wont hurt you to much. It will be painless… Look at me do I look like a man that would want to hurt you?
*Carnifex in front of Leman stops and stares at him for a bit* *then it tries to reach out and stab him*
Leman: Dam! Hey I am trying to be nice here, no come on just give me something here and I don’t have to kill you, better yet, kill yourself and make it better for both of us.
*Carnifex hisses and keeps trying to kill Russ*
Sam: Well, well, well……….you big nasty cockroach. You think I am afraid to go in and cut you huh? You think I won’t just come in there and get what I need?
Well you **** right *********. That’s why I got my guard friends to help me out here.
*Carnifex looks to its left as two hellhounds and some guardsmen walk on to the floor*
Sam: Roast this *************!
*Hellhounds open fire along with melta guns from the men around them,. The all watch as the Carnifex is burned alive in the cage.*
Well folks as you can see it looks like getting this ingredient will take some skill and in the case of Sam there, a lot of “firepower” too.
We will be right back after these simple mesg from our sponsors.
*commercial plays showing two marines running in a field together and smiling*
Space Marines, yes, they are THAT much better than guard, and they know it.
*another commercial play showing a Dark Eldar Archon passed out on the floor wearing nothing but a cowboy hat and holding a paintbrush*
Combat drugs…..they are JUST for COMBAT! If you or someone you know has a problem,….well it’s the 41st millennium so no one cares. Deal with it!
ALRIGHT!! Welcome back to Iron Chef 40K!
Were almost out of time due to out ever decreasing budget here so were going to speed things up a bit.
Well take a look at the dishes the Chefs have made so far and declare the winner from that.
Leman, what do you have?
Leman: I have yet to convince this creature to allow me to use it’s body in a peaceful way to make a delicious meal.
Ya, you keep with that Leman. Lets take a look at how Mr. Jackson is doing.
Sam: well as you can see Eldrad I have made 452 dishes of well done barbeque and it is all served on chitin plates. For that “extra” touch. Mu*******
Well this is a clear win here. The winner and still holding the title of IRON CHEF, is Samuel L. Jackson from the Cadian Corner! Congrats to you!
Leman: But its all one dish!
Sam: To your what? Zero dishes? …………..******** and ***** or **** you.
Leman: why do you always curse so much? Why do you treat me so? Why not act with the honor of a marine.
Sam: ***************************** you ****** and your********* marines! If I wanted to look like a dog and smell like the dumspter I would have asked for it.
Leman: THAT’S IT!, SCREW THIS!!!
*Leman picks up axe and throws it at Sam L. Jackson, killing him*
Leman: And you too!
*Russ turns around and strangles carnifex in cage*
Well it seems some people are sore losers huh? But that’s just how humans are, fools and idiots.
Leman: What? *throws another axe at Eldrad*
*Eldrad ducks and axe kills woman behind him*
Man in the audience: My Wife!
I saw that coming a mile away.
Man: then why didn’t you help my wife!
Hey, this power is for the greater good only buddy!
Tau in the next seat: YES, Tau Power!
Hey, not YOUR greater good grayface!
That’s all from this edition of Iron Chef 40K, stay tuned as something is possible to come on after this garbage….