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my first attempt at a short fiction story about the Ayrian 4rth Infantry. feedback greatly apprectiated.
"3C this is 3A, do you copy. 3C this is 3A, we need support in the temple district. 3C do you copy," the man handed the handset back to vox-trooper Dyllon and spat. "We are in this by our selves, cant get a link to Leutienant Syrell, so we wont be having any reinforcements. Ryas and Lyonell move forward to the next archway and secure for our advance, put that cannon to use. Darryk and Seyvek cover the rear entrance with that flamer, torch anything that aint guard. The rest of you come with me. The Emperor Protects," Sergeant Fyrdryke ordered his squad. The troopers each ran theyre seperate ways.
"Need a fresh drum no Ryas." The young trooper nodded and fished a drum magazine out of his kit, handing it to gunner Lyonell. Ryas dropped down behind and overturned table, "Seven in the northeast corner." Lyonell hefted the massive autocannon and searched. Across the wide plaza he scanned, sweeping across building fronts and windows. Movement of a purple uniform caught his eye behind and overturned wagon. "Though you could hide you stupid little .." the words suddenly drowned by the piercing rumble of the cannon barking to life. The cart splinted and bucked as the solid rounds tore through it. Five men clad in purple robes with a flame motif around the base darted out from behind the cart heading for cover behind the central fountain, showering the two Aryians in las rounds. Lyonell brought the cannon to bear and three more of the figure tumbled, cut to shreds by the withering hail of fire. Ryas leaned around a pillar and fire a single shot, dropping a figure that had emerged from behind the cart with a missle launcher. As the man spasmed the weapon fired, sending the missle into the front of the temple, directly over the two Aryians. A large chunk of rock fell from the ceiling, crashing into Lyonells head, nocking him unconcious. "Sarge, we have contact and Lyonells down. Looks like a forward recon," Ryas barked into his micro-bead.
"Im sending Pyrek to take over the cannon, keep them held back," came the reply. Ryas switched his las to full-auto and panned across the fountain. The figures had good cover now, he would have to wait them out. Trooper Pyrek jogged up and grabbed the autocannon from Lyonells limp form. 'Where are the buggers at," he asked as he hefted the cannon up. "Behind that fountain, covered really well. Well have to wait em out." Moments latter two rolled out of the sides and the last over the top, showering them with las rounds. Ryas loosed a lasbolt that blew a scorched hole in the middle figures robe, sending him thrashing into the pool of the fountain. Pyrek swept the cannon across the fountain, peppering the other two with bullets. The left one took a shell to the throat, and the right one was hit in the shoulder and rolled back, wimpering. The fountain was now red with blood from the figure Ryas had dropped. A sudden explosion on the temple steps sent the two Ayrians flying back into the corridor of the temple. Smoke and rock shards filled the air. Ryas scrambled to his feet and back to his cover. He made out three purple apcs, with the same flame motif as the figures robes, rolling into the plaza from the eastern road. They screached to a halt, turrets turning towards the temple, heavy bolters cackling to life, showering the front of the temple with solid bolts. Pyrek joined Aras, hefting the cannon up to aim against the lead chimera.
The rear hatches of the tranports slammed open, purple robed figures streaming out into the plaza. Las rounds made scortched divvits in the stone front of the ancient temple. The autocannon raked the first chimera, punturing the lower section. Promethium began to spurt out onto the ground, pouring under the feet of some of the figures, a large pool under the chimera. Ryas sent a las-bolt into the puddle, igniting it. A deafining blast and a fireball engulfed
twelve of the purple robed assailants, throwing there scorched corpes acrost the plaza. The chimera rolled into the side of one of the other transports, settling against its right side. As the two collided the wounded tanks fuel bay detonated, shredding the hull and destroying the turret and right side track of the other.
A las round caught Ryas in the hip, sending him to the ground screaming. Pyrek raked across the figures scrambling through the billowing black smoke. Several died in the withering hail of bullets, corpses flopping to the fuel scorched street. A shotgun barked and Pyreks head exploded as the pellets found their mark. His headless corpse tumbled over the barricade, taking the cannon with it. Ryas grimmaced as he heard bayonets being snapping onto thier lugs, preparing for a head on assault of the temple. "The Emperor expects," murmered Ryas as he struggled up, sending a shower of las-rounds into the massed figures. Two buckled from multiple wounds, blood spurting onto the nearby figures. One answered with a shot that severed Ryas's left hand, rendering him useless. Dropping back behind the barricade he wrenched his combat knife out of its scabbard. Just as he prepared for the oncoming wave of bayonets he heard the unmistable bark of a longlas hotshot, followed by a fullisade of more hotshots. Leaning out he was able to see nine of the purple robed heretics fall to the earth headless. Another salvo streaked out of the western rooftops, slaughtering seven more. Less than a dozen remain, turning to flee back into the remaining chimera. Four dropped in a third salvo, and one hotshot blew through the drivers viewlense, rendering the machine inoperable. A last round of longlas fire issued leaving only one purple robed figure paniked next to the armored transport. He turned to run but fell dead as Ryas hurled his knife, burying the blade into the back of his neck. "Nice of you to show up Lt.," Ryas moaned into his micro-bead as he collapsed of blood loss. His eyes glassed over and the world went black.....
stay tuned for part II
well ive noticed a few people have read this but no one has replied. It would be nice to know if you guys liked it or not, what to do differnt etc, etc. I would love to know if Im wasting my time writing these, cause if I suck whats the point right.
People tend not to actually comment on pieces of writing.
Anyways, I can't read that, learn to use paragraphs.
Wraithbone is stronger than adamantium. Prove me wrong.
Agreed, you really need to break this up.. I'd run a spellcheck as well.
Otherwise, it looks pretty good. I do really like your dialogue, it feels quite believable. But.. maybe find some way to explain a little about your army/general/main characters during the story. As it stands, we readers have very little idea about who these guys are, and adding a little bit of info (subtley, don't go on all out lectures or speeches) would probably help us to connect with the story more.
At the bit where the cultists (are they cultists? You might want to explain that one a bit too) are in cover, you basically have the guy repeat what you've just written out of dialogue. It would sound better if you changed it slightly so it wasn't a direct repetition.
If I had a point about the story itself, I guess I'd say it seems a bit too heroic for IG. This can be got around by explaining them as some kind of elite or special forces regiment or something, but as it stands these guys kick ass and take names and don't really seem to suffer a lot of attrition doing it. Not very IG in tone (not in a bad way, it would just make more sense if you explained it.)
yeah sorry bout the spell check i dont have ms word, just wordpad. Part II tells more about the Ayrian 4rth and the enemy(Servents of the Changing Flame). The Aryians are cityfight specialists, and Part II will show thier dumb luck run out should be done later today