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A dozen of the purple robed figures darted across the alley behind the great temple, jumping from cover to cover. A flame motif decorated the lower hem of the puple silk, seeming to lick like a real flame as the ran. "Sarge, we have contact in the rear alley," wispher Syvek into his microbead. "Copy that, Im sending Syrys and Cyrk over to assist, Ryas has contact out front." Syvek turned to face flame Trooper Darryk, a smirk curling the corner of his pale mouth upwards. "You remember the orders dont you Tye, " he said as he slammed a fresh cell into his lasrifle. "They dont look like guard to me," Darryk relpied with a quick grin. He drew deeply on the lho-stick in the corner of his mouth, thin trails of smoke issuing from his nostrils as he swung out into the doorway, pilot light burning bright blue on the end of the flamer.
"For the emperor," he screamed as he sent a stream of flaming promethium down the alley. Crate burst into flames and a barrel of something on the left side apparently had something flammable in it. It ruptured, sending shrapnel across the alley. One sliver of steel found its way into Darryks left bicep, but he didnt even notice. Continuing the flame torrent he step clear of the door and behind a crate. Syvek came through the door sending a burst of gleaming las-rounds through the night air. One caught one of the figures in the left arm and spun him. Falling the robed man fired his old autogun at Syvek, one round hits near his head. "Youll have to do better than that you Servents of the Scum Flame." A hustling sound from within the temple signalled Syrys and Cyrks arrival.They emerged from the doorway, simultanious saying, "What'd we miss." Syrys hefted his lascarbine up and smirked, "Good theres some left for us. Two of the Servents tried to dart back across the alley but where caught with the gout of flame Darryk was throwing down the alley. Their silk robed became wreather in real flame, as they crumbled to the ground screaming. The inferno raged within the alley, making it hard to breath. The four Ayrians fired their weapons through the inferno, at the panicked figures in unision. They gave testament to the well oiled machine that is the Ayrian 4rth Infantry. Hive people raised into a regiment, specialized in urban warfare, the 4rth was at home within this temple complex.
On the other side of the inferno the "scum" readied for a last stand. The Aryians didnt know much about them except they are soldiers in the employ of High Sorcerer Dercius. They called themselves the "Servants of the Changing Flame," followers of an evil god of the warp. As the figures dashed up and towards the inferno, three of them fell from the hail of automatic las-fire coming from the Ayrians. The leader of the servants, a foul looking creature carrying a trench pattern shotgun fired a load through the flames. The pellets impacted Darryks promethium tanks, starting a catastrophic chain. The liquid-gel spewed out and over the others around him, and drenched his fatigues. Darryk tried to turn to see what was running down his back, and as he saw the promethium puddling on the groun beneath him he grimmaced, "ohhh ssshhhhh...." the pilot of the flamer swept by the ground and ignited the puddle, and engulfed the troopers position. They screamed as the burned to death, charred corpses dropping into the base of the torrents. The flames licked at the other tank and it exploded, the concussion knocking the advancing servants to the cobbled street.
"What was that," Sergeant Fyrdrke questioned as he heard the explosion. "Darryk, come in... Darryk do you read me. Syvek what your situation. Syvek. Syrys, do you copy......Cyrk...." he trailed off as he saw purple robes round the corner of the next building.
stay tuned for more of the Ayrian 4rths encounter
so what do you guys think, is it any better than part I
If you're going to post relatively short chapters, I'd keep it in the same post. It makes it easier to follow.. Also, people will be far more inclined to read stuff if you space out your your paragraphs. Like this..
It's pretty good though. Good pace and it's nice and clear even with a lot of action. I also like your attention to detail, it keeps things believable.
Your exposition is better, but it's a bit forced.. Rather than simply explaining that they come from a hive world, you could say something like, for example:
'The thick streets and tight alleyways reminded <trooper name> of his childhood in the dark underbelly of <hive name>. Like all Ayrians, he was used to fighting and surviving in such places.. those who weren't fell victim to rival gangs, slavery or starvation. Despite the familiar scenery though, <trooper name> knew this was different. This was real war.'
It just sounds more dramatic when you express it through one of the characters, and it gets the point across without sounding too much like you're giving a lecture.
Nice though, as I said.. Look forward to more.
Last edited by The_Giant_Mantis; June 15th, 2009 at 02:21.