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Hey whats up guys. I just made a new chapter and decided to write fluff for them. Now im a n00b at writing fluff, let alone stories and even though ive read everything i can to make a good space marine fluff, im still having trouble at it. So i would appreciate any help and/or corrections in my fluff regarding conflicting things or anything i need tell more about. Your feed back is gratefully appreciated Well heres what i got so far. Introducing......Background:The Phantasmas
The Phantasmas(which translates to ghosts in Spanish) is a Space Marine Chapter whose colors consist of Purple and Grey. Their symbols are an Orange Ghost( which bares a striking resemblance to the orange Pac-Man ghost) and a white rose. They have refuged on the planet Sliex, which is three times the size of earth and has 2 moons: Stilo and Recino. The gravity and atmosphere is the basically the same as earth. 2 notable objects of Sliex which are the white roses and a transparent green crystal called Salvent which is highly valued by the Space Marines for their replenishing properties. Sliex is VERY hard to find and for one to find it may take almost a lifetime. There are 5 colonies of humans which takes up only 1/16 of Sliex's land. There is also a colony of Tau who occasionally trade Salvent with the Space Marines, though this has lead to several deadly conflicts between them at one point or another....
The fluff behind the white roses, is that on Sliex, their is an abundant amount of them on the planet. Though these are no ordinary roses. These roses have a chemical in their scent and is transferred through the sense of smell. The chemical affects the geneseeds of The Phantasmas and in result, has made them way more accurate in shooting, gives them a deeper instinct and is given a sort of a rage when fighting for a prolong amount of time. But this isn't without its downsides. When fighting for a good while, The Phantasmas will eventually experience hallucinogenic visions and everyone of their enemies will turn into an orange ghost(which again, resembles the orange pac-man ghost.) and also gives them a rage which turns them somewhat reckless.(This was dubbed "The Rage" by Chapter Master Skeam Sliex.) After experiencing this, they will have to get a good deep sleep before returning to service. This however can be countered with a green liquid made by melting Salvent and injecting it into a space marine. This will keep them awake and able to fight for 3 more hours before eventually needing deep sleep. Prolong use of this liquid will eventually wither its effectiveness and will require a higher dose. Too much of it though may cause an overdose and lead to death of a space marine...
The Phantasmas have very few rhinos and transports due to their inability to call for support from other marine chapters. They rely heavily in foot slogging to get where they are needed and for battle. The Assault Marines are depended on to slow down the enemy while the other marines advance to battle. They would rather shoot down enemies than get into close combat and is more deadly when shooting than fighting in close combat. (More Fluff to Come)
Important Characters( There are currently 2. More to come.)
-Chapter Master Skeam Sliex.
Skeam Sliex is an honorable soldier who refuged on a planet (which he named Sliex) after almost having his chapter completely wipeout by the Dark Eldar. He recruited more men into his chapter and slowly began building up his chapter once more. He occasionally visits the human colonies and gives a helping hand whenever he may. He suffers the effect of "The Rage" more than any other soldier and is needed a very high dose of Salvent to succumb it. He prefers to take this than sleeping, as he feels sleeping will let put a bad example towards his men.
-Captain Gens Inksa
Gens Inksa is Skeam's best friend and trained with him when they were barely marine scouts. He is often seen fighting along side him in the battlefield and is considered to be one of the best soldiers in the chapter. He is very daring in combat and has many bionics due to his many battle wounds when attempting dangerous acts.
I'll give you my honest opinion as a super amatuer fluff writter my self!
Could you give a brief overview and then below that have an indepth description or explanation..... I hate reading walls of text and i just want to get to the core of it!
As for your battle tactics.... for me(maybe because i'm a little illiterate) that was sorta hard to make out. If you use assault marines just for the pure surpression why not have whirlwinds! Or mortars or missile launchers! Or scouts behind enemy lines surpressing them with fire!
Read the special characters sticky to help make notable characters! Like give them specific roles like: Great warrior, great strategist, resoursefulness....also don't give them multi roles because you could easily divide them into many characters!
Ok thanks for the advice l. I'll be rewriting it to be more easily readable and have more depth on certain things. As for not having whirlwinds, the reason behind this is that they are limited with vehicles and have only rhinos and droppods available. But I after much that, I'll will have them have a whirlwind to help them in their advance
Hey man if you truly have passion for your fluff chapter then you would have written pages of stuff by now! How?
Unique unit types(easy 2 paragraphs)
Other battle tactics(not every situation could be saved with surpress and advance)
Seperate home planet from background
What makes your chapter unique and not just another ultra marines wanna be!
My imperial guard chapter is 2 pages long so far! And that was idea spawned in less then 3 minutes!
Space Marines sharing a homeworld with Tau...they would never live it down at the Christmas Parties.
"God is dead" Nietzsche- 1886
"Nietzsche is dead" God- 1900
Why are there scams? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q71FLDIMBc8
this is somewhat indicative of newbie writing; it conflicts with the big, glaring GW canon. There isn't a lot of it, but the "Angels of Death" thing (aka adeptus astartes aka space marines) are supposed to be more or less fearless, for example.
Anything less than success or death doesn't really stop them.
The Space Marines hate non-humans in much the same way that McCarthy hated the communists (which has an admirable double-meaning because of the particular xenos in question...).
just a few examples, but you get the point.
read up on some of the canon. Even reading about the Horus Heresy, the founding Legions, and the overall W40k codex (grimdark, etc) will give you a rough idea of how the galaxy has divided itself.
people will still harangue you about details, but if you get most of the basics a lot of people will downplay the mistake
it worked for me.
Terminator armor going critical would be like Three Mile Island only very, VERY angry, and carrying a hammer.
LO rules in a nutshell: Don't post unit costs, be polite, rep posts containing of win.