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Hey guys i didnt know if i should post this here in the fluff section seeings as its about Fluff or the space marice section because its about Space Marine fluff. . . But yeah re-direct me as you see fit ^^
Now onto the Fluff, this is kind of like a building stone in my chapters history that will lead on into another blood the chapter will receive later on and i just want to know what you guys think about it, and what i can do to improve it or if i should just scrap the idea completey. . .
well yeah here i go with it
During the war for Darloth V against a number of the fallen brothers of the Adeptus Astarte’s there full chapter was involved as well as two chapters of there loyal marine brethren. There 4th company with the 3rd and 6th companies of the Travelling Sons chapter accompanied by a small team of Inquisitors from the Ordo Hereticus were part of strike force with the goal of breaching there Traitorous brothers strong hold while the rest of the chapter’s created a diversion on a massive scale giving a window of opportunity for the Inquisitors and there retinue. Once they had gotten into the fort they found nothing there, but an ambush. There Brothers who they had thought with for months had turned on them blocking our brothers of the 4th chapter and the members of the Ordo Hereticus from leaving as they turned on not only our ground forces but the skies of the planet filled with giant flashes of light as the Travelling Sons Chapter had almost completely turned on the emperor and sided with chaos, the still loyal members were butchered on there ship by the traitorous heavens we had once called brothers. The battle on the skies was over quickly, although the Sons had the element of surprise the two still loyal chapters quickly destroyed there ships. The rest of the ground forces were also dealt with rather quickly, all but the 3rd and 6th companies that had trapped our brothers inside the hellish structure. The members of the 4th company and the Inquisitors thought there way out of the trap sacrificing there lives to radio in for a Thunder Hawk drop ship and defending the drop site until the team of Inquisitors were safely aboard and on there way. The sacrifice our brothers made for these men is in fact what will save us in the years to come. After the rest of the ground forces had finished there skirmishes the other companies were sent to the place our brothers of the 4th company fell. On there arrival they had found the Travelling Sons chapter and Deamonettes of Slanesh torturing our brothers unlucky enough to die, the screams are still now heard by those who witnessed this. After our 7 other companies butchered the remaining traitors. Many of our surviving brothers were shattered and broken and would not live long, this is where our dread naughts were found.
Well yeah thats it for now, let me know what you think
First of all, this is in the right place. The "Space Marine" forum is for talking about army builds, army-specific strategies, and the like. Stories get unilaterally funneled here.
I had some trouble reading the story, as there wasn't enough or properly used punctuation marks, the tenses and subjects meandered, and you even wrote in 1st person plural at one point.
However, what I did glean from your story is intriguing; your Chapter is of Space Marines with a reasonably large fraction who fell to Chaos in the presence of Daemon Hunters and an Inquisitor yet the chapter wasn't excommunicated or destroyed.
That in itself is an interesting way to start, but if you don't elaborate on why and how this happened, the Inquisition being *mildly* anal-retentive about Heretics, especially Chaos Space Marines, then the story won't fit with the established 40k canon. It would be very much like explaining to an evangelical Christian how being polytheistic, except instead of being ranted at you get shot at and stabbed at (Falling to Chaos in front of an Inquisitor, not showing this to someone...although with some of the more knee-jerk 40k players you might get the first of those two reactions.).
By all means, though, expand on this! Whatever criticism people throw at you, unless we explain that there is NO way that the story could work, try and incorporate said criticisms and use those to make your story more cohesive and acceptable.
Last edited by rafis117; November 18th, 2009 at 12:33.
Terminator armor going critical would be like Three Mile Island only very, VERY angry, and carrying a hammer.
LO rules in a nutshell: Don't post unit costs, be polite, rep posts containing of win.