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  1. #1
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    my attempt at eldar fluff

    i have attempted to write a piece of eldar fluff for my army so here it is. constructive critisism welcome. also sorry if this is in the wrong area.

    The Call to Battle
    Ethil-andiril strolled through the Crystal Dome of Seers; she looked upon the past Farseers who had led before her and whose infinite wisdom would guide her when called to battle. It was a beautiful thing she thought; to serve your people then become part of the Wraith-bone Forest and one with the Infinity Circuit.


    She was taught from childhood what the Infinity Circuit was. It contained all the minds and souls of those who had died in battle or on the Craftworld itself, and within it contained all of the memories, all of the wisdom and all of the strength of those who had passed. But it was not always like this. There once was a time, long ago when you passed on, into the warp only to be reincarnated back amongst your people. This time was before aspect shrines and the paths; this was the time before The Fall.


    Before the fall they lived in peace, they had the knowledge of the ages and could move the stars with mere thought alone. But with power comes consequences; each Eldar is capable of experiencing feelings in a greater magnitude than that humans can even begin to imagine. With joy or pleasure comes a great feeling of ecstasy and overwhelms the whole mind. But with greater joy comes greater anger, greater bloodlust and greater aptitude for violence. Their ancestors from before the fall had no control, no discipline; and this brought about their undoing, and its name was Slannesh.


    The Eldar learned to restrict their emotions for their sake and that of their brothers. They were a dying race. Much of the knowledge from before The Fall was lost and their race secede to rule, they secede to control and they nearly secede to exist.


    Ethil-andiril was a Farseer; she could look into the strands of the Craftworld’s possible futures. Among them were death, destruction and amidst the gloom of oblivion and decay, there was salvation. All seers saw it, some seeing farther than others but all focusing on salvation.
    As she strode through the halls of the warriors, the sound echoed hollowly into the distance from each and every step throughout the Wraith-bone hall. Her robes followed along the ground, sliding on the perfectly white floor; the entire Craftworld was without a speck of dust or dirt.


    Ethil-andiril was on her was to see the Autarch, Loranfel. She planned to show him the possible futures of the world Ock-Aovla and how it would affect the Zahr-Tann Craftworld, their Craftworld.
    As she strode into his quarters she caught the faint sound of aspect warriors training not but a few hundred rooms down. The Craftworld echoed every sound. Every footstep and every breath could be heard. She approached the Autarch who was sitting, cross-legged, head down on the floor. Ethil believed him to be contemplating the matter to be discussed. He raised his head.


    “Rise, Loranfel” Ethil-andiril commanded in a soft tone.


    “Ethil-andiril I am in great anticipation of what we must discuss”. Loranfel admitted with an ecstatic burst.


    “There is much to discuss my brother”. Ethil opened her cloak to reveal a set of Runes on her belt. “These are the IrostersusInsoliquitis, the future stones. These show every possible future for our people, and I have seen the fate of a world.”


    “Does this world hold any value to us?” Loranfel questioned but he already knew the answer. Ethil-andiril was very wise, although not as old as some of the other Farseers she appeared to be very skilled in navigating and locating important future strands, it is a wonder she had left the black library after her first visit.


    Ethil-andiril would lock herself away to contemplate many of the possible strands of their future. She was often of two minds, half, deep in the warp and half, searching the strands for meaning, for peace.


    “There are remnants of our history there, remnants that will be destroyed and that will disappear into the warp forever if we do not prevent its apocalypse.” Ethil-andiril calmly stated. “We must defend that which is ours and prevent that part of ourselves to be destroyed. For in that part we may find salvation”.


    “As you wish Ethil-andiril, I shall lead our Warhost there to defend what needs be defended and destroy he whom seeks destruction.” Loranfel answered as he rose to leave his quarters.
    They would go to Ock-Aovla. They would go for war, for survival.


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  3. #2
    Sir Proofreader Deadstar_MRC's Avatar
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    Firstly, welcome to LO! Good to see new members contributing to the fluff forums!

    Now, on to your writing.

    I really like the beginning. The first few paragraphs are really strong, so you've made an excellent start. But you seem to lose momentum as you progress further into the story. You're still using some interesting imagery, but the story doesn't seem to flow all that well. The paragraphs begin to seem disjointed and unconnected. I'll see if I can explain what I mean.

    Ethil-andiril was a Farseer; she could look into the strands of the Craftworld’s possible futures. Among them were death, destruction and amidst the gloom of oblivion and decay, there was salvation. All seers saw it, some seeing farther than others but all focusing on salvation.

    As she strode through the halls of the warriors, the sound echoed hollowly into the distance from each and every step throughout the Wraith-bone hall. Her robes followed along the ground, sliding on the perfectly white floor; the entire Craftworld was without a speck of dust or dirt.

    Ethil-andiril was on her was to see the Autarch, Loranfel. She planned to show him the possible futures of the world Ock-Aovla and how it would affect the Zahr-Tann Craftworld, their Craftworld.

    As she strode into his quarters she caught the faint sound of aspect warriors training not but a few hundred rooms down. The Craftworld echoed every sound. Every footstep and every breath could be heard. She approached the Autarch who was sitting, cross-legged, head down on the floor. Ethil believed him to be contemplating the matter to be discussed. He raised his head.
    See, this particular bit - you talk about who Ethil-andiril is, then go on to her walking through the corridors. Then you mention what she's off to do, and then you have her walking through the corridors again. If you could group the paragraphs together a little better, perhaps something like this...

    Ethil-andiril was a Farseer; she could look into the strands of the Craftworld’s possible futures. Among them were death, destruction and amidst the gloom of oblivion and decay, there was salvation. All seers saw it, some seeing farther than others but all focusing on salvation. And it was this hope of salvation that set her in motion this day; She had seen the possible futures of the world Ock-Aovla and how it would affect the Zahr-Tann Craftworld, their Craftworld. It was something she needed to share with their Autarch, Loranfel.

    As she strode through the halls of the warriors, the sound echoed hollowly into the distance from each and every step throughout the Wraith-bone hall. Her robes followed along the ground, sliding on the perfectly white floor; the entire Craftworld was without a speck of dust or dirt. As she approached the Autarch's quarters she caught the faint sound of aspect warriors training not but a few hundred rooms down. The Craftworld echoed every sound. Every footstep and every breath could be heard. She approached the Autarch who was sitting, cross-legged, head down on the floor. Ethil believed him to be contemplating the matter to be discussed, and waited until he raised his head.
    ...then I think you may vastly improve what you've written.

    Hope it helps!
    Rabbit; Our Tau community has the talent of figuring out how to turn a feather into a timebomb. Macgyver would be jealous.
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  4. #3
    Son of LO The_Giant_Mantis's Avatar
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    I like this a lot.. the description and dialogue flows wonderfully without ever becomming overbearing.

    You reference the black library, which seems a bit strange. The black library is concerned specifically with chaos, and I don't know if non-harlequins really make a habit of visiting that often. Harlequins strike me as a pretty secretive cult who don't just let any old person rummage around their incredibly precious body of forbidden knowledge.

    Also, you occasionally add thoughts which don't seem to advance the scene, things like 'She planned to show him the possible futures of the world Ock-Aovla and how it would affect the Zahr-Tann Craftworld, their Craftworld' and 'Ethil believed him to be contemplating the matter to be discussed'. Since your dialogue kind of explains all this anyway, why give away the characters' intentions straight away?

    Generally though, great stuff..

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    Quote Originally Posted by The_Giant_Mantis View Post
    I like this a lot.. the description and dialogue flows wonderfully without ever becomming overbearing.

    You reference the black library, which seems a bit strange. The black library is concerned specifically with chaos, and I don't know if non-harlequins really make a habit of visiting that often. Harlequins strike me as a pretty secretive cult who don't just let any old person rummage around their incredibly precious body of forbidden knowledge.

    Also, you occasionally add thoughts which don't seem to advance the scene, things like 'She planned to show him the possible futures of the world Ock-Aovla and how it would affect the Zahr-Tann Craftworld, their Craftworld' and 'Ethil believed him to be contemplating the matter to be discussed'. Since your dialogue kind of explains all this anyway, why give away the characters' intentions straight away?

    Generally though, great stuff..
    thanks for the feedback, i am kinda still new to writing fluff and don't really know much about the black libray. on the whole i am glad for the feedback and shall take it into account

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    revised fluff

    i have taken both of your comments into account and have altered my fluff story. i shall write more after posting this.

    The Call to Battle
    Ethil-andiril strolled through the Crystal Dome of Seers; she looked upon the past Farseers who had led before her and whose infinite wisdom would guide her when called to battle. It was a beautiful thing she thought; to serve your people then become part of the Wraith-bone Forest and one with the Infinity Circuit.


    She was taught from childhood what the Infinity Circuit was. It contained all the minds and souls of those who had died in battle or on the Craftworld itself, and within it contained all of the memories, all of the wisdom and all of the strength of those who had passed. But it was not always like this. There once was a time, long ago when you passed on, into the warp only to be reincarnated back amongst your people. This time was before aspect shrines and the paths; this was the time before The Fall.


    Before the fall they lived in peace, they had the knowledge of the ages and could move the stars with mere thought alone. But with power comes consequences; each Eldar is capable of experiencing feelings in a greater magnitude than that humans can even begin to imagine. With joy or pleasure comes a great feeling of ecstasy and overwhelms the whole mind. But with greater joy comes greater anger, greater bloodlust and greater aptitude for violence. Their ancestors from before the fall had no control, no discipline; and this brought about their undoing, and its name was Slannesh.


    The Eldar learned to restrict their emotions for their sake and that of their brothers. They were a dying race. Much of the knowledge from before The Fall was lost and their race secede to rule, they secede to control and they nearly secede to exist.


    Ethil-andiril was a Farseer; she could look into the strands of the Craftworld’s possible futures. Among them were death, destruction and amidst the gloom of oblivion and decay, there was salvation. All seers saw it, some seeing farther than others but all focusing on salvation. As she strode through the halls of the warriors, the sound echoed hollowly into the distance from each and every step throughout the Wraith-bone hall. Her robes followed along the ground, sliding on the perfectly white floor; the entire Craftworld was without a speck of dust or dirt.


    Ethil-andiril was on her was to see the Autarch, Loranfel. As she strode into his quarters she caught the faint sound of aspect warriors training not but a few hundred rooms down. The Craftworld echoed every sound. Every footstep and every breath could be heard. She approached the Autarch who was sitting, cross-legged, head down on the floor. Loranfel sat deep in thought on the pristine white floors in his glistening opal robes. He then raised his head.


    “Rise, Loranfel” Ethil-andiril commanded in a soft tone.


    “Ethil-andiril I am in great anticipation of what we must discuss”. Loranfel admitted with an ecstatic burst.


    “There is much to discuss my brother”. Ethil opened her cloak to reveal a set of Runes on her belt. “These are the IrostersusInsoliquitis, the future stones. These show every possible future for our people, and I have seen the fate of a world.”


    “Does this world hold any value to us?” Loranfel questioned even though the answer seemed clear. Ethil-andiril was very wise, although not as old as some of the other Farseers she appeared to be very skilled in navigating and locating important future strands, her skill appeared to be far beyond her years.


    Ethil-andiril would often lock herself away to contemplate many of the possible strands of their future. She was often of two minds, half, deep in the warp and half, searching the strands for meaning, for peace.


    “There are remnants of our history there, remnants that will be destroyed and that will disappear into the warp forever if we do not prevent its apocalypse.” Ethil-andiril calmly stated. “We must defend that which is ours and prevent that part of ourselves to be destroyed. For in that part we may find salvation”.


    “As you wish Ethil-andiril, I shall lead our Warhost there to defend what needs be defended and destroy he whom seeks destruction.” Loranfel answered as he rose to leave his quarters.


    They would go to Ock-Aovla. They would go for war, for survival.

    and do you guys really reckon the language is good. if so thanks cos i new to fluff and writing about eldar

  7. #6
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    ive added some more text, feel free to critisize as you have.

    The Call to Battle


    Ethil-andiril strolled through the Dome of Crystal Seers; she looked upon the past Farseers who had led before her and whose infinite wisdom would guide her when called to battle. It was a beautiful thing she thought; to serve your people then become part of the Wraith-bone Forest and one with the Infinity Circuit.

    She was taught from childhood what the Infinity Circuit was. It contained all the minds and souls of those who had died in battle or on the Craftworld itself, and within it contained all of the memories, all of the wisdom and all of the strength of those who had passed. But it was not always like this. There once was a time, long ago when you passed on, into the warp only to be reincarnated back amongst your people. This time was before aspect shrines and the paths; this was the time before The Fall.
    Before the fall they lived in peace, they had the knowledge of the ages and could move the stars with mere thought alone. But with power comes consequences; each Eldar is capable of experiencing feelings in a greater magnitude than that humans can even begin to imagine. With joy or pleasure comes a great feeling of ecstasy and overwhelms the whole mind. But with greater joy comes greater anger, greater bloodlust and greater aptitude for violence. Their ancestors from before the fall had no control, no discipline; and this brought about their undoing, and its name was Slannesh.

    The Eldar learned to restrict their emotions for their sake and that of their brothers. They were a dying race. Much of the knowledge from before The Fall was lost and their race secede to rule, they secede to control and they nearly secede to exist.

    Ethil-andiril was a Farseer; she could look into the strands of the Craftworld’s possible futures. Among them were death, destruction and amidst the gloom of oblivion and decay, there was salvation. All seers saw it, some seeing farther than others but all focusing on salvation. As she strode through the halls of the warriors, the sound echoed hollowly into the distance from each and every step throughout the Wraith-bone hall. Her robes followed along the ground, sliding on the perfectly white floor; the entire Craftworld was without a speck of dust or dirt.

    Ethil-andiril was on her was to see the Autarch, Loranfel. As she strode into his quarters she caught the faint sound of aspect warriors training not but a few hundred rooms down. The Craftworld echoed every sound. Every footstep and every breath could be heard. She approached the Autarch who was sitting, cross-legged, head down on the floor. Loranfel sat deep in thought on the pristine white floors in his glistening opal robes. He then raised his head.

    “Rise, Loranfel” Ethil-andiril commanded in a soft tone.

    “Ethil-andiril I am in great anticipation of what we must discuss”. Loranfel admitted with an ecstatic burst.

    “There is much to discuss my brother”. Ethil opened her cloak to reveal a set of Runes on her belt. “These are the Irostersus Insoliquitis, the future stones. These show every possible future for our people, and I have seen the fate of a world.”

    “Does this world hold any value to us?” Loranfel questioned even though the answer seemed clear. Ethil-andiril was very wise, although not as old as some of the other Farseers she appeared to be very skilled in navigating and locating important future strands, her skill appeared to be far beyond her years.
    Ethil-andiril would lock herself away to contemplate many of the possible strands of their future. She was often of two minds, half, deep in the warp and half, searching the strands for meaning, for peace.

    “There are remnants of our history there, remnants that will be destroyed and that will disappear into the warp forever if we do not prevent its apocalypse.” Ethil-andiril calmly stated. “We must defend that which is ours and prevent that part of ourselves to be destroyed. For in that part we may find salvation”.

    “As you wish Ethil-andiril, I shall lead our Warhost there to defend what needs be defended and destroy he whom seeks destruction.” Loranfel answered as he rose to leave his quarters.

    They would go to Ock-Aovla. They would go for war, for survival.

    As the Craftworld grew dark, the Eldar citizens retreated to their homes and the streets lost all life. The black of space gave not sunlight but starlight, and as the stars danced across the sky the Craftworld grew silent.

    The faint thumping of drums sounded throughout the empty abyss of the Craftworld, light arose from the hall of warriors as the Aspect warriors don their armour. The warrior women chanted and activated their armour, one by one they drew runes of blood against their soft skin and adorned their armour with runes similar to that on their skin and their chanting stopped. One by one they donned their masks, faceless and without expression. They had completed the transformation from Eldar women into faceless, merciless killers.

    The seers glided across the floor of the Craftworld, passing lifeless husks of wraith-bone and each placing a glowing tear of Isha into the heart of each construct and with this glorious gift, the constructs rose, to life, to command, to war.

    As dawn approached strange shapes appeared, dashing across the ground with such finesse, such skill. They passed the light and were seen as only a blur of colour. Their faces were not of themselves, but of the laughing god. They each had a sickly twisted grimace upon their face, they danced as if re-enacting the coming battle but bore a certain ominous presence. One stood out from the rest, he appeared solely of bone, yet he was as agile as the rest of his clan. He appeared the only one to carry a monstrosity of a weapon. It was longer than he was tall and had a long curved blade protruding down from the end. They had not come for celebration, but to assist.

    All of the Eldar had gathered, the Aspect warriors clearly stood out from the citizens that they were to fight beside. The Eldar race had nearly been extinguished like a flame in the vacuum of space; there was not enough Aspect warriors to fight for their Craftworld so many of the Eldar citizens took up arms to defend themselves.
    All stood together awaiting the call of battle.

    The Webway gate thundered into motion, a wall of sound came from the device that shook the Craftworld to its core; this was their way to battle.
    The first to jump through the portal were that of the warp spider aspect. Their powerful warp-packs were built into their armour and allowed them to ‘jump’ great distances through use of the warp. They risked not only their lives in the name of salvation, but also their souls.

    Ethil-andiril lifted her blade, the Hagun Zar (witch blade) and every warrior ran through the gate. As the last of the warriors charged through the gate into the abyss of the Webway, the Craftworld’s rose from the ground, seemingly floating in space and zapped through the gate in the blink of an eye.

    Standing alone was Ethil and the 3 warlocks Lorfin-ostirlan, Hirath-irlan and Elo-andril.

    “To battle my brothers and sisters” shouted Ethil at the top of her lungs. “We shall locate the key to our salvation, and destroy all who oppose!”

  8. #7
    Sir Proofreader Deadstar_MRC's Avatar
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    Definitely an improvement! The story flows much better now, so it seems that you've linked your paragraphs much better this time around.

    The only awkward patch for me seems to be the dialogue between Ethil-andiril and Loranfel. Personally I always find dialogue passages difficult to write - for me, I sit and write it, and then go back over it two or three times, reading it to myself and trying to make sure it sounds 'natural.' But that I mean it has to sound like these a real life conversation would. I know it's quite hard to get into the mind-set of an alien race from the far future, but you don't have to go that far! Just making sure it reads like a conversation between two normal people will make sure it doesn't seem out of place when someone else reads it.

    I know I don't need to make this post longer, but this is a kind of funny example. You know Han Solo from Star Wars? The actor, Harrison Ford, added a lot of improvisation to his scripted lines and as a result vastly improved his character. And he did this because he felt George Lucas hadn't written realistic dialogue. So the problem with written dialogue and 'natural' dialogue doesn't just affect novice writers, it seems!

    And yes, I'm not just saying I liked the imagery and language because I wanted to say something positive as well as adding some criticisms - in my opinion, at least, what you'd done was (and still is) really quite a good effort. Don't let it go to your head, though, as there's always room to improve!
    Rabbit; Our Tau community has the talent of figuring out how to turn a feather into a timebomb. Macgyver would be jealous.
    8people; Honey, why is my fluffwars story your shopping list?

  9. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by Deadstar_MRC View Post
    Definitely an improvement! The story flows much better now, so it seems that you've linked your paragraphs much better this time around.

    The only awkward patch for me seems to be the dialogue between Ethil-andiril and Loranfel.

    I know I don't need to make this post longer, but this is a kind of funny example. You know Han Solo from Star Wars? The actor, Harrison Ford, added a lot of improvisation to his scripted lines and as a result vastly improved his character. And he did this because he felt George Lucas hadn't written realistic dialogue. So the problem with written dialogue and 'natural' dialogue doesn't just affect novice writers, it seems!

    And yes, I'm not just saying I liked the imagery and language because I wanted to say something positive as well as adding some criticisms - in my opinion, at least, what you'd done was (and still is) really quite a good effort. Don't let it go to your head, though, as there's always room to improve!
    i know what you mean with the dialogue and i will attempt to mprove it. didnt know tht about han solo

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    hows this for fixed dialogue and no it won't go to my head, in fact i'm my own worst critic.

    “Rise, Loranfel” Ethil-andiril commanded in a soft tone.

    “Ethil-andiril I am in great anticipation of what we must discuss”. Loranfel admitted with an ecstatic burst.

    “There is much to discuss my brother”. Ethil opened her cloak to reveal a set of Runes on her belt. “These are the Irostersus Insoliquitis, the future stones. These show every possible future for our people. I have seen the fate of a world.”

    “Does this world hold any value to us?” Loranfel questioned even though the answer seemed clear. Ethil-andiril was very wise; although not as old as some of the other Farseers; she appeared to be very skilled in navigating and locating important future strands. Her skill appeared to be far beyond her years.
    Ethil-andiril would lock herself away to contemplate many of the possible strands of their future. She was often of two minds, half, deep in the warp and half, searching the strands for meaning, for peace.

    “There are remnants of our history there, remnants that I require.” Ethil-andiril calmly stated. “We must defend that which is ours and prevent the destruction of the knowledge it may bring. The Knowledge of our ancestors, of our heritage, of our salvation.”

    “As you wish Ethil-andiril. I shall lead our Warhost there to defend what needs be defended and destroy he whom seeks destruction.” Loranfel answered as he rose to leave his quarters.

  11. #10
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    thank god for editing or this would have been a double post.
    Last edited by Delta_farq; May 22nd, 2010 at 12:36.

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