Help on my Imperial Guard Short plz - Warhammer 40K Fantasy

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  1. #1
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    Help on my Imperial Guard Short plz

    The short is done, i like it under 3,000 words and Im not looking to increase that size. I feel it flows well, and it is in my opinion entertaining to read. The only thing I have is that I don't know how dialogue would be in the 40k universe. Like what are common terms used by most, like what would they say to one another before going into combat or bla bla bla. Anyway its only 2,800 words, thats 8 pages long, its a quick read, Id like people to critique it and if you have written before, can you give me some pointers on making my story more warhammer-ish. Thank you in advance.

    Warhammer 40k Short

    “I give up, I hope one of those things crashes down on us.” Jeremy stated. Daniel's retort was the quickest, “At this point...yeah, I hope a shell just blasts right in the middle of us.”
    “Screw you guys, I still have women to conquer.” Aaron said with a chuckle.
    “Don't lie, we all know you seek deep companionship.” Michael said with a slight edge in his voice. The banter was like this ever since they had arrived along the trenches. They were part of the imperial guard regiment that made the mistake of having the five of them be in the same regiment, the same platoon, and the same squad.
    “When do you think progress will actually be made?” Phillip inquired. “We have been sitting here for a week now playing volley ball with artillery rounds.” Phillip made a solid point. The two sides were naturally separated by a wide shallow river that would bog down any advancing troops. So for the past week, both sides dug in and tried to shell the other into submission.
    “Don't know, don't care, I'm perfectly content in sitting in my shaded bunker, eating my crappy pre-packaged food.” Michael rambled. Michael was the connecting factor. They had all known him at various points in all their lives, and when they had all been assigned to the same troop, it was an instant friendship, and a binding resolution to survive. It was uncommon to see them not talking. They were usually always speaking, even when on deep scouting missions where silence was necessary, but somehow they survive.
    “Lets just hope something big comes out from the heretics lines and brings down the angels of death upon them. That way we don't have to do anything but keep our heads down.” Michael yawned to the group as he sankdeeper in his hammick.

    The colonel looked out past the trenches and bunkers that squared off from one another. Orders had arrived from the warmaster, the deadlock had been taking to long, and actions needed to be taken quickly. The weight of the situation was causing the aged colonel much stress. He sipped off of the bitter caffeine as he stared out for anything remotely looking like an opening.
    The river was the dilemma. It was shallow, boats were useless, but a charging army would be cut down as they trudged through the cold waters. The only possible solution was small teams to be injected into the lines by flyers, disrupt the defenses and send in the rest, armored and all. If only it was that easy. Taking a last sip of his caffeine the colonel turned to the tactical display.
    “Captain, do we have the lists of the squads that will be thrown into the lines?” The colonel asked. “Yes sir, but do we want to send them still? The possibility of all squads being killed before the lines can be disrupted is high?” The captain questioned. The forces of Chaos were powerful. and the longer they waited, the stronger they got. Mutations, and heretical psychic powers drove their forces. The situation was very grim indeed.
    “It is the only path we have.” The colonel stated with a slam of his fist on the display. “They will air fortress deploy into the lines. I want them to land as close to the front lines as possible.” He said. Pressing a few keys to display his forces, the colonel said. “They have to be on top of those hertics. I will need them to grab them by the scruff of the neck and hold on. Those gun emplacements will have to be blown up. Grenades, heavy explosives whatever, just tie them up.”
    “Is this the official order sir?” His captain said with a quixotic look. “Yes, It is all that can be done. Thankfully, the (whatever) sector is highly modernized and funded. The orbital drop ships will be used to deploy our men. We will use the superior technology to deliver the hammer of the emperor on their heads.” The colonel said with a holy conviction in his voice.

    The formation of air craft had left the atmosphere and used the worlds orbit to sling shot all the way around behind the enemy to get to there lines. Phillip gazed upward to the back of the aircraft where Michael was standing alone at the front with a very serious face. Leg twitching, it was obvious that he was nervous. Michael had the uncanny ability to survive, so much so, that the officers let him go first all the time. Phillip was towards the back. Holding onto the communication equipment, he was the platoons only connection to help. He liked to joke that he was the most important one in the group.
    “Ok folks, we have 5 minutes until we jump. We didn't fly all around the damn planet for nothing, so lets make this count. Everyone up!” The Lieutenant bellowed over the engines. The platoon was nervous. They had all come from the (whatever) and were all well informed and well educated. The mission was simple, distract the enemy long enough so that way the main force didn't get chewed up.
    “We are so boned,” Jeremy muttered. “I just know it, Im gona land asshole first onto some chaos dudes spiked shoulder pads.” Jeremy said. With nervous laughter Aaron replied, “That's only if your lucky. These are slaneesh's dudes, a spike up the ass might be the best thing from those debauched whack jobs. This got a lot of stifled laughter from the 4 in the back. “Oh god, chaos splooge in the butt!”
    “KNOCK IT OFF!” the lieutenant cut through jeremy's jokes. “I don't want to yell at you idiots for talking one more time do you understand?” He bellowed, to which a resounding yes sir was ushered from the four of them. Michael had chuckled at his friends, but he returned his gaze to the front. He couldnt see the enemy, but he knew when that green light came on, he would have to jump from the air craft into a large number of mutants that wanted him dead. He was nervous. He was always nervous before combat. The thought of dying or pain is always at the forefront of his mind before an engagement, but he would never let his friends down. Backing out was not an option, he fought for them, and they did the same for him.
    Michael was in his own world, just thinking. He could hear his friends talking behind him, and now and then he would take joy in their jokes, but he had to focus, and then the light went green. Launching on his legs like a spring from the back of the craft he rushed out into the thin atmosphere. Plummeting from the craft, the entire platoon was now free falling to the enemies lines. There were craft just like theirs all around, and now a large formation of falling troopers was rapidly descending to the ground. Within minutes, the ground was visible past the clouds. Land masses came into view, quickly followed by the enemy emplacements.
    Michael had counted the seconds and went just a little longer before deploying his chute. With a quick snap he was no longer free falling. He could clearly see the enemy now. There fanged and mawed faces looking up and bellowing warning calls. With speed and precision he pulled his rifle, gifted to him by his family, and took ones head off with a clean shot. He was all alone, falling while shooting at the enemy. Fiery lasers where leaping upwards at him, and then with a flurry he heard the unfolding of hundreds of parachutes followed by the same quick succession of laser fire.
    The forces of slaneesh were caught completely by surprised, but they were reacting quickly. Michael combat landed and released his chute. They had landed a couple hundred yards away from the front. If this was to be a success they were going to have to wrestle with those heavy gun emplacements.
    “Shit!” Michael yelled as a chaos soldier with a claw like appendage swung for him. Coming under his attack, he ducked under and wrapped his arms around his opponents waist. Heaving his opponent in the air, Michael did a supplex and slammed his opponent to the ground. Twisting quickly he brought his rifle to bear and put a couple rounds into the creature. Without time to celebrate or even come to his wits, he had a split second to block another attackers incoming bayonet.
    Michael wasn't the only one struggling, all along the enemy trenches the men of the imperial guard fought hand to hand with those loyal to the forces of chaos. It was a gruesome affair, with men fighting it out in the most brutal fashion.

    The colonel looked out with the rest of the forces left at the lines. They had watched as the paratroopers fell upon the enemy and engage them, but still the guns faced them. The front lines where still in tact. “Why are those troops not moving to the front?” the colonel muttered to his subordinates. “They should at least be glancing backwards as to the commotion!” The colonel breathed through clenched teeth. He was in a spinning tornado of turmoil on the inside. This was going to make or break his advance, and he couldn't stand waiting to see if it would work.

    “For the love of the emperor...get the warp off of me!!!” Jeremy yelled as he clubbed an enemy soldier clinging to his back with his melta gun. His opponent released his grip, and staggered back. Without even thinking, Jeremy wheeled around to face his opponent with the melta slung on his shoulder aimed and ready. A wave of hot air blasted a perfect line through the struggling combatants in the trenches.
    “hell yeah! Think again before you try to rape me, you sick slaneesh whacks!” Jeremy howled.
    “You god damn moron! I can smell my burning hair you retard!” Phillip screamed at Jeremy. “You have a las pistol for a reason don't just go blasting away with the melta!” Jeremy responded over his shoulder with little thought “Oh shut up!” They were joined swiftly by the rest of their group in a tight ball of controlled combat. The lines where filled with death, and the imperial guard were doing a great job against the enhanced slaneesh troopers, but there was no forward movement. The troops stationed there were tenacious and they weren't giving up.
    “The emperor commands that you move forward!” The brigade commissar shouted. “Take the front lines! We must engage the front lines in the emperor's name!” With a loud cry the men that dropped down made a reckless dash, winding their ways recklessly through the trench works. They were no longer defending each other, just sprinting as a wave of bodies. The troops of slaneesh doing their best to halt their advance, picking off many that ran in the trenches, but still they ran.
    The numbers were dwindling, but they charged on. Daniel stepped up on a small mound to take a few shots at the enemy. “Move your ass! You were always one to camp Daniel!” Phillip shouted back.
    “Shut up! I actually kill things, not just hide and call in artillery!” Daniel Retorted
    “Do you not see all this blood, its not mine! Do you know how I got it on me?” Phillip had shouted back.
    “Move idiots!” Aaron cut in after dragging his combat blade out of a traiters face. The friends had pushed there way one after another. The front line forces had now finally turned, but the main gun emplacements stood. They had to engage them. They had to cling to the enemy forces as tightly as possible. But the turned forces had stopped the advancing force cold, and the back up forces were coming up in a pincer move. Fire was leaping up at them from both directions, escape seemed impossible.
    “Somethings gotta happen, if someone could watch my back that would be nice.” Michael stated. “Always.” The group replied. They charged out together, but it was Michael who sprinted. Michael had his moments where he was a blessed by the emperor practically. Either extreme luck, or super skill. It was at these moments where he had earned his nick name “Arch Angel” His aim was true, and all that even looked upon him died by his rifle or the covering fire from his friends. One of the officers stood up to engage him, his demonic sword stabbed at his face to halt the advance. Michael weeved the singing blade, coming back up, blocking the officers wrists with his forearm and rifle to choke the return slash, all the while using his other hand to drive his combat knife deep into officers neck. Without thinking he whipped around to gun down another, then engage another, and another.
    “For the emperor!!” Michael shouted along with his best friends by his side. He didn't fight like a hero because he wanted glory. He did it because it was the best way to keep his friends alive. Like a ripple affect, starting from Michael's incursion to the front lines, the rest of the force had broken through and were fighting with those at the very front.

    The colonel was almost out of the trench, The front lines where in chaos, he could see his flag waving above it, but still the guns stood, aimed defiantly at his troops. “Come on! Blow up already!!” The colonel shouted. “What is taking them! I need those guns down for the love of the emperor!” He was pacing now back and forth, his troops were stuck there until the guns went down. He bent over to hammer a fist into the ground “God damni-” he was cut off by an explosion, followed by another, and another, then the front lines of the enemy were going off like a simple fire cracker. Bodies and guns were being blown up as crews and guns were being damaged. “They did it!” He shouted. FORWARD MEN!!! FORWARD TO VICTORY!!!”

    “Get the big one!! Shoot the big tall bastard Jeremy!!” Phillip screamed.
    “I got it!” A blue beam of super heated air tore through the air as the melta guns blast tore through a giant possessed traitor. Giant shards of its bony spikes flew everywhere, peppering the men scrambling in the trenches. “Someone cover Mike!” Aaron yelled while bashing an enemy with his helmet. Having lost his rifle in the scrambles, Michael was fighting with punches and kicks.
    Hearing quickening footsteps behind him, Daniel spun around with his helgun on full auto, he sprayed crimson death at the charging mutants. As the last of the enemy fell from Daniels barrage of las fire, Michael suddenly slammed into him. Driven off of their feet, they fell to the ground together. The rest wrenched their heads to their friends then to the massive creature that hurled the angel like a doll. Massive mutants with giant appendages stalked up towards them with a sick glow of passion in their eyes.
    “Ima punch him right in the balls,' Michael grunted between gasping breaths. “Right in his god damn dick!”
    Chuckling while he answered “I betcha its one big dick, hell it might just punch you in the face” The group f friends laughed nervously, as they all believed death was finally upon them. “Lets just get this over with.” Aaron said. With a solemn nod, everyone picked themselves up. Before they could even take a step forward, The mutant behemoths exploded under a hail of explosives shells. The group just stood there. All five of them just shocked, they watched as massive Leman Russ's followed by Chimeras reared up onto the trenches, spraying death in all directions. The rest of the brigade following, come up over the lines, and steam rolling over the enemy. There was no escape for the followers of Slaneesh, the wrath of the emperor was upon them, and they would be judged by the sword.

    “Next guy to say they are happy and content with their current situation, gets his testicles rammed in his throat.” Aaron declared to the rest. They were now settling into their new bunker, that was again being shelled by the retreating enemy. “Look at it this way, we don't have to drop out of the sky to take the next emplacement.” Phillip yawned. They had made it out of one more engagement, and they would have many more to come. They didn't walk away with any medals, or any honors from their superiors, they had survived. They just needed each other. They could keep marching into guns all day as long as they were next to each other, because that's true friendship and as always, misery loves company.

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  3. #2
    Thinks he's a big deal rafis117's Avatar
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    Just having skimmed it, I'd suggest toning down the language. Perhaps all of your Warhammer opponents are all adults, but this forum is meant to be PG-13 (or thereabouts). I'm not personally offended, goodness knows I'm probably a worse (if more creative) offender in that regard, but forum policy is forum policy.

    Overall a good piece! It really captures the grimdarkness of the Imperial Guard.

    One piece of advice: the meltagun isn't a Spartan laz0r. It melts one target, not searing through a long line of targets until it hits something indestructible, like a tree. (Another reason that the Melta isn't the laz0r.)
    Terminator armor going critical would be like Three Mile Island only very, VERY angry, and carrying a hammer.
    LO rules in a nutshell: Don't post unit costs, be polite, rep posts containing of win.

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