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  1. #1
    Junior Member Cridkid's Avatar
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    My first Army. Please critique my fluff.

    So this is my first go at "fluff" for my army. I would really appreciate any feedback anyone has on how I could improve or if I make any no-no's.

    Chapter Name: Cleansing Touch
    Homeworld: Árvore
    Chapter Colors: Green and Brown with White Gauntlets and Boots


    Background:

    Cleansing Touch is a Chapter only recently returned to the Emperor's fold, having been severed from the Emperium centuries ago by mysterious Warpstorms. These Warpstorms only disrupted travel coreward back towards the Empire. When the Chapter realised it's isolation they set about establishing themselves on the planet Árvore. They exchanged protection of the planet for recruits. After centuries of defending the planet from Tau skirmishes and the occasional Eldar raid a new threat was discovered.
    The 2nd Company (nicknamed Lucky Dueces) was trying to find a way around the Warpstorm. They were attempting to cross out of the Eastern Fringe hoping to make it to the borders of Ultramar, they started to come across whole star systems that were barren of anything. Life, water, minerals, anything. As they headed toward the center of this solar system they spied a Hive ship above the innermost planet. Having never heard of teh Tyranids they did not realize the danger they were in. The Captain of the Company ordered a closer look. He then took a group of his Sargeants and borded the Hive ship. A battle ensued where the group decided to sacrifice themselves so that the rest of the Company could warn the Chapter of the monsters they had discovered. The Captain and his Sargeants destroyed the Hive ship from inside while the rest of teh Company could only watch from the rearview cameras.
    Once the returned to the Chapter Master was told of what had happened he mustered the whole chapter back to Árvore. He new it owuld only be a matter of time till the monsters that had taken one of his Captains would find Árvore. He was determined not ot let it become a barren rock fed on by these 'Bugs.' Little did he know he was facing a splinter of Hive Fleet Kraken that had broken off into the Eastern Fringe and was blocked by the same Warpstorms that had trapped the Space Marines for centuries.
    After the loss of a Hive Ship the Overmind of the splinter urged every tyranid ship and creature under its control to follow the SM Ship. The only warning the Chapter and citizens of Árvore had was spores raining through the atmosphere and Hive ships filling the sky. After weeks of brutal and horrible battle the Chapter Master knew he could no longer hold the planet. In a desperate gamble the new 2nd Company Captain said what was left of his Lucky Dueces would distract the Tyranids long enough for the rest of teh Chapter and what civilians they could round up to board the Chapters battered Fortress Cruiser and escape the system to hopefully reunite with the Empire.
    The 2nd's sacrifice bought the Chapter the tiniest window to escape. The Fortress Cruiser headed as best it could for Ultramarine space. The Emperor was with them that day as the Warpstorm cleared enough for their navigators to sense the Emperor's Will and be guided to Quintarn. The Ultramarines were surprised when a broken ravaged Chapter Fortress showed up in their space. Marneus Calgar offered the Chapter a small planet in their realm. But the Chapter Master refused. During the escape the whole Chapter had pledged that if they made it through they would not quit till they had repaid the Tyranids a thousand fold what they had taken from them.
    The Chapter took a new name that day, The Emperor's Cleansing Touch, to honor the Emperor that had delivered them and to tell humanity that they had one goal besides serving their Emperor. Cleansing the Tyranids from His Holy space and any other enemies that would try to harm His people.
    From that time on the Chapter wore only the green and browns of Árvore, all powersuits and vehicles were repainted in these colors. Then the whole Chapter in a ceremony never heard of before in the Empire painted their gauntlets and boots white and blessed them in the Emperor's name. So that wherever they went and whatever they touched would be cleansed, by blood, righteous fury, and the Emperor's Will.


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  3. #2
    Senior Member SkyDog's Avatar
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    This is a good start, loss and sacrifice, sworn vengance. Best of all you didn't fall into the trap most marine players (myself included) fall into when writing their fluff by making them the biggest and baddest ever and beating everyone. When writing fluff we all tend to think "how to win" more than we think "how to make the story good."
    Storys about how your chapter is the best ever and how they always win tend to get old fast! I hereby grant you a +1 for giving your chapter a propper ass-kicking.

    A few things that could do with some work.
    When the Chapter realised it's isolation they set about establishing themselves on the planet Árvore.
    Were they origanally from somewhere else and just got stuck here? If so, was the whole chapter on the move and all got stranded here together or was this part of the chapter and they were forced to put down roots and survive on thier own now that they were isolated? If the chapter had roots and a history somewhere else you'll have to do somthing with that, that's to big of a loose end to just leave hanging.
    Little did he know he was facing a splinter of Hive Fleet Kraken that had broken off into the Eastern Fringe and was blocked by the same Warpstorms that had trapped the Space Marines
    Nids don't use warp travel, you'll have to remove that. Also, the bit about them following the spacemarine ship, they wouldn't be able to do that.
    The only warning the Chapter and citizens of Árvore had was spores raining through the atmosphere and Hive ships filling the sky.
    The planet would suffer earthquakes and they would feel the shadow of the warp long before the first spore fell from the sky. If they don't know what the nids are they probably wouldn't understand what this all meant but they would probably take it as a bad omen.
    In a desperate gamble the new 2nd Company Captain said what was left of his Lucky Dueces would distract the Tyranids long enough for the rest of teh Chapter and what civilians they could round up to board the Chapters battered Fortress Cruiser and escape the system
    This is good. It's a classic 'last stand', 'hold the pass', story but it needs a bit fleshing out. One thing, the chapters ships could probably hold a few hundred thousand civies but that would just be a drop in the ocean. They should order a full scale evacuation, the chapters ships won't be the only ships on the planet. That last stand with the 2nd company is good, you could have them assigned to defend one of the planets largest space ports, every moment they can hold back the hordes another ten thousand people can get to safty. Maybe they chose to hold the line to the verry end and give as much time for the civillians to evacuate as possible.
    The Fortress Cruiser headed as best it could for Ultramarine space. The Emperor was with them that day as the Warpstorm cleared enough for their navigators to sense the Emperor's Will and be guided to Quintarn
    Maybe have the chapters ships guide the refugee fleet to safty, many ships were lost on the dangerous journey but by the will of the Emperor, many more survived and millions of lives were saved.
    Marneus Calgar offered the Chapter a small planet in their realm.
    Chapters are sort of teratorial, he wouldn't just hand out planets like that, offering to help them settle on a new world would be another thing. In an empire of a million worlds there are no shortages of potential new homes.
    During the escape the whole Chapter had pledged that if they made it through they would not quit till they had repaid the Tyranids a thousand fold what they had taken from them.
    Perfect. A classic story of vengance and redemption. Work out a few bumps and you fluff is good to go.
    Hope this helped.
    In the 41st millenium there is no such thing as paranoia, the universe realy is out to get you!

  4. #3
    Son of LO Marius the Possessed's Avatar
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    What he said, very good start and most things have been accounted for. The only thing I would add is that it would take at the very least months for the 'Nids to reach the planet, more likely several years; it took them several decades to reach Macragge from Tyran, which was only a few dozen systems east of Ultramar. As you said your Marines crossed several systems before meeting the hive ship, I'd say it would take about the same time, maybe less as it seems the Hive Fleet was moving away from the Chapter planet.

  5. #4
    Senior Member SkyDog's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Marius the Possessed View Post
    it would take at the very least months for the 'Nids to reach the planet, more likely several years; it took them several decades to reach Macragge from Tyran, which was only a few dozen systems east of Ultramar.
    I think I can help with this part.
    The nids can move faster if they have a goal, if somthing was actuley drawing them to the planet then they could move a lot faster.

    They took their time getting to Macragge because they wern't in any hurry and there was nothing on Macragge to draw them in any faster than normal.

    Maybe, when the 2nd company boarded the hive ship some genestealers stowed away without them noticing. Once they got back to the planet the things scattered and began infecting the local humans. With a few genestealer broods broardcasting a psychic beacon, informing the near by splinter fleet of a rich food supply, they would stop moving at random from one system to another and start heading directly for the marines planet.
    They could be there in a few months.
    In the 41st millenium there is no such thing as paranoia, the universe realy is out to get you!

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