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Home World: Elmlor II
Most encountered Foe: Tyranids and Daemons.
Specialty: None of the guardsmen want to be near their main enemies. So they have adapted to fight over range. And they do it well. Making strong use of their veteran squads and transports.
A living account of the Current Force Commander "Rino". * Pronounced Ree-know*
The mud made the ground slippery.. the constant "Squish" were driving the men insane. Ha, me included. Just a one more week then our evac should be coming. Hoorah. I don't know how much longer I could stand being here... I wonder where we will be shipped of to next I hope its somewhere ni.. "Take cover!" Shouted one of the numerous guards, I dropped to the floor, and I saw a flicker of movement, a spore mine by the looks of it flying through the air, it crashed into the chest of a guard a few meters from me. I only saw the utter look of shock on his face, when he threw himself off the wet mountain side we were hiking on. Not a few seconds later an explosion of blood covered a few of us. What a nice guy. Then over the hill we saw it. Hundreds of talons appearing. Surely, this day couldn't get any worse? I heard a few whispers "What do we do...?" I remember smiling to myself as I replied with a loud shout "Shoot them all!".
I was out of ammo about minutes into the fight, I wasn't feeling so good with myself. I could see our force commander squad, I figured id tag along behind them, id be safe there. Boy was I wrong. I remember feeling a rumble beneath me, as a huge Trygon erupted and shred that squad apart. our commander ran back towards me. "Boy what are you doing! Shoot that thing!" he shouted at me "Im out" I replied. I couldn't hear what he said next, as a carnifex ripped its talons into one of our tanks, the sound was unbearable. Like nails on a chalk board. But I imagine it was something beautiful and pure.... But my thoughts were interrupted as the Trygon moved towards us, the commander looked into my eyes and in that moment I knew we were going to die. Its claws killed the commander before me and I remember a great pain then blacking out.
I awoke after the battle. The bugs were pushed back but our commander was dead. Which left us up shit creek without a paddle. In the middle of god knows where with evac coming in a week. my wounds were treated and I looked around at our remaining soldiers. It wasnt a pretty sight. Our tanks were destroyed, our veterans were no more. I remember some of my mates looking at me and shaking their heads. I let out a sigh, and gathered the remaining fit soldiers around. "Okay boys, im taking charge here." I remember hearing a few whispers, at that point I was the most senior and experienced fighter there. So I didnt care what they said about me. "So, whats the plan you all ask? Well. We need to hold here for a week." Again, I heard more whispers and saw shaking of heads. But I wasnt gonna let them put me down. "Okay boys, you four over there, take all the explosives you can get your hands on and shove it into those trygon holes, when they emerge again I want them blown to kingdom come. You two by the wall, put that dam cigar out and organize the remaining heavy weapon squads and get them to high ground, come on guys lets see some action! Ass holes and elbows look alive." But we didnt know we only had two days before they came back.
The gun line of us was a sight to behold. There must of been a few hundred of us left. I didnt have much faith that we would escape alive. But I had to put on a good show for the younger guys. And I remember again, hearing and feeling the ground shake. And I laughed to myself as I heard a sequel and saw an explosion a few hundred meters above us, followed by several more. The gun line let out a cheer, then it all went silent. We were backed against a mountain with only one entry point which they could attack from and I remember seeing that point fill up with gaunts. And then there was silence. The guants and guardsmen were staring eachother down. Then a rumble could be heard. As a lone warrior emerged from the swarm, and took a few steps forward. Its 2 pairs of scything talons covered in blood, and its huge wings made it seem like a powerful beast, without a doubt this was their leader. It looked at the gunline and turned to the gaunts. "Soldier, give me that grenade launcher. Now!" I remember saying. I walked in front of our guard line and pumped a grenade into the launcher, and shot it off at the hive tyrant. it turned around and with a slice of its talon sliced the grenade in half mid flight, it let our a huge roar as the swarm moved foward. I turned back to the gunline and walked to my spot behind the front row. I can still remember that sight, of mass gaunts charging at us. I raised my gun and let out a shout "Kill anything that has more than 4 limbs!" And I shot. And the battle began.
It didn't last long. The guardsmen showed upmost valor. Many gaunts fell. Then they hit the line. I remember seeing lots of things. The death of my men around me, the tyranids letting out screams of joy and then I remember the smell of oil. As behind the entrance came the most beautiful thing I ever saw. White bikers, driving down killing everyone of those god dam monsters. And yes, if your still wandering. They were the white scars, we were saved. I remember seeing my men smiling and laughing, as the morale in them increased, they held off their gunline and pushes them back to the white scares. Then I remember that feeling of dread come over me once more.
it emerged its head held up, standing a good head or three over me. A long warriors looked at me and raised its talons. I rolled my neck and tightened my power fist, we moved in a small circle, "Come on lets dance." I recall saying, then it lunged. Slashing and slashing, I was stumbling back, then I remember throwing a punch, And hearing a snap. That scream will always be in my head. I remember seeing lots of blood, as one of its talons was missing, it snarled and charged at me again, managing to impale a talon into my right leg, sending me to the ground crawling away. It walked up to me and raised its talon, and I remember seeing a flash of white, then its head toppling off its body. I let out a sigh then I remember my men forming a circle around me, holding off the gaunts. then I remember that cheer of victory. Then I passed out.
I awoke and recall being on a ship going home. And that feeling of calm swept over me. When I got back stories of me had been told and I was given the rank of commander.
just a quick thing I typed up, hope you all enjoyed, please comment on how i can improve
I don't know how to begin. It is a great layout you got, the action has flow and there isn't any labouring of points.
However you do need to work on tense, you should always read over anything you have written. Like say when you wrote "the constant "Squish" were driving the men insane".
You should have written something like "The constant "squish" was driving the men insane". It makes sense that way if you are describing a recollection.
Also the story, the Rino guy is a badass we can see but try to tone down on the cliche a little.
Always say numbers in words unless they are bigger than ten. It looks better.
You write words I see as you would say them. Try not too, it gives people the impression that you are stupid but I can tell from your writing that you are not. The actions great and it did sound like a recollection.
Don't add too many things into the story along the way without mention. One minute your character has a gun then complains about being out of ammo, thus unable to fight. Next he has a power fist and goes into combat swinging. Only a minor problem and to be honest I fear I have made a mountain out of a molehill
I couldn't work out the setting of this battle or what your regiments about. I know the commander is badass but what about the troopers? What is their homeworld like? Expand on this further and I can imagine you will create an awesome thing.
Otherwise all this story needs a bit of spit and polish and you can slap your name on it and feel proud. Well done Sir you have wrote a riveting tale Keep it up!
Note: I am one to talk about grammar and tense I know, I know. Short story I am completely mad when I talk. In my spare time I work on my novel. In a phrase "It's shit". But I like writing.
Last edited by Tarsinian1st; January 23rd, 2011 at 22:21. Reason: can't get my metaphors right DURR
The above comments do not reflect the views of the author. They are based on ignorance.
Thanks for the pointers, I will keep them in mind for the next story, really appreciate it.
you could write books for games work shop