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Hey guys. I've been whittling away at this this evening and would like some C&C as it's my first attempt at writing a substantial army fluff piece which ties in with known events. Please feel free to pick up my plot holes loops [spelling and grammar if you really want ]
++++Chapter Name; The Malefactors
++Origins; Third founding successors of the Raven Guard, Second founding of The Revilers
+++++Appearance; Black and White halved armour. Occasional pieces of reclaimed and restored Chaos Space Marine armour.
++++Chapter Symbol; undecided
++Homeworld; undecided ;P
+++Combat doctrine; See but don't be seen
++++Force organisation; Codex Astartes with high proportion of veteran. Two scout companies [one standard, one veteran scout company].
The Malefacors specialise in covert ops much like their 1st founding Raven Guard however they invest heaviliy in their scouting korps.
Using scouts to locate and track enemy movements combined with advanced servaillance and incription breakers allows for large infantry and armour advances with minimal detection.
Prior to the 13th Black Crusade, The Sons of Malice were excommunicated as traitors after their brutal murder and ritualistic consumption of Inquisitor Pietas and a strike force of Adeptus Sororitas Celestians, the third company was despatched led by the chapter master himself in the assault on The Sons home world of Scelus. The Malefactors were the first to make plant fall aproaching from the dark side of Scelus's third moon, Prosum. Unopposed and undetected they swept through the desolate frozen landscape to set up a forward base of opperation for the comming Cadian 331st who would take place in a world spread genocide of the enhabitanting tribes. Perdita. Executed. Purified.
The Malefactors had located The Sons too late however. They had already made for safety into The Eye Of Terror but not so late as to not be followed. Chapter Master <insert name here> saw this as a sign. A sign that they should peruse that such a campaign... no! a pilgrimage would emulate the great Corax. And follow they did into the maw of the beast. "Nevermore", the last word spoken by the great Primarch before descending into the abyss and quietly whispered by <insert name here> as they entered the Eye.
For 13 years they hounded and tracked The Sons knowing that there was no way back, no retreat only death of glory. Ration and resupply was few and far between and many of their hallowed suits of power armor were repaired from pieces reclaimed from the fallen traitor. Their surveillance tracking techniques were useless and not just due to the massive static interference from The Eye. The Sons had appeared to adopt a vow of silence which extended to radio comms. There were none. Not a sound did they utter but the scouts of the 3rd company were not to be eluded so easily. 13 years lost to the Warp. Half a company of Battle Brothers lost to the horrors of The Eye but for every Malefactor lost a dozen traitorous, heretical scum were dispatched.
The Malefactor return to the Cadian sector was a great surprise to them. They followed The Sons of Malice at a distance picking off stragglers silently as, unknowns to them, they used the 13th Black Crusade as cover to regain their home world, Scelus. During the pursuit they began picking up Imperial comms signals. They could barely believe it was true. They were home, the Cadian sector. But from the intercepted and deciphered comms it was clear that the sector was at war. As the Howling Grifons and Night Watch space marines fought on the Imperial front on Scelus, The Malefactors made planet fall behind enemy lines. The half company fought an invisible war, striking fast and hard then retreating into the shadows of the worlds great black mountains before they could be detected. As Abbadon's foces became more heavily engauged The Sons of Malice seized their opportunity and began surgical strikes on both Imperial and Chaos targets in an effort to gain sole control of the planet. 13 years of planning of silent contemplation, they acted as one devastating all they egauged. But The Malefactors were watching and struck whilst The Son's back was turned. The Sons Of Malice suffered massive casualties and retreated back into The Eye of Terror to realtive safety. Official records detail that the exact identity of the Imperial forces that liberated the system are unclear, but most conclude that it was The Sons Of Malice themselves who broke the Chaos assault.
The Malifactor's emphasis on scouts stems from a crusade waged within The Eye Of Terror. Their specialized tracking skills were not only recognised for the 3rd companies return from th eye, but their survival in the most inhospitable enviroment imaginable, staying out of sight even in the vast expanse of space.
Over 13 years The Malefactors collected a small number of relics prized by the forces of chaos. Devastating weapons turned against the foul power that created them and carried only by those deamed pious enough to carry them, The Sanctified. Within one such weapon, The Blade of Kzarack Ma'or, is bound a Daemon used in the ritual indocrination into The Sanctified. The ritual takes place in the deapest bowels of their fortress monistary where the chosen marine is tasked with holding the blade where upon he must resist the daemon. Failure ends in quick absolution. Success is a heavy burden to bear. The Sanctified commandeer all recovered chaos artefacts to be delivered to Titan and the Grey Knights and their destruction. The Malefactor secret is a dark one. For no every artefact of the dark gods if handed to the Grey Knights. When the Malefactor march to war, the Sanctified carry powerful and foul weapons forged of chaos unbeknownst to all others but themselves and the foe they bear down upon.
Althopugh the Emperors light shines in the heart of each of them The Malefactors are held with suspision by other chapters of the Adeptus Astartes and the Inquisition who keep them under surveillance. However, they watch the watchers. Should The Malefactors ever fall from grace, the Inquisition would be none the wiser for The Malefactors only allow to be seen that which they wish to be seen.
Army list; 750pts
Chapter Master [Pedro Kantor]
Sternguard x 6 [CM here]
Las-cannon x 2
The Sanctified x 3 [honor guard]
Relic blade x 2
Scout squad x 5
Sniper rifles x 5
Scout squad x 5
Sniper rifles x 5
First off, reread your work, you have a few spelling errors, as well as some word confusion (plant fall, instead of planet fall, etc).
Otherwise, it all seems pretty good. It's hard to imagine a chapter disappearing for 13 years and coming back out through the Eye during the 13th and not getting blown away. Especially since time is quite different in the Warp- 13 years for the chapter could've been 1,000 years for the universe outside.
Also, I know it seems like something Matt Ward (the scourge) would say, but your marines don't seem heroic enough. They go into the Eye for 13 years, can't track down their foes to kill them properly, drop in behind enemy lines and fight alongside the Howling Griffons and Nightwatch, they still let their foe slip away back into the Eye. The history even says that it was the Sons of Malice who broke the back of the Chaos forces in the area, rather than the Malefactors. Your fluff makes me want to a Sons of Malice army more- they seem really cool, with the vow of silence, the wanton two-front war against friend and foe alike, they seem awesome.
Careful with the Chaos armor and artifacts too- there has only been one chapter recorded which made a sport of grabbing chaos gear- the Relictors - and they were later declared Excommunicate Traitorous.
Otherwise, it all looks good. Figuring out a chapter emblem could be difficult- maybe something having to do with their history, or their actions in the warp?