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I'm thinking of building a new Inquisition army. I'm planning to write some fluff from what I think (hope) is a unique perspective. I don't know anyone else that's wrote fluff with this particular type of character as the protagonist.
This isn't really fluff about my new army per-say. It's more character background. I plan to do some gradual character development showing how she ended up as a [text deleted] in my army, before I write about the army itself.
Also, just for the fun of it. Try and guess what kind of character she is/will develop into. See if you can figure out what kind of unit I'll be playing as her on the table top.
I won't say if you're right or not, that would be spoilers but I think it would be fun to see if anyone gets it.
Also, of course, tell me what you think of my writing, do you think it's any good, are there any bits that need cleaning up, are any parts not explained or described well? ect ect...
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The defencive line had held against the swarm for three weeks, but it couldn't hold much longer. The Tyranid horde had pushed them back to the final line of baracades, once that fell the Guardsmen would be overrun and slaughtered, and everyone knew it. The swarm had advanced on the city from the southlands and the Guard had held the line for three weeks while the civilians were evacuated, but this was as much as they could do. The landing field had been prepared in advance and the drop-ships preped and ready to launch, now the entire line -almost the entire line- was holding their colective breath waiting for the withdraw order to come through.
Ten thousand Guardsmen let out a sigh of releif as the order came over the vox relays. The Commander began issueing the withdrawl orders to his comms officer coordinating the the fall back to the drop ships when a lone Guardsman approached the command squad. The Guardsman, a woman -bareley even that, just a girl realy- , ran up to the Commander, stood at attention and made the sign of the Aquilla, awaiting the Commanders reply.
The Commander returned the salute and began to speak. "Report Guar-" He was cut off by punch to the face, sending him sprawling on his back. The command squad, with a look of shock and confusion, leveled their weapons on the young girl and were about to fire when she spoke. "What the frak do you mean withdraw!? There's still civilians in the city!" The Commander picked himself up off the ground, wiped the blood from his face and looked at the girl with undesguised rage. Inside his head he was debating wether he should just shoot her right here or take her for court-marshal and make an example of her.
He drew his boltpistol and was about to execute her himself when she rounded on his comms officer and began pawing at him. "Hey, what the hell are you do- Hey, get off that, you can't use the co-" The officers objections were cut short as she pulled his head set off and began shouting into the vox bead. "If we retreat the people die! Every 5 minutes we hold another 2000 civilians can be evacuated. We're Guardsmen, we hold the Throne-Dammed line!"
The Commander had turned bright red, such conduct, such disrespect. That a Guardsman, some whitesheild kid at that, dared to, to, to! While the comms officer strugled to pry loose the girls, surprisingly strong, grip and the rest of the command squad looked on in dumbfounded confusion, the Commander rounded his comms operator and slammed the barrel of his pistol into the girls face. "You filthy brat. How dare you-" He was cut off once again as his wrist was slashed. His grip loosened, the pistol fell from his hand, he suddenly felt a horrific pain shoot through his body as he took a knee to the balls. Droping to his knees he found their position reversed as she pressed her laspistol to his forehead and turned back to the comms officer.
"Give me back the vox bead." Was all she said. The entire command squad and every nearby Guardsman that had been watching this exchange froze in shock as they realized their Commander had just been taken hostage. Several of them exchanged looks and gave the comms operator a nodd. Taking the head set, she spoke into the vox bead once more. "There's still millions of people in that city. We retreat, they die! I'm doing the duty the Emperor asks of us, I'm holding the motherfraking line! Cowards die on their knees, heros live forever!"
As her words crossed the battlefield, she turned back to the Commander, and without hesitation, pulled the trigger.
The entire exchange had taken less than a minute, but in that short amount of time the entire situation had changed. The entire line turned to chaos, the Commander had given the order to withdraw but now the orders had stopped, some units that had already started moving now found themselves out of place in the defencive line and unshure where to go. Some units had found their metal and resolved to hold the line while others began to panic and retreat.
The inital plan for the retreat was a staggered withdrawl, units would alternate between falling back and providing cover fire for the other units. An effective stratergy that would have allowed the entire force to move out in relative safety, however, it was a stratergy that required a great deal of coordination and cooperation. With the flow of orders cut off mid command the organized withdrawl had collapsed into mayhem.
Half the Guard held firm, either through resolve or because they realized an un-organized retreat would get them all killed. Half the Guard began to retreat, either attempting to follow the Commanders last standing order or simply fleeing for their lives.
As the line crumbled the Tyranid swarm burst through the baracades wherever the Guardsmen fell back. The hive-mind of the swarm began to redirect units to the weak points in the line. The xeno monsters swarming through the breaches, searching for easy prey, began to follow the retreating lines of Guardsmen. While the Guardsmen that held their position began to feel the pressure lift as more and more Tyranids were directed away from them.
The fleeing Guardsmen ran for the landing field and the waiting drop ships as fast as their legs would carry them, the xeno swarm following behing them. Several of the waiting Valks closed their ramps and scrambled to get airborne and provide cover for the larger transports as Guardsman and Tyranid alike swarmed the landing field. Men, gripped by terror and panicing, pushed and shoved to board the nearest transports. As many transports were boarded by Tyranids as by Guardsmen, their crews slaughtered inside their cabin. Seeing this, many of the transport crews began to panic and closed their ramps, trying to take off before anything could get aboard.
As the first few ships began to take off, before they got more than a hundred feet into the air, they suddenly found themselves rocked by explosions. Destabilised and sent into a spin so close to the ground the piolets had no chance of recovering, and so, the ascending ships crashed back down to earth. Impacting the landing field and the other grounded drop ships tore bulkheads and ruptured fuel tanks, igniting the entire landing field in a hellish fire storm. Flaming debris flying in all directions, shredding everything in range of the explosion and spreading the flames even further.
In the chaos of the withdrawl, the young Guardsman that had execuited the Commander and caused so much mayhem had slipped away. Having made it to a section of the line that was holding its ground she had, somehow, recruited several demomen. Grabing a bag full of demo-charges and instructing them to follow her, they made their way to the landing field with the retreating Guardsmen. Amongst the paniced chaos of the retreat it was a simple matter to go unnoticed as they moved around clamping charges to the undersides of the transports. Having got as far from the landing field as they could before the first ships began to take off, the young Guardsman held up the detonator and uttered a few words. "Let's burn some xenos." With that, the charges clamped onto the ascending ships detonated, bringing them down ontop of xeno and coward alike.
The Guardsmen that held position found themselves having a, relatively, easy time of it. As more and more Tyranids were directed away from the hard points in the line and began to funnel into the breaches, the Guardsmen found themselves on small 'islands of safety'. Rather than turning around and flanking the defenders, the xenos instead focused on chasing down the easier prey, allowing the Guard plenty of time re-position for a rear assault.
As ever increasing numbers of Tyranids funneled into the breaches, they became increasingly bottle necked, easy targets for the Guards gun lines. As the defenders hurredly tried to take advantage of the enemys vunrable position before the bulk of the horde turned its attention back on them and overwhelmed their positions, every single Guardsman ducked for cover and sheilded their eyes as what looked like a miniture sun lit up the evening sky. They looked on in shock and disbelief as what was the landing field erupted into a swirling fire storm swallowing almost half the xeno swarm in its fury.
Waves of burning Tyranids, that hadn't been killed instantly by the inferno, charged screaming into their own lines. As the mindless beasts were prevented escape by their own advancing lines they began to lash out in their pain and fury. As the front of their advance came to a sudden halt the entire Tyranid force was forced to a complete stand still.
On one side the Tyranids found themselves bottle necked and receiving cross-fire from the entrenched Guard positions, on the other side was a raging inferno preventing any passage.
The Guardsmen cheered, raored cries of triumph, chanted litanies of acuricy and sang songs of glory. They were in high spirits as they cut down the stalling, tightly packed, horde of xenos. The enemy force, that less than an hour earlier was about to overrun them, had now been corralled into a tightly packed killing field, had their numbers cut in half, had their line brought to a complete stand still and their only means of escape was through heavy cross-fire.
Atop a small hill to the north, a small group of Guardsmen stood watching the scene before them. Beyond the rising smoke of the burning landing field could be seen the panicking xenos as they were cut down and blasted apart by the Guads gun lines. With every passing second the battle turned into more of a one sided slaughter. In the small group stood a young girl, she stood proud, back strait, feet together, head held high, smiling as she watched the xenos die.
She never thought it would work this well, she thought at best she'd be able to take the xeno filth with them. She didn't think so many would have held the line, she'd never been so glad to be wrong. She knew she'd be execuited for this ofcourse, but that didn't matter, they'd held the line, the city was safe, she didn't know how many millions of people would get to live because of this victory. She pulled out her necklace and held the small figure of her patron saint and uttered a prayer.
"Oh great God-Emperor. I beg foregivness for my sins this day, but know that my duty was done, I held the line."
To be continued-
Last edited by SkyDog; December 11th, 2011 at 13:17.
In the 41st millenium there is no such thing as paranoia, the universe realy is out to get you!
The story itself is fairly unique, the idea that she is willing to sacrifice that many guard lives in order to achieve their objectives seems Inquisition-operative-like, although in order to save civilians? Based on my knowledge of the =][=, civilian life is not as valuable as the lives of the men and women who fight and die in the emperor's name - they're less useful, and there's a line in eisenhorn that really summarises it for me. Something like "Do you hate me for leaving her? If you do, then I commend you, but you could never be an Inquisitor. You lack the moral strength required."I like the way she views it as a victory rather than a withdrawal from the world, very imperial mindset.Also, the writing sometimes feels a tad colloquial, the speech a little exaggerated. That's not to say I don't like it, I like the slant your taking on this, just a couple of ideas for improvement. I'll be keeping an eye on this, I wouldn't mind knowing a bit more.-Corrigan
Last edited by Captain Corrigan; December 11th, 2011 at 08:27.
Oh yeah, for civilians no less. She's young, a kid just enlisted, she still actuley believes most of the propaganda.
My writing style is trying to reflect the character, she's just a grunt, not a Spacemarine or Lord Inquisitor. So I'm trying to give it a more down to earth feel, no pomp, no parade. She swears, she shouts to get her way and she'll kick you in the balls if you hack her off.
That being said, I don't want my characterization to dominate the whole narrative. If you see any parts you think could use editing, please point them out.
Thanks for the feed back.
Last edited by SkyDog; December 11th, 2011 at 13:18.
In the 41st millenium there is no such thing as paranoia, the universe realy is out to get you!
I see. Well, I can understand about the civilians then, although I wonder how long her naivety will last in the service of the =][=...
Perhaps remove the capitalisation, to be honest you don't need it and as a reader capitalised sentences or sections of sentences annoy me a bit. Appropriate verb usage makes much more of a difference than capital letters on the whole.
Perhaps replace "hold the mother-****ing line" with "hold the Throne-damned line!", since the latter alludes to the importance of the emperor in her everyday life, and its a common enough curse in 40k. In fact, all expletives could be swapped out for 40k "equivalents" (you know, like Abnett uses "feth" "gak" etc) or for emperor related screams (i.e. she is so naive and brainwashed that she genuinely believes that by shouting "In the Emperor's name, hold the line!" will actually inspire the men).
As for colloquialisms, there are areas where phrases like "easy time of it" creep in, or where the pedant in me says that there are better ways of expressing a sentiment. Here, I posted up my own inqusitor's fluff in this subforum this morning, perhaps my writing there will convey what I am trying to say better than I'm managing here.
But keep it up, the character looks like she might prove interesting when she has a few more dimensions added to her, and shows particular promise as a candidate for suffering a cruel amount of dramatic conflict and changes of mindset as she is confronted with the reality of the galaxy, torn between loyalty to the ideal of the imperium and the horror of reality.
EDIT: I prefer it this way. +rep, its always good to see someone go to the trouble of writing their own fluff. Any ideas on improving my own? (I noticed that you read it through)
Last edited by Captain Corrigan; December 11th, 2011 at 13:22.