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Those of you that have read my earlier work I thank and this is what I've been working on since. As of right now the story is three pages long and has probily another one to go at least.
So here you go a teaser.
.....Before cooler heads would have prevailed but not today, for Alcander was ready for a fight against his hated enemy. The Emperor urged him forward, but his allies held him back. What were they saying? Killing Chaos is as natural as a predator killing; no he would go to Talarnx IX and cleanse the souls in hope for forgiveness.
Alcander called his council, Librarian Perun and Chaplain Odysseus as well as platoon leaders. He laid out his plans to planet fall by use of drop pods and thunder hawks from there starship Nemesis. The plan would be a quick strike at the star port to allow transports to come with land raiders and further supplies to further the success of the crusade.
Odysseus stayed after the meeting and looked over the plans. â€śWill you not be happy until all of are deadâ€?.
â€śThe Emperor pushes us forward, we are blessed to be picked for such a chance, do not tell me you would question our leaderâ€?, said Alcander.
â€śCareful, I would not think twice to rip your head off and display it on a pike, questioning my faith is not taken lightlyâ€? said Odysseus in a quick burst, â€śWe should not be doing this, we have further work to do in the region over here (pointing to the Tallarn region), this will set us back and we cannot accept this delayâ€¦â€?.
â€śYou... (Turning around and finding Odysseus gone)â€?.
Good so far, but a few points I'd like to see clarified. Perhaps some more forcusing on facial expressions too. A bit of nip 'n' tuck never hurt anyone.Originally posted by 311+Feb 14 2005, 15:47--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(311 @ Feb 14 2005, 15:47)</div><div class='quotemain'>Killing Chaos is as natural as a predator killing; no he would go to Talarnx IX and cleanse the souls in hope for forgiveness.[snapback]329234[/snapback][/b]
The "no" here is strange, it sounds like he's disagreeing with himself rather than Odysseus. Take it out or change it to "No, brothers", "No, Odysseus" (although that is a bit of a bland statement of what's going to happen), and it'll make more sense.
And Marines don't use platoons, they use companies. Perhaps a more detailed account of the actual meeting too; give an account of Alcander giving the briefing and the reasons, as well as the objections the others might raise. It would give a chance for more character building than just Alcander and Odysseus, too.The "careful" jars the quickness of the statement, although just taking it out wouldn't fit entirely right. Maybe "And" instead? And a slight change in tense to "ripping" and "displaying" makes the statement sound more of an immediate threat than an abstract concept. And some exclaimation marks wouldn't go amiss either.Originally posted by 311@Feb 14 2005, 15:47
â€śCareful, I would not think twice to rip your head off and display it on a pike, questioning my faith is not taken lightlyâ€?[snapback]329234[/snapback]This, and the later statement in brackets need to be changed. They don't sit right. Maybe '...here!" He slammed a finger down on a star chart of the Tallarn sector. "Your plan will set us back...' Again, show, don't tell. And why wouldn't Odysseus have brought this up in the main meeting?Originally posted by 311@Feb 14 2005, 15:47
(pointing to the Tallarn region)[snapback]329234[/snapback]
<!--QuoteBegin-311@Feb 14 2005, 15:47
â€śYou... (Turning around and finding Odysseus gone)â€?[snapback]329234[/snapback][/quote]
Where had Alcander turned round? And the same thing as the last, more description less brackets. 'Alcander turned to rebuke his chaplain, but Odysseus had left the chamber.'
Otherwise, this is good. The character of Odysseus being the rational one out of the pair comes through very well.
Thanks for the quick reply, I've made a couple changes. I find that when I write I tend to want to put alot of stuff in brackets and I think your right in those areas.
Odysseus wouldn't bring it up in the main meeting because of not wanting to argue and discredit the chapter master infront of everyone. That way odysseus saves his own skin since arguing against the chapter master in public could be considerd heresy.
But then why have tactical meetings like that? Surely any chapter master isn't fool enough to listen to better counsel when it prevents itself, although perhaps a creeping case of the Red Thirst could counter that to an extent. But I wouldn't call it heresy.
Its not so much a meeting, where they make a battle plan; its the chapter master giving orders. Sure questioning the tactics is allowed but for the purposes of morale and leadership questioning the entire operation is not. What would the company commanders think if someone above them doesn't want to attack? Maybe they don't attack... Just like in real life military, you have to respect the rank.