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Four hundred years before the Horus Heresy, the marine known as Brother Yaziro was recruited into the Word Bearers, he quickly rose through the ranks, and in time attained the rank of Chaplain, for he was a devout worshipper of the Emperor. He was also a courageous warrior, who led armies to conquer whole systems and bring them under the sway of the Imperium.
This was not by mere chance though, for Yaziro had been gifted with the Sight Beyond Sight, which guided him and his brothers to victory after victory. The Word Bearers under his command claimed more for the Imperium than even the great Lorgar, though these worlds were lost in the time following.
When Horus betrayed the Emperor, and Lorgar swore allegiance to the Ruinous Powers, so too did Yaziro, and he gladly fought for his new masters, with more zeal and determintation than he had for his former. And so did Yaziro become a Traitor Marine, chanting his blashphemous prayers and spilling the blood of the Emperor's servants.
When Horus was defeated, and the Chaos Marines retreated to the Eye of Terror, Yaziro accompanied them, and took up residence on Lorgar's world. For the next 4 millenia, he fought the enemies of the Chaos Gods, and he did so gladly. Then, he recieved a vision, and he went into a sleep like trance for 100 years, and in that time, he mutated.
When he awoke, the once mortal marine had becom a horrible, wretched spirit-thing, trapped in unbearable agony in the body of a statue. He knew that this could not be what the Gods had intended for him, for in his visions, he had seen himself reborn as kindred to the Gods themselves, he saw himself as an ascendant to daemonhood.
And then he found his chance, once loyal servants of the Corpse-Emperor, a Commisar and small group of mutated Imperial Guard, with Warpfire blazing around their souls. They had turned their backs on the Imperium, and forsaken all for Chaos, just as Yaziro had done. And so he went to them in visions, and told them what to do, using the Hiveworld of Paladine and all its inhabitants as an offering, they restored the Traitor Marine to his former self, and then upon taking into himself the souls of his mutated followers, he reached the peak of his ambitions, the ultimate gift of the Runious Powers, he became a Daemon Prince.
Yaziro, now called the Planet-Burner, roams the Eye of Terror, and when he ventures out, may his enemis pray for mercy before his might and the might of the Gods of Chaos!
so, what do you people think?
Not bad. Could do with some more body to it. Maybe some more background on Yaziro, some information that makes him unique.
His arch-nemesis could be Zatoichi, blind Chapter Master and lengend with any bladed weapon. (hehe)
Excellent. People do not usually have the attention span to read a long fluff story. This was concise and captivating, information was fluid and gave an overall generalization of how your champion came to be. With your format, you now have the opportunity to give details on how he held the traitor guardsmen under his sway, a solid story on how the planet was razed in his name in order to return him to his former glory, maybe he is held in high esteem by a particular chaos patriarch and what are his special abilities/gifts/arch enemies etc. Great job, looking forward to seeing more from you.
Surely this chaplain would have been mentioned in the official history if this were the case? Capturing more worlds than a primarch is no mean feat.Originally Posted by sonofslaanesh
As well as this, why be made a dĂ¦mon prince over such a short space of time? In the CSM codex it gives a list of things that a particular marine did to gain dĂ¦monhood, and this included the razing of several worlds. While I realise that becoming a dĂ¦mon prince isn't just a matter of ticking boxes, I don't see corrupting one Imperial Guard regiment as worthy of sucha an acolade.
Aside from that, this fluff is well thought out. A few tweaks and more details (what planet was he on? What was/is his particular modus operandi? etc etc.
The fluff has everything I've come to expect from the average fluff story. A central character made out to be greater than life itself, and an amazing feat to make him even greater. Just kidding. :cool: Anyway heres some questions/criticism
-Sorry I disagree with the whole "he and his men were better than Lorgar". He was one of the greatest primarchs in my opinion. Lorgar was near godlike and later did become a demi-god. No mere mortal could out do him.
-How did he suddenly wake up as a statue? Even in the eye of terror thats a little wierd. Maybe you should add something like, maybe a rival sorceror turned him to stone while he was sleeping to try to reap more glory. Or something.
-Offering up a hive-world is a great feat. But not enough for daemonhood. No one action can give you daemonhood. Unless this hive world was sooooooo super important to the Imperium, destorying it wouldn't give him immortality. Wright some more background. Some more feats of him manipulating people to doing horrible acts. Him getting out of statue form and then doing even more to gain him that o-so-precious immortality.
-Again, you need some more info about him, his followers, and his feats of glory for the chaos gods. He's a word bearer right? Make him a sorceror too, then his communicating with distant individuals would be more believable. Maybe wright stuff about how he used his powers to summon armies of daemons to do his bidding and help him conquer or "burn" worlds.
Just some helpful advice.
well, he did more stuff than that, but i've been busy witing about the Traior Guardsmen, which is what gave me this idea in the first place.
as for his followers, 6 powerful marines in terminator armor, and a sorceror (which makes 8, the most chaotic numba eva!)
i drew a pic of Yaziro, and i like the way it turned out, think like this: Black armor, iron grey trim, a book,bound in ork skin,eldar flesh pages,and written in the blood of space marines, chained to his right shoulder plate, a flaming skull hanging from it, and on the left, another flaming skull lantern thingy, and a daemon face statue,in the image of the WE icon, and an Accursed Crozius in his semi human hand, and one huge daemon claw looking thing, all ove the armor, screaming faces and such, and the head, a horned daemon face, with a few piercings in the places that look humanoid
well, as for the rest of the fluff, i'll post it later, i'm sleepy
have you named his personal warship? I'd call her the Miskatonic