Meeting before the Horus Heresy - Warhammer 40K Fantasy

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  1. #1
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    Meeting before the Horus Heresy

    This isn't mine, and I got it from someone else at another board as I was searching for my Night Lords fluff. All I did was edit for readability (meaning took out formatting errors).

    Frozenflame got it from:

    k, here goes:

    Shortly before the Heresy reaches Terra, Horus calls the other eight
    Primarchs to his side for one final conference

    Horus: My brothers, all has gone splendidly so far, and now we stand ready to take control of the very heart of the Imperium and guide humanity to chaos... but something has been bothering me

    Fulgrim: The way Abaddon looks just like you?

    Horus: Yes, exactly. I mean, No! The simple fact is each of our chapters uses the same composition as the others. We have no variety! For the assault to work each chapter must take on a specific role, sacrificing some things and gaining others. Agreed?

    ::Heads nodded all around the room::

    Horus: All right then, whom do we begin with?

    Fulgrim: I want to be the pretty one!

    ::WHAM! Angron slams Fulgrim's head into the table::

    Angron: Idiot!

    Horus: Ah, Angron. Yes, your Worldeaters shall be the masters of hand to hand combat, sacrificing almost all else, and overcome by an insatiable frenzy of violence.

    Angron: Hey! You'd be violent too, if you had to sit between Fulgrim and Mortarion!

    Fulgrim: Can my chapter at least play music?


    Angron: Violence. Cool, I can live with that.

    Horus: Fulgrim, your Emporer's Children will indeed play music, but you will develop it into a weapon of horrible sound, killing men from a distance.

    Perturabo: Ever heard him play that harp of his? It's already like a horrible death.

    Fulgrim: Hmmph, you have no soul, Perturabo.

    Lorgar: Hey, none of us do.

    Fulgrim: Good point. What's the downside of my army, Horus?

    Horus: You wear pink.

    Fulgrim: And the downside?

    Horus: Moving on. Who's next?

    Mortarion: My chapter is already tougher than any other, but I will take a flaw like the rest of you.

    ::All stare at the diseased, disgusting form of the Death Guard

    Mortarion: What? I'm waiting.

    Horus: Ummm, Magnus! You're into that whole magic thing. Your Thousand Sons will have more psychics

    Magnus: Sorcerers. We call ourselves sorcerers now.

    Horus: Sure, whatever. But you get more of them than anyone else. Meanwhile the rest of your forces will become little more than walking automatons.

    Magnus: I don't see how I could possibly comply with that.

    Horus: Don't worry, I already got somebody working on that for me.

    Magnus: What? Who?!?

    Horus: Moving on

    Magnus: No wait, who's gonna turn my chapter into automatons?

    Mortarion: Hmm, perhaps someone is already working on the flaw of my chapter. Is that it, Horus?

    Lorgar: Cough, Typhus! Cough, Cough!

    Fulgrim: Wait a minute, if I follow the god of sex, how come Magnus has a 1000 sons?

    Alpharius: Well, you already have the Emporer's children. How many kids do you need?

    Horus: Hey! Still in charge here! And I said we're moving on! Now each of you four have your own specific god, but the rest of us will remain undivided. In fact, Lorgar, you can pick daemons from any of the gods,as many as you want.

    Lorgar: Whoo-hoo! Daemonette orgy tonight!

    Fulgrim: I am so there!

    Lorgar: You are so not!

    Horus: BUT, your Wordbearers must perform all our religious ceremonies, be the most zealous of us all. In fact, only you will keep your chaplains.

    Lorgar: So no orgy?

    Horus: `Fraid not.

    Lorgar: Man, this bites

    Horus: Perturabo, your Iron Warriors are masters of siege craft. You will get more heavy choices than the others. If you don't have enough, steal some from the Imperials. And since you created the Obliterators, feel free to take as many as you dare. This will make you a bit slower, and you can't have daemons at all.

    Perturabo: What about daemon siege engines?

    Horus: We have those?

    :erturabo whistles innocently::

    Horus: Okay, fine whatever. Konrad Curze

    Curze: I prefer `Night Haunter.'

    Horus: Sigh, Night Haunter. Your Night Lords will have more fast- moving troops and excel at night fighting, but...

    Fulgrim: Hey, wait a minute! We can decide our own nicknames? I want to be...


    Angron: Wasn't me this time.

    Lorgar: Umm, that was a ceremonial punch to the jaw. Slaanesh demanded it. Yeaahhh

    Horus: Crap. Where was I?

    Mortarion: I'm still waiting for my flaw.

    Alpharius: How about soap?

    Horus: Yes, the newbie! Your Alpha Legion will hide deep within the Imperium and sabotage their efforts. This means few daemons, and certainly no greater daemons.

    Alpharius: Not so bad, and what do I get in return?

    Horus: Um, cultists. We can't afford to give them armor or guns
    though. We have these flashlights. "Laspistols" I think is what the Imperial Guard call them

    Alpharius: You gotta be kidding me! Humans!?!? That's it!?!?

    Horus: Yep. Sucks to be the new guy.

    Alpharius: This is bull! Angron gets all the hand to hand stuff, Perturabo gets all the shooty stuff, and I get cultists?!? This is so much

    ::Alpharius looks at Mortarion::

    Alpharius: Well, I guess it could be worse. What about you, Horus?

    Mortarion: Is my chapter to have no flaw?

    Horus: That's it! My Chapter doesn't have a flaw or an advantage. I can have whatever I want without limits.

    Perturabo: You're not getting my stolen siege engines.

    Alpharius: And if cultists is all I get, then you ain't getting any.

    Lorgar: Don't forget, you said I'm the only one with Chaplains.

    Horus: Fine, fine. Are we all settled? Questions?

    :veryone raises a hand::

    Horus: None? Good. The attack begins in one week. Dismissed.

    Mortarion: Hello? STILL waiting [for] my flaw. Helloooo?

    And the rest is history or the future or the history of the future. Well, you know what I mean.

    Last edited by LBellouny; June 17th, 2005 at 00:56.
    "They are my space marines and they shall know no fear, for they are fear incarnate." ~ Konrad Curze (Night Haunter), Primarch of the Night Lords Legion

    "Adeo mori servus Imperator Fictus
    Ave Dominus Nox" (So die the slaves of the False Emperor. Hail to the Lord of the Night.) ~ Talonmaster Zso Sahaal [Lord of the Night, p.68]

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  3. #2
    Pathfinder Edicius's Avatar
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    Yeah it's been posted here before (twice I think O.o) but it's still funny XD. It's flaoting around the internet in a buncha different places, I think it's pretty old.

  4. #3
    Senior Member citybeatnik's Avatar
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    Wait... this does look familiar...
    This is exactly like the Clan-founders Meeting joke from VtM! Exactly like it!
    However, in a good way.
    I like it. But then I love humor.
    "Some days you're the Mekboy building the kannon, the rest you're the grot being blown up by it."
    - Quote attributed to Sorkrates, before his much mourned death due to ingestion of Hemsquig Juice.

    "Dis iz my choppa, and herez me gun. Dat's for killin' and so'z dis one!"
    - Bloodaxe Kommando Warchant

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  6. #4
    LO Zealot numberofthebeastxxx's Avatar
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    That's great! Very funny. It's nice to see a humorous twist on things every so often.
    "My father is the jailhouse. My father is your system....
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  7. #5
    Boiiing! Knape97's Avatar
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