Some Gk Fluff - Warhammer 40K Fantasy

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Thread: Some Gk Fluff

  1. #1
    Senior Member XV-88's Avatar
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    This is just a bit of some fluff I was working on for a school writing project. Coming soon: the battle!


    The Shining Paladins
    Jonah Crow looked deep into Ezekiel Forge’s eyes. There was no compassion there.
    “Well,? he said. “Then it is settled. Tomorrow, we take IG-67 once and for all. We shall lance-strike the Chaos Palace, and your force will destroy the ritual on the eastern pole.?
    “In the almighty name of the Emperor, I am ready.?
    “Then tomorrow will be the last day of the poor people of IG-67’s fear and suffering. Now, rest, before the morrow.?
    Walking down the plasteel walkways of the Paladin’s Strike Vessel. He glanced at the walls, and even without his aided vision, he could see that they were perfect. This never ceased to please him. They felt solid, an element mostly missing in the warp. Forge shivered. Forget. Forget. Forget... good. He continued until he found his chamber. Grand it was indeed. As all the men’s chambers were. A ship meant to hold 100 men in power armor, 25 Terminators, and 2 Dreadnoughts or Tanks was now holding 20 men in power armor, 4 Terminators, and 1 Dreadnought. Thus, the living, training, and working spaces could be increased, making for a more content crew. He rubbed his hands across the mahogany tables, admiring the intricate carvings of the birth of the Emperor, the building of humanity, and the Heresy. The daemonic carvings of the Heresy were shifting because of the proximity of warp holes, but by now he was used to it. At first he almost put a Psycannon bolt through the masterpiece. The cream curtains around the view port flowed like milk, and he collapsed into a dreamless sleep.
    * * *
    The next morning was full of business. The noise of every Paladin waking at once was loud, but the morning meal was, like always, completely silent. Training this day would not happen, preparation and weapon and armor care would take its spot. All the suits of armor were taken from their cases, and all the Storm Bolters unteathered from their shrines. The daily ritual of cleaning and inspecting the machinery and the machine spirit that they so trusted during battle was underway, and no interruptions could be made. All the crew were silently working on their bolters except for Crow, who was refilling the pyrum-petrol flasks on his hand meltas. The soul in the Dreadnought was double- and triple-checking Lascannon power and flexing the power fist on the Dread. Soon, they were all ready and in lines.
    Both squads of ten Paladins each got a large Drop Pod, while the Dread got its own and the commanders shared one. When everyone was loaded, the deck crew of the ship let the air out of the launching platform, and the engines ignighted, sending the loyal Paladins to the loud and rauchous surface of the Slaanesh-blighted surface.

    Henceforth no man shall set foot upon the world, and all around shall be set sentinals to ward away unwary spacecraft. We must accept that this place is lost to us forever, and is now the eternal habitation of abomination.

    <div class='quotetop'>QUOTE</div><div class='quotemain'>another annoying thing i hate: 47,000 similies in one post. just thoght id throw that in there and see if anybody else hates it as much as i do.</div>

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    Excellent&#33; Since you&#39;re obviously a high-level writer, I will give you high-level criticism. Number lower than ten should be spelled out. Higher numbers can be spelled out or written numerically. A Dreadnought contains not just a soul, but a shattered and withered body. It sounds better if you refer to Dreadnoughts as Dreadnoughts, but "Dreads" is ok too. Finally, "Walking down the plasteel walkways of the Paladin’s Strike Vessel" is a sentence fragment. Seriously, though, that&#39;s just being nitpicky. This is awesome. I am also pleased to see you seem to have inherited my spelling gene. I can only detect one spelling error, and that is "ignighted." It should be, "ignited." God, I&#39;m so anal-retentive.
    Si em, tow en can de lach.
    Tak&#33; Tak&#33; Tak ah wan, Tak a lah&#33;
    Mi tow, can de lach.
    Mi him, en tow.

  4. #3
    Senior Member Brother Bob's Avatar
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    Originally posted by Deciever@Nov 6 2003, 03:18
    Excellent&#33; Since you&#39;re obviously a high-level writer, I will give you high-level criticism. Number lower than ten should be spelled out. Higher numbers can be spelled out or written numerically. A Dreadnought contains not just a soul, but a shattered and withered body. It sounds better if you refer to Dreadnoughts as Dreadnoughts, but "Dreads" is ok too. Finally, "Walking down the plasteel walkways of the Paladin’s Strike Vessel" is a sentence fragment. Seriously, though, that&#39;s just being nitpicky. This is awesome. I am also pleased to see you seem to have inherited my spelling gene. I can only detect one spelling error, and that is "ignighted." It should be, "ignited." God, I&#39;m so anal-retentive.
    I like, I like. Short fluff on a Space Marines daily rituals before battle. They are usually more caught up in prayer though. They aren&#39;t nearly as bad as the Adeptus Mechanicus, but they&#39;re still prayer-hogs.

    I also thought it was a Tau story at first, because of the ship being named "IG-67"

    So, all in all, a good short story, and I enjoyed reading it. Hope to see more of this soon&#33;


    Plus, I&#39;m glad to see that I am still the undefeated spelling champion of the Internet.

    One more spelling error. "Rauchous" I assume is Raucous.

    Being more nitpicky than Deceiver is, I noticed this :-
    "Training this day would not happen, preparation and weapon and armor care would take its spot."
    It&#39;s good grammar to use only one "and" in a sentence, all the rest being commas.
    So.. "Training this day would not happen. Preparation, weapon and armour care would take its spot."

    Armour is spelt with a U, but then you could be American. Although it is "English".
    "Unteathered" is spelt "Untethered".

    You don&#39;t really need a dash (-) after "double-", &#39;cause you already have one after triple.


    John Reeves "Overcode" Hall, 1980-2005, http://overcode.yak.net/1

    DONATE TO THE FIGHT AGAINST MELANOMA
    http://www.acsevents.org/faf/r.asp?t...99915-86454580

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    Looks great, but will your teacher understand it, and if she doesn&#39;t will you lose points?

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    Senior Member XV-88's Avatar
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    Ya, they didn&#39;t really get it, but they&#39;re Heretics. So there. And I am American, so it&#39;s okay if I suck at spelling&#33; Thank you all, consider it rewritten.
    Henceforth no man shall set foot upon the world, and all around shall be set sentinals to ward away unwary spacecraft. We must accept that this place is lost to us forever, and is now the eternal habitation of abomination.

    <div class='quotetop'>QUOTE</div><div class='quotemain'>another annoying thing i hate: 47,000 similies in one post. just thoght id throw that in there and see if anybody else hates it as much as i do.</div>

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    Senior Member Mr Shadow's Avatar
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    Why have you give the kights two names?.........eg Firstname and a Surname
    A Rhino? SLOTH!

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    Senior Member Canderous Ordo's Avatar
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    Very nice a shame your teacher and probly alot of pupils didnt understand it

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    Hi XV-88,
    I would never think of writing something like this when I was in school....lol.I knew they wouldn&#39;t understand...hehehe.

    But hey write more soon and did they send you to the principals office for writing about guns?

    By the Brother Bob benig albe to splel is not anal reetnitve. I raelly feel anoneyd wehn I rceieve memos or fomral lteters with spleling mitsakes. Mkaes me dseapir as to what is will hpapen to the Queen&#39;s English...
    Whoso would be a man must be a non conformist
    People should be taught what is, not what should be.

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    I like it&#33; Nice to see some space marine ritual writin rather than a batrep.

  11. #10
    Senior Member XV-88's Avatar
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    Here&#39;s part two. Oooooo&#33; The suspense&#33;

    As the Marines braced for impact, Crow looked around. The Paladins were perfectly disciplined, all staring at an invisible point in the center of the pod. A tinny, metallic voice broke through the speakers, announcing that they would touch down in five minutes. Crow sat in awkward silence, wondering how the Paladins could not twitch, hurdling down to possible death. At exactly 30 seconds to impact, all of the internal clocks went off, and the Paladins tensed as one, bracing for impact. Crow was astonished, but the thought darted out of his head as he realized that they were about to hit the ground. A sudden *****ing marked impact, and the Paladins marched off the pod. They were fighting along side the Maroc Marauders, another Space Marine chapter that had podded at the same time. Three more drop pods and a shuttle holding the Marauders hit the soil, and shook it around them. As they all disembarked and lined up, Crow noticed for the first time that it was snowing. Quite fiercely now, as if the snow knew exactly where the Marines were. They broke into movement, trudging along in the deep snow drifts, not feeling the cold at all in their heated power armor.
    They set up camp after a day of walking, and the officers met in their section. Since the Marauders only spoke Spanish, Crow and Forge had to adapt.

    “*The records on this planet show no signs of storms like these, and there were none while we were on the Cruiser.*?

    “*Yes, that is why we marched south. We should be at about equator level right now.*?

    “*This is absurd&#33; We should be out of this emperor-forsaken storm by now&#33;*?

    “*We march east tomorrow. A four hour march should bring us to the outskirts of the capital, and two more after that will take us to the center, the location of the ritual.*?

    “*Good, let us rest. Tomorrow, we move out,*?

    * * *

    After a long four hours, the Marauders and the Paladins saw what looked like a sheet of yellow approaching. As they got closer, they realized that it was the edge of the storm. A clear-cut edge. The storm just stopped on one side of the road. As they past, walking became easier. They looked back to see grey clouds and snow, but in the other direction, sunny skies. The town was utterly uninhabited, but dead bodies lied everywhere. The ominous feeling of a tear in the warp became stronger, bringing out worries and fear into the minds of the weak. As they neared the center of town, black appeared in the sky. Clouds were forming, and it started to rain. As they crossed a highway, a big one at that, eight large lanes, totaling about 100 feet, they saw a lone Chaos Noise Marine standing there, perfectly still.

    “Speak, to show that you are alive.?

    No response. After five minute, Jonah Crow primed his jump pack and told Forge he was going over to inspect the marine. Before he even took a step, the noise Marine pointed his Sonic Blaster into the air, and let loose a blast of sound equal to the force of a plasma cannon. Suddenly, Chaos Marines were everywhere, swarming across the highway like beetles.

    “*****&#33; Wasn’t expecting that&#33;?
    Henceforth no man shall set foot upon the world, and all around shall be set sentinals to ward away unwary spacecraft. We must accept that this place is lost to us forever, and is now the eternal habitation of abomination.

    <div class='quotetop'>QUOTE</div><div class='quotemain'>another annoying thing i hate: 47,000 similies in one post. just thoght id throw that in there and see if anybody else hates it as much as i do.</div>

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