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How To Be A Cultist
A list that ought to be, but judging from all apparent evidence sadly isn’t, included as mandatory reading material in all initiations of Chaos Cultists. It was sent to me by a Khornate friend so I can’t claim the honour of having authored it, only the finder’s fee. Enjoy!
- Pick one God and stay with it. Dilettantism is the mark of the amateur.
- Avoid needless embarrassment. Practise the correct pronunciation of your deity's name in the privacy of your own room before chanting it in public. Flash cards are often helpful.
- Never invoke anything bigger than your head.
- Avoid all cabalistic jewellery over ten pounds in weight -- it attracts unwelcome attention from tourists, the Inquisition, various supernatural creatures, and can be downright dangerous during thunderstorms.
- Citronella candles may not be used in rituals. I cannot stress this enough. Pastel-coloured candles in the shape of cute animals are like beacons to the Powers of Darkness.
- Always keep your kit with you: candles, chalk, incense, silver knife, service boltgun, garlic, Mark of Chaos, cabfare, condoms, and change.
- NEVER be the cultist that goes to rough up the hero(es). Ransacking hotel rooms is probably safe, but going 'round to beat up the good guys is a sure one-way ticket to the nearest deathworld.
- When the Black Mass goes awry, stay away from the Chaos Sorcerer. Enraged demons always go for the pompous.
- Don't gloat.
- If you can't resist gloating, don't reveal your plans.
- If you do gloat and reveal your plans, don't leave the hero(es) to die slowly. They don't.
- If you gloat, reveal your plans, and leave the hero(es) to die slowly, don't have the audacity to look surprised when they turn up at the last moment to foil your evil plot.
- The hero (or heroes) will always show up at the last possible moment to foil your plans. With this in mind, start half an hour early -- they hate that.
- Plan ahead by selecting ceremonial robes that are easy to run in while still affording ample concealment.
- Never screw anything whose genetic structure you are not absolutely comfortable with.
- Never admit to screwing anything whose genetic structure you are not absolutely comfortable with.
- When a religious artefact begins emitting light, CLOSE YOUR EYES. Thousands of cultists could be saved every year if they'd just remember this simple safety tip.
- When mutilating grox, avoid the ones with testicles.
- During ritual sacrificing, taking bits home for later is now generally considered "bad form".
- Blood tests are now required for all sacrificial victims before the ritual. The effects of HIV+ offerings on the average malefic deity have never been witnessed by anyone living, or even intact.
- Contrary to Slaaneshi belief, drugs and invocations do not mix. When the **** comes down, it is vitally necessary to be able to discern between the gibbering monstrosity to throw the holy water on and the gibbering monstrosity that will fade away after a few hours, some B-complex, and a good hot bath.
- Never play strip Imperial Tarot.
- Piety and belief are powerful things, and few forces in nature can stand against one who is true to his faith, his God, and his own soul. However, it is also true that the Gods tend to side with the heaviest artillery, so be prepared change sides at the drop of a hat.
- For those situations where a fresh, living sacrifice is just not feasible (or even possible), the lower ranks of demons can be fooled by microwaving a previously-frozen chunk of ex-victim and cleverly jiggling it. However, a mock victim sculpted from Spam(tm) is right out.
Last edited by Grephaun; October 28th, 2005 at 21:25.
"Girls are nice and cuddly on the outside, and freaky on the inside." ~ Lost Nemesis.
That was nice. A great way to start a shift, with a laugh. Thanks Greph, and to whomever wrote it as well, if you could pass it on.
A little pain never hurt anyone - Larry
<Post edited for being retarded.>
THREE LETTERS DOES NOT A QUALITY POST MAKE.
Last edited by Phobos; October 29th, 2005 at 14:37.
Reminds me quite a bit of the Evil Overlord List (AKA 300 things I would do if I were an Evil Overlord bent on Global Domination): http://www.eviloverlord.com/lists/overlord.html
Still, an amusing read and quite a few of those were very original.
A final word of advice to aspiring cultists...
Remember: You don't choose the Genestealer Cult. It choses you. Posthumously.
Were you not warned earlier? This is spam, stop it and add some content. - KU
Last edited by King Ulrik Flamebeard; October 29th, 2005 at 22:05.
Never play strip Imperial Tarot...
By day he fought with sword and shield.....
By night he fought with pen and parchment.....
He was....The Warrior Poet.......
Fear the ANZAC Clan!!!!!
ORDER OF THE SHADOWY FLAME!!!
Do you have uber micro...????
Fantastic, goes up there in the ranks of "CSM's diary". Great find!
The only difference between tattooed people and non-tattooed people is that tattooed people are awesome and can kick your ass.
"War does not determine who is right - only who is left."
Life is too serious to be taken seriously
I've seen a version of this dedicated to more Cthulhu-estic cultists somewhere before, but I've no idea where.
The Grand Necromagus of the LO Codex: Necromancers Design Team.
The Supreme Lance Leader of the Codex: Wasters Design Team.
Cruelty has a Human Heart
And Jealousy a Human Face
Terror, the Human Form Divine
And Secrecy, the Human Dress
'Buy life insurance.. you'll find out why soon enough.'This is probably why Tzeentch cults are rare.Avoid needless embarrassment. Practise the correct pronunciation of your deity's name in the privacy of your own room before chanting it in public. Flash cards are often helpful.
All in all, very funny. Thanks.