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OK this is a bit cheakey as I already posted the full thing in the =][= forum, but below is the fluff part of a new character for =][= , model is already half made (admitedly the easy half), the full rules for the character are in the =][= forum, but I wanted feedback on the fluff so...:
Inquisitor-Saint Beatriche Di Brayne
The Leader of the Bluescar Crime ring and the rogue trader sat back simultaneously, both happy that the deal had reached an amicable agreement. As the head of the buggest underworld organisation, sitting in his inner sanctum, the crime lord felt satisfied, having sold the bizarre sword to the trader at a price which could probably buy him what parts of the planet he did not already own. The trader, had a clearer idea what the beautiful blade, with its secret inhabitant, still locked in in glass fronted casket covered with inquisitorial seals and wards, was worth, knew he was getting a bargain. The only other people in the room, one bodyguard for each man, were indifferent to the proceedings.
Suddenly the doors flew open, the crime lord swore, he had given orders they were not to be interrupted, someone was going to die painfully. The trader, immediately on edge, pushed himself back from the table between the two protagonists. Both bodyguards spun with astounding speed, grace and balance and drew their own blades.
Through the doorway walked a vision. A woman of less than twenty summers, bandages hiding her eyes but not her beauty, raven black hair blowing across her face, dressed in an imperial purple greatcoat and matching boots, both trimmed in fur, under which she was clearly naked. However what most attracted the menâ€™s attention was the large pair of snowy wings on her back, she looked like an angel, albeit possibly a fallen one.
The woman spoke melodiously and the men almost missed the sense of the words, believing they were half dreaming.
â€śBy order of the Inquisition, no one may leave this room. That casket and its contents are now in my custodyâ€?
The crime lord smirked, â€śAre you going to arrest us my Angel? Shall I help you get your weapons out?â€?
â€śNo,â€? the girl replied, a ghost of a smile, dancing disarmingly across her lips â€?I am afraid you all have to dieâ€?
Suddenly all four men, each hardened killers, found themselves mesmerised by the beauty of the angel before them. They stood and walked smiling towards the girl filled with peace. As the girl smiled back, a Skull floated out from behind her wing, the men were still smiling, their hearts filled with peace and love as the first round left the barrel of the auto-pistol mounted underneath the skull, for a second, a string of brass cases rained across the floor under the skull and the four bodies fell immediately.
The girl walked unerringly round the rapidly forming puddle of blood to the table, ran a delicate finger over the case of the sword, then raised a small vox unit from her pocket to her lips.
â€śThis is Angel, the package is secure, commence extractionâ€?
During the events preceding the 13th Black Crusade of the Traitor Abbadon, the industrial planet Beowulf 1437 was almost overrun by a Slaneshi cult. The actions of an already drained PDF and the Ecclisiarchy could not stop the fall of the capital city and most major centres of population. Only the timely interdiction of Redemptionist sect on a pilgrimage saved the planet. As the final Chaos devotees were being cornered, the portly Bishop Henri Borga, principle member of the Ecclisarchy on the planet found himself in a new war, for the hearts and mind of the population. The Redeptionist sect was actively recruiting from the already decimated population, the Bishop found his power and wealth facing a new threat.
Borga proclaimed he had been visited by a vision of a Girl Child, telling him that the cult leaders were ensconced in the Governors Winter Palace and that he should attack immediately. The remaining elite elements of the PDF were ordered to attack the palace that night and following two days of dangerous close quarter battle, Borga entered the complex. Although no-one knew the reason, huge crowds quickly gathered at the entrance to the Palace, and Borga emerged hand in hand with a small girl child. The Bishop declared to the masses that this was the child of his dream and that when the leaders of the cult had been cornered, the child had appeared and her very presence had slain them.
The Seven year old Beatriche, the daughter of a minor noble house, had clearly been tortured and had her eyes put out, although seemed perfectly aware of her surroundings. The Bishop immediately entreated the higher authorities for her beatification using the dream visitation, her ability to see without her eyes and the slaying of the cult leaders as the miracles required for proof. Borga, rather prematurely, embarked on ensuring the entire population of the Planet was aware of the Miracles the girl, who he now referred to as a living Saint, had performed. Rumours of other miracles as she was paraded around the world by the Priest began to run rife. Thanks to girl, the hearts and minds of the population were called back to the church rather then the sect.
No one asked the portly priest why those who had tortured the child and put out her eyes had felt it necessary to chemically wipe her memory, nor why, once the Redemptionists had left, the Bishop chose to send her to a Schola Progenium so far away as to make the popular little Saint effectively un-contactable and restoring himself to the centre of their religious devotions.
At the Schola Progenium, Beatrice, still awaiting confirmation of her Sainthood clearly did not fit in, although she was adept and studious, she was something of a pariah, lacking friends and did not respond at all appropriately to discipline. Were it not for her beatification the governors would have expelled her. Thankfully the question of what to do with the child was resolved by the arrival of the Xanthite Inquisitor Dorian Von Calne.
The Inquisitor decided the now teenaged Saint had potential and removed her from the schola. However, Von Calne was in two minds over how to use Beatrice, clearly she had latent psychic talents and had the potential to make a good henchman, although equally she was promising as a potential demonhost.
For five years Von Calne trained the girl, gifting her with a servoskull to compensate for her blindness and training her to use her psychic talents to great effect. However, all the while Von Calne was increasingly developing his mastery of the dark powers, reading from an ancient text he had recovered many years before, after a while he had Beatrice join him in his studies.
Shortly after Beatrice reached 17 standard Terran years, the Inquisitorâ€™s opportunity arose, he discovered a Slaneshi cult on the planet of Drayfalis 3, the inquisitor and his warband infiltrated the cult and Dorian used his knowledge and abilities to persuade the leaders to attempt to summon a demon and using Beatrice as a demonhost.
The summoning was successful but before Dorian could bind the demon, other inquisitorial agents, horrified by the Inquisitors activities, intervened. The Inquisitor was believed slain, and the demon was banished by Beatrice herself, reading from Von Calneâ€™s tome. Beatrice took up her old masters position, and began her service as a full inquisitor.
There are members of the inquisition who believe Beatriche, like her master, is going too far in her activities, but for the moment, without proof, all they can do is watch..
It works well, although one gripe I have with it is that it seems to suffer a bit much from what I call Meh'lindi Syndrome: that there's lots of "eye candy" and everyone falls in love with her, in a very unconvincing way. If you could make it clear that she used some kind of atmospheric enhancer or something first, it would be more believable. And the ideas of angels don't need to be overtly sexual; the Angel of Bucephalon in Ghostmaker is a nice example of this.
The servo-skull also seems a tad unnecessary. If she is known to be able to see perfectly well without her eyes anyway, why does she need it?
And finally, why have her not know where she came from? It may be that she just doesn't talk about it, and due to her psychic abilities couldn't be easily mind-raped for the information. Unless it's the priest trying to keep things quiet, which is an excellent idea but not expressed too clearly. Or it could be that I'm losing the ability to read.
Beyond that, it's nicely thought through and has some excellent ideas.
Xerxes, cheers mate, to deal with your points:
Re falling in love - you aint seen the mini, the conversion is going exceptionally well, but may end up as certificate 18, also the charcter has the psionic ability mesmorism, I suppose that is why it is rather fancifull in the story without the character stats, nomally the 2 (fluff and charcter rules) go together, it explains how she controlled the crime lord, the RT and their bodyguards.
Servo skull - ok the ability to sense without the shull is represented in game terms by the Wyrd - detection, this only works within 2D6 meters on any given turn and I must completely waste an entire action (which I am likely only to have 3 of on average) to use the detection, vastly impairing the charcter, the servo skull is a compramise in 2 ways- firstly it stops her wandering around aimlessly because she is not aware of what is going on outside of those 2D6, secondly, she does not carry a gun, in fact the only weapons the character has is a knife and a couple of photon flash grenades, so the servo skull has an auto pistol. But it does have aweakness, servo skulls are easy to kill if you can hit them which would reduce her to her detection abilities
I was considering changing the servo skull to a familiar but am at a loss for an appropriate mini, was thinking of perhaps some sort of small wyvern or dragon
I will give the "unkown origin" some consideration - you mean at the point where she was found by the priest?
The inference that the whole thing (her impending sainthood) is a sham was, in the first draft, far more than an inference, I diluted it, but will add something to make it stronger (eg no one bothered to ask the priest why the cult leaders, who sopposedly died from her presence, were also covered in las gun strikes. and make reference at the end that she is unlikely to be confirmed as a saint as she would have to undergo a battery of tests and examinations which she is fully aware she would fail, terminally.
Cheers mate, any more suggestions, feel free
*walks out of the room, screams and comes back again*Originally Posted by Cheredanine
Sorry, I just hate the idea of making minis solely for eye candy purposes. Or the idea of eye candy at all.You could expand that bit, trace the boss's thought processes. It's not so much the idea that's the problem, it's just the suddenness of it. Try to make it more subtle.Originally Posted by CheredanineIf you're claiming that she can see just as well without eyes, just treat her as sighted anyway, without having to have the vulnerability. It'd be the same kinda thing if you would field an astropath.Originally Posted by Cheredanine
Actually a major part of my hoby enjoyment comes from modeling and p[ainting, since I hardly ever play =][= as a player, far more often I am the GM, it is nice to have the licence, but I know what you mean mate*walks out of the room, screams and comes back again*
Sorry, I just hate the idea of making minis solely for eye candy purposes. Or the idea of eye candy at all.not a bad idea, I will see what I can do about making the use of the power a little overtYou could expand that bit, trace the boss's thought processes. It's not so much the idea that's the problem, it's just the suddenness of it. Try to make it more subtle.She can not see as well, without the skull she loses an action and can only respond none visual stuff or anything within 2D6 inches regardles of line of sight (and has a 5% chance of not being able to do this)If you're claiming that she can see just as well without eyes, just treat her as sighted anyway, without having to have the vulnerability. It'd be the same kinda thing if you would field an astropath.
The skull is not an uncommon feature of inquisitors, but hers is somewhat limited and limiting, overall it is about having a flawed character (ie person to game with), maked roleplay more interesting. The astropath model is very boring
In which case tone down the fluff a bit. The impression I got was that she could "see" as well as an astropath (because that's the way my mind goes when I think "blind psyker").Originally Posted by Cheredanine"model" as in the physical model or the concept? And yes, flawed characters are great.Originally Posted by Cheredanine
it isnt the same as an astropath, wiothin a short radius she can "see" better than anyone, because of the detection, but it costs her to use it, otherwise she is reliant on sight from the skullIn which case tone down the fluff a bit. The impression I got was that she could "see" as well as an astropath (because that's the way my mind goes when I think "blind psyker").Model as in chuck of metal sold by GW"model" as in the physical model or the concept? And yes, flawed characters are great.
Everything you have been told is a lie!
Thanks for the help Xerxes, for what it is worht, a sample of my =][= minis can be found here:
Everything you have been told is a lie!
All pretty cool stuff..
But I don't think a psyker would ever be considered a living saint, because the organization responsible for conferring that title despises psykers along with all other mutants.