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I posted a couple of Short stories about my Iron Warriors in the Iron clan forum, people said they were realy good, so i would like other peoples opinions on how they fair.
This ones about one of my aspiring champions, hope you enjoy it.
Mud and rubble flew though the air, disrupted by the fire of heavy artillery. It pattered across the adamantium of Brother Kethlimir Cyro's shoulder guard, he looked down wiping clean the debris, revealing the symbol of his legion, the Iron Skull of Perturbo, after months of fighting Cyros armour was stained with dust, mud and blood of the fallen, friends and foes. The paint had chipped away from his black shoulder pads, leaving bare metal patches.He stared at his shoulder guard, the image filled him with pride, he bore the genes of Perturbo, a great Primarch, it had been eons since he had seen his leader, back on Medrengard. He remembered the days when he had fought by Perturbo's side, in the Great Crusade....
As the fires raged, Cyro lifted his scarred head from the floor, he coughed, trying to clear the dust and dirt from his mouth, his vision was blurred and all he could hear was a ringing in his ears. The shell had impacted less than 10 meters from his position. Rrom what he could see many of his brothers had perished from the blast. Clearing his head, he rose, other survivors were rising to, Brother Sergeant Farlond was gripping the stump were his leg had used to be. "Brother you must retreat we have been caught in a trap, the green skins will come, take the survivors and retreat back to the encampment," Farlond coughed. Cyro could spy the Orks, they had left there dug in position, and were wooping and yelling, firing the shootas into the air in experience, as they sprinted towards their position. "Brothers we must......" Cyro began as he suddenly heard a familiar voice over the din of battle. "Rally my Brothers, we will meet the Xenos scum in the name of the Emperor!" Lord Perturbo the great began, intstantly the scattered Iron Warriors were filled with strength, with their Primarch by their side, who could oppose them? The green skins were close now, only 100 meters. Cyro drew his bolt pistol and unsheathed his combat sword. "Sons of Olympia, Follow me into battle!" Perturbo screemed as he sprinted towards the Orks, showing neither hesitation nor fear. Behind him the Iron Warriors followed; Pride filled Cyro's chest. "For the Emperor!!!" And battle was met in the Emperors name
........It had been a long time since that day, a lot had changed. Oaths had been spat on, brothers had killed each other. But Cyro had remained faithfull to his father, Perturbo had been tricked by the Emperor, and Dorn had turned Olympia against them. Vengeance had to be sought against those who had wronged them. A lascannon energy stream shot above the trench line. A crunching impact, then a dull thud, he knew the sound of a Chimera throwing its tracks. He smiled, Cyros had been seeking revenge for ten thousand years and still he was not satisfied. He stepped on to the firing step, raising his multi-barreled bolter, disembarking guardsmen looked on in terror. Starring down the barrel of his gun, Cyros eyes narrowed. Channeling his vision on the closest guardsmen, he pulled the trigger, firing a single bolt. It hit the guardsman between the eyes, spraying his comrades with the vital contents of his cranium. Stepping up off the firing step, Cyro screamed, raising his mighty power fist into the air. He felt as strong as Perturbo.
woah... absolutly stunning I have to admit that one is one of the best CSM stories I have read this far:happy:.
Do you have more stories/fluff ? I would be happy to hear more ...that little story of yours somehow got me hooked keep on the good work
Thats a really good story. Maybe instead of this
As the fires raged, Cyro lifted his scarred head from the floor, he coughed, trying to clear the dust and dirt from his mouth, his vision was blurred and all he could hear was a ringing in his ears.
As the fires raged, Cyro lifted his scarred head from the floor, coughing, trying to clear the dust and dirt from his mouth, his vision blurred and ringing in his ears.
Anyway its a great short story, keep writing
I really like this story Dan - like the Pickle guy said I think you just could use a little bit more formatting, or....polish? I'm no expert, but just a thought. Nice job man.
"If you can wait til I get home, then I swear we can make this last."
That was a great read!. As stated above you just need to polish it up abit. Cant wait to hear more of this!
IRON CHEF SCENEY II
Well. that story is rather an old one! I forgot i had even wrote it up and posted it (Dec 20th 05!)
Im glad everyone liked it, i did write a few more stories but very few. I do like to think about my iron warriors in combat and in orbit and stuff.
Recently ive decided my iron warriors have managed to take over a moon and totally kit it out. It now is there base of operations, it can move about and has its own forges and stuff, it also has docks and stuff that allow space craft to enter it and be fixed or made again or whatever.
*On a quick note... do oyu think i should enter the black library tournement for writing a short story?*
I think you could certainly contend in the BL competition. Besides, what do you have to lose?
My own critique for you as that it is typical 40k fluff in that it is about a battle, a flashback, then more fighting as the character knows that "there is only war." However, that being said, that is what 40k fluff is all about and your language and tone were right on the mark. It's just as good, if not better than the stuff I read in all the codex's and whatnot.
I am heading off to the Peace Corps. It is bery likely I will not be back. Good luck to all of you endeavors.