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Hey guys, just finished a little piece of writing on my Inquisitor, its just a trial thing just wanted to see what some of you guys think of it........
Denrik could smell the stench of corruption as soon as his heavily armoured boot touched surface with this world. As he gazed skyward the small flakes of snow formed a spiralling pattern in his vision. His moment of peace was interrupted as he heard two men walking softly along the ferrocrete pathway. Denrik was stood on the landing platform and a long straight pathway made its way to the city’s entrance into the mountain. He waited for the men to approach him, meanwhile his hand fell slightly to rest on the hilt of his nemesis force sword. As the two men came into view he noticed they were of the Imperial Guard creed. Denrik relaxed only slightly. Their uniform was of a dark grey cloth with white carapace armour, in their gloved hands sat a lasgun.
“What is your business stranger?” One of the guardsmen called. As they got closer and they could see through the mist they were almost standing directly in front of the stranger. Their nerves flinched as their faces gazed upon this man. He stood at least three foot taller than them and they could see he was wearing the trademark terminator armour of the Adepta Astartes, but it was encrusted with runes of exotic origin. Denrik took a step closer to the guardsmen. At once they recognised the status of this man, a glowing silver tattoo shone in the shape of an ornate I on his forehead.
“I have business of my own, I request passage to this city?” Denrik asked, his soft deep voice commanding respect and obedience.
The guardsmen bowed. “Forgive us my lord”. They said.
Denrik gently bowed his head in acceptance and strode past the men. He approached the entrance to the city and a retinal scan was required to open the door. He sighed in frustration and moved his eye into the scanner. The door hissed open and he made his way quickly inside. Glad to be out of the obscuring blizzard Denrik glanced around the city. It was fashioned in the shape of a large cone, relatively advanced for Imperial standards and kept very well maintained. His mind and heart still felt uneasy however, he hoped that his presence alone would bring the corruption he sensed to the fore. There was fear stricken throughout the populace here, he was frustrated that he couldn’t pinpoint it. As he glanced around the various levels of the city he saw Imperial Guardsmen stationed at various point, some on guard, others on patrol. As he scanned the main courtyard, just below him he noticed a young girl, something stirred in his heart about her, he felt faint whispers in his mind. There was a group of what looked to be teenage boys moving in to surround her, Denrik stood and watched for a couple seconds for the girl didn’t seemed bothered. He heard their taunts, insults not fit for a little girl, but for the traitors of the Emperor. Their insults grew and the girl was overwhelmed, Denrik felt all her emotions from where he stood. A single tear rolled down her cheek and the boys started shoving her. Denrik noticed a guardsmen walking toward his way.
“Guardsman, over there, that child, why is nothing being done?” He asked concerned.
The guardsmen glanced over and sighed. “That’s the governors son my lord, there is not much we can do”. The guardsmen replied.
“Thank you”. Denrik said gripping the shoulder of the man in a gesture of friendship. Denrik watched the boy that he now recognised as the governors son. There seemed to be a strange satisfying gleam in his eye. Denrik felt uneasy about this. In one fluid motion Denrik sprinted to the smooth ferrocrete railing and leaped into the air, he watched as he landed, a thud echoed throughout the courtyard. Everyone stopped in fear and watched as the heavily armoured man strode over to the group of boys. Jacob flinched as he heard the large footsteps thud toward him. He glanced away from the young girl and up to the terrifying presence that beheld him. He could hardly breath he felt so guilty in the presence of this man. Something in the mans eyes burnt fear and compassion at the same time into his very soul. A tear escaped his eye and rolled down his cheek.
“What are you doing boy”. Denrik asked sternly.
Jacob tries to meet the mans eyes but couldn’t, instead his head cowered.
“Nothing…”Jacob tried to keep his mind together.
Denrik turned to the little girl, there was a bruise under her left eye and she was weeping. He held out his hand to her.
“Where are your parents my child?” Denrik asked as soft as he could.
The girl blinked and stumbled slowly over to the outstretched hand. The girl slowly shook her head. “None”. She replied, her voice soft yet commanding. There was still a strange confidence about her.
“Jacob, run home boy. Your business here is done”. Denrik said.
Denrik gently lifted the girl without effort onto his shoulder, she sat between the raised rim of his shoulder pad and his head.
The boys scattered like insects under the gaze of Denrik. He glanced around and saw that the whole city had stopped to watch the confrontation.
“Guardsman”. Denrik called to the nearest Imperial soldier. As he approached he bowed gently to Denrik.
“Take care of this child for me, clothe her in your finest cloth and feed her”. Denrik ordered.
“Guardsman”. Denrik looked at him sternly”.
“Yes my lord.”
Denrik nodded to him and made his way across the courtyard and as he was about to ascend the stairs two men garbed in black power armour appeared at the top on them. Then an old grizzled man appeared between them. His black robes shone with a dark red light that Denrik didn’t like.
“I demand to know who it was that threatened my son!” The man boomed out into the open city.
Denrik continued to walk up the stairs until he was but paces away from the governor.
“I don’t know what your son said governor, but I assure you it was warranted.” Denrik said sternly.
The governor glanced down and noticed the stranger.
“Tell me Inquisitor, what makes you think you have power here?” The governor asked mockingly.
Denrik took a step closer so that he now towered over the governor and his bodyguard. He subconsciously open his mind to the powers of the warp and forcefully shut out the lighting over himself and the governor. He then tensed his arm and lifted it gently, he let his mind wander to the bodies of his guard, he felt their pulse and their slight fear. He gripped their body and gently lifted them into the air and twirled them around and held them up in the middle of the courtyard. He spoke words directly into their minds, words of the great tale of the Emperor and his countless sacrifice.
“Be free my brothers”. He called. Gently setting them back on the ground they ripped their helmets from their heads and pulled their bolt pistols from their holsters, as each one pulled the trigger the governor flinched.
“Remember your place governor, for that is all you are”. Denrik said and turned away from him, letting the light wash back into the darkness. Denrik was aware of the governors growing anger even as he walked, but then something stirred, a shift of warp energy in the room. Denrik turned quickly to see the governors hands glowing with fire, he was muttered a chant and the flames were building.
“Governor you are charged by the Emperor’s most holy of Orders, the Inquisition finds you a heretic and the penalty is death”. Denrik called as he walked once again toward the governor.
The governor laughed as he launched the fireball from his burning hands toward Denrik. Denrik readied himself and uttered a prayer to the Emperor, as the fireball smashed into him he held his hand out in front of him and because of his superior skill he twisted the warp energies of the fireball to his will, catching it with ease. The governor dropped to this knees and smiled without watching his foe burst into flames.
“Governor, your will is broken, you have no power over me. May the Emperor have mercy on you”. Denrik exclaimed as he built up his energy, reaching deep into the power that he knew, he threw the fireball back at the governor, it engulfed him and tore the soul from his body. Denrik watched as the body burned with righteous flame. And the spirit was broken with the word of the Emperor.
“By the power of the Inquisition, due to recent events I am taking command here".
Last edited by Denrik; December 31st, 2005 at 05:06.
It works ok, although the key events are kind of strange. I admit that I'm talking about stereotypes when I say this, but stereotypes have some grounding in reality. The incident with the girl is strange, why the Inquisitor would have concern for her more so. A phrase that sums up my complaint: "It is better that a thousand innocents die than one keels before the dÃ¦mon." If she was a heretic, then she would have died and been well. If not, then it really wouldn't matter; the Inquisition punish the guilty, not protect the innocent.
And the boy's seeming acknowledgement of the Inquisitor is strange, their status generally isn't known except by those in power. Admittedly as a governor's son he might have a reason to know, but it's unlikely.
Finally, the section with the governor is a bit rushed. First he's just annoyed about his son, next he's hurling flame, in what appears to be a public place. If it's not it needs to be described properly, if it is then there needs to be some kind of build-up, something to show his anger mounting. It happens too suddenly in the text, although granted not in the narrative.
Yeh cool thanks for that man, I re read it and it is all a little too rushed and a bit vague, i was just toying with ideas and how i could work them. Cheers for the reply though.
I agree with Xerxes... It might be nice to let the Inquisitor stay a while in the city... It makes it the story better believable, and you're a good writer... It was an enjoyable story.
Thanks Dark predator, ill post my complete revised version whne i get it done, maybe tomorrow.
Indeed, it's sort of tough to believe an inquisitor would question the right of a governor's son to do whatever his father and the laws of that planet allow him to, provided they didn't enroach on the inquisitor's duty. Though he might be interested to know why the girl was the target of such hatred. She could be a mutant, a rogue psyker, a daemonhost.. There really are no limits.
Of course, there's nothing to stop him suddenly deciding to question the governor's son at that very moment (with a secondary concern of ensuring the bullying can't continue.) Maybe the guy lets something slip during the questioning, and reveals that things are not quite right. However, I agree with the others, concern for the girl should be secondary next to doing the job, and pissing off the governor (before you know he's a rogue psyker) would seem to be a good way of limiting your ability to opperate on a planet.
Otherwise, awesome story. Well written, and a lot of fun.
Last edited by The_Giant_Mantis; December 31st, 2005 at 15:32.
I only have a problem with the Inquisitor wearing terminator armour. Put robes over him. that cover an ornate suit of master-crafted spacemarine power armour. so he looks a bit more mysterious.
I'll go out on a wild goose chase here if you don't mind.
Thanks mantis for the reply and zen,
I dunno bout power armour, could work i guess...ill work with it.
I would do what zenarion said, in the beginning in ornate ppwer armour, and when the Inquisitor has sensed/located the evil, he'll walk out in termie armour...
...to stomp some heretics. :lol:
That's a good point.. I'm not sure which Ordo Denrik comes from here. Initially, I thought Ordo Hereticus, because he's seeking out heretics and psykers. But in the rules Ordo Hereticus can't wear terminator armour (I know they can in the fluff, of course, but it suggests something about their normal methodology.)
Yeah.. as has been suggested, terminator armour isn't very flexible. It's the kind of thing you put on when you're being dropped on a daemon world and are expecting to blast your way through anything that moves. In normal society, it's going to be a bit of a burden.. You might get a bit sick of having to apologise every time you smash someone's doorframe trying to get through.