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  1. #1
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    Rate my chapters fluff

    Scions of Aquarius
    Chapter s home world
    The home world of the Scions of Aquarius is the planet of Atlantis. Atlantis is mainly comprised of tropical beaches in which some have their own forests and most important to the chapter, its magnificent oceans. At the two poles of the Atlantis there is artic waters and big snow islands. Not only do the Scions of Aquarius live on this planet, but there are quite a few tribes in which Scions of Aquarius draw their marines from. Most tribe members are excellent swimmers and fierce hunters which would make them great marines. It is said that the Oceans of Atlantis are so deep that there’s almost no core to the planet what so ever. The marine’s bases and fortress’s on this planet are located deep on the ocean floor where it is said that a normal human would die before reaching it due to pressure. This world’s ocean contains some of the imperium’s most needed resources.

    Induction
    Anyone who wants to be inducted into the Scions Aquarius has to go threw the other Space Marine tests as well as the additional 3:
    1. The first thing that they have to do is swim all the way across atlantis without taking a break. Anyone who fails to do so will not be inducted because they don’t have the great swimming ability all of these marines should
    2. To be apart of this chapter they have to be able to ride the chapters enhanced bikes and go threw a course and pass it on their first try.
    3. The final test is all the survivors of the first test all chained to the bottom of the ocean and have to stay down there for at least 10 minutes. All who pass this are ready to undergo the transformation into a Space Marine.
    The final step of them being inducted is that they have their pointer finger on their right hand replaced with a bionic finer to show their mysterious allegiance to the Iron hands.

    Combat Doctrine
    All thought they have a home planet; the chapter spends most of their time in water systems of other planets. Some reasons as to why they set up on other planets is that they’re either looking for something, or planning to attack any enemies of the Imperium on the planet. They will set up small bases underwater and wait for enemies of the Imperium to come into the area and when the enemy least expects it they will come charging out rushing at the enemy. They will even use these bases to get their troops ready for battle on the planet they are on and send them for a strike no matter how far the enemy is away. All though these marines prefer fighting in water regions for advantageous reasons they will still fight battles in cities, grasslands and other places. Devastator squads and other fire-based units will normally try to station them selves in the water or above it. The Scions of Aquatics are excellent swimmers and can swim 1 mile a minute, which gives them excellent, hit and run skills when by water. Another tactic these marines will use is hitting the enemy with a hard force, retreating back into the water for a few minutes, then reappearing again for a second go. One of the most common tactics enforced in the chapter is using their specialized water bikes, which can drive in and above water allowing the marines to make fast surgical strikes.

    this is what i have so far...please rate it.


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  3. #2
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    I always like it when someone goes to the effort of making up some background for their army. Still, I think one common mistake I've seen (in my mind at least) is to have elements in their background which just don't make any scientific sence. I know it's the 41st millenium and all, but a story isn't believable if you have (for instance) people being able to dodge bullets without actually giving any explanation as to why they can do that.

    Swimming around any planet without rest is well beyond the capacities of any human. A Space marine might be able to do it with their ability to avoid sleep and (probably) drink the seawater, but even so, it would take months at the least and it would really push them to their absolute limits. I suggest you make the test a bit more plausable

    The "10 minutes underwater" test might be okay, but I'm pretty sure that the human body can't survive on a single lungful of oxygen for that long without suffering serious brain damage. It might help to do a bit of research on that - maybe find the world record for holding ones breath?

    To swim at one mile per minute you have to be going 60 miles per hour, or 96km per hour. Unless they all have some sort of exceptionally powerful propulsion system (ie. they are all equipped with large outboard motors and an inflatable raft), this is completely implausable. 96kph is the upper speed limit for most roads (at least in Australia), and to be able to swim that fast, especially while equipped with bolters and power armour (both of which would be very heavy - 500kg minimum) is just not within the realms of any human body, genetically enhanced or otherwise.
    Going further down the swimming route, I think that any individual weighed down with power armour (which is supposedly quite heavy, given it's made from the same material used to protect tanks) is going to find it almost impossible just to stay afloat, let alone swim anywhere. Carapace armour would be more believable (especially if you say that it's been specially designed for swimming, with things like helium bubbles and aluminium alloys making up the material).

    For the record though, power armour is water proof, so walking underwater is certainly a possibility for your marines.

    You may want to expand a little more on the relationship between the Iron Hands and your chapter. It seems a little out of place, especially when common sense would normally say that bionics and water shouldn't really mix (I know that sci-fi bionics would be water-proofed, but weight would still be a bit of a problem).

    Finally, in terms of the depth of your fortress, a normal human can't actually survive going very deep at all before dieing from the pressure. Just 200m below sea level (which is also where light levels drop off to almost nothing) would probably do it. So your fortress doesn't need to be too deep in order to keep with your "normal human dieing due to pressure" bit.

    For the record, the deepest trenches in Earths sea are about 6km deep from memory, and most modern submarines cannot survive going deeper than 1km (although that's a bit of a guess to be honest - you might want to look into that yourself). I'm pretty sure the Japanese managed to get a robotic submarine (they're good at robots...must be the anime) down to the bottom of that 6km trench, but it was a real effort to do so.

    Now as far as the depth of your chapter fortress is concerned, it's certainly plausible to have it 6km deep or even more - I'm sure the 41st millenium is fully capable of building static structures capable of surviving that deep. Of course, your marine forces can't stay inside forever, and they are going to need some way of getting to the surface without imploding on the way. This isn't a criticism, but rather it's food for thought - something you could expand on when writing your chapter background.

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    hey man thanks for the review.Yeah i was thinking about changing some of it. They can still swim though. They are gonna have a specially made power armor for swimmming or thrusters that help them...something like that. But yeah thats just the start of my fluff and I still have plenty more ideas. keep the criticism coming.

  5. #4
    Son of LO darkreever's Avatar
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    Dranthar pointed out the large portion of your fluff with problems in it, so not much more to say there, but the random: the oceans contain important resources to the imperium is just not needed. They could contain every STC for all it mattered, your world is a chapter world so the imperium technically gets no right to take anything from the world as far as I've read about chapters and their worlds.

    Some really important things to ask:

    what founding are they from? (1-26)
    who was their succesor chapter? (which were they created from)
    who's geneseed do they have? (of the original nine loyalist legions)

    The three give an idea of the age, genetic variation, and origins of your chapter. (cause, as an example, blood angel geneseed is a lot more different than imperial fist geneseed.)
    Last edited by darkreever; January 13th, 2006 at 18:23.

    Take my love, take my land, take me to where I cannot stand; I don't care I'm still free, you can't take the sky from me.

    "The difference between gods and daemons largely depends upon where one is standing at the time."- Lorgar
    Member of the Fluff Masters Clan

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