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Please give me any feedback. Feel free to flame me. It makes me better.
The gangly cultist led his pitiful band of comrades up the staircase in the old, unstable, abandoned factory. The man turned and snarled."Don't do anything until the master tells me."
"Why does the master only order you...." One of them challenged back.
"Because I'm the only one who can hear him swine! Now silence!" he barked back. The leader struggled as he hefted the Krak missile into the loading tube of the stolen Launcher. The pathetic little being that was named Beezley, had been the first to fall under the taint of Chaos. He had led many others to his cause under the guide of his “master”.
The weak man set up the Anti-Armor weapon up on its bipod. The little cultist was almost impossible to see positioned in the abandoned factory.
The Valkyire Armored Flight Carrier Echo, or AFC as the grunts called it, made its daily ascend through the old factory sector of Kimunia.
“Riots everywhere” voxed in the pilot sarcastically. He enjoyed pissing off Command whenever he could get away with it.
“Emperor’s sake Jonesy, what’s wrong now?” asked a one Private Nadel.
“I’ll tell you what’s wrong you stupid greenhorn!” he spat at the Private. “Im missing an entire Armory of weapons!!”
“APC Echo come in.” came a voice through the small voxcaster next to Pilot McKenzie.
“Echo here command.” replied the pilot.
“Echo be advised weapons have been stolen from Armory IV. If you see any hints of open trouble locate it and report it on your way back.”
“Will do command, Echo out.” McKenzie finished.
“What we doin’ McKenzie? The navigator questioned
“Gettin’the hell outta here!” the now stern pilot replied as he came to the end of the intersection of the city block that connected to the courtyard.
Beezley lay in wait, patiently awaiting the Valkyire to come into his firing path. His master had taught him much about the Imperialists' ways. The cultist felt his master’s voice seep into his head as he lay....
“Ahh, I see my little vermin is doing as told.” a croaked voice replied.
“Of course master.” the cultist chirped happily as to hearing his master’s voice again. The Valkyire came into the Cultist’s firing range. In anticipation of pleasing his master, the cultist hammered the trigger to the launcher. The missile missing the ship by some divine protection.
“EMPEROR ON EARTH MCKENZIE!!” the navigator screamed.
“Frag this, lets get the hell out of here!”
“What’s going on up there Pilot?” a black clad man asked calmly from the back.
“We’re taking missile fire!” the navigator screamed back. “BUCKLE UP!!”
The black clad man sat back down in his seat and motioned to the other similarly clad men to do the same.
The cultist cursed himself for clumsiness as he loaded another missile.
“FOOL!!” the voice ricocheted through his mind, giving the cultist a splitting headache. “Quickly fool, quickly!” yelled the voice in the feeble cultists mind as he clumsily loaded another missile.
“LETS GO MCKENZIE!!!” the navigator again yelled as the pilot made a 360 degree turn in the courtyard.
The cultist again pulled the release on the launcher. A loud explosion that knocked Beezley off his feet told him he had scored a direct hit on the AFC.
The Valkyire’s ****pit took the entire blast of the missile. Killing McKenzie and the navigator immediately. The valkyire spun out of control hitting the corner of the factory, then landing violently onto the concrete below.
Sergeant Davis dazed and very much confused unbuckled himself from the crashed valkyire. He looked around his men were either shell shocked or dead. He felt for his always present hellgun it, wasn’t there. He rifled about for it. His heavy weapons specialist Morias tried rousing the remaining men of Echo Squad.
“Report Morias.” Davis called out as he picked up his Hellgun and attached it back to its pack.
“Nunez is unconscious and the rest are dead sir.” he replied as he checked the ammo box in his Heavy Bolter.
Davis walked outside and surveyed the perimeter, then called back to Morias “Get on the horn, report our position and tell them were en route to base.”
“Should I ask for a ride?” Morias replied back.
“No... the area’s too hot for evac.” the sergeant informed him
“Where...?” Morias asked as he scanned the area.
Davis motioned for him to come out and look up. Lasgun fire tattered about their position. Davis raised his hellgun and returned fire. “Pick up Nunez and lets go!”
Thats it! thank you for reading my intro.
Last edited by Odysseus; March 16th, 2006 at 11:30.
das ist very good :9
I'll go out on a wild goose chase here if you don't mind.
I like the way you've used suitably dramatic language without moving into swearing (see other post.) Very good balance.
The cultist needs more explanation, in my opinion. Is he a genestealer cultist? A chaos cultist? (It's obvious it's the latter.. it just needs more elaboration.) Who is the mysterious voice in his head, and why is it focusing so intently on his actions? Where is the rest of his cult.. Surely he didn't raid the armoury alone?
You overemphasise his weakness, I think, as well.. The genuinely weak don't survive in the service of chaos.
Last edited by The_Giant_Mantis; March 5th, 2006 at 00:28.
i didn't add it because its the introduction and i didn't want go give to much away. but thank you for the feedback. Yes you are right on the weak issue but i just wanted to define the absolute like corruptness in him.
Last edited by Odysseus; March 5th, 2006 at 00:44.
not bad, its an intresting start
Rheagar fought nobly
Rheagar fought valiantly
Rheagar fought honorably
And Rheagar died.
I like it, a few things though
-"His heavy weapons specialist Morias tried arousing the remaining men." you probably meant to say roused here (unless Morias was putting on a striptease or something for no reason )
-You said in another thread that this was an assignment, if that's the case I'd suggest explaining some of the slang and terms. Especially what an APC is, the same with a PDF. Explaining these the first time you use the term is a nice way to avoid confusion or anybody going through the whole story thinking one thing is another. This gives you a lot of opporotunity to really show off your writing style by bathing the story with details. Talk about the craft itself, the paintjob, how the engine had been giving the pilot trouble the last few times (not saying it did, but little characterful blurbs like that can do wonders for making a good story a great story).
-When you are shifting vantage points like you did, the key is to try and make these transitions as smooth and logical as possible. I'm not saying you did anything wrong here (I was able to follow ok) but a more obvious transition is always good. Some writers go so far as to noticibly mark off the seperate sections in different fonts or italics or what not. Tom Clancy's books usually have a trio of asterisks between paragraphs when the viewpoint is changed, don't do that but make it really, overly clear. Or, if you want you could just have the whole intro from the Cultists' viewpoint, with the radio chatter obviously coming from a scanner his unseen master is using within earshot.
Good job, keep it up:yes:
"And any man who comes through this fight mostly unharmed will be my sister! It'll be free frocks and jollies for ever, you'll see!"
- Rome: Total War
9th Black Watch (Imperial Guard) 4000 points
Red Corsairs of Khorne 2000 points
Space Wolves 13th Company 2000 points
thx for the feedback. yea your right i should mix in wat PDF is and wat an APC is even tho APC is a commonly used military noun. but yea definitley thx for feedback from all!w00ps....-"His heavy weapons specialist Morias tried arousing the remaining men." you probably meant to say roused here (unless Morias was putting on a striptease or something for no reason )
I really liked it,
I don't mean to dig up an old post (although it has been dead for 8 days.) but I just wanted to say it was a nice read.
As with you little grammatical error, it was actually quite funny to read it ^_^
And if it is an assignment, which I just took from the what Ubernyaw said, you really should explain terms. And also the APC, since it is nothing like ours on the moment, and you know it!
The only thing which really set me off was that how 1 measly, measly, measly cultist could break into the facility. You should have added the other culitist (with the lasguns) to the story earlier.
It's a good story mate, a bit of tweaking here and there but it's fine.
yea much tweaking needs to be done im going to fix it up once i get to my dads house. Because i really don't feel like writing it on notepad.
i don't mean to double post but i want to kick this up as i updated it!!! ^^^^^