update on my story... Into Oblivion - Warhammer 40K Fantasy
 

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  1. #1
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    update on my story... Into Oblivion

    If you want the intro to the story go here
    http://www.librarium-online.com/foru...ort-story.html (Introduction to short story)
    PLEASE GIVE ME REAL FEEDBACK NOT THE FAKE CHEESY STUFF LIKE
    thats gay or thats good real constructive feedback please


    Ten Years Later.....

    Lieutenant Steven Davis’ knee joints cracked as he bent over to sit in the main lobby of the Lord General’s makeshift headquarters. A mortar made impact with the overly thick plascrete ceiling, causing dust and other things to settle in the air of the room.
    A voice yelled out from the general’s quarters. “Send him in Jonesy ”
    “What??” the man behind the mountains of pict-screens yelled back.
    The Lord General muttered a various amount of curses towards his moronic aide and the chaos pigs shelling his command. It was only a weeks time until more reinforcements arrived and he needed something, someone, anything to keep the remaining PDF’s morale up. The Lord General was fighting a losing battle and he needed help. The portly old man got out of his stiff wooden chair and walked out into the lobby, “Davis, get in here son ”
    Davis grimaced as his knees again popped as he got up to follow the Lord General to his quarters.
    “Davis sit down ma’ boy ” the general lightly “motioned” Davis into a chair opposite his desk.
    “Davis times are rough, as I’m sure you already know, we’ve been losing five percent of the planet every month, reinforcements are just a week away, we need to boost our men, give ‘em sumthin’ to fight for ya know?” lectured the general.
    “Yes sir, I do.” came the reply from the emotionless Lieutenant
    “Well, Davis, do I have the job for your boys.”

    Heavy Weapons Specialist Morias grabbed the plate out of the fat “cooks” hands. “Don’t like it don’t eat it ” the “cook” spat at him.“Same garbage as ever” he murmured to himself as he sat down with the smallest individual at the mess hall tables.
    “Oh what are you so down about big man?” a man as skinny as a pole yelled at him
    “Nunez, you’d look really funny with that womanly rifle stickin’ outta’ your-“
    ”Cut the crap men, I got our next raid.” cut off Davis.
    “So LT what do the geniuses at command have for us today?” asked the ever ****y Nunez
    “Nunez your lucky I ain’t a commissar.” replied Davis
    “Oh come on, spit it out man.” The little man replied.
    “Alright, alright...............

    Davis walked down the Valkyre's cramped hallway checking each of his two men's Grav-Chutes. "ALL CLEAR!" He yelled out to the pilot up front.
    "PREPARE FOR RELEASE!" The pilot yelled back
    Davis returned to his release point and the pilot triggered the release hatch. A red siren went off on the ceiling of the small ship. "Nunez your first!"
    "How else would it b-" he was cutoff by Davis releasing the harness keeping him from gravity. Nunez released the activation stud on his gravchute keeping him from falling to his death.
    "See ya on the ground Morias" Davis yelled over the siren.
    "Yea, yea."

    Last edited by Odysseus; March 23rd, 2006 at 22:17.

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  3. #2
    Member GreyKnight6962's Avatar
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    really cool, I just wish there was more to the previous story. It's like you had us really going, but cut off right before a battle scene. other then that, way to go man!

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    Member Captain_HaZ's Avatar
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    impressive, its realistic, believeable, quite engrossing for something so short

  5. #4
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    it will be updated as i write more im just going through wat i have now and cutting off wat is not needed,,, more will be up shortly

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