21st Experimental - Genesis [long] - Warhammer 40K Fantasy

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  1. #1
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    21st Experimental - Genesis [long]

    This was the time before the cursed 21st founding.
    Experiments were carried out on human subjects with mixing different geneseeds.
    The spacemarine chapters produced during the cursed founding were almost normal,
    if compared by the experiments that failed. What almost nobody knew, is that some of these failed experiments
    actually fled the laboratories where they were created. This is the story of one group of survivors.


    The guards stationed on the asteroid were told to let nobody through. Even so, he passed right by them without them even
    flinching. Carefully disguised as a Magus Biologis servitor he strode down the long, well-lit corridor of the lab complex. He
    walked up to a door on the left side of the corridor from the entrance. The door was unlocked, and the small tablet on it had
    the word "Storage" engraved. He pushed the door slightly and it opened. He walked into it and picked up a large crate. He did
    not care what it contained. It was only a part of his disguise now. He compressed himself, pusing he crate up on his
    shoulders. Now nobody would think of him as an outsider. Nobody would notice a servitor carrying a heavy box of supplies. He
    left the storage room and continued down the corridor, towards the main laboratory complex.
    In a cell in the depth of the asteroid Razakel heard the slid of the metal tray with food slide under the door. He had lost
    track of time by now, but he knew that he was not here for long. He had not felt a need to sleep, but ate everything the
    guards fed him through the massive plasteel door. They never talked to him, only looked with amazement. Sometimes a servitor,
    or a biologist watched him, taking notes. Razakel tried speaking to them but they did not response. As if they did not hear
    his screams, or see him slamming his fists into the door. He was obviously stuck in his small cell forever. But he would be
    proven wrong very soon.
    The Magos Biologis overseeing the experiments were not pleased. All 100 zygotes were defect in some way. Geneseed of
    different Astartes chapters was clearly not compatible with each other. Half of the human subjects that the chemical
    solutions were administered to died in the matter of weeks from uncontrollable mutations. Most of them had grown tumours that
    spread thoughout their bodies. Emperor's Mercy had to be given to them, because even the hardened minds of the biologists
    experimenting could not take the screams that shook the asteroid. After being implanted with all neccesary organs the zygotes
    were placed into tanks with nutrient solution for growth stimulation. Some of them died during that stage too. Head Magus was
    enraged. This time they lost precious experiments due to the incompetence of servitors: the marines drowned in their tanks.
    There only remained 5 zygotes now. And they were locked upp. Their behaviour was not normal. It was not allowed for a
    spacemarine to express emotion like compassion or kindness. The marine in cell 2 was crying all the time. The only reason for
    his execution being delayed was that he grew larger than everyone else, without suffering penalties from the enlarged muscle
    and bone tissue masses. His genetic code bore marks of tree primarchs. His hair had fallen off, his skin changed tone to a
    lighter one, so he seemed almost pink. The food he ate had tranquilizers in it, so he would keep calm. Head Magus feared that
    the subject would break down the door to his cell and kill the guards. All he did now was sit and cry in his room. The other
    marines also had to be sedated.
    Head Magus was looking on the pict-viewer feed from Subject 13's cell. 13 had already broken seven of the hidden cameras, and nobody knew how he found them. Even worse, nobody understood how they broke down. One camera was left though, and Subject 13
    was staring into it. Head Magus was being openly mocked by a naked prisoner. A freakish looking prisoner too. Not only his
    body had grown. The volume of his brain was bigger now. Head Magus suspected psyker abilities, but was not sure. Other
    psykers reported only normal warp presence from Subject 13. Head Magus rubbed his chin and stared on the screen. The figure
    sat on the floor, unflincing.
    - Now, what are we going to do with you? Head Magus uttered.
    - Give him to me!
    Head Magus turned around. A servitor stood inside his office, with a crate cloth on his back. The scientist's brain was
    processing why a servitor was there.
    - You are not allowed in here! Get out! Head Magus started studdering.
    - Your authority does not concern me. Give me the keys!
    The servitor dropped the crate on the floor, and threw off the dirty remnants of a cloak he was wearing.
    - Emperor protect...!
    Seconds later Head Magus was sitting in his armchair, with an expression of peace on his face. He was not breathing.
    The man previously in disguise was now running through the facility, towards the cells. His cloak was gone, and so was the
    seeming immunity to the guardsmen's eyes. Guards stationed through out the asteroid now noticed a rather short and slim man,
    all dressed in black dash along the security monitors. He knew of that, and therefore was in an extreme hurry. He was not
    worried about guards, since this was a secret installation, and not that many guards were placed. Two of them however,
    decided to block his path and open fire. Their lives endes a little slower than the Head Magus. The little man in black
    rushed up to the first guard, and spin-kicked him into the chest. Still in mid-air, he grabbed the nozzle of the second
    guard's lasgun and spun it out of his hand onto the floor. He dropped to the floor, agile as a leopard. The guards recovered
    and turned around, only to be stabbed into the neck with their own knives. The killer had pulled them out with extreme ease,
    without the owners noticing.
    He continued running down the corridor, deeper into the asteroid. Finally, he entered the prison. A servitor wired with
    various fast firing guns only started turning, but was stopped in the process by a thrown knife through the temple. Before he
    hit the cold concrete floor the assasin was already at the controls, pushing the Magus key into the terminal. The lights on
    the 5 doors changed from red to green. Reluctanlty the plasteel slabs pulled themselves upwards revealing the minimal cells.
    Immediately, sobbing was heard from the second cell from the left.
    The little man in black cleared his throat:
    - Come out! You worthless pieces of meat!
    Nothing happened, and the sobbing continued.
    The man was not pleased by this behaviour and went into the first cell.
    The door slid open. Razakel was surprised by this. He almost got frightened by the presence of an other person near him, so
    he backed up to the wall of the cell. The assasin walked in. Razakel felt a weird sort of comfort when he saw the short man
    in the black outfit. Razakel tried to speak to him.
    - Who are you?
    His words seemed alien to him, since he has been silent for so long.
    - Who I am does not matter. My master sent me here only to save you from a certain death. You do not really think that you
    would live for long in here?
    - I do not know where I am. I only remember waking up in here.
    - And i suppose you haven't been sleeping?
    - No. Should I? Razakel suddenly was confused. Sleep seemed like something normal, but still unfamiliar.
    - The Catalepsian node is working fine then. Go fetch your friends, and I will take care of clothing.
    Razakel looked down on his body. Clothing was a good idea, he thought. The numerous scars on his body were frightening. The
    skin on his back was dark and leathery, and did not sence touch. Razakel was no longer under impression that it was normal.
    He stepped out of his prison cell and saw four other naked spacemarines come out of theirs. They looked very different. A
    tall and broad man with baby-white skin looked at him with big eyes filled with sorrow. A rather short and slim spacemarine
    with a deformed cranium looked around nodding to himself, as if he already knew what the other prisoners looked like. Two
    feral-looking marines stood right in front of each other, looking rather fearsome. One of them was covered with hair, had
    long toes and fingers which ended in claws, and had large fangs in his opened mouth. The marine standing opposite him was
    also bestial. His skin was scaly in some places, he had no visible ears, an elongated face and deep dark eyes.
    - Gentlemen! Here are your clothes.
    The newly freed prisoners looked across the room at the entering assasin. He carried 2 crates of supplies, one under each
    arm. He opened the crates and handed out guard uniforms to the marines. Surprisingly, the clothing fit well on their
    different bodies.
    - Where are we going? Will you tell us who you and your master are?
    - My master is long forgotten. And I have no name, for I am like you not a human. You are going to travel far. Soon this
    facility is going to selfdestruct, and destroy all evidence of it's existance. Since master has some kind of plan or scheme
    for you, i am instructed to get you out. Follow me, brothers.
    The assasin started walking down the corridor. The marines looked at each other. Something new just opened up for them. The
    world they lived in before shattered and a new one opened itself.
    - Are you coming or not? echoed from the corridor.
    For the first time in his new life, Razakel smiled. He started walking after his liberator. The rest of the marines followed.
    Some minutes later, a small cargo ship left the asteroid, which already had begun shaking from the explosions. The
    Experiments had left the laboratory.

    Last edited by zenarion; April 16th, 2006 at 23:56.
    I'll go out on a wild goose chase here if you don't mind.
    *Chasing geese*

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  3. #2
    Son of LO The_Giant_Mantis's Avatar
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    It's really nice.

    You need to sort out the structure a bit, currently it's showing up on my browser with a lot of new paragraphs in the wrong places, which makes it difficult to read.

    My only real problem is with the assassin, since I don't think assassins serve individual masters. The only piece of fluff I've read concerning this is the bit in the chaos codex where the assassins are dispatched to kill the Chosen of Abaddon, but in that case they just seem to be given orders by the bureaucracy of the Officio Assassinorum. It does take the command from a high lord of terra (or an Ordo Sicarius inquisitor acting on the behalf of one) to sanction use of an assassin though, so maybe this is what he means.

    That said, he is presented really well. Maybe a bit cogent and human considering that an assassins upbringing really consists of competing with others for the right to live, lots of nasty chemical baths, bionic augementation and so forth. But you've really bought across how deadly assassins are, which is great. Just bear in mind they're inhumanly strong as well as fast, kicking a guardsman in the chest would probably shatter his ribcage.
    Last edited by The_Giant_Mantis; April 17th, 2006 at 01:18.

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    Senior Member Brother Ares's Avatar
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    I really liked it . Do you have anymore or are you still working on the next part. I would like to read more about Razakel and find out what primarchs' gene-seed he has.
    «Ares is the only way to be happy.»

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    woops. forgot to state that the assasin person is not an assasin in the official sence of it. he is just a vessel through which a certain entity operates. just could not find anything else to call the guy, without revealing his identity, or his masters
    Last edited by zenarion; April 17th, 2006 at 16:18.
    I'll go out on a wild goose chase here if you don't mind.
    *Chasing geese*

  7. #5
    Wolf Scout Meltagunner Wulfbanes's Avatar
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    Nice to read. Also, the name assassin seems misplaced to me. For some reason, I cannot see an assassin as a short man. An assassin to me is a long and slender person, for that's the atletic build.

    I liked it very much, it nicely build up so It wassn't an intensive read from the start. One comment though, it is not that believable for gen-mixers that mutations where not killed directly. Although, It is not an obstructing factor in the story, I might keep it in mind.

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    Senior Member The_Ghost's Avatar
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    A good start to capitalize upon.

    I find your story needs to be reworked on several levels. Though it is a good start it is as a raw gem, needing to be cut and polished to truly shine.

    #1: Rework the structure. Those line disjoints make it much harder to read than it really should be. Also spell-check it in MS word or another advanced spell-checking program.

    #2: Replace all instances of Assassin with Agent or Operative. Assassin has a very specific meaning in 40K and its use for something else in this case is confusing.

    #3: Tighten your style, expand your description. There are several points where you use entire sentences to explain the obvious, drop them. Replace it with more detail about the people and the scenery. Give the Characters expressions; let them seem more like individuals and less like faceless servitors here just to be props in the story.
    This last point is the crucial one, the others can be ignored, but this is a deal breaker.
    For instance, the death of the two guards. Have things like the Agent making a snap decision to whether to kill the tall fast looking one or the broad muscular one first. Give us details on the magos, his expression slipping form outrage at the intrusion to the peace of death. Even the walls and floor can add to the story, describe them as gritty or clean, painted or raw metal.

    All in all you have a strong beginning here, but it still needs some grinding and maybe a bit of the chisel before you will have a finished piece. Keep going, I want to see how it will shape up.
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