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  1. #1
    kinkeh secks pl0x?! Brother Tiberius's Avatar
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    My 1st ever Fluff

    Well hey guys and gals,
    today i signed up to this really helpful website (librarium-online) :shifty: and ive read and looked and admired alot of Fluff on this forum, so i thought! what the hell! ill have a go.

    im writing about my Black Templars. It will ofc have reference to the up-coming Cityfight campaign my local shop will be holding (not a GW shop as they closed GW Luton..)

    Tiberius stared out into the dark black abyss. He knew somewhere there were Chaos that were accumalating, he could sense it...

    "... Tiberius .... Tiberius... we know your wavering... we know your secrets... we know what you once were..."

    The voices halted.

    There stood Brother Rapheal, clutching his ancient power weapon. An ancient Artifact given to him during the defence of Cadia.Rapheal was a Chaplain. Fearless, tough and Headstrong. The Light of the Stars bounced off his pitch black armour. Rapheal had been with him since the beginning. Since that faithful day when he had failed to ...

    "Tiberius, you seem troubled. Don't worry the Crusade is nearly complete. and then we will be redeemed... we will be Forgiven"

    "I no Rapheal, I no."

    "Do you remember that day Tiberius? The day where this all came to be..?"

    "Like it was Yesterday Rapheal, it Haunts my dreams."

    I turned, and walked hurridly out of the command room of the "Dawns Edge". I could not Bare to think about what had happened. I was but a young Marshall then. A young Irational fool. The Battle Brothers had begun to try my patience, everywhere i went they were there. saluting. Never Faulting, it made me sick. Why couldn't i of been like them when i was younger? Then i wouldn't be on this crusade...

    To be continued

    this is as far as ive gotten so far.. due to severe writers block etc.

    (i have lots of ideas about the twist in the story)

    critique is always welcome! come on hit me with it.


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  3. #2
    Son of LO The_Giant_Mantis's Avatar
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    It's a very good start.. Your spelling and grammar could maybe use a little tidying in places, but that's minor. I like the idea of black templars screwing up and not being perfect.. well.. just because.

  4. #3
    Riddle Me This The Count's Avatar
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    note that you tell the story in 3rt person, then at the last paragraph swich to to 1st person, using i adn me
    and isnt tiberus the name of the ultramarines guy, or is that tigrus

    other than that i like it, very good, please continue soon

  5. #4
    Zed
    Zed is offline
    Senior Member Zed's Avatar
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    Pretty well written. You add more character to the them by showing them as people who have messed up rather than super perfect elites.

    and isnt tiberus the name of the ultramarines guy, or is that tigrus
    tigirus is the name of the ultramarines chief librarian, but I think its perfectly ok if two space marines happen to share the same name in the whole of the imperium.
    "DICE FOR THE DICE GOD!"

    And the almighty Dice God said to his followers "Thou shalt not speak ye words "anything but a one" For thou whoever'st speaketh this blasphemy will be cursed with thy rolls being of one".
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

  6. #5
    kinkeh secks pl0x?! Brother Tiberius's Avatar
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    **improved and a bit longer** <insert more writers block>

    Tiberius stared out into the dark black abyss, that was the Eye of Terror. He knew he would be entering it soon. He could sense the presense of a demon enetity. He knew somewhere there were Chaos that were accumalating, and he would be there un-doing...

    "... Tiberius .... Tiberius... we know your wavering... we know your secrets... we know what you once were..."

    The voices halted. They had Become a Frequent accurance everytime he came close to the Eye. He had alwyas had a bad experience with the Eye. But none such as this. He had never heard voices.

    There stood Brother Rapheal, clutching his ancient power weapon. An ancient Artifact given to him during the defence of Cadia. Rapheal was a Chaplain. Fearless, tough and Headstrong. The Light of Stars bounced off his pitch black armour. Rapheal had been with him since the beginning. Since that faithful day when he had failed to ...

    "Tiberius, you seem troubled. Don't worry the Crusade is nearly complete. and then we will be redeemed... we will be Forgiven"

    "I no Rapheal, I no."

    "Do you remember that day Tiberius? The day where this all came to be..?"

    "Like it was Yesterday Rapheal, it Haunts my dreams."

    Turning quickly, Tiberius walked hurridly out of the command room of the Millenia old Battle Barge. He could not Bare to think about what had happened. He was but a young Marshall then. A young Irational fool.
    His Battle Brothers had begun to try his patience, everywhere he went they were there. Saluting him, as if he was perfect, amazing, brilliant... it made him sick.

    "Why couldn't I of been like them when i was younger? Then i wouldn't be on this crusade... Then I could help with the amassing orks near Medusa V".

    "Honourable Marshall.. we have Located the Barge.. it's heading Towards the Eye"

    "Follow them!"

    He looked up to the alter in his dark, gloomy scroll ridden room. There stood candles in every conrner of the alter. The alter drapped in the finest of silks from the outer worlds. And there in the middle of the alter stood an amazing, glowing, ancient Thunder Hammer. The hammer he had dispatched so many of Traitors with. The hammer that would act vengeance on the ...

    "... Tiberius you bare the mark, on that day you try so hard to forget. The Day you have for so long trapped in your mind. We had a connection...."

    Tiberius awoke. A deep cold sweet tamed his body...

    "Was it a dream? or was this something else?"

    Standing Tiberius Clutched his Ancient Artifact and made for the command room. When he approached he was presented with the view of the barge, the enemy he had become to hate so much, the... the.. these abominations. Rapheal looked onwards staring at the incoming Barge. Not flinching. Breathing lightly. Never Faulting.

    "arrr Tiberius you have awoken, We have been locked in combat for some hours now. Would you like me to Lead the Boarding Party?"

    "You may Join me in the Boarding Party. But I will lead our brothers to Battle."

    Both Marines turned and towards the Transport station. But Tiberius hung back. He had a throbbing pain in his head.

    "...Tiberius... come to us... we know you can hear us...come to us."

  7. #6
    Drills baby. Da Mighty Camel's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Brother Tiberius
    "arrr Tiberius you have awoken, We have been locked in combat for some hours now. Would you like me to Lead the Boarding Party?"
    Is he a pirate?

    It's nice, keep it coming!

  8. #7
    Senior Member Luminaru's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Da Mighty Camel
    Is he a pirate?

    It's nice, keep it coming!
    Thats it!!! My new Space Marine Chapter: Pirates of the Emperor! ARRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!:shifty:

    By the way good fluff, keep it coming, you have inspired me to write some of my own :sleep: (About the Chaos Legion I am about to start. :ninja: )

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