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This is the first time I've ever considered creating my own chapter not to mention creating the background for it and how it was formed.
Let me know what you think. But please be kind. I know some of the names sound a bit cheesy but I ain't that good with names maybe you could suggest some!
A waging war between Imperium and on Ork Waaagh! kicking up dust from the ground, as well as spraying and flooding it with green and deep red blood. Body parts lying around discarded from the ownerâ€™s body. A red sky with streaks of fuel from missiles, jump-packs and drop pods.
Feenix Cloud. A Veteran Space Marine. With accompanied by librarian Phallus and the Chaplin known as Cthulhu at his side on what was to be an easy mission that ended up being a huge scale battle against the formed Waaagh! Charging through the Orks one after the other the Veterans, Librarian and Chaplin cut and dismember through horde after horde of Ork until a monolith begins to rise from the ground. The Necrons have arrived.
Along with a Necron Lord and a monolith, the hordes of Necron Warriors, Wraiths, destroyers and heavy destroyers emerge from the monolith and march upon the Orks wiping out every one of themâ€¦. The space marines all look on stunnedâ€¦
â€śThis is worse than I thoughtâ€? Phallus calls out with surprise. â€śThey are Necron! Not of the living or the dead.â€?
â€śWe must have awoken them!â€? exclaimed Cthulhu.
â€śWho cares they are killing the Waaagh!â€? Feenix says unknowing the Necron true purpose.
â€śAnd we are next!â€? Phallus turned a spoke with a tone of urgency.
â€śThen lets get them before they get us!â€? Feenix said loudly â€śFor the Emperor!â€?
Feenix Cloud charges forward along with his squad of veterans, toward the Necrons, with his chain-sword raised high above his head giving off a distorted battle cry. Cutting their way through the Orks that still remained. Scattering them as they charge through the Ork ranks toward the slow marching Necron army.
Seeing the Necron Lord in the distance and a taste for blood in his mouth Feenix jumps shoulder first into the first squad of Necrons, pounding on them with his chain-sword with sparks flying and with his other hand firing the plasma pistol, aiming at the Necron warriors heads, melting them off.
The Necron lord sees the veterans burning through the warriors and menacingly makes his way towards the falling Necrons and the Space Marines.
A drop pod hits the ground shaking it and knocking everyone slightly off balance in a small radius of where it landed. A Terminator Assault Squad bursts out from the pod and charges at the Necron lord. Destroyers start firing at them failing to knock them down or halt their charge. Finally a squad of wraiths halt the progress of the terminators, killing 3 of them. The final two continue the charge while one drags a fallen wraith by its tail.
Feenix joined by Phallus and Cthulhu continue the charge toward the Necron leader kicking scarabs and standing on Necron body parts that are slowly pulling themselves together. A Destroyer stops them in their path.
The remaining terminators reach the Necron Lord after destroying several squads of Necron Warriors. One is blown apart by the Destroyer blocking the path of Feenix, Phallus and Cthulhu. Itâ€™s Thunder Hammer falling to the floor with a thud! The Lightning Clawed Terminator reaches the Necron Lord only to be cut in half by his bladed staff.
Feenix jumps to the back of the destroyer and vapourises itâ€™s head from the back. Jumping off he rolls past the Necron lord and ends up on his front on top of the Thunder Hammer. He feels a sharp pain in his low left side. He knows that it was the Necron lord and that the lord is stood right behind him.
Grabbing the Thunder Hammer as he picks himself up and swings it with both arms as if he were doing a hammer throw from games of millenniaâ€™s ago. He connects with the Hammer knocking the Necron Lords head clean off its body. Both fall to the floor and the Necrons fade out.
The Marine is critically wounded and taken back to be seen to by the apothecaries. They pronounce him dead on arrival.
There will be more as I write it.
I hope i've posted in the right area too!
Im still convinced Im gonna like this chapter!
First off it was a good story a little plainspoken but I got the main point just remember that your writing about warriors who make mortal men crap themselves and can take on daemons from other realms without fear. Also the wording of some of your sentences needs work for ex. A red sky with streaks of fuel from missiles, jump-packs and drop pods. this should read -a red sky streaked with lines of fuel from missiles, jump-packs and drop pods-
Now as for your charechters I love the chaplain the name Cthulu !Genius!:w00t: also the commanders name very nice. A final thing that I really thought was great was the talk about the hammer toss of yore, rememberr your trying to flesh out your chapter for everyone else these extra details really draw people in. Also post some basic info about your chapter before the fluff does it emulate any specific society japanese, nordic, byzantine. Also it dousn't hurt to write up some extra stuff about your charecters they can really set the stage for the rest of the army.
Overall not bad though the overall feel of the story kind of made me feel like it was a battle report and not a peice of fluff next time a good tip is not to refer to squads. I give a thumbs up! ver ygood for a first try my fluff was one of my first posts here:http://www.librarium-online.com/foru...ht=My+new+army (MY SM Army)
"They shall all taste OBLIVION!,.....which tastes like Red Bull, which is disgusting."
This chapter is a successor chapter of the Dark Angels.
Also just to note.. that the Hammer thing with the necrons is where the Hammer comes into it when the chapter is formed... ie this is pre chapter formation.
Still writing that bit.
Tis a battle with chaos and being shot in the back by Cypher (hence their reason for being there and link to Dark Angels.)
Ah another brother angel a good thing to see. Though it seems you are confused brother Cypher is not the true fallen. (look for alternative theories on who cypher is I like it better the the generally accepted version, its a topic of a lot of interesting discussions.)
"They shall all taste OBLIVION!,.....which tastes like Red Bull, which is disgusting."
How do you mean???? Please explain!
Also I never said Cypher was working with chaos just that he shot the chapter master in the back and killed him..
Cypher, also desginated Fallen 001 by the Dark Angels, carries a sword that the Unforgiven Chapters believe is the Lion Sword, which was once wielded by Lion El'Jonson during the Blind...erm...Great Crusade. Needless to say, it's an artifact of incredible religious significance but for some reason Cypher has always been able to evade capture and seems to be moving in the general direction of Terra. What will happen when he gets there, no one knows, but there are two theories. The first is that he will damn the Imperium for all time by killing the Emperor and the other is that he will be the Dark Angels' ultimate salvation when he draws the broken sword and presents it to the Emperor, at which point it will be made whole and the Unforgiven will be redeemed. Then there's also a third theory that Cypher will kill the Emperor in order to sever the connection between his body and soul so that he can pass into the Warp and be eventually reborn.
Either way, no one knows exactly what Cypher's motives are.
So in effect Cypher ain't chaos like the Dark Angels believe???
Well like I mentioned the chapter master gets shot in the back by Cypher... but the motive is unknown.
But as i think about the background and where the Phoenix Angels come from, I'm coming up with new ideas and things which means small bit would be changed.
cypher was never a member of chaos he uses them occasionally the same way a chaos lord uses a daemon weapon (meaning with a prayer on his lips and hope in his heart that today won't be the day the blade turns on the weilder) and to my knowledge he isn't one of the fallen i beleive he went 'rogue' and is now trying to redeem the fallen bretheren what that entails is gw's guess
"take my love, take my land, take me to where i cannot stand, i don't care i'm still free you can't take the sky from meee" ;- firefly
"i'm gonna grant you your greatest wish i'm gonna show you a world without sin" ;- serentiy
"I am a leaf on the wind, watch how i soar" ;- serenity
Sounds like he's a bad person then.
Does that mean he is Chaos then?
Games Workshop has deliberately left it up to you whether Cypher has truly turned to Chaos or not. Don't take my word or anyone else's for it - you can read his fluff and decide for yourself whether he's going to redeem the Dark Angels or cast the Imperium into darkness.