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I'm new to Warhammer, and from the start I knew my path was to follow the Greater Good. Everything from the battlesuits, to the tactics, to the fluff, it all clicked for me. So I present for your criticism my commander:
Shas'El Ar'ava D'ran Ein
('El D'ran Ein, or Captain Death Falcon)
Bio: A young commander, D'ran has only been in a command position for two years. Placed in command of small scouting force for the Third Sphere Expansion, he found his first battles at a small, yet habitable moon of a gas giant, Atrious. The 9th moon in the planetary system, it's orbit meant that it was subject to approximitely three fourths a terran day cycle (9 hours of light, 9 hours of dark), followed by eighteen hours of dark as it's mother planet blocks out the sunlight. The vegetation has evolved to compensate for this low-light environment, and the forests feature almost flat ground of huge leaves that encompass the entire canopy. The animals are almost all nocturnal, with extremely good night vision.
A large portion of the planet is desert however, the moisture being locked into 'pockets' by rings of mountains that dot the moon's unique landscape. There is one ocean, and several fresh water lakes outside these rings, but they are few.
El' D'ran was assigned to a joint-sept task force sent to investigate the moon, and if possible set up settlements. When the armored convoy of Hammerhead tanks and devilfish mounted firewarriors sent to make the initial survey failed to report in, El' D'ran and several other captains were assembled to fan out and assess the convoy's situation.
El' D'ran's first battle was against a small band of Eldar raiders, who were quickly subdued and sent back with another scout force that had already completed it's search to the Manta dropships.
However, the small band couldn't have seriously damaged the armored Convoy, so the scouts pressed on without waiting for reinforcements, a grevious tactical error made by the young Tau. Soon they encountered a ragged band of Imperial Guard, and through a translator that had been sent specifically for the purpose of conversing with Terrans encountered, learned that the rest of their force had been destroyed by a force of 'Space Marines' for examining the wreckage of the Tau vehicles and investigating the weapons too closely. Claiming the Imperial soldiers were 'tainted by xenos' the Space Marines mercilessly attacked and routed the unsuspecting Guardsmen.
Setting up a line, El' D'ran radioed back for support, but the Marines, led by their Librarian were already upon them. To make matters worse, the initial fighting caught the attention of a unit of dormant Necron Warriors and their Lord.
In the intense fighting that followed, the scout force's Devilfish was shot down easily by the strange weapons of the Necrons. But the Kroot, who were so often looked down upon by other commanders charged without fear or thought of their own safety at one of the warrior groups, weathering several volleys before crashing into and cutting apart the Necrons. Unfortunately, the Space Marines had snipers in place by that time, and seeing the Necrons (Whom they'd been sent to destroy) torn apart by Kroot opened fire with all available weapons, cutting down a full half the unit.
By this time, 'El D'ran was fighting off the other unit of warriors, using the walls of a small fortified position for cover as he dodged in and out, trying to eliminate the skeletal soldiers. The firewarriors mounted in the Devilfish fought bravely, but were cut down to the man. Finally regrouping with the Kroot 'El D'ran decided to make a last stand and hope that reinforcements would come. Another volley of sniper fire seemed to cut down the Kroot, damaging D'ran's Crisis suit, and exposing him to the wrath of the Necrons.
As they raised their weapons though, a lone Kroot, the last, leapt from his hiding place and roared, shaking his rifle in the air before trying to charge the Necrons, crying, "For the Greater Good!"
But the last, brave Kroot was eliminated, striped atom by atom to nothingness, and then the Necrons turned their guns on 'El D'ran.
Only because the Space Marine snipers opened fire on the Necrons did they not finish off the wounded commander, instead turning to fight this new, greater threat. Later, the reinforcements arrived, to find only 'El D'ran by the remains of his ruined battlesuit, surrounded by a horde of dead Kroot...
After recovering from his wounds, El' D'ran was reassigned to lead another force. Though many Fire Caste commanders felt he was incompetant by getting his entire force killed, he was given a second chance. He respects the Kroot greatly, never forgetting the brave Kroot who's last words were "For the Greater Good!", and as such the Kroot under his command respect him back. They feel more like equals with him, instead of being looked down upon by other commanders.
So what do you think? Yae or Nae? I'll add more later, out of time now.
"My capacity for hard work is immense. It's my willingness to do said work that's lacking..."
Fluffmaster Clan Member
Shas'El A'ava Mont'Ein D'ran O'Kroot - Tau Fluff HERE
Your writing style is very nice, and story flows quite well.. But you don't need to include every single race in the 40k game. The eldar, for example, could very easily be left out without damaging the story.
I really like how you haven't overplayed the fluff significant of the Tau. They're just naively straying into a fight which is well outside their experience, and suffer from it, but also learn from it. That's very nice, and it's very Tau, I think.
You could also possibly make some phrases a little more dramatic. For example.I almost missed this on the first read, which left me confused. Make it a bit bigger and badder sounding.. for example.Originally Posted by ProfessorCurlyIt's nice to see the kroot playing such a prominent role. Kroot are cool, enemies are tasty.Suddenly the ground heaved upwards as skeletal metal creatures began to push their way up through the soil all around the skirmishing warriors. To their horror, the Tau and marines alike realised their fighting had awoken the ancient horror of the necrons who had been sleeping below the planets surface.
I don't think the Tau high command know about Necrons very much.. They might not believe the necrons were there at all, and thus might try and dismiss El'Dran as a crazy idiot, or as suffering from battlesuit neurosis. This would make their anger towards him at having lost his unit more convincing.
Last edited by The_Giant_Mantis; September 1st, 2006 at 17:48.