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  1. #1
    Member Lord Ezmar's Avatar
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    My army commanders history

    Hailing from Isan-Gar, a densely populated world in the Segmentum Tempest. The Swords of The Emperor have a fortress on every continent of the planet, except on the main continent where they have there fortress monastery. The Swords also have several smaller outpost fortresses, on smaller worlds in the Segmentum. Isan-Gar was not the original home world of the swords, it is in fact thee second. As there original world was destroyed by the Tyranid hive fleet, making it’s way through the Segmentum. The chapter master Lorgar estimated that they would make there way straight through Isan-Gar, so The Swords of The Emperor made a stand at Isan-Gar with a Regiment of the Iterian 109th Rifles. The Imperial forces managed to fight off the tyranids but at a large cost to the marines. The High Lord of Isan-Gar, offered them the opportunity to settle on Isan-Gar and use it as there home world. Lorgar accepted and the rebuilding of the chapter commenced. They are only now up to full strength. At the outset of the medusa V, the 5th company was rerouted on there way back to Isan-Gar.

    Ezmar came from the continent of Isan-Magna the second largest continent of the planet. During the fight against the tyranids he was only a child of 11, when The Sword came to his village they found only Ezmar firmly gripping an arcane rifle and an ancient power sword, The Swords took the child with them back to the main hive, while on the return to the hive the sergeant of the squad saw a smoke cloud billowing up in the distance, he gave the order to investigate, upon arrival they found Logar’s personal rhino in flames, and under attack by a swarm of tyranids, the sergeant gave the order to attack, Ezmar was instructed to stay near the rhino, he stood there and watched the marines charge into the lines of the tyranids firing and slashing as they went, but soon he noticed the marines were out numbered, he rushed into the rhino and manned the storm bolter pumping explosive shells into the lines of the tyranids, he saw the sergeant fall a Tyranid hunched on his chest, it drove it’s claws down through the chest dropping his sword and Plasma Pistol, the marines were starting to tip the balance but they were still out numbered three to one, Ezmar stepped down from the storm bolter and ran out of the rhino, unsheathing his power sword, he ran in slashing his sword left and right, slaying and dismembering tyranids where ever his sword landed, soon he was surrounded by tyranids as well, soon he was back to back with Lorgar, fighting for his life, he dodged a killing blow from a gaunt, he reversed his sword and drove his sword through the back of the gaunt pinning the gaunt to the ground. He pulled his sword free, he turned round seeing Lorgar knocked to the ground. A Warrior was about to deliver the killing blow when Ezmar dove forward, sword raised, his sword connected with the warrior slicing one of it’s talons off, the warrior swung it’s remaining clam round, slashing Ezmar’s side, he dropped to one knee, bringing his sword up to block a downward stab. He forced the talon away, he stood back up, only to be hit in the chest by the warriors tail flinging him several meters, he landed with a crunch, and screamed realizing that one of his ribs was probably broken. He propped him self up on his elbows, he saw the warrior striding towards him, he reached round for a weapon, his hand closing on the handle of a pistol, he brought it up and fired, sending a bolt of plasma, hitting the warrior in the head, melting the warriors head, it’s body slumping to the ground. Ezmar forced him self to stand up, he walked round the battle field blasting the pistol as he went, he blasted a Gaunt from it’s feet, he heard a hissing behind his he swung round, seeing a Gaunt, he brought up the pistol and fired winging the gaunt, he swung round looking for another target, but suddenly found himself looking at the sky, he gazed round and saw a Gaunt about to drive its claws through his head. He closed his eyes and made his peace with the emperor. He heard a shout and then a loud screech. He opened his eyes and saw Lorgar crouched over him calling for an apothecary.

    He blacked out, and woke up 10 hours later, to find Lorgar sitting next to his bed. Lorgar informed him that he was part way through under going the surgery to become a space marine. The apothecary came into the ward and informed Lorgar that Ezmar needed to go into surgery to perform the final part of the process.

    Ezmar Quickly rose through the ranks of the space marines, he passed out of the 10th company within 1 year off becoming a scout. He was then inducted into the 5th company where he was placed under command of Sergeant Augmen. He was soon given his own squad to command. He soon achieved veteran status and was placed into the 2nd terminator squad. And after the campaign to reclaim Janvina from the orks, he was promoted to sergeant of the first company. Under the command of Lorgar he was given command of the 5th company, to battle the Tyranids on Windasor.

    After a recent engagement in the valley of death where the 5th company slayed a substantial number of Tyranids, Captain Ezmar was further promoted to Master of the fleet, after the previous Master of the fleet was killed in a freak accident in a ritual duel on Isan-Gar.

    'It's Not Retreat, It's a tactical withdrawl, Sir!' Sgt Carasen to Commissar Howe

    'Fall Back, Fall Back!!!' Vet Sgt Kalon
    'I thought our regiment never fell back sir' Pvt Grem
    'Well why don't you explain that to the nice horde of Xenos scumbags that are closing in on our position' Vet Sgt Kalon

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  3. #2
    Member GrandMaster Mortis's Avatar
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    its good except that you are making a boy of like 11 stand up to beasts that kill space marines each day.
    Chaos is a decison not a life

  4. #3
    Member Lord Ezmar's Avatar
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    thanks

    Yeh i was a bit unsure on the age but i couldnt make him much older otherwise he'd be to old for the surgery, to become a marine
    'It's Not Retreat, It's a tactical withdrawl, Sir!' Sgt Carasen to Commissar Howe

    'Fall Back, Fall Back!!!' Vet Sgt Kalon
    'I thought our regiment never fell back sir' Pvt Grem
    'Well why don't you explain that to the nice horde of Xenos scumbags that are closing in on our position' Vet Sgt Kalon

  5. #4
    Member Baldemyr's Avatar
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    Not really. He would be too old as a Fenrisian-but perhaps other marine chapters have slightly more advanced methods.


    Heck, with my marine chapter, I went with all the members must have fathered children first ( keeping their genes swimming)- remember that tech levels across the Imperium run the whole range...from barbaric to super advanced. In terms of fluff destruction, im sure this is such a minor one it wouldnt annoy anyone.

  6. #5
    Son of LO darkreever's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Baldemyr View Post
    Not really. He would be too old as a Fenrisian-but perhaps other marine chapters have slightly more advanced methods.


    Heck, with my marine chapter, I went with all the members must have fathered children first ( keeping their genes swimming)- remember that tech levels across the Imperium run the whole range...from barbaric to super advanced. In terms of fluff destruction, im sure this is such a minor one it wouldnt annoy anyone.
    However GW did make sure to note in the creation of a space marine that the new members need to be of the age of puberty. Being much older or younger than that and the body and brain would be unable to cope or adapt to the changes and new organs/;implants.

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  7. #6
    Sadomachiatto Karmoon's Avatar
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    Lorgar...

    Why on earth is the primarch of the Word Bearers helping followers of the false emperor?

    I must say, .. 11 year old kids beating up big gribblies is a bit of a turn off for me. It's as bad as jurassic park. Ok apologies, maybe not that bad.

    I say give him some more time growing up and getting promoted.
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  8. #7
    Senior Member The_Ghost's Avatar
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    Ok, dude your charictor is DEAD.

    only to be hit in the chest by the warriors tail flinging him several meters,
    anything which has enough force to 'fling him several meters' will shater an eleven year olds spinal column/skull which is FATAL. The kid is dead.

    Also if he was doing as much damage to the swarm as you discribe he would be singled out to be killed.

    All in all I think your Story suffers from Exream Mary Sue-ism and neads a total overhaul.
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  9. #8
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    Yikes! Harsh reviews, people. I would offer that Warhammer 40,000 is, to a great degree, a fairly far-fetched realm to begin with. While it may seem extremely ridiculous to propose that an 11 year-old child might be able to fight off such insurmountable odds and survive such punishing blows to their body, I remind you that Warhammer 40,000 is a fictitious setting where demon-things possess people from their alternate realities and people's skulls fly around with laser beams coming from implants in the empty eye sockets.

    In other words, the story does not seem to be a stretch to me, given the far-fetched nature of the universe we're dealing with. One could always say "The Emperor blessed him" and see that as effective justification for the boy's ability to survive. Or he could have fallen into the protection of a Chaos god unwittingly, who wishes to see the boy reach some sort of apex where his life will bring great benefit to the god.

    The problem of the age of the child could easily be sorted out. Just edit the "11" to a "13" and you maintain the canon about what age a human can be inducted into the Adeptus Astartes. While one can argue that a boy could, with divine intervention, do what is described in the story, there is no aguing with biology. A kind being turned into a Space Marine at that age would have one messed up physiology when he hits puberty. But it's very easy to fix with the replacement of "11" to "13".

    I'll give the story another read. But, in my opinion, it was well done and the reviews might be just a tad bit too harsh.

  10. #9
    Member Alaric's Avatar
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    The age thing really is the only thing. The Austrian is right though, W40k is extremely far fetched to begin with, so with a stretch, I can believe your story.

    However, you might want to work on your actual writing skills. There are many grammar and spelling errors, that can be easily fixed.

    Good luck
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  11. #10
    Member kshrike's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Austrian View Post
    Yikes! Harsh reviews, people... But, in my opinion, it was well done and the reviews might be just a tad bit too harsh.
    Agreed! He posted this up for opinions and for people to alter and fix it, not to make him feel bad.

    Anyway, I think the age thing is a teeny problem. Maybe a bit older would be better, about 15 or 16. Also make it so he didn't get hit as hard by the warrior, maybe knocking over. It would make the story more believable.

    Great job though, gave me some good fluff ideas.
    Last edited by kshrike; December 30th, 2006 at 07:05.

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