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[I wanted to create some fluff for my new Drop Troop army, this is my first attempt at making fluff. I would appreciate any correction/suggestion on where to go with this. My next steps are to improve the history, to justify the doctrines, and to explain the organization. Thanks again!]
[Also, the starting Army List can be found here: http://www.librarium-online.com/foru...op-troops.html ]
First Macharius Rapid Deployment Joint Task Force
In 40,386, the newly appointed Lord Commander Solar Macharius began his conquest to reach beyond the Astronomicon and to the old boundaries of the Imperium. The Lord Solar re-conquered the worlds of Lands End, Morbellum, and Jalfrezi III when he decided there was need for a mobile force capable of responding to universal contingencies, but to be established without diverting forces from the Cadian Gate or the reaches of the eastern Segmentum.
The Lord Solar created the Macharius Third Army Group to serve as the tip of his sword. The concept was to develop an army that would operate independently, with neither forward base nor the facility or friendly planets. Conceived as a force with universal orientation, Macharius’ Third assembled. Over the next seven years, thousands of planets would fall on the western crusade with the combined efforts of his armies.
In the large organization of the Third Macharius existed the 20th and 21st Rapid Deployment Force (RDF) regiments. These select groups were well trained in ship to ship boarding actions, and fighting in concert with orbital support given by the Lord Solar while ambushing the many worlds during the conquest. Primarily, however, the Macharius RDF was the first response to the unexpected threats on the edge of Imperium space. Rarely in combat for more than a few hours, the RDF groups gained a reputation for suicidal domination in the name of the Emperor.
It was 40,395 when Macharius ordered the advanced technology world of Adrantis V destroyed by a redirected comet. After two years of constant fighting the Third Army was left in ruin. However, the RDF forces who were not suited for the sustained operation were left to fight in other operations, and thusly were the only surviving part of the once huge Third Army.
Left with nothing to do with the surviving detachments, Macharius created the First Macharius Rapid Deployment Joint Task Force (RDJTF). It was an honor of any man in Macharius’ crusade to join these ranks, as it was indication of a devotion to the Emperor only the Saints could match. They continued in limited operation with Macharius’ greater Second Army until 40,399 when the crusades ended.
It is said that when Macharius learned that he would be unable to conquer any more worlds in the name of the Emperor, he fell to his knees and wept. With the death of the Lord Solar in 40,400 his generals fought with each other, undoing the great work of perhaps the greatest commander ever in the Imperium.
All fought internally except the RDJTF, who in a unspoken pact to Macharius, continue to push at the limits of space. To this day, the last remaining regiments of Macharius’ RDJTF fight with the same devotion, speed, and suicidal fervor in the Emperor’s name.
Last edited by double.bind; February 25th, 2007 at 10:45.
"40,386" should be "M40.386" apply this to the other dates you list
"unexpected threats on the edge of Imperium space" should be "unexpected threats on the edge of Imperial space"
"After two years of constant fighting the Third Army was left in ruin" needs a comma. "After two years of constant fighting, the Third Army was left in ruin"
the word "thusly" is not normally used. switch to "thus"
not a bad piece of fluff. just those minor corrections.
Member of the Fluffmasters Clan
It's not a bad idea, but it would be difficult for them to carry on after Ultima Macharia. Macharius was convinced to turn back by his generals because of a lack of men and resources as well as burning them out. If there was enough left for a regiment at all I'm sure he would have carried on.
And how do they get about? The Imperial Navy, who partly forced Macharius' hand, control the ships they would be using. The Guard haven't had their own transports since the Heresy.
It's a nice idea, but has a few problems that need ironing out.
Lyran I think you're seriously missing the point of what he asked here - I mean corrections as far as the context is concerned, grammar and punctuation though extremely important aren't necessarily paramount here. - I think you're a bit of a detail nancy in that sense ^_~ (no offense intended of course) There's nothing wrong with the way he wrote his fluff, it's understandable and easy to read and quite a good read. Not to mention the fact that there are many, many authors out there who have their particular style of writing and that's what makes them who they are. Take Philip Athans, take R.A. Salvatore or non-fantasy writers such as Dee Brown or even Hemingway. I thought you said you wanted to be a writer, not an English teacher.
Besides, I'm fairly certain that double.bind gets good marks in his English class (if he takes one) and his teachers haven't found a problem with the way he writes. Also, I know I might be blowing this up to huge proportions but I fear that what you might be doing is highlighting the bad and none of the good in a near 'nitpicking' fashion. And personally I don't find it would help double.bind too much. Perhaps just tick him off.
That being said, please don't take any of this the wrong way. It's simply an observation that I've picked up on. You say you enjoy reading people's fluff, well then enjoy it ^^ Make comments on the story, what you think they could add, what you admire about the current text and suggest things that he could perhaps remove as well even. - But don't knock him down with a thousand and one grammatical errors. I know I might say 'There's a mistake here' sometimes but only because it's either blatantly obvious or hard to miss (which is the same thing).
Remember he said 'Critics' as in, someone who analyses your work and gives you feedback on the context in detail. Not 'correctors'.
Last edited by Adahn; February 26th, 2007 at 12:10.
The Ancient Powers of Chaos, go where they please...
Dusk Phantoms - Chaos Space Marine Fluff!
well personally i just hate having grammatical errors in my own fluff. i think it detracts from the writing and try to go for perfection. with that said, yes double-blind did write a nice piece of fluff, and i'm sorry if it sounded nitpicky.
Member of the Fluffmasters Clan
http://www.librarium-online.com/foru...ck-troops.html (First Macharius High Altitude Shock Troops)
In this one I briefly change some elements: they become volunteer, I change the name, I create a place of tranining at Macharia.
I also consider making them a special op group within Ordo Xenos (This could also be used to explain that Ordo Xenos 'stole' the regiment before they were exhausted totally by Ultima Macharia?). Do you think some Ordo Xenos Inquisitor could have them transported around?
I kinda was thinking of loosely tying them with Deathwatch, and operations in the Damocles Gulf... but anyway, I think I say all of that in the other thread!
eh... double post.