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Firstly i'd judt like to say that this is my first time actualy writing fluff for an army, and after having tinckered around and finaly come up with a colour scheme for my new SM army, i decided it might be fun to write a bit of background for them.
Any criticism will be welcome as long as it is constructive critisicm, and i will admit now that a few things may seem a little strange, though i will hopefully try to clear up any confusion with future posts on my armies fluff (though i can't realy promise there will be more)
Anyway, there are two parts to it, the first from a log recorded by the Chapter Master of the Shadow Dragons and the second an account of events by an imperial guardsman defending his world agains chaos forces.
Well enough of my chatter for now, i hope you enjoy these two little bits, and any questions you have, please feel free to ask :p
Log titled "Raise of the Emporers Chosen"
By Chapter Master Drizkan Incarius
None know how or why, but that day changed the lives of all aboard the Battle Barge "Dragons Fury", that day three factions; the Witch Hunters lead by Ordo Hereticus Iquisitor Lord Aracon Sotaris and Adepta Sororitas Canoness Maria Incarius, the Demonhunters lead by Ordo Malleus Inquisitor Lord Zarion Feidor and Grey Knight Grand Master Caldar Seynar, along with my fellow brothers and the last of our long forgotten
chapter lead by the Chapter Librarian Luthius Draconia, Chapter Chaplain Mosari Turoth and myself the Chapter Master Drizkan Incarius, where to experience the ravages and horrors of the Warp Storm.
The Battle Barge "Dragons Fury" was to be host to a meeting between our then Chapter Master whos name eludes me even to this day, and Inquisitors of both the Ordo Hereticus and Ordo Malleus. Due to some unseen circumstance I was elected to take the place of our chapter master who was unable to attend.
The meeting was to be held to discuss the findings of an artifact located on one of the moons Sephos VII, it was by coincidence that our three forces met upon the moon, though our target be the same, our objectives couldnt be more different. The meeting was to determine the fate of the artifact, though the Inquisitors first thoughts were of fighting over the artifact, it was by the Chapter Masters hand, that the meeting was
However the meeting was never to take place, for upon the eve of the meeting our Battle Barge "Dragons Fury" along with all those that were aboard her were to be struck by ill fate, for a Warp Storm was headed our way, and being surrounded by the ships of the Inquisition and their rquisitioned forces, there was no escape for the "Dragons Fury" and it seemed that our existance would end.
However fate was to be an more cruel than ever before, for rather than being destroyed the demons and other horrors of the warp storm, the Battle Barge and all aboard her were to be held in stasis fo several millenia, where upon our release from the Warp Storm and the stasis we were to be confronted by a terrible truth, fore we would be changed forever and hunted by those we once protected.
The Warp Storm had forever mutated our bodies, some to small extents, others to larger.
All that has happened to those aboard the "Dragons Fury" has been kept aboard the "Dragons Fury" for if any on the outside were to know of our existance we would be hunted down and destroyed, a fate that none would wish for.
Though be it a sign from the Emporer himself or a madness that had taken over all those aboard the "Dragons Fury" everyone from Inquisitor to Scribe, Librarian to Battle Brother, all came out of stasis with the same images and messages implanted within their memories, that of the Emporer himself before the Horus Herasy, standing tall and proud beside ustelling us, that we were his "Chosen Warriors" and it was unto us that the human races very existance relied upon.
Since that day, Inquisitor and Space Marine alike have become as close as can be, for even the Inquisitors could not go back to their old ways. From that day we were to be tied together by destiny and believe in the Emporer.
The ravages of the Storm not only took away our humanity, but also the memory of who we had once been, it was now up to those of the highest rank amongst us to decide on our course of action, though this was difficult as we no longer had a Chapter to call our own or a Chapter Master to command us. The decicion took many long months of discussion, but the dicison came to a close, and I Drizkan Incarius was to become the new Chapter Master, and it was unto myself that a new Chapter would be born, a Chapter of those who had been cast out of humanity, and those whose very existance was to be hidden. I decided upon the name "Shadow Dragons" after the legendary creatures we now physicaly resembled.
By the Emporers will, we go forth into battle to destroy the enemies of humanity, be they chaos spawn, alien or heratic. And so we go forth striking from the shadows to deal the Emporers wrath upon our foe, only to disapear back into the shadows once again, all in the name of protecting humanity, those who would destroy us should they ever find out about out existance.
Account of events on Krasius Prime
By Imperial Guardsman Lieutenant Maris Weisenhoff of the 312th Company
It is a day I will never forget, I was stationed amongst the ruined buildings along the only road leading to the main power generator in the city. We had been under fire from Chaos forces for the past 36 hours with no signs of a stop to the onslaught, untill the gunfire suddenly went silent. Thinking this to be a trick we were told to hold our grounds.
We waited 2 hours without hearing anything from where the Chaos forces had fortified themselves, eventualy the seargent ordered me and 4 others to scout ahead to see what was happening. Adamant about heading into what we thought was certain death, myself and the others crept forward staying in cover as much possible in order to protect ourselves against any incoming fire.
We eventualy reached the Chaos forces positions, only to find they had been killed to the man, with this we signalled to the seargent that it was safe, when he appeared he was just as disbelieving at the scene before him as we were.
All of a sudden we heard gunfire up ahead on a road leading towards the 312th Companies barracks, our barracks. At this the seargent ordered us forward, with the fear for my brothers life lending me speed, for he had been posted to defend the barracks we arrived to yet another scene beyond believe. There before us stood the armoured bodies of 5 Space Marines, decked in black armour with red and gold trimmings on both armour and bolters.
At their feet lay the bodies of dozens upon dozens of foul Chaos spawn and traitor Guardsmen, but the horror was when the only one of the Marines not wearing a helmet turned to face us, he looked at us with eyes of a serpent, and whose flesh from around the eyes to the top of his head and further back was covered in scales.
Looking into those eyes I was terrified, and before my very eyes as those Marines walked of into the buildings, it can only be described that they somehow melted into the shadows, and upon inspection of the there was no sign that they had ever been there.
No one believed me, not at first, who would, Space Marines with the eyes of serpents and flesh covered in scales. It wasn't untill reports had come through from other areas of seeing the same thing, and also of Dreadnaughts appearing from the shadows only to destroy the Chaos forces and then melt back into the shadows whence they came.
It is said that there was a message spoken to Commissar Reinhold Zweizen, a message that brings both confusion and fear to those who witnessed the massacre of the Chaos forces.
The message was:
"We are the sword of the Emporer, the sword that shall cut down humanities foes."
"We are the shield of the Emporer, the shield that protects the worlds and lives of humanity"
"We are the ones who have been entrusted with the Emporers will"
"We are the Shadow Dragons and we are humanities last hope of survival"
"We are the Shadow Dragons and we will destroy those who would harm the Emporers Children"
I remember that day, i shall never forget it, the horror of what those Space Marines had become and the horror of the impossible strength and abilities they possesed that none could possess other than the foul creatures of the Warp.
I hope that i never have to look into those eyes again for the next time i do, i surely will go mad.
The story is good ^^ Has a bit of a horror-tinge to it I believe, reminds me of that movie... umm what's it called ugh... damn - Event Horizon! That's it.
Anyway yeah this is your first story and it's good ^^ - You just need to polish it up a bit more, structure it I suppose, the spelling as well could use a tiny bit more consideration. And... well since I'm not a Fluflmeister I'll leave that to the experts to tell you more ^___^
thanks for the feedback, it was kind of a rush job, plus i was getting pretty tired towards the end of it, so i suppose i might have missed a few spelling mistakes and such :p
apart from that, i'll make sure in any future fluffs that i write i'l make sure there is a structure to it, it's been a long while since i last wrote a short story so i'll have to brush up on that :p
anyway thanks again and i hope i get a bit more feedback from other people :p
No problem ^^ - Again I like the story, the context - it's refreshing. And don't worry about people commenting, every Fluffmeister and Fluffmaker will eventually leave their thoughts. Even if they take a bit ^_~
The best thing to do when writing out large chunks of fluff like this is to use Word or any other processor that has a spell-check. That way you can save it and open it later to edit. Just paste it into the posting box when you want us to see it.
The concept is sound. The execution is kinda clumsy; the Guardsman's account reads like a historical document rather than a witness to something wonderous and horrific. The Chapter Master's account, besides the obvious spelling errors, feels too modern. Something like the history of his Chapter would be laid down all in mythic format, like so:
"And so it was that in the last half of 482.M39, the sacred and mighty Battle Barge Dragon's Fury of the hallowed Shadow Dragons Chapter, lead by myself, Captain Drizkan Incarius, in place of our absent Master, was to rendezvous in the Warp with the forces of the Holy Inquisition, lead by..." and so on. If it's an emergency log he wouldn't bother, but Marines are usually sticklers for tradition and a proper This-Is-How-It-Happened story would be a whole lot drier and more ceremonial.
On a completely opposite note, the Guardsman's account doesn't sound like it was made by a Guardsman. Especially that part about the Commissar; would a Commissar really go telling Corporal Weisenhoff that he'd been hearing voices in his head during their campaign against Chaos? No, he'd keep it to himself for fear of being executed for possession or insanity.
What you could do is rewrite that section, from the point of view of the Commissar himself, and put the whole eerie message thing in a far more paranoid note - sort of a "I have never spoken of that event until this day" thing. It'd also make the admission of fear a lot more important - for a bog-standard Guardsman to be scared is perfectly normal, but for a Commissar to admit fear means he was facing something pretty humbling.
The above poster = Totally a member of the Fluff Masters Clan. Click here for fluff pwnage.
Come, sons of LO! Kneel before Poodle!
Mr_Wayne: "Some people believe that the World Eaters do not field any ranged weaponry. Those people often die at a distance."
Thanks for the words of advice, just wondering now if i should create a new thread for it, or if i should just edit what i have already posted.
Also i am making the models for the army, which is going to be mainly infantry on foot and a few dreads, though i never thought about using Lizardmen parts, i was just giong to paint green areas on the flesh to represtent smaller mutations and convert the commanders to be a bit more reptilian like, but i think i'll have a try at using some Lizardmen stuff :p