Space Marines vs. Orks please give feedback

[Brother Captain Tom]

Ultramarines vs. Orks
Mission: Annihilation
Deployment: Spearhead

Space Marine Turn: Prelude
Over the com-link Brother Captain Tom heard the broken up voice of Brother Lieutenant Vorge say “Mayday, Mayday, Mayday this is Thunderhawk Gunship 112151 we have been hit on our approach and are going down, I repeat we are going down. Requesting immediate ground support!” Quick to react Captain Tom swung into action mobilizing task force broken sword. The gunship’s officer came over the com channel “Sir airspace is to hot ahead we have to drop you off 800 meters from the crash site” Roger that Lieutenant, marines lock and load, prepare to disembark” Captain Tom said over the com-link. The marines slammed a fresh mag into their holy bolters. As the gunship dusted off the marines quickly surveyed the surrounding area. “Move out marines, the ship is just over that crest” Shouted Captain Tom. Over the clearing the marines spotted the crash site. Captain Tom looked up to see a tide of green swarming to the crash site! “Brothers we must cleanse this area of these foul orks so we can retrieve our fallen! Brother Sergeant Christopherson flank to the east with your tactical squad!” Without hesitation Sergeant Christopherson ordered combat squad bravo to hold position and prepare to open fire with heavy weapons, he also took combat squad alpha with him as they moved to the east of the crash running as fast as they could. As Captain Tom pondered where to send his terminator squad, Dreadnought Bain advanced to the west of the crash seeing the ork deffkoptas speeding towards the crash as a major threat! Meanwhile Captain Tom joined ranks with the terminators and advanced them directly towards the crash site to secure it.

Ork Turn:1
Ork warboss Ghankiss K’han looked up into the sky and noticed a gunship flying fast overhead. “Da stoopid ‘umans ‘ave seen ar raidin party! Deffkoptas destroy it!” The deffkoptas quickly locked on and fired a salvo of missiles in an instant a huge cloud of black smoke billowed up from the gunship as it began to fall towards the ground. “ ‘Urry to da crash, dei ‘ave plenty of guns and bullets for us!” Shouted Ghankiss. The orks quickly began running double time to the crash site. They soon reached the site and saw some human space marines on a hill not far from the site. “Destroy da ‘umans! Dis is ar loot!” The green tide erupted onto the site! “Kill all that stand in ar way!” Ghankiss screamed. Ghankiss ordered a group of boyz to swarm the east. He then led a second group of boyz straight through the crash site. Meanwhile his deffkoptas flew onto the battlefield like angry hornets quickly changing direction towards the giant human war machine that was entering the battle field from the west! Their systems locked onto it, and they let loose with a salvo of rokkits. The first rokkit to reach the war machine flew just over the machines head! The second slammed right into its left arm, a large explosion erupted but the war machine was still standing seemingly dazed but for the most part unhurt, meanwhile the third rokkit hit right at the base of the legs and a second giant explosion occurred. Smoke and sparks erupted from the legs of the giant war machine. Leaving it unable to move any further.

Space Marine Turn:1
As Captain Tom and the squad of terminators advanced a huge explosion erupted to the west of their position they quickly surveyed the surroundings and saw a missile slam into the ground just below Dreadnought Bain. Over the com-link Captain Tom heard the gnarled mechanical voice of the Dreadnought say “Captain I have been hit and both legs have shut down and no longer in use!” Captain Tom saw the deffkoptas speeding towards the now immobilized Dreadnought. “Brother Sergeant Farshin we cannot allow our brother dreadnought to fall in battle!” Sergeant Farshin ordered his terminators to advance to support the damaged dreadnought. The terminators opened fire onto the deffkoptas with their deadly storm bolters but were only able to achieve one hit on the orks war contraptions. Black smoke started out of the deffkopta but was otherwise unhindered. The terminators with Captain Tom advanced onto the deffkoptas charging in to assault the hovering contraptions. The terminators and Captain Tom fought swinging their massive power fists and power weapons. Unable to destroy the deffkoptas they were however able to damage the remaining two, hitting one in the tail cone, and another in the main rotor blade. The return onslaught of the deffkoptas pitching their nose far forward the blades of their rotors became multiple fast moving swords cutting through one unlucky terminator’s armor and sending blood and bits flying. Meanwhile on the other side of the battlefield combat squad alpha opened fire onto a oncoming group of orks with a rain of bolter fire and searing flames from the flamer two orcs were cut down one shot with multiple bullet holes in the chest and head, and the other turned to ashes from the intense heat of the flamer! At the same time combat squad bravo had prepared its position and the marine carrying a missile launcher launched a missile into the heart of a group of orks with what appeared to be their leader leading this group. The missile hit the center of the group of orks shrapnel cutting deep into two orks sending them to the hell from which they came.

Ork Turn:2
Seeing the deffkoptas come under attack the ork nobz charged towards the terminators but it would take them a few minutes to reach the battle ensuing between the deffkopta’s and the humans. The deffkopta’s tried to strike down the human terminators. Unable to pierce the humans massive armor the deffkopta’s took one casualty as a terminator powerfist punched clear through the tail of the deffkopta sending it spinning off and crashing in the distance. Meanwhile the orks on the far east of the crash site advanced upon a small group of humans firing their weapons, and swarming into close combat with the humans. Outmanned the humans suffered one casualty as a mighty orks axe smashed through a human’s helmet splitting his head in two. The humans struck down two orks. The center mob lead by Ghankiss himself charged forward toward the humans shooting the rokkits at them. They fired with every weapon at their disposal, shot after shot bounced off the seemingly impenetrable armor of the humans until the ork carrying a big shoota blew a human’s chest wide open spraying blood onto his fellow humans. Ghankiss then led the charge. The mighty war axes and swords swung violently decapitating one unlucky human in a wonderful display of blood and screams. The humans retaliated felling two of the orks.

Space Marine Turn:2
Combat squad alpha was deep into combat with a seemingly endless swarm of orks. Two more orks fell to the Emperors chosen warriors one’s skull getting crushed from a bash of a bolter. Another’s insides spilled onto the battlefield as Sergeant Christopherson’s chainsword dug deep into its chest and stomach. The orks retaliated against the Ultramarines felling another with a powerful slash from a sword. Meanwhile combat squad bravo was being overrun, but the marines held strong and fought hard felling another ork as combat was raging on all around them. The squad lost another marine in the fight. The terminators continued to fight on with the deffkoptas. They shrugged off hits that would obliterate a lesser man. The terminators in turn felled another deffkopta with a blow from a mighty power fist. At the same time Captain Tom drove his power sword deep into a deffkopta and ran it through from front to back instantly exploding, and killing the pilot and the machine.

Ork Turn:3
Furious with the loss of the mighty deffkopta’s the nobz charged into the humans that felled them. The nobz were able to quickly dispose of one human. “To easy ar des pathetic ‘umans” shouted the nob as blood splattered across his face! The humans induced three wounds onto the orks. On the other side of the battle field the orks realized they were starting to fall in numbers and must destroy the humans here and now or they would not last the battle. Two more of the humans fell in combat, but not before striking down an ork of his own. Also Sergeant Christopherson fell two orks with the might of his sword and pistol. Leaving only one ork left in the mob! He turned to run, but was quickly caught and slaughtered by the sergeant! Meanwhile Ghankiss was busy with combat of his own. The humans weapons bounced off their skins as if it was rubber. On the other hand the onslaught was glorious as the mob slaughtered every last human. “VICTORY” shouted Ghankiss.

Space Marine Turn:3
Brother Sergeant Christopherson Saw that combat squad bravo had been annihilated. He began running for the biggest ork he could find. The terminators were taking heavy casualties from the fight there were involved in. Captain Tom glanced out into the battlefield and noticed his entire tactical squad had been annihilated except for Sergeant Christopherson. He joined the attack on the remaining ork menace engaged with him and the terminators he quickly fell one nob by slicing his stomach three quarters of the way open, and another by driving his sword deep into the black heart of this beast! At the same time the terminators shrugged off attacks with there superior armor. In turn the terminators delivered such force are power behind them that the last three ork nobz fell.

Ork Turn:4
Realizing that his mob of orks were defeated on the east and the west sides of the battlefield he was unsure what to do next. He noticed that one of the humans stood out above the rest. He knew in an instant this must be their leader. “Cut off da ‘ead and da body will DIE!” screamed Ghankiss. As he charged, followed by the ork boyz that were with him. He crashed into the humans with a hail of battle cries, flying bullets, and swinging axes. The humans lost another man in big armor. In response the humans fell two of the boyz accompanying Ghankiss!

Space Marine Turn:4
Sergeant Christopherson was closing in on the orks as he noticed they had charged into Brother Captain Tom and Brother Sergeant Farshin! He ran with every ounce of strength he had hoping to help turn the tide of the final assault of the ork menace. Without fear and judgment they threw everything they had at these final orks left between them and victory. The terminators brushed off wounds that would destroy a land raider. In the name of the Emperor and for their fallen brothers they destroyed all of the orks remaining except the largest ork of their group. The giant ork turned and began to run for the tree line from whence he came. The large armor of the terminators was to cumbersome for them to catch him and cut him down.

Ork Turn:5
Realizing the battle was lost Ghankiss quickly regained his own thoughts and pushed aside his fears from watching his entire mob of boyz get slaughtered at the hands of the humans. He would flee back to his tribe and gather the full strength of his Waagh! Little did these weak humans know they had been preparing to overrun the human base located on this planet and that this was just a small raiding party trying to find more supplies. As Ghankiss ran towards the tree line a large smile peered across his face as he thought to himself “Dees pathetic ‘umans dey ‘ad dis ‘ard of a time ‘gainst ma raidin party! Wat will dey do wen dey feel the full furry of ma waagh! Six tousand orks will fall onta dem an crush dem likes bugs!” With a giant roar he stormed into the tree line and out of sight!

Space Marine Turn:5
Captain Tom got on the com-link “Captain Tom to command” “This is command Captain, what is your status?” “Sir, we have a large number of fallen brothers on the field” “Roger that Captain hold position begin collecting our fallen, a support squadron of Rhinos and several tactical squads are en route to assist and collect” “Roger that sir”. Looking off into the distance he wondered why the giant ork fled, and why was he smiling. Something wasn’t right and he could feel it. He got back on his com-link “Captain Tom to HQ” “HQ to Captain Tom we read you, go ahead” “Send out beacons to scout one hundred miles north , north east of my location” “Roger that we will get on it immediately” “HQ to Captain Tom” “Go ahead HQ” “ Lord of Macragge Master Marneus Calgar is on his way with 2nd company and third company he says there is something vital and needs a full report from you in person when he arrives” “Roger that support is here my force is en route back……” to be continued…..

[Brother Captain Tom]

The last part is more of somewhere I would like to take this battle report since I have only played three battles and they have all been kind of a campaign so my next story/battle to this will be an extremely large scale battle which wont be for a while. Well I hope everyone enjoys this report hope its not too long! If you dont like the report please let me know and I wont post any more like it.

[sultansean]

Ok I'm going to admit I didn't read the whole thing, but I'm going to try and leave some feed back anyways.

It is a lot of writing I commend the effort and time you put into this. I normally really like story-reports but I feel like the writing is a bit much, at the start the marines are praying alot, and a "holy bolter" could just be a "bolter". Also people are running around with a lot of "fury" and "righteousness" in their eyes and actions. It also is quite a long report, lots of description at the beginning but later on it becomes shorter and a bit confusing with orks and hummies just smashing each other up.

Also starting new paragraphs would allow the dialogue to be clearer for the reader. And you could cut down on some of the exclamation points (only use them for really important things!).

Please continue to write this style of battle report since they can be very entertaining to read and I hope I have provided some constructive criticism. Another very useful thing would be to include pictures or simple maps just to allow the reader to follow along better.

Congrats on the Win and keep writing

Cheers

sultansean

[Brother Captain Tom]

Thanks that's exactly what I needed to know! The army doesn't teach me how to write and this is my first battle report. I'm going to go through and edit it on monday hopefully the new version will be better. We all gotta start somewhere.

[The Prince of Excess]

I'll echo the advice you've gotten, less writing. Also, don't need to make it bigger, that makes it appear like there's a ton more. You can gloss over some details like "My left most squad shot his Boyz and killed 7".

Pics are also good, not everyone has a digital camera, if you don't it's fine. No pics are better than awful camera phone pics.

Also show which parts are "fluff" and which parts are the actual game, some people like to skip the fluff. Using italics for the story parts works.

[Brother Captain Tom]

Ok I edited what I could without getting rid of the story feel to it. Its still extremely long, but its my first battle report so im going to go ahead and leave it at is. This was just me wanting to do a battle report for me to go back and read and give more of a story to 40k rather than just a plain old report. Other reports I will post wont be like this. Thanks for all the feed back and help. Never did a battle report like this so it was fun to do and fun to find out how to adjust fire. Well hope everyone enjoys the story aspect of it at least.