Fluff Wars! Rnd 2. Match 4. Sigelus vs TripleJ7007 - Warhammer 40K Fantasy
 

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  1. #1
    Senior Member Tashin's Avatar
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    Fluff Wars! Rnd 2. Match 4. Sigelus vs TripleJ7007

    Sigelus: Vampire Counts

    Under the starsCount Rathurst observed the raging battle before him as he sat astride Feltnir his terrifying, bat winged construct.“Is there no one who can provide me with any challenge?” cried out Count Rathurst to his necrotising companion.“Surely Master has no rivals who can match his power. Centuries of wisdom and experience have not dulled his senses, nor his strength,” replied Hengst from atop his decaying cart filled with fresh elven corpses and body parts. “See how recruits pile high to join his horde.”Feltnir snatched a pale thigh from the cart, tearing at it with its long fangs in grim mockery of the life it once had. Concentrating, Hengst reached out a withered arm to stroke his creation and the wounds to its scaled hide knitted closed leaving more scars on the patchwork torso.“Master has himself just defeated the princes of dragons. There are none more this night for sure.”A keen intelligence had developed within Feltnir over the years, sharpening its unnatural senses that Rathurst had learned to respect. Looking up through its red eyes Feltnir saw a feathered griffon flying towards them. Sitting astride it was a tall thin figure carrying a lance and shield with moonlight glinting from the scales of his armour.“A worthy foe!” cried Rathurst as he saw his challenger’s approach through his mounts vision. Understanding its masters intent Feltnir launched into flight, as eager to join the fight as its cold blooded master was.The Count quickly looked over the battle before he fought the enemy’s champion. The dark velvet of the night had settled in and had created a star studded blanket to cover the corpses of his foe. Soon they would rise again under his command to shamble to his glorious victory! Satisfied that victory was his he turned his attention to his challenger, whose pale face shone out like the moon.‘Can there be any blood left in this pale one?’Feltnir suddenly tucked his bat like wings in towards his body as he twisted and dove mid flight, avoiding most of the multiple bolts fired from the giant repeating crossbow. A feathered bolt splintered in its claws as it caught one passing him. Rathurst sensed the reaction before it happened, rode with the movement and looked upon what had dared to interrupt his passage.Smiling he spat out words in a guttural arcane language that few living creatures had ever heard. He did not stop to watch the effects and knew that those at fault would be torn apart by the decaying bodies that burst from the ground at their feet, remorselessly clawing at them and dragging them down.Rathurst felt no pain as the lance pierced what was once his beating heart. Feathered wings and the silver and blue of his opponents armour flashed past with a satisfied cry while the lance stuck firmly in its target.Unbalanced by its weight Rathurst grabbed the lightweight metal shaft and pulled it from his body. Amused by the sucking sound as it was finally freed from his body he threw it back at his attacker.‘This one is fast’.The elf’s mount easily dodged the casually flung lance as it flew towards its target. With a sword and shield that radiated light in his hands the elf charged again.Rathurst let his beastial nature come out as he drew his blood blade. His face contorted into a terrifying aspect and dull grey skin stretched forward over an elongated lupine mouth. Blades sparked as they clashed and the griffon raked Feltnir’s side tearing scales from its hide. Feltnir turned with supernatural speed and bit down on the griffons rump tearing out a chunk of horse flesh. The smell of the fresh warm blood dripping down Feltnir’s mouth drove Rathurst in to a frenzy.Lashing out his blade dug into the side of the elf and drank of its life force. As it drank the energy in the blade transferred to Rathurst repairing the hole in his chest where the lance had been.A shield slammed into Rathurst’s arm knocking the blade away from the wound and enabling his opponent to position himself better for the next attack. Without emotion Rathurst pressed his attack in on the elf’s wounded side, trying to batter down its strength with repeated blows on the shield.The shield buckled under the tide of attacks as the elf tried to recover its senses from the magical wound. Rathurst over reached as he missed his attack when the elf deftly manoeuvred his mount to one side. After, nearly falling from his seat that was constructed as part of Feltnir, Rathurst had his first taste of the light weapon wielded by his opponent as it bit into his neck.‘You are good. I have something special in mind for you now, death is too good for you my new friend!’Rathurst’s hands burnt as he grabbed the blade with his lifeless hand, pulling it from his neck. He grinned evilly at the disbelief in the elf’s eyes as he realised that he had not slain Rathurst. The blood blade was thrust into the elf’s exposed stomach and it healed the vampire’s neck wound as it gulped down more life energy.
    A ring on the elf’s finger flared with a light so bright that it hurt Feltnir’s eyes and the construct was driven back by its heat. Rathurst withdrew the blade as he was forced to retreat with his mount, the brightness of the light brought him out of his frenzy. Rathurst watched as the griffon flew its wounded master away from the combat momentarily unable to make Feltnir respond to his will. Eventually managing to spur Feltnir on, Rathurst easily caught up with the wounded griffon and slashed down, breaking one of the griffons wings.The griffon collapsed under the blow and crashed down towards the ground. Rathurst and Feltnir eagerly flew down after it to feast on the flesh and blood of the fallen.998 words plus titleRegards Sigelus.

    TripleJ7007: High Elves

    Story Time

    "Sit, please. Come by the fire. I don't bite." I pull a chair up to the roaring flame as he asked. "What brings you to this tavern young'n? You seem to have the adventurer look about you." He took a huge drink from his stein. Tugging his hooded cloak tighter he stares at me, not with anger but perhaps amusement. "I am no adventurer nor am I, a young'n, old man. I am 22 imperial years and more than enough of a man." I leave a hint of threat in my voice. "HA! HAHAHA! A man you say? Well let me give you a hint, young'n, if you have to tell people then you aint much of anything." He stood up and I saw perhaps for the first the sheer size of him. It was like someone put a humans face on an ogres body. He strode over to the bar and had a skeletal looking girl fill his stein up and hand him a another just like it. "Why is the tavern empty? Seems like a night like tonight people would be packed in here?" I ask him. "Daemon moon, towns people wary of nights like tonight. Legend says evil walks more easily these kind of night. Course a strapping young'n like yourself probably fears none of that, considering you've traveled here just to see me."
    "Here" he said thrusting the stein to me "this will put hair on your butt, cold of a night as tonight is you'll need it." I take a gulp and oh dear sigmar I think I've just drank hog grease. "Haha That first gulp is a doozy, no worries mate, once you take the first one it causes your tastesbuds to die." Ugh, my mouth feels dead and my gut feels far too active. I'll be sure to mark this down as something to never try again. "Why do you come to see me? Why would you activily seek out an old ruin climber like myself?" He stares into the fire. "I came to see you about the Nah'dul ruins." The boastful old man closed his eyes and seemed to shudder. I pressed on with my questions anyway.
    "What is there? Is it true that there is treasure there that no man could haul away in a months time with an entire army? What manner of beasts are there? What could possibly be in there to make even you, Tray Carren, the most successful and more importantly, alive treasure merchant in our time actually walk away?" He turned to me, slowly. He then pointed up above the fireplace and I saw what looked to be a sculpture of a sword, far too long to be carried with one hand. Slender, yet unquestionably deadly. "Know what that is young'n?" Tray spoke softly, "its the sword from a High Elf, a Sword Master of Hoeth to be exact." I am puzzled "Sword Master?" I ask him. "Aye, easiest way to explain it is to think of the Great Swords but with centuries of training. If you can grasp that you almost have a hint of how deadly they are" He took another drink. 'Why is that important? Sit and listen and all your questions will be answered."

    "It was not quite 3 years ago when I heard of the of the Nah'dul ruins. I had in my travels and trades come across many a map and trinket. Sold most, kept very few. Have no need for baubles. Others do and that's why I sell them." Tray's eyes seemed to wander off as if reliving his memories. "I had this map, I got it in a trade for some old Lustria gold. Normally I dont trade for paper but something in the mans face, I knew this map was good. Don't ask me how I knew but you don't get as much gold as I without trusting yer gut. So I take map and gather my gear and mule. Only other thing in this ruin searching business is my mule. It never argues or tries to backstab yah, better than any man I've worked with. Ha! Drink lad, it'll keep yah warm." I take another gulp, ugh. He was right, this does get better as I drink more of it. My head is feeling dizzy already.
    "So I travel about 3 weeks ride south of here, I'm not going to get exact with it because I'm saving your life by not letting you know . So i get to these ruins and I can tell they are elven. Even after centuries of neglect some parts still look clean. Amazing what they could do. Anyways I start to scout around, now mind you this is at night, very little moon, in the middle of beastman country. If I would have had some sense I would have left right then and there. Gold on the brain will make a man do stupid things young'n. As I'm scouting around I see what looks to be a building thats mainly intact, so I get my pack and some torches and head in. I always travel light, trust me on this. You hear tales of men fighting their way out of ruins or caves and think thats heroic. Let me let you in on a secret. If a man is telling you a story of how HE fought off zombies and wolves and whatever monsters creep in the night hes a liar. If hes able to tell the story then he ran away. Only way a man fights that stuff and lives is if he has 200 of his best mates with him. " He snaps his fingers and the serving girl comes over with a pitcher.
    "Fill his glass! He needs it!" H
    er hands seem so pale, my head is slightly spinning. I shall refuse his next request to drink I think. "So I creep to the building and the door is ajar, just enough space to squeeze in. I saw some stairs going down so I very slowly and quietly creep down them. Elves werent malicious enough to booby trap building lad but you never know what moved in. Ha! I get to the bottom and I swear I hear voices. Sounds like growling, I quickly doused my torch and pull out my glow stone. A lil' trinket I picked up in my travels.Just enough light to see without letting everyone know I'm there." He chuckled. "So I look around and see nothing but cracked stone, overturned pillars pieces of armor. Pretty much your standard ruin look. Still I hear voices, so I creep ever so quietly to where they are coming from. I come to a what seems to be a balcony overlooking some sort of throne room. I'm staying low just poking my head over and my god what a sight."

    "What? What did you see?" *hic* " Was it a dragon or-or-or a manticore or what?"
    I'm stammering, my head feels like cold oil. " No lad, it was gold and treasure, elven artifacts from what I saw from where I was. In the middle of the room was a High Elf, if he didnt have his sword flashing like lighting against the dreaded foe I would swear he was dancing." My heart is pounding, Trays words sounding as if they are coming from inside a tunnel. "Dreaded foe? What was it?" He glanced at the sword and grinned. "Vampire, my fool self had stumbled on a vampires lair in my search. Now I've run across a couple in my day but never awake. I hope to Sigmar I never do so again. They fought as if they were gods. The elf was a master, parrying every blow. The vampire launching attacks, feinting, attacking again and again. It was as if evil and good had finally had a showdown. I wanted to run. So help me I did but I could not turn away. I could only watch. I noticed the elf had a twinned tailed comet hammer on his side." I look up, "Twin tailed comet? Like sigmar? The elves worship sigmar?!" Tray laughed, throwing his head back his hood slipping some. *hic* He has some scar on his head, I must ask him about it. Tray sat up adjusting his hood so I could only see from his eyes down. "No boy, they do not. Only thing I could think of is maybe he either stole one or perhaps a warrior priest gave him one. I dont know. I would love to find out though." He rubbed his forhead scowling. "The elf was more than a match for the vampire but he was injured. Seemed like every cut he made on the monster it healed.The elf was not so lucky, his wounds stayed open. Almost like the vampire was draining him. It was horrible. I have no idea how long I watched this battle but the elf was slowing, his injuries catching up with him. He went for the kill and the vampire sidestepped him. He cut the warrior across his back as he stumbled. The elf fell. Gods I remember the monsters laugh as he knew he won. They both knew the wound was fatal. The elf wouldn't die though. It was like something drove him. The vampire picked the elf up with one hand and brought him face to face. I'll never forget his words." "I've never tasted elf blood, is it as sweet as they say? hahaha!" "That elf just stared at him with such hate, he was speaking, I tried to catch what he said but could only get pieces. All I heard was," "promise....delivery...fire..beast." Tray stared at the fire rubbing his forehead. I'm on the edge of my seat, very much drunk but its like his words cut through the fog of mead. "What*hic* happened?" "Hell broke loose lad, the elf brought that hammer from his side and hit that beast right in the middle of his head. The sound was like you
    stepped on a rotten apple. The beasts scream echoed. Gods did it echo. The set of ruins came awake it was if the elf unleashed something far more evil by killing the vampire. I hauled ass out of there, I jumped that mule and didnt stop until I got here."
    I notice my stein is empty and try to set it aside but Tray sees it also. "Girl! More mead!" he bellows. "No no, I'm good." I try to wave the girl off but see acts like she doesnt see me and keeps walking to us. "Whats the matter lad? Drunk? hahaha!" Tray stands up and stretches. "Yes, yesh I am slightly sir." I turn to tell the girl Im fine and her hand, its bone! I look up at her face and my god its a skull! I fall off my chair towards Tray."Wha-wha whats that?" I point to her-it. Tray looks at me amused. "Problem young'n?" "Yes" I scream, "shes a skeleton!"
    I'm still staring at her, maybe its the alcohol, Sigmar please let it be the alcohol. 'Well lad I know that. You see every proper vampire has his minions hehe.' I spin around and see why Tray had his forehead covered. It has a square like scar in the middle with a distinctive twin tailed comet mark in the middle.
    "You see boy I was that vampire that blasted elf fought, no not in this body.That cursed elf destroyed the other far more beautiful one. There was a nosy thief hanging around though. It was a mere formality to expel his soul and take over this vessel. Besides, I like this body. It makes fools like you come here asking for stories. Just a few a simple illusions for you to see the tavern however you want . Very easy to get you fools drunk then feasting on your blood. Only way I can partake of the mead anymore." With a wink he was on me and all goes to black.



    - Voting ending in 98 hours.

    Last edited by Tashin; April 25th, 2010 at 20:28.

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  3. #2
    Sir Proofreader Deadstar_MRC's Avatar
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    470 (x8)

    Hmm. Well, to be blatantly honest, both stories could do with some improvement. I know the massive wall of text might not be your fault, Sigelus, but it doesn't help your case much.

    Regarding your story; the idea is good, but the execution does leave a little to be desired. The battle scene seems to get bogged down a little, mainly because of the lack or formatting, but you don't do too bad a job of describing it and changing it up a little to keep it engaging.

    On to TripleJ7007; I quite like the concept behind this one, the duel appearing via flashback and then the whole thing being revealed as an elaborate ruse by that very same Vampire to lure in unsuspecting blood donors. Some of the conversation is a little awkward, though; at times you seem to change between past and present tense where you shouldn't, which doesn't come off well.

    Scores:
    Sigelus - 3/5
    TripleJ7007 - 3.5/5
    Rabbit; Our Tau community has the talent of figuring out how to turn a feather into a timebomb. Macgyver would be jealous.
    8people; Honey, why is my fluffwars story your shopping list?

  4. #3
    Member TripleJ7007's Avatar
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    Much thanks for the honest criticism. I had been toying with ideas for this for awhile. Pretty much halfway through my story i changed my mind on how I wanted to write it. If I had more time I think I could polish it up. Not complaining about the time limit, just thinking I overeached my self this time.
    Last edited by TripleJ7007; April 26th, 2010 at 06:21. Reason: Me no spel gud
    Green iz da' BEST!
    Orkz is made fer' two fings! Fightin', and winnin'!

  5. #4
    Benevolent Dictator CaptainSarathai's Avatar
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    Ouch. I'm with Deadstar on this one, they could both use a little work.

    I was actually just reading Deadstar's entry, and congratulating him on having the guts to take the simple route and write a straight-up fight. Sigelus, you've done the same, but you sortof missed the "straight up" part. Your entry didn't have much meat to it, aside from the fighting. Remember- a fight eats up words in a hurry, as I'm sure you discovered. You had enough exposition to warrant a fight, and you did introduce us to your setting, but you failed to give us much of a story. I liked your fight, it was brutal in the same way that my Arena contests are, and in a way which Deadstar's fight was not. I'd have no qualms in reformatting your story to make it readable (not likely your fault, but that was a wall) and hold it up as a well done fight scene. It was choppy, but that's a conscious effect I think.
    If I had to put my finger on the problem, I'd say that you and I are likewise afflicted. We're used to novels, with an unlimited word count. We come from writing BL sumbissions of 30,000 words, to a short story of 1,000. Yeah, it's a pain in the arse, and prioritizing between the two doesn't help a bit either. But I think we're both biting off more than we can chew with this word count. You wanted a fight, and I'm sure you could've easily fleshed a story around the rest of it, but you didn't have the space. I wanted a lot more imagery and poticking, but I had to figure out how to get a dwarf to agree to a 'duel', in 1000 words or less.

    TripleJ-
    Another story that doesn't quite seem to fit the 1000 word criteria, although I didn't check. At any rate, I like the way you narrate in the first person. More importantly, I like that you managed to capture the language without typing out the actual accent. Good job, and well done. Your story was also quite inventive, with the Vampire decieving the human by getting him drunk. I've tried getting dates that way, to no avail, haha.
    Anyways, story's all there, and if I liked my own work I'd compliment you by telling you that it seems the same. But unfortunately I'm feeling rather low right now, and I doubt that what either of us has put up is going to quite cut it. Your story is good, but difficult to read because of the formatting. Remember, knock your quotes out onto different lines, so we can read them. It's hard enough having someone talking to us, without having someone else talking to him, and him talking back to someone else. It makes a very confusing situation, and even moreso when there aren't any formatting cues. I'm pretty sure that's where you were tripping Deadstar up in his critiquing.

    I want to see you guys keep writing. I'm not only surprised that we managed to get 16 people involved in this thing, but also surprised that we managed to turn out some good writers on this forum. Can't help but wonder where they all were during the rest of the Fluff-section's existence. On to scoring though:

    Sigelus- 3/5
    TripleJ7007- 3.5/5
    Pts Values for AoS here!

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  6. #5
    LO Zealot mynameisgrax's Avatar
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    The walls of text on both sides are tough to get through. Stories are a lot easier to read if they're broken up with spaces into bite sized chunks. Also, as I mentioned before, I don't like quotes within the text. I always like to see it separated from the rest of the paragraph.

    That aside, the stories are both good, but I have to give TripleJ the edge. Loved the twist at the end. ^_^

    Sigelus 3/5

    TripleJ7007 4/5
    "Any job worth doing, is worth doing with a powerklaw."
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  7. #6
    Senior Member Palos's Avatar
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    Sigelus: The color in your story doesn't move me much. There are nice moments but it feels to me that you're trying to cram too many details into each line. When reading something like this Iam often reminded of one of my favorite writers, Murakamai Haruki, who seems to convey so much feeling with just a few words. I'd say, formatting aside, your story just needs to be trimmed down to make those details more punchy.

    TripleJ7007: I loved it. What Captain Sarathai said about language capture w/o accent is spot on. I didn't realize it, until he mentioned it! I was pulled it quickly and kept until the last, but it could use some tightening.

    Sigelus:3/5
    TripleJ7007:4.5/5
    The legions of Palos[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
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  8. #7
    i am da Wahhchief Digger's Avatar
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    Sigelus:
    Brutal fight, good plan to use an actual warhammer battle for your story. Nice how you portrayed the battle. You made sure things were happening all over by including the bolt thrower, while the lord was about to enter duel. I would have liked to see more of the entire battle.

    TripleJ:
    Really funny story, the plot was thought over before you started i bet, , the skeletal girl betrays it "A skeletal looking girl" was way too obvious! you could have used sneakier words like, A surprisingly thin girl >.<
    2000 words mate thats just evil!

    Vote
    Sigelus: 4
    TripeJ7007 : 4,5 / 5
    Eternal Newbie

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  9. #8
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    Sigelus (3.5/5): I'm glad you did a straight up fight and it was well written. I didn't find anything unique about it, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. Not gonna lie, the wall of text put me off, but I'm not going to mark you down for it.

    TripleJ7007 (4.5/5): I really liked this story, though I think it would have been more in the vampire's character to condescendingly drop a few hints. Nice twist at the end. I didn't see it coming. Also, I play High Elves, so I liked your description of the Sword Master.

  10. #9
    Senior Member Tashin's Avatar
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    Sigelus wins this match with 19,5 points, as TrippleJ7007 - though scoring 20,5 points - gets a massive -20 points for having a 1000 words too much for the story.
    Sigelus: 19,5
    TrippleJ7007: 0,5

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