Get some Emily Dickinson on this shizzle. - Warhammer 40K Fantasy

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  1. #1
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    Apr 2011
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    Get some Emily Dickinson on this shizzle.

    A constant pace kept the carrions,
    deeper and deeper into the valley.
    Their pelt and helm(of iron and bone),
    Those warriors began to rally.

    The city of Sigmar on the bloody horizon,
    started fires in the blackest souls.
    A roar of order came calling,
    Each ear pricked as thunder rolled.

    "MERCILESS,MERCILESS", came ten thousand strong,
    Those warriors of chaos marched,
    And whilst the sons of light prepared,
    The mountains spine began to arch.

    Anticipation so fine, it cut the wind,
    as silence held its breath.
    The first sword was drawn.
    The glory of life and death.

    -By Milamber.

    Last edited by Milamber; April 25th, 2011 at 02:01.

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  4. #2
    Benevolent Dictator CaptainSarathai's Avatar
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    Feb 2005
    inside your head
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    Looks good. I have to ask 'why?', but a poem's a poem. At least someone else out there likes to write them for no apparent reason. I thought I was the only one!
    I wrote one for a fluffwar about a year ago --

    As for this one: the flow is a little odd. It's not so much a wordcount issue as a syllable issue. I guess it depends on who'se reading it, and what cadence they use, but to me, it seemed that some lines could have had an extra syllable.

    You should also capitalize the stuff that you personify. For example, "as Silence held its breath".

    Why the parenthesis in line 3? I'm a huge fan of E.E. Cummings, but he's really he only person I've seen use parenthesis effectively. Read the poem without the parenthetical, and you'll see that it's not optional, and doesn't add anything. I'd drop it, it feels clunky.

    The past-tense is messing with your rhyme scheme. You've got a nice ABCB going on, almost like a sonnet, but in a few stanzas you're rhymes get sloppy because of the tense. "Marched" and "Arch" for example. It would make more sense to put them both into the same tense, "Marched" and "Arched" or "March" and "Arch".

    It's good stuff, certainly. It takes guts to write a poem, and even more to post it up on a forum for everyone to read. Rep to you, and welcome to the forum.
    Pts Values for AoS here!

    Nippon Armybook: Isuu, Scribd, and free at Google Docs

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