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Just Plain Lore Rape
Last edited by Redrik; June 22nd, 2011 at 13:08.
I don't know about lore rape, but it is certainly 1st degree grammar rape. Commas, capitalisation, paragraphs and especially full stops would go a long way to making the piece more readable.
I think the giving birth part does make sense in a chaosy twisted sort of way. However it does come across pretty clearly that it is largely just an excuse to include Valkyia. Som work to make this appear more subtle could be a good idea.
The piece never actually says what his reasoning for enslaving the wizards is. Being Khornate he'd either kill them or use them, but I highly doubt it would be possible to A: enslave a wizard and B: force one to co-operate. None of his followers would be mages, so they would have no magical powers to force submission. Perhaps explaining that they're using collars of some sort to force obedience would work at a stretch.
I highly doubt that a Khonate warband would stop to parlay with dark elves. A Juggernaught would see them and think 'ooo squishy things to kill and please my god'... and that would be the end of them. Slaanesh is different because they worship that god. Perhaps if the dark elves were fighting against the lizardmen at the same time, and prevented the Khorne warband from being ambushed and destroyed then it could work - or the warband pillaged a dark elf town and took slaves for sport. Although that to me doesn't sound very 'blood for the blood god', they'd probably kill them all anyway right?
The chaos dwarf part needs work as well. Typically they lock their doors and refuse to do anything but sell their goods, and shoot you with a ridiculous amount of artillery if you don't. Having the warband buy eqiptment from them could work, but it sounds very 'Khorney' to have them sack the fortress and loot the eqiptment, keeping a select few dwarves to crew the hell cannons.
It isn't lore rape, it just needs a fair amout of refining to make it sound alot more believable. Just think about what a bloodcrazed maniac would do, and you will know how that particular situation turned out. You can then manipulate that to get the end result you want.
'War does not determine who is right, only who is left'
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I can see how you might offend some people with the fact that Valkyria was pregnant. It almost doesn't even work out from a fluff perspective, considering that she spend almost an entire year alone in the wastes before she was defeated. You'd think that if she'd had a son they would have mentioned him. Playing around with fiction involving named characters can get very messy, very fast.
My suggestion would almost be to have the male character as the leader of her former tribe (she was a warrior princess before leaving for the wastes). In a stretch, he was her lover, although she's now long forgotten him since Khorne has twisted her in both body and mind. Either way, she is returning because it's her tribe, and she has some unexplainable connection (not to be confused with actual romance) to this man.
Also- watch out that your don't "Mary-Sue" your character too much. Yeah, dark elves are pretty and everybody wants one, but that doesn't mean there's going to be any inter-species mingling going on. Knocking out the fact that it's hard enough for humans of different ethnicities to be accepted, or that Khorne (as Waddy stated) would probably just tear the Dark Elves a new 'orifice', or that the Dark Elves are on a shoot-on-sight policy for the Northmen with whom they share a border, Elves don't find humans particularly nice to look at. They think that humans are rough and unrefined, and not in that "ruggedly handsome" way either- more like a "look at the pathetic little gorillas, thinking they are worthy of our affections."
So you go to Lustria, beat the daylights out of pretty much everyone, and enslave some sorcerers. I'm fine with the enslaving sorcerers, although I wouldn't expect to Redrik to stay in Khorne's favor for much longer. The Chaos Gods are pretty fanatical- Khorne is fully aware that magic exists, and he HATES it. Why wouldn't he use it if he didn't despise it's very presence? And if your general is willing to use magic, why not just get a fellow Northman to handle the business? Why go through all the trouble of capturing a wizard and hoping that he doesn't work a spell to fry your brains the next time you fall asleep?
And again- agreeing with Waddywoos- Chaos Dwarfs are more the uninvolved schemers than fast allies. The only reason they come with the Hellcannon is because the Northmen won't mess with artillery, and the Northmen have no idea how to handle the damn thing in the first place. For the most part, Chaos Dwarfs trade prisoners for wargear, they need the prisoners as the currency of the realm, and they're biding their time until they can wipe out everyone. Remember- they don't adhere to the 4 Chaos Gods, they have no love nor loyalty to the northmen. The northmen are just the only ones who are willing to barter with them (and can reach them).
And finally- please punctuate your story to make it more readable.
enough of the grammar lessons there is a reason i never completed school ok? drop it
as for the valkyia thing there is no day to day account of every little thing she ever did just a brief story who is to say she was a virgin? i highly doubt she would be
enslaving sorcerors would be easy the models i use for the conversions are chaos warriors with brass collars on with swords pointed at the back of the magicians heads if they dont cast they die and they are forced to cast so much eventually they die to exhaustion if they survive they just get sacrificed after hte battle anyways
chaos dwarves are greedy and they get all they could need from the relationship
but its a moot point i suppose creativity is dead in this game and there are no deviations from the set stereotypes of each race my bad
About the 'grammar lessons' : Rules of Librarium Online <- last sentence of the first heading. We're not bashing you for poor spelling or a weak vocabulary, we're just asking you to please make it easier to read. Just use periods at the end of sentences, that would be enough of a start.
And creativity is far from dead, both here on LO and in the world at large. Look at all of the fiction that we generate here- there are the fluffwriting threads for both major games, the Arena of Death games often have an ongoing story line set in WHFB, the Fluffwriting contests, there is a LOT going on here to generate new and interesting stuff to read. Just take a look around the Fluff forum. Creativity isn't dead at all, there's just a certain expectation that comes along with what's written.
For example, try pitching your story to GW brass, or BlackLibrary. They'd probably turn it down because it doesn't fit with the 'established background'. That's the problem for writing within a small niche like this- if you were writing a book from scratch, when nobody had read anything else about Valkia or Chaos Dwarfs, Warriors, or Dark Elves, this would be fine. But the majority of WHFB players are aware of of at least one of those things, and they read your fluff with a preconceived notion of how things work. You can push that envelope, but if you push it too far, they'll say that it's "unbelievable"- which really just means that you've destroyed too many of those notions for them to see your story as plausible.
Take these examples (just examples, I've never written this stuff)-
- Archaon wants to end the world because when he was in gradeschool, Sigmar came down from Heaven on a mission from Jesus, and stole his teddybear, Ned.
- My Orcs are pink. Not because of magic, or mutation, or warpaint. They're just pink. Because I say that all orks are pink. And they like to cuddle.
- After millenia of warfare, Teclis walks right into the palace of Malekith and gives him a hug, asking his uncle to stop the war. Aenarion comes out from behind the curtain and joins in, apologizing for using the Sword of Khaine to kill the Daemons.
Now, those probably seem ridiculous to you. But why do they seem ridiculous. Why can't I be "creative" and say that all of my Orcs are pink and cute? Because you know that in WHFB, Orcs are green and mean.
You didn't shatter the fluff as badly as the two guys in the gamestore may have said, but you did push a lot of boundaries. You could keep the story the same, and be prepared to defend it, or you could dial it back just a little bit and have something that is not only original, but also believable within the setting of the story.
The enslavement of the Sorcerers is pretty neat- I didn't realize that you were using collars, or had them tattooed or warpainted to mark them out as being inferior. If you had included that in the orginal, we probably wouldn't have gotten on your case about the Sorcerers. "Fleshing out" the story like that can make things seem a lot more sensible. Perhaps your army is fighting against the Dwarfs, and that's why the Chaos Dwarfs have allied with you. Or you live just north of the plain of Ghrond, so the two armies maintain very healthy trade routes. If you're including Dwarf units, they could be mercenaries. Minor changes, or just adding little details, can change a lot about the way people see your army.
Okay, things I like:
- Tying the story to established character without using her too much.
- Breaking the Khorne-worshipper stereotype.
Things I didn't like:
- Dark Elf bit. It just sounds somehow wrong.
What you could do to improve the fluff is use the "according to legends" -trick. Its actually very simple. Instead of saying straight out that your protagonist Redrik is son of Khorne and Valkia and all the dark elf ladies lust him, imply but never confirm. Use stuff like "Some of the most fanatical followers of Redrik claim he is..." and "According to stories told of his journeys..." Thats much, much more fluff-friendly because you still get to keep your stories but no-one can outright deny them by saying they go against the established fluff... Because its not against established fluff that people might believe in legends which might, or might not, be true.
Revenant Moon Necrons: (W/L/D) 0/1/0 (6th edition: 13/2/2)(5th edition: 14/6/4)(3rd edition Codex: 16/4/7)
XIX Legion: (W/L/D) 0/0/0 (5th edition: 14/12/2)(5th edition Codex: 4/3/0)
Black Legion: (W/L/D) 1/0/0 (6th edition: 2/3/0)
Something Wicked... Reikwald Beastmen: (W/L/D) 10/4/1
thank you to you guys but i did say it was the general idea i wasnt actually writing it out as if it was in the codex. so here let me try and clean this up a bit:
valkyia has a very small story and not much about her but from general knowledge kings / queens usually have consorts they can fool around with who knows what could have happened to her she could have ****ed a bloodletter in the back seat of a volkswagon who knows they leave out years of her life and they say that she embarked on a quest to give khorne the head of a slaanesh DP but BEFORE a year past she had died im not actually declaring her as the mother thats just the "legend" and would explain why he calls her the "blood mother"
the children of khorne are not all gibbering mad men like many khorne followers khorne is not ALL might charging into combat mindlessly. it is also the art of war and being a master of tactics Redrik embodies this by being calm cold and calculating with brilliant tactics and keeps his men from blindly charging until the right time. and like i said the sorcerors are enslaved because though they dont like magic they arent the ones using it they are using the sorceror who uses the magic. and then they just kill him later after hes of no further use.
the dark elf bit was actually based off a gaming campeign i did. i fought so many dark elves it was stupid. the chick i was playing actually ended up writing a story about my character and hers it wasnt instantanous. over a long trudge up through lustria into dark elven lands the CoK (lol) was being stalked by a small dark elf band with her as the leader. she fought them a few times and grew to respect him and thats the primary reason she went with them was because she wanted a child that was graceful and stealthy like a elf but with the strength and ferocity of a northman.
the chaos dwarves joined because they got tons of gold / slaves / magical items /etc, and the children of khorne wiped out a rival dwarf clan all in exchange for a forge which they could produce hellcannons and chaos armor with. i rarely field marauders and when i do they are more warrior looking than marauder looking.
ill have someone who is good at writing have a go at actually making a "codex worthy" post about the lore that might make it a bit more understandable.