Welcome to Librarium Online!
Join our community of 80,000+ members and take part in the number one resource for Warhammer and Warhammer 40K discussion!
Registering gives you full access to take part in discussions, upload pictures, contact other members and search everything!
Here is my attempt at fluff for my vc army. Forgive me for any typo's, I'm doing all this on my phone with forum-runner. C&C is more than welcome.
Damian Veldhoff was a hunter living in a village near Kemperbad, were he roamed the Great Forest. He had a simple life but was happy with the few possesions he had, for him his freedom is worth more than all the wealth in the world.
During one of his hunts, he found a young woman lying on the ground. He clothes were torn, but she had no injuries, at least from what Damian could see, and while she wasn't responding to his calls, he could see her chest moving with each breath she took.
He took her back to his home on the edge of the forest, were she remained unconscious for three more days. When she awakened, she did not say a word to Damian,only responding to his questions with short nods, leaving him with many unanswered questions. For two weeks in which he went hunting, gave her clothes and he told all about himself, hoping to win her trust. In the proces of doing so, he got more and more attatched to his silent but beautifull company.
It was at the end of the third week, when he came back after a succesfull hunt, that he saw that the door was smashed apart.
He drawed his sword and rushed inside.
He found his home wrecked, tables smashed apart, pots and pewter scattered on the floor.
A man, paled skin and hair as black as the night., lay hunched over his guest, his mouth covered in blood.
Enraged, Damian charged the vampire, at first it seemed Damian was on the winning hand, but the Vampire was just toying with him. Suddenly the Vampire struck back and Damian was put on the defense, parrying blow after blow, and biting through every strike he did not manage to fend of. Countless times Damian swayed from left to right, countless times he raised his sword, only to have it blown aside by the Vampires' unhuman strength.
Just as Damian was about to collapse, howls were heared from the forest, the vampire somehow got distracted, he knew that sound and seemed to fear it. With the last of his strength Damian thrusted his sword straight through its heart. With an agonising scream the Vampire fell to his knees, its hands clutched around the sword. Damian thought it was over, but suddenly the Vampire lunged forward and grabbed Damian.
Struggling to get free, Damian felt the long fangs of the Vampire puncturing his neck. With its dying breath it gave Damian the blood kiss.
Finally managing to break free, Damian pushed the vampire away and burned it outside his cabin, forever ending the vampire' unlife.
Ignoring his wound he went to the still unknown guest, were he found out she was mortally wounded, but still alive.
Taking care of her once more, he began to notice the horrible faith that awaited him, he noticed the sun hurted him, he felt an ever increasing urge for blood, which he was able to satisfy with the spoils he had hunted.
After a week she began to weaken, her breathing got more shallow, her skin became as white as a sheet.
In a moment of despair, he gave her the blood kiss, hoping to save her from death and prevent losing the girl he somehow fell in love with.
It worked and after several weeks, she awoken once again.
Damian told what happend, about the vampire, about the howling that saved him, how he got the Kiss and also that he given it to her.
Now she did told her story, answered his questions.
Her name was Evelyn, she lived in the village were Damian sells his spoils, one day she followed him in the woods, but got lost.
Suddenly a man, the Vampire, attacked her, she ran away but he was to fast. When he was about to kill her, a pack of wolves assailed the Vampire, harrasing him and eventually chasing him away, after which she fainted, the rest Damian already knew.
On the question why Evelyn followed him she answered: "I think I love you."
Now they roam the world together seeking to cure their Vampirism. Occasionally feeding themselves, and defending themselves from Witch Hunters and others that stand in their way. Their search has now brought them close to the Dark Elves, as the Masters of the Dark magic, Evelyn and Damian believe the answer lies there. But the Dark Elves do not welcome them with open arms, bloody battles will be fought.
Thats about it, still fine tuning, but tell me. C&C is welcome :-)
Last edited by Leafblower; July 25th, 2011 at 10:38.
So, comments and criticism, then...
Well, seeing as you asked, I'll ignore typos for the moment. Just this once, though
Firstly, I kind of like the concept. I thought at first that the woman was already a Vampire, but clearly I was mistaken. Damian managing to fight off the Vampire only to be cursed with the same affliction in the end, and then being forced to bestow the same upon Evelyn, certainly lends a element of tragedy to the story.
The search for a cure is interesting, especially seeing as they're looking towards the Dark Elves. Seems vaguely appropriate, given the Dark Elves (or at least some of their knowledge) may have had a hand in initially creating Vampires.
Just a few things from the story that I might highlight as possible areas to change/improve upon.
The very first sentence; Given that you've said Damian is a hunter in the first part of that sentence, I don't feel you need to mention again that he 'hunts the wildlife' at the end. Just leave it to the reader to assume that's what he's doing in the Great Forest.
The battle with the Vampire; I don't know much about swordfighting, but I don't think you'd be able to keep it up for several hours. Swords can be heavy and I imagine fatigue would set in fairly quickly. I know hour-long sword battle are much more epic but maybe you can find some other way of making it epic without it taking so long. Describe Damian defending himself against a hail of blows, ignoring dozens that breach his guard, holding the monster at bay... I guess you could leave it as is but I just thought it might be worth suggesting a change there...
I'll keep it to that for the moment. Yes, the story could do with a proof-read and some corrections but that can wait until you're not on your phone!
O dear lord, maybe I should've said "c&c welcome but please be nice" :-p
I like to bring a bit of tragedy in my stories, glad it worked.
You were right about the first part and the swordfight, I've changed it and I like it more now, thanks.
I tried and take some spelling and grammar errors out of it as well, but I'm sure there are many I've missed.
The reason I bring the DE in, is because my friend plays them and I'll be playing mostly against him, and I always like to expand my fluff according to battles/events that actually took place (lets hope I win alot ;-)..) seeing as they are the "masters of black magic" it seemed a good explanation.
Sadly my pc got involved in an incident wich involves a big bottle of Coca-Cola, a little kid, and smoke coning out of it. So it will take a while...
Thank you for your time, and I'll make sure to rep you when I get the chance ;-)
Looks pretty good altogether. There's enough there to expand it out into a longer story, but the shorter story is easier on the reader.
Do you plan to tie the wolves into the army somehow? There seems to be some kind of connection there, at least with Evelyn, since they chased away the Vampire on two occasions.
Remember- what does your army list look like? It's good that they're searching for a cure (although perhaps Evelyn would die if cured, since she was 'saved' from death by the curse), but if they've raised an army, they would have to practice some sort of black magic and raise up the undead. Will the army feature Blood Knights, or other vampires? If so, how did they bring in these Vampires who don't want to be cured. A vampire willing to give up Immortality and Power is a rare creature indeed.
There's even room for some relationship trouble between Evelyn and Damian- she never asked to be saved. Perhaps for her, it was enough to die peacefully in a place where she was loved, but he took that from her and exposed her to a life of hardship and death. I never mentioned in my fluff if Christobel asked for the curse or if it was simply bestowed, because a choice like that would probably take some deliberating.
Not sure what kind of story line you were going for, but this rings true of 'Twilight,' to an extent. It's blasphemy of the third degree to link good Vampire fiction to that atrocity, but the way Damian turns her to save her life, survives off of animal blood, and although there's no cure for vampirism in Twilight, he's not happy to be a vampire and is looking for a cure- which puts him at odds with most of the traditional vampires living in the world.
I plan on using the wolves (Dire Wolves) so yeah they will come back :-).
I plan on using only 2 vampires (Evelyn&Damian) in my army, accompanied by the wolves&ghouls/zombies for my games.
I found it to Twillight personally..but couldn't think of anything better.. As a backup I had the idea to let Damian raid the village for blood, I think I'll go for that.
I forgot an entire piece, it explains that Damian found a spellbook hidden in the vampires' coat. Which Evelyn uses to cast her spells. (Ingame she'd be the supportive vamp and damian the Combat Lord).
I'll edit it in later ;-).
I only have a general idea for the story, it al depends on how my games go;-). Defeat will hinder them while victories might bring them closer to the cure.
Of course Evelyn and Damian will get some issues, the vampirism forced upon them will play a significant role in it, as will the guilt they feel for feeding upon other humans.
The actual story will be bigger, more into detail, conversations and such ;-). I hope to create an actual work of fiction and not just an army background.
Thank you for you criticism and compliments :-) they are of much help and appreciated
Last edited by Leafblower; July 25th, 2011 at 17:53.
One idea that I had was that the Vampire doesn't wound Evelyn. Damian finds her in the woods and carries her home, and she tells him that she was being chased by some kind of creature, and relates how the wolf howls drove it away. The Vampire is stalking her as its next victim, and eventually attacks Evelyn and Damian at their home. Damian fights it off, as you describe, and gets bitten, as you describe, but doesn't tell anyone. He goes for days without feeding, to try to cover his affliction. In the VC books, they talk about Abhorash going for weeks without feeding when he was first turned, but then he just lost it one day, passed out, and woke up after killing and draining 12 people. Maybe the same happens to Damian- he blacks out and when he wakes up, he's nearly killed Evelyn and has to give her the blood kiss.
Also, the Captain seems to have some good ideas. I know you've already said Damian/Evelyn are going to have issues with their Vampirism, but the added complication of Evelyn not appreciating being turned could lend an interesting dynamic.
Another thing to bear in mind might be the info we know about Warhammer Vampires. Supposedly, Vhargulfs are vampires too weak-willed to contain the beast within them (I think), which I think gives you scope to have any vampire having an internal struggle with their own nature, if that makes sense.
You havent offended me in any way Deadstar, I was only trying to add a joke ;-). *sigh* the restrictions of plain text..
The pc indeed is pretty terminal, no tech priest is going to save it.
So it might be a while before I get some chapters written..
I like the idea you had Captain, the added guilt for Damian opens more possibilities for the story, and adds to the character.
Added to my "to do" list :-).
Still doubting with the wolves, why did they interfered with the Vamp twice?
A rough idea I have is that Evelyn has a necklace that she got from her father before he went MIA, and that her father turns out to be a Necromancer and that the necklace is some sort of Talisman that makes the Dire Wolves obey/protect her. Would also explain her affinity for dark magic.
I am planning to add a Varghulf to my army, so something not so good must/will happen sooner or later ;-).
Sadly my friend doesn't like sorceres that much, but other scenarios spring to mind (raiding a DE Stronghold wich supposefly contaibs an ancient spell tome etc. Sneaking their way in, only to have them fight out against vastly more opponents as it turns out to be a trap etc.)
Would be awesome to write about :-).
Thanks again you both.
Last edited by Leafblower; July 26th, 2011 at 06:01.
Thank gods there are no werewolves in Fantasy, or I'd have made a terrible Twilight-based suggestion. I hate those books with a passion, they bleed into all the other good vampire stories now, and limit what we can mess with.
Anyways, I can think of two things- maybe they aren't wild wolves, maybe Damian keeps hunting dogs. A lot of stories about the supernatural say that dogs can sniff out all manner of creepy beasties, and know what they are. Maybe the dogs smelled the vampire and attacked him, driving him away from Evelyn, but whenever Damian shows up, he can't figure out what drove the dogs nuts, they're just standing around Evelyn.
Then during the second fight, just have Damian slice through the chains on the kennel and let the dogs out, making enough of a distraction for him to stab the vampire. Boom, saved twice, and it explains why your army has such an affinity for wolves. Maybe the Dire Wolves (if you field them- don't field them) are his original dogs, made stronger by a sort of "half bloodkiss" from chomping on the Vampire blood.
--note: better idea - rather than Damian be the one who was turned, Evelyn was bitten while "napping" in the woods, and hides it. The dogs drive off the vampire and are standing at a distance growling at Evelyn when Damian shows up, giving the reader a bit of foreshadowing that "something's still not right". Then whenever Damian fights off the Vampire at the house, he's the one mortally wounded and Evelyn saves him. It would explain her silence, and her seemingly weak and sickly state if she hasn't fed. And in true Victorian-Gothic form, the Vampire bite was a metaphor for 'kinky-lovin', so in a way its almost romantic/sexy- she's biting him because they both need it.
Alternatively, the hounds could belong to a Witch Hunter called to search for the missing girl. She'd probably need a more noble connection to explain why her family could call on a Witch Hunter. Right after the fight and everyone's been chomped on, he might show up. This does two things- force Damian/Evelyn to choose or admit their love, sine the Hunter wants to take her back home, and also give them their first taste of being hunted themselves. For example, he's a little suspicious of the two, thinking maybe their Vampires, so he hangs out in town for few days, starving them. They know that one of them will have to feed soon, but if they dine in town, he'll find them out, so they have to flee. This gets them on the move, gives them some "alone time", and their fight for survival hones their necromantic/fighting skills. By the time they walk out of the other side of the forbidden forest, they're capable of leading your army together.
Finally, it could be another Vampire. Just like the mysterious assailant in the desert from my story, maybe he was the original vampire's master, hunting him down because he stole a book of necromantic lore (which Damian and Evelyn take after the fight). After the fight, he thinks that the book was lost, and leaves to search for a while, before realizing that the two "humans" stole it, and then starts pursuing them. He could join them as an occasional ally, or he could be a powerful enemy, driving them forward and maybe even playing them as pawns in his own greater scheme.
The trick to writing horror, or writing about byronic heroes (like your reluctant Vampires) is in the undertones rather than the story itself. You can make the most innocent thing in the world seem absoltuely terrifying if you pay careful attention to the setting and events surrounding it. For example, in the movie '28 Days Later', it doesn't start off with a regular guy as the first zombie- it starts off with a little girl. Why? Because that's terrifying, you'd never expect something so vile from something so innocent looking.
This is also the trick to writing longer stories, and admittedly, one that I forgot about in my own VC fluff. Yeah, Damian and Evelyn are Vampires, but why do we care? Ok, they're trying to find a cure- that's good. You have a larger narrative, we care about their fights, if they survive or not, if they triumph. Now muddy that up and make it a bit more grim. Throw a lot of evil characters into the plot. Damian and Evelyn already exist in a gray area, but every other character should to. For example, you toss in an Imperial Priest who should kill your characters, but sees the 'good in their hearts' and spares them- that's a neat little story, but you could typecast that same benevolent Imperial Priest as a man who is a slave to his fanatical zeal, failing to see past the fact that your characters are actually the good guys, and trying to kill them with the insane dedication of a serial-murderer. Now your story is nice and dark, even the "good guys" have their demons to face. This is what makes Gothic Horror so much more appealing than the modern hack'n'slash like 'Saw' - it takes the stance that humans are fundamentally evil creatures.
Sorry for the writing expose, I know that you're just writing this as a backstory for your army, and that you probably aren't interested in becoming a novelist or anything, but I feel that a lot of people writing fluff take that as an excuse to just write something down without realizing that they can make it a much deeper and more compelling story, even if they don't write the whole thing down. It's what sets the really good stuff apart from the "ZOMG my army Roxxorz, now read why".
And another long but good read,
Think I'll make a big re-write for this :-p.
I always like/try to show that all good things have a bad side, that even the 6year old isn't as innocent as it seems etc. And tragedy is something I try to use alot to.
I enjoy writing alot, even if it is on my phone (it took me the better part of an hour to write and scan for typos on the first post..)
But I do not consider myself skilled or talented enough to be an actual novellist.
Thanks for al the suggestions, hints, tips, ideas and your time. I'll make good use of your lessons.