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this is an revised version of the story posted Here , this time typed on a laptop, so I hope it is of better quality. C&C welcomed and appreciated as ever :-)
Damian Veldhoff was a hunter living in a village near Kemperbad, were he roamed the Great Forest. He had a simple life but was happy with the
few possessions he had, for him his freedom is worth more than all the wealth in the world.
During one of his hunts, he found a young woman lying on the ground, clothes torn, eyes closed and skin as white as a sheet, a dark hooded figure hunched over her like a predator moments before it finishes its' wounded prey. Without hesitation Damian sends his dogs in to scare away the assailant. as the unknown being runs off in the woods, the four dogs in pursuit, Damian turns his attention to the damsel, she turned out to be unconscious.
He took her back to his home on the edge of the forest, were she remained unconscious for three more days. When she awakened, she did not
say a word to Damian,only responding to his questions with short nods, leaving him with many unanswered questions. For two weeks in which he
went hunting, gave her clothes and he told all about himself, hoping to win her trust. In the process of doing so, he got more and more attached
to his silent but beautiful company. Somehow however, the dogs always were nervous around her, their tails hidden between their legs. and their ears pointed backwards, but Damian could not find out why. During the hunts they acted normal, so Damian gave little attention to this.
It was at the end of the third week, when he came back after a successful hunt, that he saw that the door was smashed apart.
He drew his sword and rushed inside.
He found his home wrecked, tables smashed apart, pots and pewter scattered on the floor.
A dark hooded man was hunched over his guest, a shining blade raised high to deliver the killing blow.
Enraged, Damian charged the man, lunging at the man with quick strokes. But emotions clouded his judgement, made Damian reckless and made him unable to focus. The hooded man was calm, and easily parried the predictable attacks made by Damian. As time passed fatigue got the best of Damian, one of his attacks left him unbalanced and the dark man was quick to strike Damian to the ground. His vision blurred and in a desperate attempt to defend himself Damian raised his sword, but knew well that this was his end. Suddenly the dogs started barking, haven't forgotten the last time they interfered with his plans the man turned his attention to the door opening, expecting them to rush in.
Damian used this moment to regain his senses and got back on his feet, but Damian wasn't fast enough and before he was able to use his sword, the man thrusts his sword in Damian's stomach. Damian screamed out in pain, and fell to the ground, the sword still lodged in his body, Suddenly the man mumbled in despair, before being thrown against the wall, ending on the floor with his his face caved in, crushed by the wall. Damian tried to raise his head and see what caused this, but wasn't able to do so, his body refused. He heard the dogs bark again and lost his conciousness.
Hhe woke up in her arms, tears rolled down her face and fell on his forehead. With a weak voice he asked what was wrong. And she finally spoke, and told him everything.
Her name was Evelyn, she roamed the great forest for many years, lived there and occasionally went to the towns nearby to get food.
she once saw Damian while she was out in the forest, and decided to follow him, hoping to socialise, for she felt lonely. But then that man appeared and attacked her by surprise, she tried to run away but he had weakened her with some sort of poison. She started to cry again, and it took several minutes before she regained her calm. She continued.
The man that attacked her was a Vampire Hunter, who apparently followed her trail after one of her trips to the village, she was a vampire and had lived here for over 100 years, hiding in the forest only to leave once every month to feed on human blood.
but there was even more bad news for Damian, he was mortally wounded, and in order to save him, she had given him the blood kiss. She couldn't let him die because of her and the thought of continuing her immortal life without him was too much to for her, so in a moment of desperation she gave him her curse, in the hope they could share their lives together and find a cure, for there must be one out there.
After several weeks, in which Damian healed from his wounds, and slowly accepted his new fate. they took of into the wide world, Damian killed his dogs, for they were better of dead than to live with him and Evelyn as vampires, but Evelyn was skilled in dark magic, after many decades of practice, and revived them, to travel with Evelyn and Damian in their undead form. Over the years, they grew Damian and Evelyn grew closer togheter, and now have a relationship that comes close to that of husband and wife.
Now they roam the world together seeking to cure their Vampirism. Occasionally feeding themselves, and defending themselves from Witch
Hunters and others that stand in their way. Their search has now brought them close to the Dark Elves, as the Masters of the Dark magic, Evelyn
and Damian believe the answer lies there. But the Dark Elves do not welcome them with open arms..
quite happy with it. as this is my army background it isn't as elaborate as the actual story I'm writing, but this is a blueprint for the first chapters. a thing that bothers me is the ending, it feels kind off "he gets hurt- he hears he is a vampire- o lets travel together." but I can't explain it more elaborate without making it too long. is welcome, and rep shall be served.
side note: CaptainSarathai I tried to rep you for your help the last time but I need to spread it out some more before I can give it to you. Sorry about that.
Its good, I like it
Alot of stories are full of uber killy vampires etc, but yours are more emotionally alive (if that makes sense).
A bit of proof reading for you:
End of the 3rd paragraph use 'normally' instead of 'normal'.
Last sentence of the 5th paragraph perhaps replace 'haven't' with 'having not'.
Top of the 6th paragraph you've switched tenses mid-sentence... Try going with something like 'the man thrust his sword into Damian's stomach.'
There's an extra 'h' on teh first word of the 7th paragraph.
In the 7th paragraph consider combining the 2nd and 3rd sentences as the 2nd is a fragment. Also, (to really nitpick!) a sentence shouldn't start with the word 'And'.
Beginning word of the second sentence in paragraph 8 needs capitalisation.
Last sentence of paragraph 8 - consider changing 'she gave him her curse' to 'she had given him her curse'.
Beginning at the start of paragraph 9, remove the second comma, replace the first full stop with a comma and replace the third comma with a full stop.
Last sentence of paragraph 9, remove 'they grew' from before 'Damian and Evelyn'. Also, 'together' is misspelt in that sentence.
If I was to be really critical I'd say there are a few too many commas throughout the piece which breaks up the flow a little bit, but on the whole it is a well written story and one that I enjoyed Rep for the story!
'War does not determine who is right, only who is left'
I am President of the Brunel University wargames society - PM me if interested.
Haha, no problem about the rep- it happens sometimes- it's the thought that counts.
I like the new story. The English is a bit clunky, but I understand that it's not your native language- I believe you said that you were Dutch? I can clean it up if you'd like- you have some verb-tense confusions, a little redundancy here and there, and some punctuation issues. It's readable though, definitely better than I could write in Dutch, or even in German (the closest I have to a second language).
I'd change it so that Evelyn doesn't raise the dogs after he kills them- it sorts of defeats the purpose considering that he didn't want them serving him in life, why would he want them serving him in death? Maybe Evelyn just keeps them alive as they suffer wounds or attrition. The Direwolf could actually be the only dog strong enough to still be alive, bigger and meaner now that it's been subjected to a life of warfare and constant fighting to survive.
Good work all around- I like the new story.
Whoops, thats what you get for writing late at night!
Thanks for the proof reading, I'll shall edit all of that when I get back on the laptop (on phone again).
I used to make really long (waaaaaayyyy to long) sentences, and I believe I'm over compensating now.
I'm indeed Dutch, and English is a second language for me, so grammar and spelling are somewhat of a challenge to me. ;-). I appreciate your help Capt. But I rather try and make it better myself. I'll learn more from doing it myself then copy pasting it from you ;-). Though if after my second attempt it's still a bit crunchy I would like your help :-).
I might change it so that the dogs actually attack the vamp hunter(or is it called Witch Hunter in FB? Like in 40k) the 2nd time and let that basterd kill them (call peta),then mortaly wounds damian, at that point Evelyn raises the dogs, and they manage to kill the dog-killing meany this time. Instead of Evelyn bashing his face against the wall.
Thanks for the advice etc so far all of you, :-)
Last edited by Leafblower; August 11th, 2011 at 09:19.
Heres another emotional quirk that i think would be cool,
He kills his dogs because he doesnt want them to have to follow the path he has now got to walk, but he had these dogs since he was a child, as they leave he stops and cries, he cries for his lost life, the home he has lost but most of all for his fallen companions. as the first of his tears hit the floor there is a howling from the house, turning back he sees the 4 dogs padding over to him, so loyal in life, so loyal in death.
PROUD TO BE IN THE BRITISH ARMY.
~~ Surrender and serve me in life, or die and slave for me in death~~
Well, I did it again, I once again changed my mind about my army. (It changes more often then most women change clothes :-p).
I ordered the Bretonnian Damsel as Evelyn and it made me doubt the VC model range.. the Damsel (on foot) is such a nice model.
This made me look at the VC again nd I found that the army, while nicely looking, just doesn't fit my playing style.
prefer a (largely) mobile army, support by long range attacks (magic or otherwise).
what do the Bretts have: lots and lots of cavalry, cheap longbows, and the Damsel . seems to fit the bill nicely
So I'm back to the drawing (writing?) board with my fluff.
you can expect to see a new thread pop up soon, any help would be much appreciated.
Haha thanks for the teary responses guys
Im always hear for you Dutchie (Leafblower?)
PROUD TO BE IN THE BRITISH ARMY.
~~ Surrender and serve me in life, or die and slave for me in death~~