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Goblins have always been known to be slightly smarter than their brutish dim-witted cousins the Orcs, understanding the simple concepts of "Uh-oh, deyz bigga boyz iz 'avin a bar-b-Q tomorro an 'ah done see any meats around" and of course the usual "Oh no, deyz playin' grot ball again!" But despite the torment that the orcs inflict upon them, the Goblins understand that without the orcs, their kind would be very easy pickings to the larger predators. So, being runtier then the orcs, they have adapted to this by having a much better understanding of how things work inventing contraptions such as pump wagons, siege towers, bolt throwers and even the bit fanatical, yet lethally effective, grot doom diver. Thanks to these inventions, grots have easily become a true part of orc sodiety, if not a meager part. Though, some grots may begin to be a bit more assertive and may come up with extremely risky and stupid plans to gain freedom which usually ends with their inevitable deaths. But even though these goblins may fail, some wise up and concoct plans that may very well save their own skins or even leave them with their own clan. That is where the history of Cap'n Xeg Stonethroat comes from.
Part 1- The Orc Clans of the South
A long time ago, before the men of the north had ever heard of the word gold and were still using clamshells as currency, the grand kingdoms of Khemri spralled across the endless deserts bringing civilization to the ends of their world. They often wondered what lay just beyond those vast forests and mountains to the north and pondered endlessly when the time would come that they may find out. After time immemorable, King Phar came to power in his kingship and marched north to find out. He met the Hordes of Orcs and Goblins and truly found a great enemy. He stretched his kingdom vastly until the coming of Settra where he abbandoned his age old enemy in attempts to thwart a new evil. The Orcs and Goblins had been beaten utterly and now feared the day they would see the armies of the south once more. As time went by, the numbers which inhabbited the villages dwindeled severly and yet still, the orcs of these lands knew nothing of the passing of Phar, The death of Settra or even the destruction of Khemri. In time, the orcs realized that nothing was left alive in the villages they had been run from and took it as an opprotunity to regain their lost strength. Now that the lands north of the great desert were reclaimed as was their Gork given right, the Orcs found nothing to fight and so, went looking. By now the evil one, the Supreme Liche King Nagash, had awaken many tomb kings and their like. But still the Orcs were left clueless. Marching south, they came upon the pyramid of their acient nemesis, the great king Phar. Atop the pyramid was a great triangle of gold and jewel glinting in the sunlight. The Orcs saw but plunder and battle in this, both of which rule the Ork Pshyche and took it as a blessing.
They ransacked and plundered the 4 great pyramids and were making thier retreat when two greedy goblins decided that a glinty shiny sword might please their boss. When the great king was awoken, he cleaved these two goblins easily. He was enraged and harkend to the priest to raise his army. After a great march, they met the small clan at the foot of their war camp and raized it to the ground, regaining much of their lost treasures and sending the goblins and orks running. But what became of this broken tribe? None can say. That is, except for Cap'n Stonethroat.
Part 2- A walk in the Wood
Running through the forest madly, never turning to see if they were being chased for fear of being sliced apart by the magicky arrows that had killed the tribes biggest lugs, Stonethroat almost felt swifter wearing this silly Green cape. All he knew was that he wanted to put distance between him and those walking 'Uumie bags of bones. He stopped after he reached a clearing. Panting heavily he turned to see his dear friends Gribbit and Ragwort were right behind him running towards him. Ragwort leapt skillfully over a nearby trees root that formed a miniature arc before reaching Stonethroat. Gribbit being very stupid even by an orcs standard and extremely fat for a goblin ran right into the root, nearly knocking himself cold. Forgetting their situation for a moment, Stonethroat and Ragwort broke out into peals of laughter rousing Gribbit from his momentary slumber.
"Oh, shut up, ur just a couple uh 'Uumie lovin gits yeh are." said Gribbit, frowning deeply.
"Might wanna cut bak on the larded Rat tails eh Gribbit?" Mocked Ragwort before beginning to laugh once more. Stonethroat began to look around, a bit puzzeled.
"Ow long we bin runnin fer boyz?" he asked, a bit worried.
"Long time, think we outran the last orc boy around thirty trees back." said Gribbit, wiping the mud from tree's root off his chest. "Yu ain' woried ar yeh Stonethroat?" gribbit said, beginning to break a smile.
"Me? Woried? Nah yeh stupid fat thing." said stonethroat, a look of insult upon Gribbit's face. "I never been this far inta the forest befur" said Stonethroat "Wut 'bout u boyz?"
"Never" said Ragwort
"I'm 'ungry" replied Gribbit scratching his belly for a moment, "Wut we got round here to eat?" he asked, his beady eyes darting back and forth.
"I'd worry 'bout findin the uver boyz first." said Stonethroat "Lets start 'eadin bak, we mite find some uver gobbos on dah way." They began to head back, peering left and right as they went as to not miss anything. Suddenly a rustling could be heard coming from their left. Stonethroat quickly drew his small dagger and the whip he had taken from the body of their slain bully. Just as he was about to keep walking, two beady red eyes seemed to open as if the bush had just awoken. Ragwort leapt back fumbling for his bow whilst gribbit raised his small hatchet, which to him, was nearly a great axe. Out of the Bush walked a large squig which was over twice the size of any of the grots. His Flesh was pure orange with black slashes Across its back. A Tiger Squig. It stared hungrily at Stonethroat, flicking its tounge back and forth across the brim of it's mouth. Ragwort began to shake and released his arrow which plunged deeply into the side of the Squig. The Squig let out a great roar and turned quickly towards Ragwort, charging towards him. Stonethroat Leapt onto the back of the squig, slinging the whip through the squigs mouth like a rein. He pulled back on it forcing its head up. He pulled the arrow from the squigs side and slapped the side of the squig continualy until the squig stopped trying to devour Ragwort long enough for him to leap away. "Ok, Lets git back teh the camp fer we git 'nymore surprises."
They continued to make their way back to the camp and upon reaching it, found the camp sacked and burned to the ground. Many Orcs had returned but many more goblins had returned and everyone was equally angered.
"Dem's Stupid Boney Boyz 'as got it comin', Ah say we go bak an get 'em!"
"Dey took all Deyz glinty stuff back an now we don got none!"
"It's all doze gobbos fault!"
"Yeah! Da Gobbos!"
And so the heated debate of the remaining orcs and goblins continued late into the night arguing about things such as where to go now and how they would get food, to things as stupid as which boyz were responsible for their loss and who could fit the most grots into their mouth at once. Soon enough, however, who would become the new boss would become the most important debate of all...
I'm kinda beat, so I'm gonna go crash for now. Tell me wut you think. I'l write more tomorrow.
Hi there, great to know Im not the only one writing Green fluff. Did you know that the tigersquig you wrote about has a model? Its at least painted like that.....GWs squigmania....
Greetings from Sweden
Nice warhammer video
Part 3- The New Boss
The Argument had been going on for sometime, and even the sun had begun to dim. The orcs still could not figure out whatever it was they were trying to figure out. Random blurbs pushed into the main conversation left most of the goblins, essentially in the dark. However, some actually did realize that the entire exchanging of sentences was a way of determining who was the biggest, and therefore, the rightful boss.
"Ah once 'ait four 'Uumies alive wivout even finkin', and dey didn't even make me belch!"
"Oh yeah? Well Ah once ripped de arm off uv one uv doze' runty dwarfs and beat his friends to deaf wiv' it!"
"U fink dats bad eh? Ah killed a Beastie Minotaur boy wiv mah bare 'ands!"
"U did not yeh stupid git, dat fing woulda stomped yeh good"
Listening to all of this left most of the goblins wondering what was going to happen to them should the orcs realize that when the skelton boyz had raided the camp, they burned all the meat. Some of them began to wander off into the edge of the woods, hoping if they did get hungry, they might get a jump off the other goblins and perhaps get away. Gribbit, Ragwort and Stonethroat however were busy chatting with a few other goblins about how Stonethroat had wrestled a squig, how Ragwort had nearly pisssed himself when it tried to eat him, and how Gribbit had run face first into a tree root. Some of the stupider gobbos tried to poke the squig, which Stonethroat had named Slasha, but when they got too close, Slasha would rear about trying to eat them, but he never caught one. One time, a goblin was dumb enought to get really close to him with a stick, and when he poked him with it, Slasha devoured the stick without even blinking. This of course, scaring the living crap out of the goblin and he let out a high pitched squeel and ran off.
"Wut u fink da orc boyz is talkin' 'bout?" Asked Gribbit.
"Isn't it obvious?" asked Ragwort
"No" replied Gribbit
Sighing heavily, Ragwort began to shake his head "Dey're agruing over uh's gonna be dah new boss, cuz de old one got 'is cut off an' tied onta a big swingy stik."
"Oh," Said Gribbit, pausing for a second "wuts a swingy stik?"
"Never u min', Wut r we gonna do when doze boyz get 'ungry?" Asked Ragwort
"We'z gonna run like we ahwayz do" said a goblin which was a bit smaller then everyone else.
"Wut aboot uz?" Raised a small voice from the feet of the goblins. The goblins looked down to see that a massive amount of snotlings had joined the conversation. "We'ze don' wanna git eeten!" said another little one "Yeh, we gut enuf problums" said anoth Snotling "Ah don like dark places!" Said another
"Ok, ok, then wut do we'z do?" Asked one of the Goblins leaning on the wooden palisade. A Large chorus of voices could be heard coing from the center of the camp. The Two biggest orks that were left were facing off in a circle of orcs all hollering and hooting and wagering teeth on who the winner would be. The one towards the mountain side of camp was a big orc that had a scar on his face from when they had fought a small band of Desert Raiders heading where they were and the other was a stuntier orc, but many believed him to be the strongest in their clan. Suddenly they bull rushed each other slashing and hacking and trying to kill the other as best they could. Some of the boyz on the outside of the makeshift ring were actually fighting themselves. One orc sunk his choppa into the head of another orc and then some orc tat appeared to be his friend stabbed that orc in the chest. Suddenly a large kin battle had erupted and no one would be able to win this outright. Stonethroat ran to the top of an ale barrel and shouted to the goblins.
"Gobbos! We 'av ben kiked an' punted an' eaten long enuf! Itz time we did da killin and da puntin and da eatin! Ah say, we take over dis clan and kill all the Orcie boyz dat say uverwise! Wut do u say?" Many goblins were pleased to hear this, but some were not so easily swayed.
"But, da Orc boyz 'av been protectin us. Wivout dem, we'd be ezy pikins!" said one
"Wut do we need dem for? nobodys ever attacked us except jus now and dat wuz cause day wuz around! Lez get rid of em."
All of the snotlings liked the plan and almost all of the gobbos liked it too, but those that didn't tried to stay away from the camp so they wouldn't be thought to be part of it. There were only eight orcs still fighting each other and there were over 300 snotlings and 90 goblins still left from the battle. Raising their small weapons they charged at the orcs screamin and hootin and holleringa as they went. One orc saw them coming, but when the goblin archers stopped to fire their bows, He turned around and started to run away. The Goblin archers released their arrows and from them took down upwards at around 3 orcs. The other orcs saw this and charged right into the wave of snotlings. The snotlings being very little, were very hard to smash when in a big group, swarming over the bodies of the orcs and stabbing and hacking away. Now there was only one left. Stonethorat saw this and hollered at him " Ay yu! Ah challenge yu fer the rite of da clan!" The ork chuckled a bit and walked over to him.
"Ah accept ur challenge u runty lil' grot!" he replied. He drew his choppa and hooting madly ran into stonethroat waving his arms in the air. Stonethroat bounded out of the way at the last moment, drawing his small dagger across the back of the orcs knee. The Orc let out a scream of pain and his eyes turned blood red. He forced himself back up and charged agiain with his arms out wide as to not miss the grot. Stonethroat grabbed his whip and whiped it way up high on an overhanging tree branch. he then pulled hard and sent himself shooting up into the tree. He then hopped way over the orc bring his whip down right across the orcs back.
"Like dat U stupid mongrel." The Orc let out a roar of frustration and whipped around, snatching up the goblin by the neck.The orc then began to chuckle.
"You actually thot u 'ad a chance!" Said the orc baring his teeth."But now I'm gonna eat you and enjoy every bite!" Yelled the orc. "Heh heh heh-YEEEOOOOW!!!!!" The orc shrieked throwing Stonethroat far into the clump of snotlings. When Stonethroat looked up, he saw that Slasha had tried to eat the orcs entire right leg, and now, covered it entirely with the orc spinning in circles trying to get him off. Now with the Orc's back turned, Stonethroat Grabbed his dagger and leapt onto the back of the Orc. He thrust the dagger repeatedly into the back of the skull of the Orc until he finally stopped shaking and fell to the ground, dead. Slasha of course, bit off the rest of his leg, rotated it closckwise like a bone and ran over nearby the fire to eat his dinner. A massive cheer went up for Stonethroat, the new big boss of the clan.