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This is a little something I'm working on...what do you think?
Kinsky Kruger woke with a start. "Hurry up you useless excuse for a son, you'll be late ofr your days lessons! I have to pay for those you know!" came a non-to-pleased cry from his father. "Sorry father," Kinsky growled as he stumbled out of bed. He'd had about enough of his life sofar. Wake up, rushed out without a meal, beaten if nessecary. Go to the days lessons in the local schoolhouse (local being 3 kilometers away), and be laughed at, made fun of, and beaten up. Come home, and be forced into chopping wood in the forest, and end the day exhausted, and sometimes without a meal.
'Payed for it my ass', Kinsky thought, 'all your money goes to the tavern you old dog'. Kinsky's mother had died when he was a baby, and he was starting to wonder if that was a good thing or a bad thing...who sane would a person been to marry his father?
As he made his way to the schoolhouse, he met up with Marlon Davies. "Hey you! Horse droppings! get over here!" "Not today..." Kinsky said in a half mumble. "HEY! RUNT! WHERES YOUR DADDY NOW?!" He yelled. Kinsky began to run. He could hear Marlon's quickened pace behind him. "WHERE YOU GOING RUNT?"
At least he was faster than most people he knew.
Eventually he got to the schoolhouse, after having to take a shot cut through the woods to escape Marlon's persistant pursuit. That was a creepy experience. The local tales told of half beast-half man creatures and worse besides dwelling in those haunted woods.
"...and that is why the Empire is the grandest and moste powerful realm of man in the old world!" finished the instructor. "Ahhh...Master Kruger, your late, again...". "And don't try your excuses again...they grow tiresome."
Kinsky walked up to the front of the class to be whipped, he had almost gotten used to it by now, almost like a routine. One, two, three...four...they got more painful as they went along.
At lunch (this time ment little, as Kinsky rarely had one), he was beaten up by Marlon and his buddies, Jarl and Yousan.
By the end of the day, Kinsky was ready to hit the hay, but of course, when he got home, it was straight to work for his bastard of a father. "Get the axe and get to work, boy," his father called as soon as he had passed the gate. "Yes, father."
Kinsky hobbled down the hill and into the forest.
"Cut the wood, clean the pots, fetch me my ale..." Kinsky grumbled as he hacked at a fallen tree. It was getting late, but if he got back before the third toll of the town bell, he would be beaten. As he took his anger out on the dead wood, hack, hack, hack...he heard a crack somewhere to his left. He snapped his head to his left, finding nothing, but being tired, and fearful of the woods, he was spooked. "Whos t-there?" Kinsky stuttered.
A cold breeze ran though the trees. A shiver ran up Kinsky's spine. Kinsky turned around, and saw...
Nothing. He backed up, retreating from nothing, and yet, something. He stumbled into a tree, hit his head hard. He looked up, to see a man walking towards him...was it a man? a beast of legend? Was it coming to help or hinder? The man approched and knelt over the boy...Kinsky blacked out.
Kinsky's first thought was 'what...?'. The next second, he was fearful of his father's wrath. 'what would he do? how long have I been asleep? who was that...man?' so amny questions, too little time. Kinsky ran, and ran and ran and ran. He didn't know why, but he couldn't go back, something compelled him deeper into the forest. He kept running until he collapsed, and breathing hard, propped himself up on a log. He'd never been this far into the woods before, he didn't even know someone could come this far alive...
Another snap, Kinsky snapped around. But whatever it was, it wasen't being subtle, it was out for a kill. The beastman launched himself from the bushes where he had been conceeld. Kinsky rolled at the last second. The beastman hurtled into the log with a sickening thump. Kinsky's bad roll threw him also into a tree. He got up as fast as his weakened legs could carry him, and rose to see the beastman already running his way.
Kinsky let loose a kick into the beast's head, only to have the same foot driven back in the form of a knee to the face...his knee. Bleeding, he slumped to the ground, dazed and injured. The beastman, sensing victory, bent over to deliver a coup, and was suprised with Kinsky rolling to the side, jumpping atop the beastman, and bitting at his jugular.
Blood squirted to the ground as the beast fell. The inhuman speed and savagry suprised Kinsky as much as it did his opponent. What was happening? Why him, it was always him...
Kinsky awoke the next day, or was it night, he was so far into the woods, that the boughs blocked out what little sun made it past the clouds. His head hurt, where was he? What...
He smelled something he had never really smelled before, death. He turned to his side and saw the dead beastman lying next to him. Now he remembered.
Kinsky noticed he was hungry, he hadn't eaten since the night before his fateful venture into the woods. He looked around for something, anything. This was when he was struck by just how hunry he really was, it wasn't you average stomache ache, this was a pain, not even quite in his belly... In his soul.
[I]'Where to find food,'/I] he thought. As he walked along, clutching his belly for all the good it did him, something struck him, and idea, an awful, disgusting, idea, yet somehow appealing. The beastman was meat, was it not? Kinsky shook off this idea, and scolded himself for even thinking of it. No sustanince can come from such a creature of evil...surely...
There was the crackle of dead leaves, and before he knew what he was doing, Kinsky had launched hinself in the direction of the noise. He landed on a hare, and broke its neck.
Before it had even fully died, Kinsky was ripping at it's throat with his bare teeth, drinking the warm, coppery blood flowing from it's veins. As soon as the hungering had subsided, Kinsky fully realized what he had just done, he had not eaten any meat, just drank the hare's blood...what was wrong with him?
As he walked deeper into the forest, he noticedhow cold it was getting, which was strange because it was the middle of summer. Suddenly, a crude spear whooshed from the bushes, and impaled him. 'No...,' thought kinsky as he expected to die.
He soon noticed that not only was he feeling no pain, but that he wasen't...even...bleeding!
A beastman, much like the first he had encountered, except bigger, rushed from the trees, angered by Kinsky's denial of a quick kill. The beast roared, and brought up a clawed hand, bringing it down onto Kinsky's head, except it never made it...
Kinsky dodged, grabbed the beast's arm, and simply crushed it. 'How did I get so strong?!' thought Kinsky, more out of suprise than out of lack of thanks.
He quickley proceeded to break on of the monster's legs backwards, and snap it's neck, instantly diving into it's throat, thirsting for blood.
As soon as he has discarded the broken husk of hte beast, he yanked the spear from his body, feeling no pain, and watched in amazement as the wound slowley began to close up.
It was then that he noticed that he, Kinsky Kruger, had no heartbeat.
Days later, wondering through the woods, and disparing at what was happening to him, he came across an ivy-covered tower, reaching past the forest canopy. He walked up to it, and noticed it had no door. He puzzled at this for a fair while until his thoughts were interupted by...nothing, or had it been nothing? That wind, that coldness, even colder than he had become of late, had returned, that strange sensation. He looked around, as if seeking its source, and saw a man, that man, standing in the clearing behind him. "You," Kinsky said, as if he even knew who, or what, he was. "Me," the man replied in a calm, and...errily toneless voice. "What do you want?!" Kinsky could feel anger rising from nowhere. "To be true, you, that is why I chose you, outof all the humans I could have chosen from your pathetic little village, I chose you because, unlike the others, you didn't lack the...hatred..." the man said without taking a breath. "You should be thankful, i've taken you away from your monotonous life, and made you into something...altogether...more..." "What are you talking about?" cried Kinsky. He wanted to attack this newcomer, but he could feel some force preventing him, the same force the made him attack without thinking usually.
"Come with me, and I'll show you a way that you can get revenge, and have everything you've ever wanted..." the man said. Mindlessly almost, Kinsky followed the man up to the tower, and the man simply stepped right through the wall! Kinsky felt like a fool, as he made to walk into a wall, until he had past through it... His world was changing more every second...
His vision blurred, and his world went dark as he got the feeling of accending rapidly. He felt refreshed, as if after a good bath, as he hit the floor at the top room of the tower. "Welcome, to my...modest dwelling," the stranger said, sitting on a chair at the far end of the room. "Why have you brought me here?" Kinsky asked, exasperated for reasons unknown to him. "The question should be, why have you come? Why have you been compelled onward, threat of death surely would've turned you back, should it not have?" Kinsky was about to interject, when he was cut off. "You were compelled, because I willed it, fear of death did not deter you, because you, like myself, cannot die."
Could this be true? Was he...immortal somehow? "You even now are wondering how this can be so..." the stranger said, as if reading his thoughts. "Your life has been plagues by people putting you down," "Yes-" "-Yes, and they have never cared for you, never helped you, in fact, they have done everything they could to not help you," said the stranger.
"Do you hate them?" "Yes," said Kinsky. "Do you want revenge...?" "Yes," Kinsky replied again. "Welcome...Kinsky Kruger, to Undeath..."
"Un...-," "- Death, yes, you, are not living, not human even, you are immortal, and I can teach you what you need to be able to not only take revenge, but lay low any and all that stnd in your way!" "You...can help me?" Kinsky inquired, still in shock from the realization of his immortality. "Yes, and I will start by teaching you the basics, first off, subtlety is the key, you can't go around sucking the blood from everyone you see right off the bat!"
"Sucking...?" "You are a vampire Kinsky, and nothing you do can change that, but this is not a gift, as some believe, but a gift." "My name is Erievvesn Von Carstein, and I will be your mentor and master." "Thank you, master," said Kinsky, almost in a trance.
"You shall henceforth be known as Kinsky Von Carstein, seventy second of the Von Carstein lineage of vampires," said Erievvesn in a lordly voice.
"You need not rest, nor nourishment, but you will need to recover from time to time, you will fall into a sleep-like state, make sure your in a secure location when this happens, or it would be the last thing you do!" "Also, when it comes to drinking blood, don't wantonly kill, at least until I have finished training you, for the slaves of the witch hunters, and the diluted zealots of the sigmarite church will have your head, and your heart..."
TO BE CONTINUED...
-The God of all Machines
Last edited by The_Omnissiah; March 1st, 2007 at 00:57. Reason: Added a tad bit more
Thanks for submitting that The_Omnissiah, keep up the creative writing!(Y)
added some more to the story.
-The God of all Machines
Very good story Rei......THE OMNISSIAH!!!!! *golum*golum* (who said that....)
I especially like the part relationship between author and character. I also liked the part where the guy was trying to do the thing with the person who was trying to get him to do that other thing with that thing, you know the one?:tongue: You seem to convey such passion, and feeling......and HATRED!!!!*golum*golum*
I only had time and energy to scan it, but I'm printing it off to read later. From what I saw it looked good.
I envy anyone who can write a good narrative. I can do a bang up job with an essay, but narratives escape me.
I'll reply later with my literary analysis. :shifty:
Looking forward to it
-The God of all Machines
The intro section is good. You don't waste a lot of time with needless exposition. You give background of your main character's life, a background which ties into the plot line, and you get him in trouble quickly. Which is good. It generates immediate interest, instead of making the reader sit around and wait for something exciting to happen while a parade of characters is introduced.
What I think didn't work so well overall is this: At the end of this section, the vampire who sired Kinsky says that he picked Kinsky because he had some internal hatred.
I think you should make a greater effort to bring out this internal hatred in Kinsky. Sure, you tell us why he might feel this way: he's picked on ruthlessly and beaten by just about everybody he knows. But the picture we get of him is that of a whipped dog.
We never really see him get angry. He never seethes, clenches his jaw, vows revenge, or anything. You should really make him seem to have some underlying hate in him.
I liked the pacing of the story. You didn't linger on scenes longer than was necessary. As I already said, you got to the meat of the matter quickly. I'm not sure the second beastman fight is necessary. It seems a bit redundant. I wonder if you could get all you wanted from just one encounter?
And maybe a bit more description of the character's physical appearances.
I like the word choice. Hobbled down the hill. Diving into the beastman's throat.The spear whooshed and impled him. Very active word choice, which makes for good writing.
Thanks man! Ya, aboot the anger thing, I just kinda figured that it was mostly internal, like he always held it in (and had multipul peptic ulcers ) because if he ever spoke out against anyone, he'd be even more beaten. But I do see your point, and it is certainly a valid one.
Thanks for the crit.
-The God of all Machines