Anyone got any good.. or bad Warhammer jokes?

Heres one i made up right now

"Why did the space marine cross the road"

"To roll a 3+"

How many Slaaneshi cultists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two. But don't ask how they got there.

LoC

Why does the Orc Warboss need a hanky?

...cause his nose is filled with Snotlings....Nose Goblins....

meh you did say bad joke right?

"My carnifex has no nose."

"How does he smell?"

"Terrible!"

Thankyou, thankyou. You're a great audience. I'm here all week. So's the veal.

-_-....all pitiful efforts:

Why did the space marine cross the road?

To try to pick up the sister of battle

*bada bada ching*

ive got a feeling im drifting too deep into geekism....must...pull away...ARGH!!

OK, so you want a bad 40K joke. Please note, I am so very sorry about this joke - it is awful:

Why didn't the Great Unclean One like the Bloodthirster's jokes?

They were too Khorney:x

I'm so very sorry *hangs head in shame*

lmfao i laughed so hard at that one, nice one!;)

Why didn't the Firewarrior cross the road?

Because he'd rather stand and shoot!

OH HO HO!

Bindun.

There once was this Black and White Space Marine on a Black and White Bike, and being the hero-type person that he was, he wanted to marry the commander's daughter. So he went up to the palace, and the guard naturally inquired "Who goes there?"

To which the Black and White Space Marine replied: "I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter."

"Not *the* Black and White Space Marine on *the* Black and White Bike?"

"Yes, *the* Black and White Space Marine on *the* Black and White Bike."

"OK, pass."

So the Black and White Space Marine proceeded up to the commander's chamber.

"Who goes there?" asked the commander.

"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike and I want to marry your daughter" replied the Black and White Space Marine.

"Not *the* Black and White Space Marine on *the* Black and White Bike?"

"Yes, *the* Black and White Space Marine on *the* Black and White Bike."

"OK, if you complete three tasks, you may take my daughter's hand in marriage" the commander told the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike. "Your first task is to slay the dragon on Xylon III".

On the Black and White Space Marine's way out, the guard once again asked, "Who goes there"?"

To which the Black and White Space Marine replied "I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter."

"Not *the* Black and White Space Marine on *the* Black and White Bike?"

"Yes, *the* Black and White Space Marine on *the* Black and White Bike."

"OK, pass."

The Black and White Space Marine then proceeded with ease to kill the dragon and six months later returned with the head of the foul beast. On his way into the palace the guard inquired "Who goes there?"

To which the Black and White Space Marine replied "I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter".

"Not *the* Black and White Space Marine on *the* Black and White Bike?"

"Yes, *the* Black and White Space Marine on *the* Black and White Bike."

"OK, pass."

So the Black and White Space Marine proceeded up to the commander's chamber.

"Who goes there?" asked the commander.

"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike and I want to marry your daughter" replied the Black and White Space Marine.

"Not *the* Black and White Space Marine on *the* Black and White Bike?"

"Yes, *the* Black and White Space Marine on *the* Black and White Bike."

"OK, if you complete three tasks, you may take my daughter's hand in marriage" the commander told the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike. "Your second task is to climb the highest peak on Desgrus Beta".

On his way out the guard once again asked, "Who goes there?"

To which the Black and White Space Marine replied "I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter".

"Not *the* Black and White Space Marine on *the* Black and White Bike?"

"Yes, *the* Black and White Space Marine on *the* Black and White Bike."

"OK, pass."

The Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike easily climbed the mountain and returned 4 years later. On his way into the palace the guard inquired "Who goes there?"

To which the Black and White Space Marine replied "I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter."

"Not *the* Black and White Space Marine on *the* Black and White Bike?"

"Yes, *the* Black and White Space Marine on *the* Black and White Bike."

"OK, pass."

So the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike proceeded up to the commander's chamber.

"Who goes there?" asked the commander.

"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike and I want to marry your daughter" replied the Black and White Space Marine.

"Not *the* Black and White Space Marine on *the* Black and White Bike?"

"Yes, *the* Black and White Space Marine on *the* Black and White Bike."

"OK, if you complete three tasks you may take my daughter's hand in marriage" the commander told the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike. "Your third and final task is to swim across the acid lake outside the palace."

On the Black and White Space Marine's way out the guard once again asked, "Who goes there?"

To which the Black and White Space Marine replied "I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter."

"Not *the* Black and White Space Marine on *the* Black and White Bike?"

"Yes, *the* Black and White Space Marine on *the* Black and White Bike."

"OK, pass."

Once again the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike easily completed his task and returned to the palace for the final time.

On his way into the palace the guard inquired "Who goes there?"

To which the Black and White Space Marine replied "I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter".

"Not *the* Black and White Space Marine on *the* Black and White Bike?"

"Yes, *the*Black and White Space Marine on *the* Black and White Bike."

"OK, pass."

So the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike proceeded up to the commander's chamber.

"Who goes there?" asked the commander.

"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike and I want to marry your daughter" replied the Black and White Space Marine.

"Not *the* Black and White Space Marine on *the* Black and White Bike?"

"Yes, *the* Black and White Space Marine on *the* Black and White Bike. May I marry your daughter now?"

"Sure."

...............wow.... UGH THAT...WAS........CRUEL

No wonder that joke is hated. Say it in a GW and your banned for life:|

Man that was the funniest though not funniy-ist thing ive read.

heres one!

so two hormugaunts are standing guard around the corridors of a hive ship, when one turns to the other and says, "----------- ---- --------"

to this the other replies " --- ----------!"

heh

A Mordianian officer and a Catachan private both go into the bathroom, while there they both use a urinal but only the Mordianian stops to wash his hands after he finishes. The Catachan begins to zip up and walk out when the Mordianian officers barks " On Mordian they teach us to wash our hands when we finish pissing trooper !" To which the Catachan replies "On Catachan they teach us not to piss on ourself , Sir !"

This is not really a Warhammer spasific joke, but I have to tell it.

What do cowardly cannabils eat?

Chicken Fingers!!!

:x

-Doom

Ah, the two baddest of the bad havn't been posted!

Why does Tzeentch have a Thousand Sons when Slaanesh is the god of sex?

Why doesn't the World Eaters have a homeworld?
Becuase they ate it!

A Mordianian officer and a Catachan private both go into the bathroom, while there they both use a urinal but only the Mordianian stops to wash his hands after he finishes. The Catachan begins to zip up and walk out when the Mordianian officers barks " On Mordian they teach us to wash our hands when we finish pissing trooper !" To which the Catachan replies "On Catachan they teach us not to piss on ourself , Sir !"

Mordianian?

Old like hell where I come from but...

Troth the unclean and a giant rat was doing number 2 in the woods.

- Do you have a problem with **** sticking in your fur? ( troth )
- No. the rat replied.
- Good! said troth and wiped his butt with the rat.

No wonder that joke is hated. Say it in a GW and your banned for life:|

Man that was the funniest though not funniy-ist thing ive read.


which 1 and how so :wacko:

Why does Tzeentch have a Thousand Sons when Slaanesh is the god of sex?


Because Slaanesh is the mother of the Emperors Children.

ahhh the black and white space marine on the black and white bike. Not to many people understand its purpose. Designed purely to upset crappy joke threads (although this one is fairly amusing).

alright... im just winging this one....

two tau firewarriors are standing trenches outside of sieged imperial city.

they are watching another aireal strike go by when one Tau remarks to the other,
"you know, none of this seems to be serving the Greater Good"
the other turns to him and says "well what do you mean?"
He in turn replies, "Well look at us, we are besieging a race which is already being destroyed by everyother race in the galaxy. Once they are gone, who do you think everyone else is gonna turn on? the Tyranids? No my friend, we'll be the next ones to go. In fact, the greater good shouldnt even use violence! it should... ..... ( he rambles away)

soon the talkative Firewarrior realises that his partner has backed away to the other side of the trench.

"hey, what are you doing over there" he shouts.

His partner points behind the other firewarrior. The talkitive one turns around and right in his face is the barrel of a hammerhead tank.
Before the tank fires he hears his partner yell, "Its for the Greater good!"


eh... i know.. i was just sitting here and....well kinda made it up on the spot... which is no excuse for how lame it is...

A child of the empire is sitting on the schoolyard when Sigmar suddenly appears before him.
- You are a blessed child, says Sigmar, and I shall give you one wish. Wish anything you want.
- Anything? the kid asks.
- Yes.
- Well.. he says and pulls out a map from his pocket. - See this spot here?( he points) I want peace there, cause my father is fighting at that place now.
- Hmmm.. no. I cant do anything about it. I cant stop entire wars just like that! Wish something else.
- Ok. I would like the other kids to stop bullying me, and calling me names, and hitting me. I just want to be a normal boy without problems!

Sigmar is quiet for a while then he sighs and says:
- Let me see that bloody map again!

that was funny... but whos sigmar?

that was funny... but whos sigmar?
The Fatasy God of the Empire...

-Doom

How many Emperial Guards are needed to change a lightbulb ?

0, they have their own LaserFlashLightGun.





On a far far and distant planet the Tau and the Imperial Guards are starting a war. the Tau Captain said to the Commander ''My lord !! They are Marking us !!!!! they got millions of them''

Ten minutes later the captain go see the commander again ''My lort !! They are still Marking us !!!!''




I had to say it :P

What does an ork and a guardsman have in common?

They are both green, except for the guardsman.

What is the difference between a "screamer-killer" and a fex?

There is none, I lied.

What is green and spongy?

A sponge.

What is green and flies through walls?

a super ork.

What is blue and splats against walls?

a tau that tried to be a super ork.

That is what I got for know

ok, ive got a really bad one....

why did the space marine cross the road?

to get to the other side:x

OK, so you want a bad 40K joke. Please note, I am so very sorry about this joke - it is awful:

Why didn't the Great Unclean One like the Bloodthirster's jokes?

They were too Khorney:x

I'm so very sorry *hangs head in shame*

mint, loving it!

what's khornes faverate food?
Khorne on the cob:x

what is khornes biggest secret?
he's secretly a veggitarian:x

carnefex walks into a bar
the bartender asks "what would you like to have?"
"i'll have one bartender please." -crunch

Why did the terminators deep strike?

To get away from all the bad jokes

ok. bear with me:


An imperial guardsman, a jedi, and a nazi all walk into a bar together laughing and chatting like old friends. They sit down at the bar, and the bartender turns to see his new customers. But as the barkeep recognizes the trio, he immediately turns around, pulls out a shotgun, and procceeds to clear all three with one sprayed shot. A drunk sitting two stools down asks the bartender "why'd you shoot those three guys, hoss?"

The bartender puts the gun away, pulls out a mop, and replies "Cause my bar ain't about to be the butt of another bad joke."



HUZZAH!

Because Slaanesh is the mother of the Emperors Children.

FINALLY! Someone other than me says this!

Anyway, while we're all contributing to the slew of bad jokes here...

What do you call a lasgun with a flashlight? Twin-linked.

[Insert nonstop litany of puns involving the word "Nob" here]

My Space Marine joke...THE SPACE WOLVES!

Eldar: $%!* happened to us, now we have a life of self denial.
Dark Eldar: We Cause $%!* to happen to everyone else.
Exodites: We Ran Away Before the $%!* happened.
Space Marines: The Emperor protects us from $%!*.
Chaos: The Emperor is $%!*.
Tau: $%!* happens to everyone but us.
Orks: What is $%!*?
Necrons: We caused $%!* to happen ages ago and we're back to do it again.
Tyranids: Mmmm.... $%!*
Inquisiton: We shall purge the $%!*.

Ok... umm... How many inquisitors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to screw in the lightbulb, one to outlaw lightbulbs, and one to deny that lightbulbs ever existed.

Best Use for all the races of 40k.

Tau: That Robot Butler you always wanted.
Eldar: Traffic Cones
Dark Eldar: Projectiles
Orks: Getting even with that bully you never liked.
Tyranids: Finishing that dinner you never liked... vegitables etc...
Chaos: Making your anti government speaches.
Guard: Target Practice
Space Marines: No use at all... Sorry... We Tried...

Thats all I got for now.

Eldar: $%!* happened to us, now we have a life of self denial.
Dark Eldar: We Cause $%!* to happen to everyone else.
Exodites: We Ran Away Before the $%!* happened.
Space Marines: The Emperor protects us from $%!*.
Chaos: The Emperor is $%!*.
Tau: $%!* happens to everyone but us.
Orks: What is $%!*?
Necrons: We caused $%!* to happen ages ago and we're back to do it again.
Tyranids: Mmmm.... $%!*
Inquisiton: We shall purge the $%!*.

Ok... umm... How many inquisitors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to screw in the lightbulb, one to outlaw lightbulbs, and one to deny that lightbulbs ever existed.

Best Use for all the races of 40k.

Tau: That Robot Butler you always wanted.
Eldar: Traffic Cones
Dark Eldar: Projectiles
Orks: Getting even with that bully you never liked.
Tyranids: Finishing that dinner you never liked... vegitables etc...
Chaos: Making your anti government speaches.
Guard: Target Practice
Space Marines: No use at all... Sorry... We Tried...

Thats all I got for now.

Rofl.

Guard: We take all the $%!*!

Incidentally (and very well done, by the way) there is a $%!* happens poster featuring all major religions (and some that aren't). It really is quite good.

I can't resist this thread's uber bad jokes.

Cause of death of a guardsmen durinf live ammo training :

Epileptic shock ^_^

What happens to a space marine who commits suicide by bolter ?

He fails.

What happens to a guardsmen who commints suicide by lasgun ?

A bad sunburn.

What happens to a terminator that is about to run out of power ?

Starts the screen saver.

What is the first cause of death amongst guardsmen ?

Commissar's bolt pistol.

How many Space Wolves does it take to screw in a light bulb?

As many as it does to eat a cat!

So Seven? I don't get it...

Me neither.... :(

Ok guys this is a long one, so if your bored get ready to be entertained



The Imperial Guard doesn't need cover, they ARE cover!



CSM:Knock, knock
SM:Who's there?
CSM:Boo
SM:Boo who?
CSM:STOP CRYING YOU LACKY OF THE GOLDEN THRONE!!!!!!!



A Slaneesh demonnette (sp?) was found, half dead, by a platoon of imperial guard, who screamed "foul abomination" and walked along by....

Next, a sister of battle came past, screamed "foul abomination", cast some protective runes on herself, and walked along by......

Next, a space marine came past, put a bullet in it's leg, and left it there to die a sorrowful death....

Next, an ancient and wise Eldar came along....

5 minutes later, he walked out of the bush, muttering under his breath "they don't make them like they used to......"



Battlecry of followers of Khorne: Blood for the Blood God!
Battlecry of followers of Slaneesh: Porn for the Porn God!



What do you call it when two Space Wolves are playing catch with a live krak gernade on a three second timer?

A good outcome either way!



Things you don't wanna hear when you're in the Imperial Guard:

"We're outta ammo?"

"CHARGE!!!""

Khorne Beserkers good fighters? Us Cadians can handle them!"

"You mean you FORGOT the Leman Russes?"

"Why are the Dark Angels surrounding us?"

"Welcome to the Cata- PRIVATE!!!! THERE'S A WRINKLE IN YOUR BANDANA!!!! IRON IT OUT, THEN GIVE ME 500 LAPS AROUND THE BASE!!"

"Funny, the Ogryns don't smell as bad when dead."

"Hey, a grenade without a pin!"

"You just had to forget the gas for the chimera, didn't you?"

"You know, guys...Chaos isn't SO bad"

"Fix bayonets!"

"Whaddya mean orbital bombardment?"

"We missed our shooting phase?"

"Hey, Sarge, this thing just fell out of the sky, it's all fleshy and squishy, and there are scratching noises inside.

"Colonel: "We're gonna die! We should all flee!"
Commissar: "Just this once, I agree with you!""

"Extermina-what?"

"Hehe, that's a good practical joke, plugging the tank's guns... let's stay really close to it so we can see the looks on their faces!"

"Our regiment has been assigned to fight in the Third Armageddon War? Sounds fun!"

"Sweet! And I get to be one of them? Man, this is so cool! I can't wait! Hey, what are the Last Chancers anyway?"

"Boy, I hope those artillery guys got the right coordinates...""Hah! Those Chaos dopes spelled 'surrender' with only one R!"

"I'm your new commanding officer. Now, this is my first command, so go easy on me, okay?"

"See? Lasguns can take anything. Drop it, throw it in the swamp, use it as a
club, and it still...uh oh."

"Well, we're low on ammo, our radio's busted, and we've got genestealers coming in on all sides. Let's charge them!"

"What do you mean that the sisters of battle have taken a vow of chasity?"

Comanding officer: How did you guys find basic training? Hard? Unlucky, i had a blast flicking spitballs at Colonal J. Tightass during our survival Techneques lessons!

Theres a wraithlord on the board...

Sir, the necrons are here, they have a monolith, and we only have 30 lascannons.

Welcome recruit, we you be sharing bunks with Private R. Sole

Comrade: Aww look, a cute doggy.
You: That aint no doggy, thats a hormagaunt!

So whats with these Torches? What do you mean there guns?!

Radio of Colonal:
Careful of the mine feild, the Co-ords are *Crackly Radio interuption*
BANG!!!

"Why is my gun just a cardboard mock up?"

"I cant get in that chimera, its already on fire!"

"What do you mean take cover behind the bodies of the 423rd? We're the 423rd?"

"So what does this artillery locator beacon do?"

"When our moto says "Nobody walks away" Does it refer to them or us?"

"How can 9 minutes be an intensive training course?"

"You want me to put on this flak jacket? But theres a hole in it, and the hole is stained with blood!"

"When you say that the 422nd brought us fresh supplies of food, did you mean the 422nd were our fresh supply of food?"

"Genestealers?"

"Holy poo! these really are flashlights!"

"Hey, we have the same Inititive as the Salamanders, we can beat 'em!"

"Flashlight..Warmer..Cigarette lighter...Stun...Hey!..Where's the kill setting on this Lasgun??"

"Why are they giving out Oven Mits with those Plasma guns?.."

"Join the army they say, see the many worlds they say, I'd rather be working in the kitchen than earning my pay shining lights at Khorne Berserkers.."

"Why can't we fire before the artillery?..We are the Elites damn'it, we are the glory boys, the ones who get the spiffy targeters.."

"Hey..Isn't that OUR Leman Russ?..Then why does it have that funny star on the front?"

-"Forget THIS! *sound of las-pistol hitting the ground* Come on guys! FOR KHORN!"
Or better... *Sound of a liqour bottle being opened* "For Slannesh!"
Or maybe even... Sound of projectile vomiting "FOR NURGLE!"

Aha! Get that spotlight over on them, if our flashlights can kill, then it must be a template weapon!!!

"What does 'victory' mean?"

"Stop shining that thing at me!"

"Why's the plasma gun on..there aren't any ene-"

"So,you say your from the eye huh...nice powerfist,whats that growing on your neck?"

"Theres good news and bad news,the good news is we're going to war,the bad news is,we're the only ones going and we don't get any more supplies"

"Hey look! The Eldar are using girls! *much laughter* "HEY stop screaming in my ear!"

Plaque on a Lasgun: "Warning, can trigger epilepsy"

'Warning: Do not look down barrel of Lasgun, may cause eye damage'

"Sweet, that one Terminator only has a scythe. It says something, Man...something. Eh, he's headed this way, he'll be an easy kill."

"Dude, check out that one guy. His whole head is bald except for that really long top knot on top. He's a poser I bet."

"Hey, the Commisar said it was only going to be a bug hunt. How big can they get?"

"Dude, all we have to do is hold out till they transmit the codes to viral bomb the enemy!"

"Hey, I've been reassigned to Catachan? Anyone know where that is or what it's like?"

"Cool, I've been reassigned to fight with Fleet Leviathan. I've always wanted to see how the navy fights."

"Why's the forest moving?"

"Dear mom, it's very boring here. All I do is guard an archeaological team on this dead moon. Neat ruins but there's nothing to do, hold on a minute, somebody is yellin for me...."

"We're surrounded on all sides. This simplifies our problem. CHARGE!"



Space Marine Captain: Well the Chaos forces are massing for an offesive. and frankly we just dont have the numbers or the psykers!
Inquisiter: Well, I'd like to help yah but, there just aren't enough grey nights to go around.
Space Marine: Well, there is one thing we can do.
Inquisitor: Oh Yah!
Both look at an imperial guardsmen playing cards with his buddies
Space Marine: Well, we shall have to initiate Operation Human Shield!



Commissar: "Here, take this backpack over to that trench."
Guardsman: "Why, what's it going to do?"
Commissar: "Its a tactical nuclear weapon.....very small yeild."
Guardsman: "Ok, how's it work?"
Commissar: "You pull this string, and run. You'll have about five seconds."
Guardsman: "Five seconds. And how am I supposed to get away?"
Commissar: "You're not!"



(from sergeant to captain, through comm-link)
"Sir, the Grey Knights have just run past us screaming. Awaiting orders."



What the Emperor thinking...

"39,002 bottles of Emperor's Tears on the Wall, 39,002 bottles of Emperor's Tears, take one down, pass them around, 39,002 bottles of Emperor's Tears on the wall. 39,001 bottles. . ."

"You know, I've had this itch for 3,435 years, right at the base of my neck. . ."

"Why can't they hook up a playstation 40,000 in here?"

"Damn, my foot's asleep again."

"You know, when I said sacrifice 1000 souls to me daily, they must have misunderstood. I actually meant sacrifice 1000 COALS. It's so cold in this huge throne room..."



Why did the Catachan cross the road?
To get out of mortar friendly fire


Thats all for now :) Hope you liked it :w00t:

Some of that was pretty good (or nerdy bad, depends on how you see it...).

For just sheer mass of jokes, ill give you credit for it. Some of them made me laugh, some cringe.

so thats the black and white space marine on the black and white bike ive always wondered.

there are hundreds of these (i had a list of about six hundred) ive just copy nad pasted some (as im not putting all 600+ on here mainly cos i cant find them)

1. Thou shalt not refer to the Adeptus Soritas as "Bolter *****es," nor shalt thou go anywhere near our sisters during the time of the "Red Rage," lest thou wishes to be the first human to enter orbit without the aid of a shuttle.
2. Orks are not "cute."
3. Thou shalt not make jokes about the Imperial Guard's weapons.
4. Thou shalt not replace the Librarian's staff with a magic wand.
5. Thou shalt not tip the Terminators over during battle.
6. Thou shalt not do Spock impersonations around Eldar.
7. C-3P0 is not a Necron ambassador.
8. You shall not dare others to eat Squigs.
9. No, you cannot "take the Titan for a spin."
10. Thou shalt not use thy multi-meltas to light campfires. (in a similar manner, thou shalt not use the Terminator Captain's chainfist to open tins of baked beans)
11. Thou shalt not bribe the Inquisitor to bring down Exterminatus on your ex-wife.
12. Thou shalt not refer to the Rhino transports as "pimp wagons," nor shalt thou use the phrase, "If the Rhino be rockin, don't come a knockin."
13. The Chapter Master is not a "drag."
14. Thou shall not use Power Swords to cut your food.
15. Thou shall not ask a Sister if you might "donate some of your own Gene-Seed."
16. Thou shall not throw soap at nurglings.
17. Thou shalt not put a "kick me" sign on the Golden Throne.
18. Thou shalt not refer to the Machine Spirit as "Cruise Control".
19. Thou shalt not stick a 'Honk if you think I'm sexy' sticker on the Sisters' Rhino.
20. Thou shalt not honk if thy sees a sticker saying 'Honk if you think I'm sexy' on a Sister's Rhino.
21. Thou shalt not unplug the Golden Throne just "for laughs".
22. Thou shalt not make the Emperor read your palms, or call upon him as "Miss Cleo".

Thou shalt not use the Land Raider power coils to power a luxury refrigerator.
What happens if you scare a Necron? They spring a leak.
Oh, Kablammo.
What happens when you get Tyranids and Tau to fight together? A dead ally and an running opponent.

How many gamers does it take to change a lightbulb?



D6

How many space marines does it take to shoot an innocent kitten?
Just one, but you need the Inquisitor's authenticity first.

Why did the firewarrior fail his near/far sight test?
It went too fast!

Why does the Emperor sit on a throne of gold?
Cause the Platnium one cost too much.

These are stupid jokes.

Thou shall not go easy on a FW in CC

Guard vs. Tau
Seargent: Well guys, they have 15 markerlights on us. Brace yourselves.
Trooper: But there just laser pointers, see I've got one here in my pocket!
Seargent: Yours would work too, but we dont have seeker missiles.
:x

two wounded guardsmen are sitting in a hospital. one of them turns to the other and asks,"how did you get wounded." the other one replies, "they told me when i got this job that i would be able to visit exotic worlds and meet beautiful scantly dressed women, but they forgot to mention that all the beautiful women had daemonic talons." :x

What do you get if you cross a monkey with a Catachan?

Dont be stupid, a monkey would never **** a Catachan.

okokokokokokok, these ones are good. Really.

So a Blood Angel and a Death Guard are lying in close proximity on the battlefield, and have been grieviously wounded (and unable to reach out and kill each other). The Blood Angel says, "Man I am so angry! You guys are horrible and just infest stuff and are destroying all our worlds and my Primarch was killed by Warmaster f***-head" blah blah blah. The Plauge Marine says, "Well I'm pissed, man!" And the Blood Angel's like, "Really? What's eatin' you?" hahahahahaha

How many Imperial Guardsmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two: one to screw it in, and another to use it as a weapon.

And from the song "Scotty doesn't know", the Warhammer remix that I'm in the process of coming up with:
Commander doesn't know/ that Sister Mary and me/ do it in my Rhino/ every Sunday
She tells him she's at war/ but she doesn't go/ still she's on her knees/ and Commander doesn't know!

The Thousand Sons have always suffered two problems: They're all brothers, and none of them have visible bodies...
Thousand Son 1: Yo bro!
Thousand Son 2: Hi!
Thousand Son 3: Hi!
Thousand Son 2: Hey, he was talkin' to me!
Thousand Son 3: No, he was talkin to ME!
Thousand Son 4: No, me!
Thousand Son 5: Me!
Thousand Son 6: Me! Me!
Thousand Son 2 Tell 'em, Hydraxus! You meant me, right?
Thousand Son 3: You meant me, didn't you, Hydraxus?
Thousand Son 7: I'm not Hydraxus! I was talkin to my brother over here!
Thousand Son 8: Who, me?
Thousand Son 9: No! You were talkin to me, weren't you, Malevolus?
Thousand Son 1: I'm not Malevolus! I'm Hydraxus!

Actually Thousand Sons don't talk.

All I can say is LOL!!!! I've saved my favourites in a text document, for when this thread comes around next time :D

Well, now that this thread has escalated beyond remorse or redemption, I think it's time for me to roll out one of the old classics: A Chaos Space Marine's Diary.

Enjoy.

http://www.librarium-online.com/forums/archive/index.php/t-3430.html

Three Imperial commanders are aboard a Strike Cruiser arguing over whose faction are the bravest.

The Witch Hunter commander turns sharply and points at a Sister of Battle and orders her to exit the ship. The Sister without hesitation walks over, opens an exit hatch and leaps out of the ship, drifting off into the black abyss of space.

The Space Marine commander simply chuckles. "That's not bravery." He then calmly walks over to the same exit hatch and leaps out himself.

The Imperial Guard commander looks mildly impressed. He turns to his guardsmen and singles one of them out with a cold stare. "Soldier, show everyone what you're made of, exit this ship at once!" The Guardsman slowly rises from his seat, looks his superior straight in the eye and replies, "Sir, no sir!" The commander turns back to the With Hunter with a sly grin, "Now that's bravery."

An imperial garrison containing both space marines and a guard regiment had been under siege by orks for days, and as a fighter bomma raid had destroyed the imperial guard mess hall, the remaining guardsmen was alowed to dine in the space marine mess hall. In the food que, a curious guardsman (GM) attempts to start up a conversation with a space marine (SM).

GM: "So.. you are one of those space marines, right?"

SM: "Correct."

GM: "Cool! You know, Ive been thinking about joining a marine chapter myself and.."

SM: "You dont have what it takes."

GM: "Hey, thats just rude! You have no idea what I am capable of, Ive actually killed no less that 3 xenos in my career, an.."

SM: "Ive killed 4..."

GM: "That is not that impressive, I..."

SM: "...before breakfast."

GM: "...well... thats impressive. How did you join the marines?"

SM: "At the age of 12, I was drafted into the imperial guard to fight an army of chaos cultists. My squad was cut off from the rest of the regiment, and as we were out of ammo we were ordered to charge the enemy with only bayonets. I managed to kill 2 cultists, inspite of being shot several times while charging. Three days later, I was sent to the Ultramarine training facility on Ultramar along with 20 other recruits. I was the only one who managed to become a marine."

GM: "Wow, you are badass! What happened to the other 19? Did yhey wash out? Or did they get looser jobs like field chefs or something?"

SM: "They died."

GM: "Ok.. you have to be the most badass person I ever met! What are you? A sergent? An officer?"

SM: "I am the field chef."

What do you say when a female officer reports sexual abuse? Say, "Who's privates privates were involved?"

Crappy joke, I know.

What's an alternative form of chaotic runes on a vehicle?
Sponser stickers!

Don't tip over the librarian in terminator armor while he's doing his magic stuff.
Don't wear a mask and paint your armor red and scare the Librarian while he's doing his magic stuff.
Don't bet the Machine Spirit of a Land Raider to see if he could run over "Harry Potter".
Don't replace the jump pack of the librarian with a broomstick, "just to see if it would work".
Don't challenge the librarian to a "tickling match" with the Techmarine.
Don't ask the librarian to see through the sister's rhino.
Don't ask the librarian to see through the sister's holy washing facilties.
Don't ask the librarian if he would "enchant" your bike "for good luck".

2 of the space marine commendments that always got me.

thou shalt not follow the librian around constantly thinking can you "hear me in an effort" to drive him insane.

thou shalt not put on a bloodletter mask and shout boo to the chapter master

what is the real reason why the emporor is confined to the golden throne?
His mom grounded him for beating up horus.

Whats the difference between a Lasgun and a Flash-Light?

The Name!

OH HO HO!

classic :P