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"One day, one week, it was all the same. Time was irellevant now. Only the emperor knew how long we have denfended this place."
"Shut up Jonas, we don't care about your stupid philo-sophical sh!t."
It started with murmurs. People were talking about how pointless it was to follow the emperor. Then, one night, there was revolt, and at least seventy percent of the population became "heretic scum". The humans who remained loyal to the emperor were quikly slaughtered unless they ran. Which they did. That was 3 days ago.
"This is such bull," sergant Will Yoman said. "We've been running for so long, getting the crap shot out of us, and now we are trapped here."
"Quit complaining, at least we are still alive," Commander McPlaten said."we got food for 2 weeks, theres still thirty of us, we got plenty of water, and we have a working radio."
"Oooo, we are in such a luxorious position." said Will, " What happens when we are found, or when some crazy bastards decide to torch this building, or when the psyco inquisitors decide to exterminate the fu ". And his head exploded from a las cannon. Hundreds upon hundreds of of traitor humans weilding a crude assortment of weapons, ranging from forks torusty swords burst through the barricades that had been set up at the door.
"OPEN FIRE!!!!!!!!" yelled McPlaten. With that 26 lasguns fried 26 heretics, and 3 bolt pistols blow fist sized holes into them. Suddenly a missle streaked into the room and exploded.
This is my first time at writing anything on here, so i want constructive, helpful critisism/comments, or just happy advice. Cuase i think its not to good, and i want to know how to fix it up before i write part II
Back from a long adventure.
Try to avoid stuff like 'and then he blew up.' it sounds ***** and isn't good to read. And remember that lasguns are crap. The storyline needs some development to-random fights are pointless to write about.
hi, i happen to like your story, please keep writing
lasguns rule !!!!!!!
Sounds like a meal at Mc Donalds.McPlaten
Anyway the speech seemed far too modern day and not serious enough.
<span style='color:red'>"Right lads, lets make a tactical advance to the rear of our posistion"
"Errr do you mean run away?"
"Thats the one"</span>
"Oh man, look at that."
"Over there, by that river of boiling souls."
"Well I'll be damned... it's a Starbucks."
<a href='http://www.freewebs.com/ravensdark/' target='_blank'>THE SOUL REAVERS</a>
<a href='http://www.freewebs.com/gaeisia/index.htm' target='_blank'>GAESIA</a>
lasguns are crap against everyone in 40k, but not against unarmoured human mobs, which would be like shooting storm bolters at gaurdsmen. Massacre!
And onto part 2, where i will try and fix it better.
part 2, it gets bad
Slowly the commander regagined conciousness. He tried to stand up to get a look around, but he was overcome by nausea and fell over. This time he stayed on the ground, and tried to look around from there. What he saw was really strange.
"what the hell," he said. "where am I?"
"You are in the holy cathedral of his most divine Emperor, and you are with the 3rd company of the Raven Gaurd, along with several hundrede gaurdsmen, like yourself" a disembodied voice answered.
"Who are you?" McPlaten asked.
"Captain Geven, acting captain of the 3rd company. You and several gaurdsmen were found after one of our missles blew apart some heretic scum. You took you here, where we are holding out against the heretics. Apperantly the situation is worse than we expected, so even though an entire company of us was sent down here, we still got beaten. Badly."
McPlaten asked the captain about how many enemys where there, how many troops were here, how many ewapons do we have, and whats our situation. The news was not good.
"We ahve about 300 gaurdsmen that are fully equipped, and 41 space marines. We also have 5 rhinos, a predator, and a leman russ we made off with. Intelligence says that there are at least 50 million traitors, so we decided the best idea is to get off the planet and exterminate it. We would give the order from down here but our communications are jammed, and our evac ships arn't supposed to come for another day. The good news is this place is one of the strongest buildings ive seen. I doubt anything will get us in here."answered Geven.
After he finished, Geven left, leaving mcPlaten to examine theroom he was in. It lookde about 50 meters to the roof, with gothic style craftmenship. A massive mural of the Emperor is his final fight against Horus was painted on the ceiling. McPlaten examined his surroundings, and saw his mater crafted bolt bistol and power sword nearby. After equipping himself, he went off down what looked like the main corridor to find out who survived from his platoon.
Coming soon, part 3, it gets worse!
(o yeah it is a name from mcdonalds, he gets fries that come with him"
Back from a long adventure.
haha!! ur good dude Can i have a platton meal with a Mcplaten on the side? lol
PROUD TO BE IN THE BRITISH ARMY.
~~ Surrender and serve me in life, or die and slave for me in death~~
This is a good story, but if you want to make it sound good involve lots of descirptions and also add lots of edge-of-the-seat moments to keep the readers guessing, i've no idea what your writing style is but as another author it seems like you're right on my wave length, remember:
-Keep the readers in suspense,
-Describe everything in lots of detail.
Keep writing and i'm sure you'll become a great author.
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