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This is a Warhammer 40K story i've been working on for some time and guessed you guys might wanna read it.
Here's the start:
Ancient Terra, home to the most beloved Emperor, once well defended from any attempts of attack, now it is under the most dire threat ever posed to the Imperium, one that could spell the end for all humanity.
"Sir! We're picking up strange warp disturbances in the Segmentum Solar."
"WHAT? I thought the Segmentum Solar was well defended against any form of attacks, especially from the warp!"
"It is sir but.........oh jesus!"
"What? What is it man?"
"Sir! The Segmentum Solar has just been isolated from the rest of the universe."
"How the hell?"
"Its been cut off by warp storms sir!"
A large breach in the warp opened spewing forth Chaos ships, followed by two Blackstone Fortresses.
They appeared near Pluto and began to move towards their main target;Terra.
"My lord, Terra is within our grasp. Now we shall prove our might!"
A huge towering figure stepped forward from the shadows
Ok a few nit picks from me
1. Generally Frag is used instead of Crap
2. Replace references to Jesus with the Emperor
Looking ok so far but Iâ€™ll see how the rest turns out
Nightmare Creature great evil in female form who feeds upon... *screams* who's only weakness is *more screams*
Abaddon laughed as his battlecruisers made mincemeat of the Imperial vessels.
"These fools will be crushed then all shall worship me!"
An Imperial fleet in the vicinity of Mars watched as the Chaos fleet grew nearer.
"Sir theres no way we can escape those Blackstone Fortresses."
"We have to try dammit! For our god and lord the Emperor!"
The Emperor class battleships moved forwards, ready to oppose the fleet of heretics and traitors.
"What's this, they try to oppose me still???"
He watched as his first few ships launched a salvo of torpedoes.
"Bwa-hahahah! They are no match for Blackstone Fortresses!!!"
"My Lord, we have decimated more of their puny defences!"
"Good! They cannot possibly even think of beating me!"
Join TSI, purge for the Emperor, the truth shall set you free.
View the rules <a href='http://portal.librarium-online.com/content/view/137/28/' target='_blank'>here</a>
Lifes a beach, until someone kicks sand in your face.
<a href='http://forum.librarium-online.com/index.php?showtopic=10867&st=0' target='_blank'>My Stories!</a>
<a href='http://forum.librarium-online.com/index.php?showforum=125' target='_blank'>Cityfight.</a>
:o Holy Crap!!!! thats good, i usualy ignore peoples storys but this one im reading, its grate!!
We cant lost!!! we just cant!!! wheres Russ!!! im assumeing this is the Palace and the final battle so the Wulfen WITH lemen Russ should be tearing ass up after those chaos boys!!! , tis true look at the prophcey!!
We cant lose we jut cant
PROUD TO BE IN THE BRITISH ARMY.
~~ Surrender and serve me in life, or die and slave for me in death~~
What do you mean 'this is good'???
It's the worst piece of crap I've seen on these boards! No offense, your writing is ok but this story has got to be the dumbest thing I've seen...
How can I say this?
ITS A HUGE *****ING PILE OF FETID MALINGERING FESTERING SHITE!
Please, please tell us, oh lord of bollocks, Lone Wolf, how and why you contrived to write such a hideous, foul-reading story that a dyslexic four year old with no arms, eyes, or indeed a brain could have done better than this dire offering to the temple of the Fiction Librarium.
Evidently your lone brain cell was out on holiday at the time of writing, so i suppose i can offer a grudging amount of mercy on that small, tiny, insignificantly miniscule fact.
Theres no actual story.
Theres no good dialogue.
Theres no description.
Theres no following of fluff.
Theres no talent.
Theres no hope for you.
I pray for your sake, and also for mine, that you do not post anything this *****ing awful on these boards ever again.
"It fits like clothes made out of wasps!"